My Double Lung Transplant

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Pneumonia, meet Pleurisy

Pleurisy, meet pneumonia. Pleurisy and pneumonia, meet Bronchiectasis. Bronchiectasis, have yourself a merry little Christmas.

I woke up today feeling slightly better. I was coughing but it wasn't wet and infectious sounding. There was minimal pain and i felt like i could do things today.

I told my dad at lunch that i thought i was starting to feel better, and that i didn't have any pain...and then 10 minutes lady, i suddenly felt like i had heartburn in my front upper lobes and was forced to take a motrin (which is proving not to be enough).

Clearly, I spoke a little early. Since that time the pain has skyrocketted. It hurts to move my arms and to sit straight, because sitting straight would require my chest to stick out and quite frankly, that fucking hurts. When i do that, my lungs feel like they are pulling away from the wall of my chest.

Joy to the world. Joy, joy joy. I guess you can't just have pneumonia, no, pleurisy wanted to come along and play as well. Why have one and not the other? Why not spread the misery and have a partner in crime. Gah. Oh well.

When i was driving to rehab this aft (they sent me home coz i didn't look good), i realized that i'm kind of happy i have this pain, b/c i know that soon i will have this pain, but it won't be because i'm sick: it will be because i'm healing:)

It will be soon!!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Oreo Cookies why must you be so good?

I can honestly say that since supper time I have managed to consume about 7 oreo cookies, and 3 girl guide cookies, and I can't stop returning to the box and consuming more. There is something so yummy and alluring about them that I can't quite describe, but I had to confess about my sudden onset oreo addiction.

Today at rehab I made a point of announcing to anyone who would possibly listen that I had pneumonia. There was some thrill in making such an announcment, because for some bizarre, immature reason, it made me feel like for once my place at pulmonary rehab was validated and that by some small chance, I was suddenly more important than everyone else in the room.

I am not feeling much better. I have a raging, burning pain in the front of my chest where i beleive the pneumonia resides, and it usually feels worse at night. We shall see how this is in the morning. I am still exhausted and unmotivated, but part of me wants to have enough energy to make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and i don't know why. I don't know why bizarre compulsions seem to grip me and never leave until i fulfill them. Oh well.

And last but not least, I finished that stupid book lastnight. FINALLY. The Virgin's Lover...While not entirely bad, it's just slowpaced and it didn't grip me the way most books do. I just didn't care to read it, the only thing propelling me was my desire to start the book that came after and i couldn't read that without finishing this one. But alas I am done and am now reading The Other Queen.

I hope all is well with you lot. Sorry this was so boring.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Leg Weaky-ness and 11 months

Today I celebrate 11 months on the transplant list. And in celebration, I just spilt pop all over my white sweatpants.

It's not too bad honestly (both the stain and waiting 11 months). I mean sure waiting 11 months thus far for lungs to come in and give me my life back hasn't been the funnest thing i could think of, but at least i'm closer to transplant than i was 11 months ago, right?

While still under the Reign of Pneumonia, I'm not feeling much better. Granted, i've only been on antibiotics for 2 days so i doubt that i'd feel much different (considering i initially had no idea i was sick in the first place). As irony would have it, i finally got around to vaccuming my room and surprise surprise, it opened my aching chest up and i'm able to breathe a little better and clear it more effectively. I have been sitting here for hours huffing, completely neglecting to use a perfectly good acapella that sits beside me (albeit in a drawer). It's suprising what actually works when you're not intentially trying to help yourself.

So my room is finally clean. What started last weekend as a cleaning exposition quickly ended upon the arrival of tiredness, and it leaked itself into this past week. In that time my room found its way back into a state of messiness, with clothes on the floor and what have you. Today i finally re-put those clothes away, AND vaccumed (someone brought it up for me). I took my time vaccuming but i'm still exhausted. My legs feel horribly weak so i'm taking it easy. I also got the bright idea to wash my bedding (i figured it was time seeing as i got tangled in the sheets as they made their way out from under the mattress which helped keep them down. Not safe to be entagled in a web of bedding, esp. when you have breathing problems, let me tell you..) So yeah...all i have left to do is make my bed and my room will be clean! Go me!

Oh, and i still have to finish my godforsaken book. It's good but i don't feel compelled to read it. I hope i finish it today!

The Reign of Pneumonia continues...

Since being so violently shoved in the face the other day with the news that i have pneumonia, I can say that I quite agree with their diagnosis as I sit here roughly 3 days into it.

Now i 'feel' like i have it. My chest is sore, phlegmier and my left lung feels plastered to my rib cage today. I am more out of breath, exhausted, coughing more, all that fun, glamorous stuff. I am on 10 days of Levaquin so we'll see what it does. I am speculating that it will do nothing and something drastic will have to be done. I don't know why, but my spidey senses tell me i do.

To add to this ultimate barrell of fun is allergies! Things are blooming and my nose is running, and my allergies also make my lungs act like bitches so double yay on that font. I'm a giant ball of gorgeousness at the moment. My throat also hurts, and despite sleeping 11 hours lastnight I cannot keep my eyes open even tho I've only been awake for about 5 hours.

Triple yay.

Lastnight, in our usual Friday night tradition, i saw a horror movie with Jess. We saw The Haunting in Conneticut, and i can honestly claim that i have never screamed and jumped so much as i did in that movie. It was great that the trailer didn't show all the good parts either, coz we went in expecting that to be the case. We were suprised and elated, and i was terrified to fall asleep, but alas i made it through the night.

I had a dream this morning that i got the call - twice. I don't know how to describe it...they happened 2 days apart and the 2nd call i got the lungs on. I don't know if the first call in my dream was a false alarm, or if it was THE false alarm i had back in Sept, and the 2nd call will be the time i get my actual transplant...or if i'll get 2 false alarms and THEN the tx. It sucks coz we won't know until it happens, eh?

That's about it. I may be sick with pneumonia but i am happy. It is gorgeous out today. Hope u all have a great weekend!:D


I have pneumonia?

Yeah, this is news to me too, I was just as shocked to hear this, and i'm pretty sure i laughed into the phone when my co-ordinator rang my house up 45 minutes ago, and told me the news of the x-rays i had yesterday.

This is ironic. I felt so good on the weekend, and now, pneumonia. This is precisely what baffles me about lung disease. To have lung disease so extensive, that when you're struck down by the hand of pneumonia, you have no idea that you even have it, and you're completely blindsided by the revolation. It's enough to make me laugh.

So i am supposed to start 10 days of Levofloxicin or some shit - some shit put together by mystic unicorns and trolls to clear up a mysterious and sudden case of on-set pneumonia, a type of pneumonia that sneaks up on its ailing victims so fast that they had absolutely no idea what was lurking in the background the whole time.

Genius. Fucking genius.

I don't know if should laugh, cry, or skip in a circle.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

World's Oldest Fossilized Sexual Predator Found

A startling, euphoric, almost-inspiring discovery was made by paleontologists recently. The worlds oldest sexual predator, Pervatasaurus, has been unearthed. A member of the Theropod group, and relative to the T-rex, Pervatasaurus was a scavenger who lured smaller dinosaurs into its cave. Living with webbed feet and bad posture, Pervatasaurus could not effectively stand up straight which enabled it to avoid making eye contact with other dinosaurs. From an anthropological perspective - a study not even closely related to paleontology - such a discovery raises questions in my head about what other timeless predators are out there.

Enjoy, and laugh your ass off:

So i know you're all waiting for the verdict on clinic. I have waited to post while i sorted some shit out in my head. Clinic was good, i am officially on their radar i feel and while i thought my status on the list has been changed, i am not so sure that is has been. I had to go for x-rays today, give a two samples of lung goo, and do physio. I got a new script for Tobi, avoided calling into the O2 company about acquiring a new compressor, have effectively neglected to give my script for Tobi into the pharmacy, and have started to develop horrendous pain in my chest, but at the end of the day, things are good.

Tobi again, you ask? Yes, I have to re-start Tobi, the son-of-a-bitch that it is. Remember, you're supposed to do it for 28 days on, 28 days off, then re-start it for 28 days. Or if you're me you follow this schedule: 28 days on, unprecidented amount of time off, 28 days on once we remember again, and so on. Jenna asked me if i feel any differently on it than off it. I said no, that i have to be on it regardless, and stated that, "Tobi makes me feel like i'm dying". I think that's an accurate statement.

Oh well, that's it. All in all, I'm still a happy camper, and Pervatasaurus has made my life today. As i hope it has made yours.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Descent

As I descend down from my cloud of wellness, I realize that I should be utterly thankful to have had 2 full days of feeling somewhat normal. My lungs didn’t really bother me at all, and in some bizarre way, it was somewhat frightening because I am not used to feeling this way for extended periods of time. And I’m proud of the fact that I got myself out of the house and made use of this feeling of goodness.

As you know on Friday I went to a drag show, yesterday night I went over to Jess’s house and today we did some real damage at the mall. As luck would have it, I found a $30 gift card yesterday that still had its full amount on it and I went with Jess today and dutifully spent it all and I feel wonderful. I got a spring jacket and a cute tank top and as it stands, all is well! I cannot wait until feeling like this is an all-the-time kinda thing!!!!!!

Jess was ordered prior to to keep me out of Chapters. I was forbidden by myself and by her from entering the store, but good ole me manipulated her into allowing me temporary access into the haven so in we went…

And then I found it. I just had to sneak over the computer and search for the new book I want, Galway Bay. I found it, and went over to its location, and there it was, on the unreachable top shelf shining in all its lovely book glory. I stepped on the bottom shelf and flicked the cover and waited for the precious gem to fall into my greedy hands.

That’s when I saw the price, $30. More than I can afford at the moment. Logic took over and I put it down after much debate, and decided to wait for Easter (coz I always get chapters cards, weeeeeeeeeee!)

So yes, this has been my weekend. Eventful, but not overly exciting. I haven’t had a good weekend in a looooooooooooong time so I’m really happy that I got out and did stuff. I am starting to feel like my usual crap-lung self so I am coming down from my cloud of wellness and sinking back into usual life. It’s ok though, this is just want I needed! YAY!

Tomorrow I am off to TO for clinic and will let you all know how it goes.

Before i go, here's a special (recent) picture of the child, Zoey.


Saturday, March 21, 2009


That was what was chanted in one of the performances at the Drag Show lastnight. Yesterday was fabulous: i got my room dusted, I found a check for $500 sitting under something, but soon discovered it was no longer valid(fuck), and upon redeeming my spirits b/c of my monetary fuck up, i got myself pretty and went off to the drag show with my favourite ladies in the world.

I was lucky in that yesterday i actually felt good, and i was happy that i was able to go out and enjoy myself in an outside social function that consisted of something other than just going to a friends house. We got home at 1am, and i up till 3am putting pictures on facebook. Today, I am exhausted, but i don't care b/c i actually got to live lastnight and enjoy myself. I cannot wait till that becomes an everyday kinda thing!!!!

Upon further excavation of my room, i discovered a $30 gift certificate hiding in the same drawer. And i took it upon myself to go online and check its balance. Figuring all i had was $2 left on it, i checked anyways, and was happy to discovery that i still had the full $30!!!!!!!! So needless to say I am going out to the mall tonight to spread joy with Jessica!! Lets hope for big sales, b/c big sales means more stuff to buy.

Oh consumer consumption, how I love thee.

And to make things better, upon the completion of my room clean-up, i added to my book shelf and i feel like a whole person again. Voila, c'est magnifique!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Failing in Epic Proportions

I awoke today at 7:24am. I had to go to rehab, yet somehow, by some divine act of God and Buddah combined, there was no maternal figure outraged at my door, telling me to get up, or asking if i was up. Oh no people, all was silent. There was no dad to be heard, quietly inquiring if i had risen from my slumber, and there was no finicky mother yelling about my whereabouts. Oh no, all was well.

I decided to stay where i was. I decided that if i stayed with my back to the door, wiggled slightly lower into my covers, that it would appear as if i was missing should some parental figure decide to barge in upon a search for me.

Nothing happened.

I shut my eyes.

Said eyes were opened once again at 7:44am. Rehab opens at 8am, and usually i leave the house at 8am and arrive for 8:30, but today, nothing.

I shut my eyes again.

I re-opened them at 7:54am. Still no inquiries, and one parent less in the house. I heard mum come up the stairs...waited for the water in their bathroom to turn on, and 13 minutes later at 8:07am, i heard my mum go down the stairs, go out the door, and put up the garage door.

I had done it. I had ambushed the parents, I had masterminded and dodged rehab, and I went back to sleep, not waking up until 10am. I feel marvelous.

In fact, I feel so genius at the moment that I could quite literally leap from buildings. I feel one-part wonderful, two-parts bad-ass, and one hundred percent amazing.

The fact that I was able to remain silent for that whole hour is miraculous in and of itself. I knew that the minute i coughed would be the minute i was discovered, but i held it in, and refused to cough until i knew the coast was clear. Because you see, people, coughing, reminds people of my presence, and if i don't cough, they either forget, or don't know, that I am actually there. Thus, lack of coughing, means lack of Bree, which means, she could really be anywhere.

Understand? Yes, I thought you would.

So today I am planning on cleaning my room. So far it is failing in epic proportions. To be fair, I have gone so far as to bring up the enddust, and a cloth, and i have thought about cleaning, but i havent gotten around to it just yet. You see, I have been too busy emailing people, and texting, and talking on MSN to attend what really matters. I will clean at some point. I will start with *tear* putting away bits and peices of my Dell desktop that will never be used again...My keyboard, my various assortments of mouse...I don't know if i can bring myself to pack up my screen...Not yet. Packing up my screen signals that things are final and that Dell is dead and never coming least not in desktop form. It's too much. Screen = hope. So Screen will stay.

Oh yes, dilema number one has been solved from yesterdays' post. Contact was made, 'missing' was ensured, and human contact may be made at some point this weekend. Cross your fingers and your toes, and other extremities that you deem appropriate and crossing-worthy please and thank you.

I have clinic Monday? Have I stated that? It seems that I have contracted brain damage from my friend who has no memory to speak of. I have been spending too much time with her. Every time I ask someone "have I told you this?" and they say "yes", i say, "Well, I'm gonna tell you again anyways, since I don't remember telling you in the first place" since I don't remember if i've told you i have clinic monday, now you know. My spidey senses tell me it's time to start Tobi again, but since i lack a compressor and i lack a repeat on my prescription, it is a little impossible. In the mean time, i am falling phlegmy and sickly again. Oh well.

That is all. Tonight I am off to a drag show of epic proportions. I am excited.


Thursday, March 19, 2009


There are 3 types of dilemas I hate:

1) Silence
2) Ambition
3) Medical

The first one is pretty self explanatory. When someone goes silent and you don't talk to them for a week or something, but you know it's not you and it's totally nothing personal, and you figure that since they havent been on MSN or had any fb updates, and no one else has seen them on MSN or fb that everything is ok. Still, you don't want to be that first person to send the first text message asking how they are and that it's been a while (and that you miss them!). So you wait. I know this makes no sense to anyone who doesn't know what's going on in other aspects of my life, and I'm not going into detail. But that is dilema number one.

The second one has to do with ambition. I finally got the heart today to go ahead and dust my room (since it's gross). So i go downstairs and can't find the EndDust. It has disappeared. So now i can't clean/dust my room. I want to vaccume but what's the point in vaccuming before you dust? Wouldn't dusting post-vaccuming make vacuming redundent? Yes, I think so too. FAIL. That is dilema number two.

The third and final dilema is medical. Suprise suprise. I know it's time for me to start Tobi soon, and i still have no compressor. I go to clinic on Monday and maybe we'll talk about it if i remember. I am horribly phlegmy again and I don't know what additional antibiotics I have on hold. Fuck my life. That is dilema number three.

So essentially, I am falling down a well between silence, ambition that cannot be executed due to MIA third party, and medical stuff. Joy to the world. Please know that the first one isn't entirely bad, and I may even regret later on the fact that I felt the need to bring it up. In all honesty it was just me thinking frustrated thoughts out loud, and even then, I probably said too much.

Oh well.

Anywho, today the oxygen guy came. I was upstairs when he came and his knock on the door sent my dogs into a fit of barking rage. The oxygen guy is afraid of the dogs and he's always waiting below the step when i answer the door. He had to check my concentrator today and noticed that i had it up as high as it would go. I told him that I am exhausted all the time and that it doesn't help. He told me I may need another concentrator that goes higher, so we'll see. It is true: i am exhausted all of the time again. I sleep 9+ hours and am exhausted by lunch. I went to bed lastnight at about 1:15 am, got up at 10:30am, and it's now 1:23pm and I could really go for a nap. I can't stand this tiredness. Blah.

Other than that, I am a happy girl. I did a pirouette in the middle of walmart the other night.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

For Whom the Sick Toll Rings


Yup, as suspected and widely speculated, I beleive I am getting sick again. Well, not 'getting' sick 'again' rather, but most likely, the infection I had before - or whatever the hell it was - is most likely rearing its ugly head and boiling and toiling inside the lungulars.

I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay more congested, stuffy, and i am having a lot more trouble breathing. I awoke today feeling much like a titanium vault was resting comfortably on my chest, and every attempt i made at trying to cough it off just sent me into a coughing fit that failed to end itself.

I have been coughing more too, and not just b/c i'm more productive, but in general. I've also been coughing over stupid things courtesy of asthma, like scents. Lately, I can't brush my teeth w/o being thrown into a coughing fit b/c the scent of the toothpastes shoots to the back of my throat and off i go. Quite attractive if you have the pleasure of witnessing such a phenomenon to be honest. The other day I had a coughing fit so big that I almost through up spaghetti everywhere, but i champed it up and kept it down. WOO. Go me. Go gag reflexes and esophagus that doesn't apparently work. GO US ALL! I don't care if that doesn't make sense. GO EVERYONE WEEEEEEEEEE!


In the last 2 weeks I've had 2 transplant dreams and a lung related dream. The day before les parents departed for mexico, I had a dream I got the call. I didn't tell them this for obvious reasons. Then when they were away I had a dream that I got the call and the surgery. I was awake for the surgery, but I was completely numb and couldn't feel a thing. I remember watching them cut me open and open me up, and I watched them remove my guts so they could have more room to put the lungs in. I remember touching my intestines (they looked like hamburger helper) and being told to keep my hands to myself, and marveling at the fact that I was wrenched right open and in no pain. Then an hour after the surgery, I was scolded by my mum b/c I was running around while I was apparently sedated, and if i didn't stop and settle down, they'd take the lungs back. Then the dream I had 2 nights ago had me coughing up blood everywhere - all over the floor, toilet, sink, counter...just everywhere. I've never actually had this happen, but i've had spotting occur every now and then. I hope that this isn't a sign of things to come! I would most likely shit if i coughed up that much blood. It was just so red!

So other than transplant dreams, the return of my infection, coughing fits, feeling like i have a titanium vault on my chest, I am well, and I am happy, and I cannot ask for more. The weather is warming up which is great. I am struggling through my latest book...but i'm gonna truck along and finish it anyways, no matter how much i hate one of the main characters!

Thursday, March 12, 2009


Don't try to hide from the new Facebook; it will find you eventually....

And so it found me tonight...when I logged on after a 4 hour absence. Shock and awe struck my body like a trident being lodged from a greek god. I hate it; it has greatly hindered my ability to stalk people efficiently now, and it sucks. But there's nothing i can do.

I am spreading the word and warning my fellow facebookers. Beware. Watch out. It is coming to a homepage near you. You cannot run, you cannot hide, and you cannot learn how to navagate in one day or night either. I am afraid it takes a little word that I will never seem to master: patience.

Good luck to us all.

In other news, I have more saddness to announce. After 4 long, hard, wonderful, stressful, angering, joyous years, my Dell Desktop has officially been declared deceased and 'unrepairable'. I guess too much is wrong with it, and while it can be fixed, it would be uber expensive and there is no guaruntee it won't hit the shit again. Thankfully, mum ordered a new laptop that will more than likely find itself in my custody, but I live with the understanding that I will have to share it with her.

I am not a sharer. I don't enjoy sharing, especially when it comes to computers. I don't know why, but it feels like a huge invasion of privacy especially when there's nothing bad on it anyways. Maybe i am just paranoid or something, I don't know. Regardless, I will try not to be so possessive of the new laptop, which I have aptly named Lappy. I am looking forward to it, while silently mourning the death of my Dell:(

I am hoping that what pics I had, and my music, can be salvaged. God knows how much I hate erasing and rebuilding my iPod. God knows i've had to do it enough times to make me cry. And god knows i'll shit a brick if i lose all those songs that were sooooooooooooo hard to find in the first place, b/c god knows my mum will give birth if i download Limewire to Lappy. Oh well. I'll figure something out; my brain always pulls me through. We work well together I think.

In other news, all is well. Lungs are...well...lungs. They sound terrible, they are productive and they make me feel bad, but whatever. I just continue to wait. I have clinic on the 23rd and we'll see how that goes. Last night i actually utilized my stethoscope and listened to my lungs in bed. They sound terrible. I mean, really fucking terrible. God how do i breathe with these things?? lol. They sound sore and painful...i can hear them inflating and deflating (thanks to the annonymous tipper who informed me 'exflating' wasn't an actual word!). But when they inflate, they sound like they are unsticking themselves from eachother...and it sounds like parchment paper being crunch without the sharp sound of it. Does that make sense? Then there are the squeaks, the pops, the grumbling and crackling, wheezes, whizzing sounds...yeah...they sound like an amusement park.

So that's about it. Hope you're all well...and that you're enjoying the new songs i added to the playlist!


Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dear Red Rocket...

Another day has passed, and another part of you has fallen off. Last week you had the misfortune of being swiped in my absence and as a result, you lost an 8 in strip of paint.

Today, your logo fell off.

You're no longer a Ford're just a GL.

What initially started off as a patch of rust above the back left wheel is now a sprawling abundance of it - a tiny nation of rustic appeal. While dad and I did solve the issue of your chronic stalling/breaking down at red lights, stop signs, or stalling randomly when it got too hot or too cold, and while we also got enough rust out of the keyhole in the trunk to get it open, I fear that your time is coming to an end.

We've been through a lot together in our 5 years. I inherited you from my sister when she bought her Sunfire...and she inherited you from dad. We've backed into a cement wall together at 80km/h, we had that huge spin out with Ashley on Stone Road last year; we've traveled great distances to meet various appoitments...and among the smaller memories, we apparently drove through a snowbank some time 2 weeks ago with Katey and Krystal as passengers.

I don't remember this.

You survived being driven into the side of the house by dad. You survived an outran a Tornado with Allison in Sarnia. But you've also been the subject of ridicule and the brunt of jokes by many. People complain that you smell, that you're too loud, that you're slow, and that you're a 'shit-mobile', but to me you're the Red Rocket and you're totally fucking awesome.

Could this be the end? I thought it was the end 2 years ago when you broke down on Imperial road by the sausage place at rush hour, and had to be pushed off the road by some kind person (who i ended up rear-ending b/c i couldn't stop you from rolling fast enough...) Could you reprive yourself once again? I think so. We have proved that even tho the tempo 'comfortably' fits 4 people, it is possible to stuff 6 people into the back. We also proved that self-locking and self-rolling down windows are way cooler than automatic ones. You've also been the hero of many rescue missions, and you're slotted as the get-away vehicle for an impromptu move-out in April.

I hope this isn't the end, b/c let's be honest, everyone loves you no matter how gaudy and offensive you appear to be...and we all know that I don't know how to drive anything else...Not without screaming anyways.

So lets hope you're not on your way out.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Live from the hosp...'s meeeeeeee!

I am writing this from the hospital.

Before you get your naughty bits in a bunch, chill the fuck out. I'm getting my monthly IV and am using the patient laptop.

Can i say how happy I feel today? I realized lastnight at a very late hour just why exactly I've been feeling so.......not me. And i realized, it's because i needed to get my IVIG. Duh. It's kind of like PMS where you act like a bitch to everyone, you know you're miserable, and you don't know why, until you finally realize, "Ooooh! That's why!"

I find that when the 4 weeks comes to an end and IV time rolls around, my system is low on everything. I am more irritable, I take things more personally, I am tired, and am generally not the best person to be around. But i never clue in as to why until the very last moment.

So when I realized that today i had to get gamma i felt instantly better. I was late for physio and never ended up going, b/c I got there and discovered my parking card had expired and i have no money to renew it. Thank god no one was behind me and i backed the Red Rocket out and sped down the driveway and headed here to the hosp.

I then realized that I only had $6.50 to pay for parking. Parking here is $7, and the people at Tims wouldn't give me the remaining $2.90 on my Timmie's card. Luckily a fellow patients mum overheard me and extended me a dollar which i appreciated muchly.

I only got one poke today! And it worked! I was informed i had a big juicy vein in my elbow that has been hiding for some time, and it pulled through for me today. So i'm happy about that.

My IV started...and half an hour later my nurse realized that she had started me on the wrong stuff. She had given me my flush first (which you get after your IV to ensure all the meds have gone through). So i got a bag of Dextrose which I am assured won't hurt me, but I still need to pee a lot. I got a little shakey but that's just probably my body being stupid. It shakes on me sometimes for reasons unbeknownst to me.

So here I am, needing to pee sooooooooo bad but finally getting the proper meds infused into me. And I am happy that my IV has restored my mental clarity and returned me back to myself.

I have missed me. I'm glad I have found myself once again.

Welcome back, and don't ever leave again!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

This is how a heart breaks...

I just sat on facebook and read Grant's wall.

The realization that he is actually gone is finally starting to sink is slowly crawling into my heart and peice by peice it is taking up residence. I don't know if it will be as overbearing as the loss of Karyn was, but it's pretty close. I am definitely experiencing a delayed reaction of sorts.

Grant was such a good friend to me. I have mentioned him numerous times before on this blog, and if ever i thought someone would pass way, it would not be him. I really never thought it would be. But here i am in the aftermath of a loss of a great friend...and i find myself pretty lonely and pretty confused.

Grant and i met two years ago. He lives in florida and i'm in Ontario. When i found out i needed a lung transplant, he was one of the first people to reach out to my in an online facebook group and talk to me privately. Eventually we exchanged AIM addy's and struck up an immediate friendship. It is strange how the bond of illness can form some of the strongest friendships i have, even if it's with people i can't meet. There is something about those who have been through serious health stuff my age who just get things that others don't. There is an automatic level of understanding that they have, and you don't really need to explain yourself to them as to why you're feeling the way you are some days: they just get it. Grant was definitely one of those ppl and I miss him dearly.

We spoke for hours on end. We'd go for weeks and sometimes months without talking, and then we'd catch eachother on fb chat or AIM and start talking and it was as if those weeks and months never ever passed. We shared our deepest darkests thoughts, fears, and desires with eachother. We expressed rage at the things the opposite sex would do, and we provided counceling for the other to help understand the motives behind it, lol.

Most of all, Grant was always there for me when I needed him. And i can honestly say I was there for him when he needed me. It didn't matter how busy the other was, we always made time to sit down and chat and catch up. And i can honestly say that i know he feels the same.

A month before he passed we had a deep conversation. I sent him a msg on facebook telling him how much he meant to me and how much I appreciated his friendship. Initially, I didn't get a response back, but finally one came, agreeing. In retrospect, I think he knew his time was coming up. And in retrospect, I think I did too.

The last thing we spoke about was his it was pretty routine and then he went offline. It was the last time I ever spoke to him, and I think he knew. I am glad i sent him that msg telling him how great he was and how much he meant to me - he knew that he would leave this world having impacted a close friend, and honestly, you can't ask for more.

Sorry if i've said too much, but it helps to get it out. I definitely was remembering a conversation we had back in the summer. I asked that if we were stranded on a desert island without meds, who would die first: me or him? It was said out of morbid curiosity - we're 'sick' people, these things do cross our minds. He gave himself a week: i gave myself a month.

I am sad that he actually went first.

I am on the island alone now.

But i'm not going anywhere....others will come. I trust that they will. And maybe our little island of sick people will be watched over by my dearest friend, Grantula.

You are missed. Always, always always.

"I will try to connect all the peices you left/I will carry them on/And let you forget"

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Death Notice


How can one go about writing a note to a dear friend who shouldn't even be gone? It seems impossible as I sit here, trying to process the fact that mere seconds ago, I learned that you have just crawled out of everyone's lives forever.

I never thought our last conversation would actually be our last. "Last" was not a word I would have ever applied to anything to be honest. When you told me you were going in for your surgery you told me it was routine and that was it. I never imagined I'd be sitting here a month later writing you a eulogy of sorts. It doesn't make sense; I haven't even had the time to process the fact that 2 days ago I learned you were dying.

What, Grant dying? Never. Never in a million years did I ever beleive you would die. Ever. The two words couldn't possibly coincide with such a strong person. Clearly, I am an idiot.

It's ironic that as I recieved the email from your mother informing me of your unfortunate passing, that "How to Save a Life" was playing. In the 2 years we knew eachother, you taught me a lot about life and how strong people can actually be when they're put through shit. You inspired me on a daily basis to keep going, and you showed me that tx wasn't the be-all and end-all in life - that a better side existed and that you should definitely look forward to it with a million smiles.

What can i say to a person who taught me so much? I don't know. I really don't. I am having trouble finding the tears to even cry over the fact that I won't ever talk to you again, or hear boring stories about your cats, or make you laugh b/c I'm the only person to use the word 'wicked'. This sucks more than you know.

I am so sad at the moment, you have no idea. I truely beleived the moment would come when you'd see me get my tx and get on with my damn life (at some point, eh?). Jesus God this is terrible. At the same time, i'm happy that you're in a place where you're not not in pain, and completely med free!

You are in a better place now. I hope that Heaven or wherever you are ends up giving you a better packaged deal than Earth ever did.

You are a good person; don't you ever forget that.

I don't know what to say, but like always i've gone and said too much.

To quote Oasis:
"There are many things that I would like to say to you, but i don't know how"

Rest in Peace, Grantula. Someone tell me this isn't real....