My Double Lung Transplant

Saturday, January 31, 2009

You know you're Canadian when...

Found this on Facebook! Not meant to offend people; it's meant for people to get a laugh out of. So laugh and appreciate the differences, and if you have anything to add, comment or guestbook, even if it's about your country!!:)

You're Proud to be a Canadian but you only know you're Canadian when:

1. You have the tendancy to say "eh" after every sentance.
2.You Know the Difference of " Colour + Color " Or " Favourite + Favorite " or " Centre + Center"
3. You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean!
4. Some American has asked you, “Do you live in an Igloo?”
5. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
6. You only see war on TV, and its always some foreign country v.s. America
7. Every one of your TV shows have been ripped off from freaking America [ex; American Idol ----> Canadian IdolAre you smarter than a 5th Grader ----> Are You Smarter Than A Canadian 5th Grader]
8. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging
9. You know what a toque is.
10. American's often question you when you talk about a loonie or toonie
11. You know Toronto is not a province
12. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
13. You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies
14. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
15. You drink pop, not soda.
16. You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip
17. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians.
18. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Every murder is reported.
20. You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.
21. When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.
22. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
23. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
24. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
25. You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM
26. Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."
27. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway
28. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
29. Its called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.
30. You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
31. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
32. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons
33. You're not offended by the term "Homo Milk".
34. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
35. You've ever said, 'I need more flannel clothing.'
36. You understand everything in this list, and email it to all your friends.
37. You read rather than scanned this list.
38. You get up at 5:00 am (the beginning of broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.
39. You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".
40. you know what an R.C.M.P. Officer is, and you've been pulled over by them more than a normal police..
41. You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade
42. You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
43. You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
44. when it's 3 Degrees in the summer, it's freezing, but when it's 3 degrees in the winter, it's the warmest day of your life.
45. you arrive home, thankful to be welcomed back into the warmth that somehow hadn't seemed enough earlier.
46. you know what capris are
47. You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette? I just spilled my poutine."
48. you know what a poutine is.
49. You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
50. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
51. You Know the National Anthem In Atleast One Language. [English or French/maybe even both]
52. You smile when people discover that calling you a 'Canuck' isn't an insult.
53. The day for fireworks is July 1 (Canada Day, used to be Dominion Day), or June 24 (Fête Nationale de Québec, also known as St-Jean Baptiste Day) in Quebec. Also New Year's Eve, though it's a bit cold for watching them
54. You've left a message at the beep.
55. The normal thing, when a couple dies, is for their estate to be divided equally between their children.
56. The police are armed, but not with submachine guns.
57. You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
58. Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts
59. You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.
60. are of course not American.
61. You're familiar with Kids In The Hall, This Hour Has 22 Minutes, Made In Canada, Red Green, North of 60, Anne of Green Gables, Royal Canadian Air Farce, Due South, Road to Avonlea, Raccoons, Danger Bay, Spirit Bay, Kids of Degrassi Street, Street Legal and maybe Traders, or if you're older, The Beachcombers, Wayne and Schuster, Don Messer's Jubilee, Front Page Challenge, and King of Kensington, even if you haven't watched them personally.
62. You either watch or listen to CBC television and radio, or you don't. That fact tends to make a difference in your view of the world.
63. You like The Molson 'Canadian' beer commercials
64. You can get a pizza get to your house faster than anambulance.
65. You leave cars worth thousands of dollars in thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
66. You Noticed that the drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
67. You use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
68. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
69. You know the proper pronunciation of the words Lieutenant and schedule.
70. You occasionally answer the phone by saying "Oui, 'ello".
71. Your local paper covers the national news on 2 pages but requires 6 pages for hockey
72. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
73. You've plugged a car in overnight.
74. You're easily impressed by British accents.
75. Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
76. You need a list like this to explain to you what it means to be Canadian
77. When in Niagara Falls, you scoff at how pathetic the American falls are compared to the Canadian ones.
78. You participated in "Participaction".
79. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
80. You fly into a rage in a Los Angeles 7-Eleven because they don't sell Crispy Crunch
81. You would feel safe leaving your children alone with a grown man in a leotard playing a flute to a chicken.
82. You Think an income tax refund is a gift from the government
83. You're fascinated by minute differences between the U.S. and Canada, and a bit annoyed at Europeans who can't tell you apart.
84. You're Just Proud To Be Canadian! =D
85. You know what a Chesterfield is.
86. Bob & Doug Mackenzie. Enough said.
87. Tim Horton's. Again, Enough said.
88. In the song 'If I Had a Million Dollars' by The Barenaked Ladies, you've memorized the inter-stanza banter between Steven & Ed.
89. You know who Steven and Ed are.
90. You njoy calling Avril Lavigne 'April', just because she would be annoyed.
91. You constantly apologize for things, even if they aren't your fault.
92. You know that the French national anthem has different words than the English one (ex. "We stand on guard for thee" & " Des plus brillants exploits")
93. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, favorite, and color.
94. You can do the hand actions to "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do."
95. You think -10 C is mild weather.
96. You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners.
97. Your snippy-thing stays on your fridge.
98. You insist on calling American celebrities by their RIGHT names of Jay-ZED, and ZED-ZED Top.
99. If you've ever worn earmuffs and sandals and the same time, and were comfortable doing so, because you weren't the only one dressed like that.
100. you know the "ONtari- ari- o" song, the "There's no place like this" song and the "Stay Alert, Stay Safe" & you know the "Keep fit and have fun!!" -- Body Break stuff with Hal & Joanne !
101. Heritgae Minutes helped you learn about Canadian History, cuz in History class you learned about American History
102. You know what a " double - double " is.
103. proud of cirque de Soleil
104. you love the riverdance--and the music
105. we call items by their advertised name ie: Kleenex, Oreos, Pogo's, Klondike Bar, etc...They Call Them : Facial Tissues, Black & white Cookies, Corndogs, Ice Cream Bars.
106. You start your car 30 minutes before you use it
107. ...when you know the PEI tourism song... 1-800-565-7421

Friday, January 30, 2009

Exceptional Loser

I'm taking a mental health day; a "fuck everybody" day if you will. I feel like an exceptional loser today, and here is why.

You may recall me mentioning about applying to some sort of disability since i clearly cannot work? Well, I spoke to the councelors/social workers at both the rehab places and was essentially told that there isn't much I can apply for (aka, NOTHING) since I live with my parents and they pay for everything, and blah blah blah. The only way (unless i did into a pension plan which I don't even know if I have) I could get money is to apply for some sort of rent check - get my parents to charge me rent and the gov't will give me money to cover it, or something like that. I was warned by the social worker that these Ministry of Community people are mean, and they are invasive, and it can take up for 4 months to get money/looked at/approved.

Is that worth it? No. Not in my eyes. Since i'm pretty sure that it's just as much of a bitch to get into as it would be to get out of.

The other option would be to move out and apply for ODSP. I don't want to do that.

The other thing is to claim a shit load of stuff on income tax and get it back. However, it will most likely be my parents that it get it back so I won't benefit from anything ever, and at this moment in time, I am an exceptional loser destined to free-load and mope and go poor and essentially live in a box somewhere behind a dirty factory tucked neatly inside of a snowbank.



I don't know, I know i'm lucky that I live with my parents and that all my bills are covered and la la la, but it's still frustrating. I don't know, it makes me feel like a loser or something, like i'm so dependent on everyone and i can't do anything, and it makes me feel really bad about myself. To top it all off, 2 people I know got tx's on the weekend (Vivian and Lynda), someone else got a call but it was a false alarm, and I feel like no one gives a flying fuck about my time on the list and I'll just eventually die and never get anything out of life. In this moment in time, in this split second of life, yes, i admit, I am having a pity party, and it sucks, b/c my life is completely on hold and there is nothing I can do about anything. I can't. As of yesterday i have been waiting 9 months.

I might regret this post later. I might regret the fact that I'm 23 and I sound like a whiney bitch b/c i feel like my soul is sinking into the shitter. And i might regret the fact that i bitched about being listed for 9 months while everyone i know gets done before my eyes. But you know what, at this point in time, in this very second, I JUST DON'T CARE.

*feels all her saved up Karma disappear*

Fucking great.


Alrighty, so i've had time to calm down, consume a little macaroni and cheese to redeem myself, and i feel better. I admit that i have a wonderful life, that collecting disability would only be for 'leisure' money, since I am fortunate enough to live with my parents for free. True, I don't want them to have to get everything for me, and i do still have money from when i worked, but it is running out. Oh well, I am rejoicing in the fact that my parents love me enough to have me live with them expense free.

Anywho, here is a little picture that completely made my day. I hope no one is offended by it, b/c i just randomly found it on a facebook event group that i was stalking.

Behold, Jesus holding a baby raptor:

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Too stunned for words right now


But it's definately related to it.

I was facebook stalking as I always do, when i went into the group "Awareness for Tissue and Organ Donation". I am a part of it but I never go in there, but today I did.

I was reading the wall when i got to the second posting and was absouletly stunned. I am going to copy and paste it, and please comment about what you think of it (either in the comments or in the guestbook).

"My daughter Hollie passed silently in her sleep on Sept, 1st,2008. 4 days before her 11th, birthday. We too donated her gifts of life to help families not to have to go through what we went through on that day.. We never had any signs or symptoms that she was even injured. She just never woke up. She was rushed to Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto where they had found that she died from a brain Aneurysm.. 3 adults with terminal conditions were saved. Gentleman with liver failure received her liver, A young woman and gentleman both with end stage renal desease received kidneys. Her heart and valves went to 2 other people on September 2nd,2008."

I got my call on Sept 2nd, 2008, and the donor deterorated too fast so I never got her lungs. I had a feeling that the donor was in Toronto which is why they wanted us to rush there. The Trillium Gift of Life woman told me that the donor was a "beautiful little girl". You will note that the mother never said that the lungs were used.

Is it just me, or does this seem to be more than a coincidence? Could this really be the girl whose lungs I was supposed to get and never did....?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


"I don't like to go out at night; I'm afraid of being molested"

These were the sentiments uttered by an older lady at rehab today, as I sat beside her at the weights bench. Roughly 80 years of age, she was jesting with an equally old gentlemen as to why she doesn't like to swim at night time, when he told her that he prefers to go swimming at night to avoid 'young people'. Her response was shocking but was met with screams of laughter, as she proclaimed, "I don't like to go out at night; i'm afraid of being molested", to which this was met with, "at least if you get molested, you're an experienced woman" implying that she has lots of sexual experience.

It is odd to hear the older people talk about sex and alcohol so much. Truely. I love when Gordie talks about his love for alcohol and how he always makes people laugh. Once he was on the arm bike and picked up the hand sanitizer and read, " be served with gin". There is not a day that goes by where some sexual or alcoholic reference isn't made. While these people may be 'old', they are certainly young at heart. It is nice to see, and mildly disgusting at the same time, lol.

I left rehab a little early today b/c i wasn't feeling well. I dont' know what it is but i felt like falling off the bike today and never peeling myself off the floor. I rode the bike for 8 minutes, got dizzy, hopped off, and was shocked to see my sats and h/r at 89%/150, even on 4L of oxygen. Oh well. What can I do, right? Nothing. Luckily the parking lot wasn't full so i got a nice close spot, and thanks to the cold weather, the spot where you pay or swipe your card is frozen so they have the arms up so you just glide on through. Woo hoo!

Today also marks the 5th year of Karyn's passing. 5 whole years. Holy crap. I cannot beleive it has been 5 years, but apparently it has. When i came onto the blog today I was greeted with "Time Of Your Life" by Green Day randomly. I never hear that song - ever, and my playlist is set to random. Since I never hear it it was shocking and I didn't know whether to scream or cry or what. This is the song they played at her funeral and i never ever hear it. Coincidence?

A couple of tears have squeaked out, but I can honestly say that it feels like another day; it doesn't feel like 'the day she died'; that inevitable day that you see on the calender and dread. I remember finding out when she died, and I am trying not to remember that feeling of hollowness that followed, like a peice of my heart had fallen out and my chest was an empty cavity (sans lungs encased in goo). The wrongness that accompanied the news is gone, and i am happy. But the feeling that still lingers is the utter saddness i felt, after finding out, and laying in bed with my pillow soaked through, and watching the news and hearing them announce it. It felt wrong to go on when my friend's life had just ended. I don't ever want to feel that way again, and I am glad that i don't.

So here we are 5 years later. I am not mourning, only remembering. That is all I want to say about this.

So yes, I hope everyone had a good day! Apparently there's some snow storm coming? Thankfully I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow, I can hole up and whore myself over my book like i've been wanting to do. Hope you had a great day!:)

And no, that pic isn't my nana and papa. I found it on Sexy People under the "Xmas" tag. A personal favourite is "Walter with Cat" (under the 'pets' tag), and "Reginald"(who can be found under the 'bowl cut' tag). Enjoy!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Just a vid and a pic

Please take a minute to go to this link and laugh your ass off:

Rest assured you will, and that you will not waste your time. And let it warm your heart to know that I am linking this wondeful specimen of Internet treasure under "Other Links" lest you ever feel the need to laugh your ass off!!


Found this upon a random Youtube stalking excursion. If you like cats you'll appreciate this. Enjoy!

Talking cats regardless, I am good. I went out to lunch today with a lovely lady by the name of Deb, who is absolutely fabulous and I am forever indebted to her for listening to me gab on and on and on. On on.

And on.

I decided to be smart today and go to rehab early. I knew they were open in the morning so I went before rehab. I got there at 10am and learned that that is infact a lie, that they are open from 8-10am. But b/c they love me so much they let me excerise all by myself and all alone, and i can truely say that no one got hurt or molested in the process.

Other than that nothing else interesting is going on with me. I added some new links though, random ones. Um...and I am still reading Vanity Fair but it pains me to admit that i am finding it tedious and slow and have started The Queen's Fool in the mean time.

That is all. There is nothing else for me to say. I am a boring individual today.

Oh yes:

I would like one of these please. Can you tell me where to get one?

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Change of colour

...and background.

You likey, or no likey?

I admit it is a drastic change. But the background is very 'springish' to me, like the season, not a box spring if that's what you were thinking. Like the leaves and the green and ... everything.

Let me know what you think. Better than before? Brighter than before?? It will mean I am limited in my posting colours (through my own choice, we'll see how long that lasts for).

So yes, yay or nay?


After admittedly staring at my blog for 2 hours and listening to my playlist (yes, i'm that narcissistic) i can wholeheartedly announce that i FUCKING LOVE IT!!!!! WOO HOO!

Saturday, January 24, 2009


Where have I been lately you ask? I've been here, if you must know.

I was going to write on the 22nd, to mark Alice's 1 year lung transplantversary, but time escaped me and i didn't, and Alice i'm sorry. But I sent you enough msgs on fb and your blog so you know that i celebrated.

The 22nd was also - or would have been - Karyn's 23rd birthday. I got a little emotional the night before, and I got a little teary on the actual day putting my make-up on (thank god for waterproof mascara), but there weren't a lot of tears shed. I went with Jess to visit her, and Jocelyn came along as well. Jocelyn recognizes Karyn if she sees her pic, and she knows her headstone, but she probably doesn't understand the whole deal. Afterall, she is only 3. We got to the cemetary and Karyn's mum and her best friend were there. It was good to see them and chat for a bit. There was easily a foot of snow and it was terrible to trudge through. Needless to say, I was very out of breath by the time we got to her.

Jess and I were expecting to be beside ourselves. I don't know why really, b/c we were both having moments before we came, and the night before. It's weird, but suddenly it just hits you, in ways that it has never hit you before. We were expecting to turn to mush the minute we got to her stone but we didn't. We just stood there and stared, and looked at the flowers people had left. Looking back, it was emotional. Jocelyn stood infront of Karyn's grave and sang happy birthday to her, and then she gave it a hug and a kiss. It was the sweetest thing ever, but we both agreed we will have to go back the 27th sans Joce, and get this 'moment' out. Sometimes you have to cry. Whether you're crying b/c they're not here, or b/c you're feeling the emotions you felt at the exact moment you heard they were gone, it needs to be done. So we will see how that goes.

Other than that i'm here. I'm back on Tobi and i feel like utter shite. I had a small bleed - well, pink spots in the lung goo - upon inspection after one Tobi excursion. Scary but bizarrley...exciting? Don't get me wrong, I didn't sing and dance over the realization that I coughed up blood, but it was cool at the same time, to think that lungs, which should by right be clear, can produce so much crap - ranging from mucus, to blood, to clear stuff, to infection, to other marvels. It seems like it's easier for them to be bad than good. You rebels you!

Um what else? That's about it. I'm sure i had some other exciting thing to write about but I don't. I don't think. Um......Nope that's about it. If i think of something I will write later.

I am still trying to procure a stethoscope, though I can't say that i've actively been trying to get one....i'm thinking about it. But it will happen, if i have to steal one or not.

Just found out that my dear Vivian (who got listed when I did) got his lungs today! I am so so excited! As Amy said, "another life saved!" I am over the moon for him!:)

Monday, January 19, 2009

Clinic Schmlinic

Yeah you guessed it: I went to clinic today.

But before clinic I had physio, and lets refresh our memory with regards to the various ways i managed to embarass myself, shall we?

Number 1: I get there and immediately see Don's wife, although I wasn't sure if it was Don's wife since I didn't see Don, so instead of saying 'hi' (b/c Don's wife and I made eye contact 3 times I beleive) i just looked away and acted like I didn't see her as only I can do.

Number 2: I'm slaving away on the horrible bike -dying- when Don comes up to me. He tells me he's here for his 6 months work up and I say that's great, that I can't beleive it's been 6 months. I selfishly pointed out that I was still waiting, and I noted louder than usual, "Yeah! I guess it's like being pregnant EXCEPT WITH NO BABY AT THE END" whereupon the room went silent and Don etched himself away from me and left the room.

Number 3: In the clinic appt I met the doc, who I didn't understand at all b/c she spoke so fast. When she introduced herself to me she said, "Hi I'm Dr. such and such; I don't think we've met" to which I stupidly shouted, "HI I'M GOOD THANKS HOW ARE YOU TODAY WE HAVENT MET BEFORE!"

I swear to god.

Number 4: As I'm leaving I tell the nurse practitioner that I spoke to the guy who was in the Toronto Star who had the lung perfusion done (b/c he was on the bike at the same time I was). I told her that at first I didn't recognize him, but then blurted out, "OH YEAH YOU'RE THE GUY FROM THE PAPER!" and i told the nurse jokingly, "I think I scared him. He probably wanted to run away from me! HA HA HA" to which she went silent as well.

But although I had a string of unfortunate vocal events today (voice immodulation me thinks) my dad's moment trumps them all. I was at the clinic counter waiting restlessly, huffing and puffing, when my dad informed me he was going to the bathroom. So as I looked down the hall I caught a glimpse of my dad....and I watched helplessly as he walked straight into the women's washroom. I waited. No dad. Waited some more, trying not to laugh, until about 30 seconds later my dad emerges, finally realizing that he had gone into the wrong bathroom. To make it better, he left the women's washroom just as a sea of people filtered by and witnessed his grand exit.

It was marvelous.

That's about it. I go back in 2 months. It wasn't that exciting. Hoping lungs come before then. And I'm on Tobi again. Joy to the world.

OH YEAH! I also got to listen to my lungs with a stethoscope, and am now on the hunt for one. I will either buy one or con a nurse/physio person to give me one. Whatever comes first...but i'm pretty sure the option will be hospital theft.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Random Googling

Admit it: you do it too.

You probably did it today, or did it last night, or may even be inspired to do it right after reading this post: the random google.

Usually I find myself randomly googling things late at night, usually Saturday, when i'm so tired but too stubborn to get to bed. And I don't randomly google things to obtain information per ce, I mostly randomly google images. Who doesn't like pictures right?

Currently I'm randomly googling pictures of Nova Scotia. Why? Why not? I've been there, and I frigging love it, and I want to go back. Up next: pictures of Newfoundland. Why? Because Jenna told me. Actually, I'm quite afraid of Newfoundland, b/c when I was a kid I had a dream that I fell off the side of Newfoundland and was dragged out to sea by a pod of humpback whales and was taken straight to the bottom. In the middle of the ocean. It's a touchy subject...

Which leads me to another frequent random image google of mine: whales. I love whales, and I'm completely terrified of them. Looking at images scares me even more, and reminds me why I stay the hell out of the water.

Another up and coming random image google will be the Halifax Explosion. Why? I don't know...when i was in NS we drove through where it happened and while you can't see any of the damage anymore (since it's been almost 100 years)it would still be cool to see some. And yes alright, morbid too. Also in this category of previous random image googles: Titanic. Timeless, and always exciting. Another random image google is this: 19th century. Very exciting.

And finally the last frequent random google, that I actually did again last Saturday: sharks. More preferably, big sharks, or shark attacks, or sharks in waves. I don't know why i've got such a preoccupation with shark images, i think again, like the whale thing, I'm terrified of them, and I like looking at pictures of the sea-beasts because of my morbid curiosity. BUT! It's a great time-passer while I sit here waiting for my transplant.

Enjoy your random google image search. I know you'll do it, and if you do, comment or post in the guest book what you searched. YAY!

Holy crap!

Or this random Titanic google!:

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hard Attack

I awoke at roughly 4am this morning in a horrible amount of pain. It was isolated to the left side of my chest, under my left boob and down the middle of my sternum. It was a pinching, tight, stinging pain that was there when i held my breath, and was there when I breathed. It was inexorable.

I was having a heart attack.

Omg, I'm having a heart attack!
No, you're not; if you were having a heart attack you wouldn't be thinking - at least not rationally.
You're right.
Maybe I should tell mum and dad?
No, it's too late, they're asleep.

Try hitting yourself.
Oh! It's probably i guess it's ok to go back to sleep.
Yeah, I'm so tired...

As i tried to decipher what exactly was happening to me, sleep eventually took over and I was out of it. Clearly, if i was having a heart attack i survived it. But I couldn't figure out what the pain exactly was. I still have it, though it's nowhere near as bad as it was last night. I've determined that it most like is the aforementioned (as noted in my wonderful thought bubble in italics), and am taking it easy.

I do have clinic at TGH on Monday, and will bring up the countless assaults that pleurisy has had on my person as of late. This just doesn't feel normal. The last time I had pleurisy -last month - I had actually had it for a solid week before it dawned on me what it was. I thought i just had a really sore back b/c i was sitting it weird positions or something. But no, it was in fact pleurisy. And in July when I had it for 13 days...I don't know. You would think that I've had it enough to know what it feels like when it strikes, but every time I've had it, it's felt completely different than the last time. The only constant with it (besides its constant presence) is the fact that it's incredibly painful, and you literally can feel it hovering over the area it's planning on attacking.

*sigh* Oh well. I haven't taken anything for the pain yet today. I am currently waiting for the oxygen company to come by and fill my liquid tanks.

That's about all for now. I'm going to go back to reading Vanity Fair and will sit here and conquer the well as conquer my deep urge to consume mass quantities of Oreo cookies. Mmmmmmmm.......

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Hospital memories

Every now and then something happens that sparks a memory of the hospital for me. And they're not bad: they're happy memories - and that's what's so weird.

I caught myself in a state of nostalgia (kind of) yesterday as I dragged my O2 cart out of my car (and those who know me know that i literally drag it, bang it, drop it, and get it caught on corners and that overall, I'm not too gentle with it). As i turned it on, and put the prongs into my nose, it washed over me. There is something that I need to explain to any non-O2 users: the prongs themselves have a smell. It's not the O2 that smells, and you're not smelling the scent of whatever is caught in the prongs that came out of your nose; you're smelling a combination of the O2 and the plastic as it flows through the tubing. And it's that smell that is comforting.

Isn't that just fucking weird?! I feel it every night when I put it on as I go to bed, or as I put it on to catch my breath, or shower, or anything really. When i put it on and I smell it, I feel fine, like everything is ok. And it's weird, b/c for the longest time I was so anti-O2 it seemed. But now...i think it's safe to say that i'm pretty ok with it.

Another huge nostalgic issue for me that reminds me of the hosp (and my childhood) and makes me happy (and sad but in a good way) at the same time, is chocolate milk. Whenever I was in the hosp, and even when I was in for a month when I was 17, I always got chocolate milk. CHOCOLATE MILK = THE HOSPITAL WHICH = COMFORT and in essensce = TOTAL WEIRDNESS. I don't think this is something you can explain to anyone who has never had a prolonged or continual hosptial stay. I, like many people who read this blog, spent a lot of time in the hosp growing up, and while most people think it's sad and unfortunate, I have nothing but happy memories really. Nurses always did their utmost to make sure I was comfortable, and if giving me chocolate milk and the smell of oxygen tubing blowing up my nose is what made me happy, then so be it, right?

Granted, I know I wasn't always the most pleasant...willing...compliant ( i admit it!) patient, and I'm pretty sure when I was in the hosp at 17, I asked everyday when could I go home, and that I got to the point that I informed them that I was just going to leave on my own and not tell them, and that I did actually make a point to never be in my room when the physio lady came to beat me and when it was time for my IV meds....but regardless, I do carry fond memories. I think the whole thing has to do with the fact that I was taken care of and didn't feel like I had to do anything to reciprocate. All i had to do was sit there and get better. And not try to escape. Repeatedly.

Another thing that warms my bossom (and I think i've mentioned this) is the tupperware cover that covers your food when they bring it to you. Why? i don't know, I really don't. And i don't know why it makes me so happy either, seeing as I always hated the food they brought to me. But maybe it makes me happy b/c whatever was under that container lid thing, it was always a mystery, and that mystery was a symbol of hope b/c maybe - just maybe! - it was something I liked! I don't know. Maybe I am messed up. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I have thought about this too much. Maybe I just don't care what people think.

I think that's about it for now. I hope everyone who reads this from Canada and some of the northern States STAYS WARM TODAY! As I write this, it is -19*C. Yes. I don't know what else I can say about that. -19 just about sums it up.


P.S. Can anyone see my counter at the very bottom of my page? Am i the only one who sees an X? Does anyone know how to fix this? I'll be sad if i've lost my number of hits!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


*cracks open eye*


*rolls over and falls onto floor out of bed*

I feel like crap today. Complete and utter crap. I feel like my legs weigh a ton - like i have been at the beach all day in the water or something.They feel heavy like they are full of wet sand or something. Same goes for my arms.

I feel like a heavy, sandy, wet mess. And i'm full of thick, sticky, horrible bright green crap in my lungs today. If i cough and breathe in it makes this horrible sucking sound, but i can't bring anything up b/c it is occupied with clogging my lungs and refuses to be cleared.


And i have to go to rehab but I don't feel like it. And it's snowing in huge fat flakes outside, but luckily my precious Red Rocket is protected in my garage away from it all.

I kind of wish it was Friday so i could just stay here and watch The View and read Vanity Fair and drink a pop. And I don't know what to eat for lunch...I just had a nutrigrain bar.

I'm not making any sense. But at least i'm wearing sweatpants.

Monday, January 12, 2009

I'm a big girl now...!

First things first:

I saw that scary, scary movie and I slept through the night! I definitely acted like a pig by ordering a massive popcorn and coke, and i definiately stuffed half my hand in my mouth to get the popcorn as close as possible to my throat entrance, just so i could stuff the absolute maximum amount of popcorn in my mouth from the front to begin with. Not attractive, but it was dark, and everyone was so captivated by the scariness that it didn't truely matter how much of a display i made of myself. So yay!

What else? I made chicken stock today. In total it took about 6 hours. I'm hovering over the kitchen as it cools to scare away my mum who is trying to seek control of my culinary operations. I do not trust anyone to mess with my cooking, even if all said person wants to do is pour it into tupperware. Can you beleive I actually fought with my mum over what size tupperware I was going to put the stock in? TUPPERWARE PEOPLE! TUPPERWARE I SAY!

She called me 'possessive' of my soup, and i told her that i have every right to be since i made it and trust it in the care of nobody but its creator - moi. She said i didn't just make it for me but for everyone. I don't remember inviting anyone else to eat it after it's creation so we'll see just how much of my small stock of generosity is actually maintained after tonights hurtful events.

Possessive! *shock*

Yesterday I made cake. Friendship cake it's called. And yes, I shared it. I more than shared it, i handed it out like frigging candy. Go team generosity, go.

What else? That's about it. I have nothing worth saying tonight. It's supposed to get really, really, really cold at the end of the week, so we'll see how things go.

I'm going to go before i bore people. We'll see how the Tupperware War goes downstairs. Maybe i'll resort to hiding my soup and eating it in absolute secrecy....

So mum poured my soup, and all is well and peaceful in the house. The Tupperware War is over, all feelings repaired.


Someone asked if i would share my stock recipe, so I will, b/c it's not mine, b/c i stole it from someone online. So here it is:

Read people's reviews if you want additional ideas, I find that they help a lot. Also, i lost a lot of liquid b/c i didn't have a lid on, and then i had it half on. COVER THE STOCK WHEN IT'S SIMMERING. And don't hesitate to add additional water with a bouillon cube or powder ( i did this when the bones were cooling on a plate). If you make it, let me know how yours turns out!:)

Friday, January 9, 2009

An island of misfit toys

You know in that 1960's Christmas movie, Rudolph, when Rudolph and the elf (who wants to be a dentist) end up at The Island of Misfit Toys (where the broken and unwanted ones go)? That is very much how I felt today when I went to get my IV.

Usually, it's just me there in the back. Sometimes there's a girl (who's name I can't remember) or some little kids, and then nurses, and that's it. It's very quiet tho. Well today there were 3 other patients and their parents, and then nurses. It was a very busy day for them indeed. But as I looked around and registered what was wrong with all of us (we each have something different, but we all get IVs nonetheless), I realized that we are very much like The Island of Misfit Toys, medically and internally broken in some way, who have been sent to this place to be fixed and made functional again, all so we can go back out into the world for the next month until we have to return to be tweeked.

And as bizarre as it sounds, this is my reality and I am totally ok with it. I cannot for the life of me imagine anything but. What will happen post-tx if this is all taken away? Can i function? It's not a horrible thing really (to be cured), but mentally, to take something away from me that I've been doing my whole life.....? It's crazy to think of. I cannot fathom it, and yet, a small part can. And that small part is more afraid than excited. I dunno!

Anyways, my day was long. I had physio this morning then trekked over to the other hosp for my IV. I got there at 10:30 and they tried for an IV around 11. No luck. One poke, two poke, three poke, four, and it finally went in and worked. And then it leaked. Then the leak got fixed, and then it started leaking somewhere else, which left my arm a sticky wet mess, but overall I was fine with it. It was weird though, as I sat there reading, I coughed (as I do) and the guy beside me (the girls dad) said, "WHOA! That does not sound healthy!" *akward laugh*. I turned around and said, "Yeah! That's why I'm waiting for a LUNG TRANSPLANT!". It shut him the hell up. It's not that I was offended, b/c I wasn't, but for once instead of getting embarassed or saying, "I'm sick" i told the person up front and I could tell they felt bad. Which makes me feel great.


In total, my left arm got poked 3 times, and my right arm once (in the elbow). All blew and/or wouldn't thread through or got blocked b/c of scar tissue. Fun stuff. My left arm is very sore as you can imagine. I am going to try to somehow make this into an excuse to not do anything around the house....

In other news, I gained 2 lbs. I suspected this for a while, and it was proven true when i got weighed. It's not horrible and its not much, but I can definately see it. In my face. Maybe it's just the way my hair is today, that it just makes me look terrible and should make me realize to never wear my hair like this again. I dunno, but i could definately see those 2lbs sitting nicely in my jowels.

Oh, and you know how sometimes, some women do their makeup so bad that it's all you can stare at if you talk to them? I was definately that woman today too. My eyeliner looks like shit - absolute shit. it's so heavy that you could probably peel it off my eyelids; like I put it on in the dark or something. Oh well. I'm going to the movies tonight anyways with Jess so see The Unborn, so i'll probably scream half it off anyways. I havent' been to the movies in ever, and am a little scared to see how I will make it around the theatre, what with all the stairs and stuff...Hm...I guess i truely don't go enough to have considered this beforehand!

So yes, what happened today? I exercised, got stabbed four times, i gained 2lbs in my face, I stepped in a huge puddle of dog pee when I got home, and i look like a whore.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dream Big

So i had a big dream today. No, not a mental dream where you're sleeping (helloREM sleep). No, I had a vision that pertained to supper - there was only one thing i felt like and nothing would stand in my way; not lemon chicken and not rice, and definitely not mum and dad. And not my sister and her crazy notions of what is healthy and what is not; and I made an effort to block out the fact that I did have a giant bowl of Poutine at the hosp for lunch.

No, I had a vision, a huge, monstrous dream, and I accomplished it in proportions so epic that I almost exploded: chocolate chip pancakes.

I don't know why I had such an urge for chocolate chip pancakes, but in my minds eye I saw this massive cake the size of a plate bespecked with chocolate. The first pancake was not quite shaped how i envisioned, but the second one was. To claim that it was massive would be a true understatement. It surpassed the size of my plate easily and it was more chocolate than pancake. But when I went to flip it I was struck by an unfortunate accident that resulted in the glorious pancake folding in on itself, and thus, greatly reducing its size and the sense of pride I had internally built up for it.

Nonetheless, it held true to its appearance when I claim it was more chocolate than pancake. There was so much chocolate in this precious gem that I couldn't even finish it. I really truely couldn't. My sister looked at it with horror and I just sat there in disgust with myself. In the end, I had a huge dream (albeit bizarre) and I accomplished it today - no matter how mundane and trivial it may seem!


Today I ventured over to TO. The weather this morning was absolute crap and was so poor that as I drove myself to the car park to meet Dave, I seriously contemplated pulling over on the slushy, icey, SHITE ROADS and crying. My lights on my car SUCK - plain and simple - and i could barely see. It didn't help that the asshole behind me had blazing tank lights that burned through my retinas from behind, and then the people who fly by you in the on-coming lane are no better. With the giant snow flakes raining down to add to it, I wanted to scream I was so overwhelmed. Gah. Not only that, but I didn't sleep at all lastnight ( a night where you see every waking hour - ugh). I had to get up at 6am, to leave at 6:45 am, to meet Dave at 7:15am, to leave for TO. I did luck in though, as there was no line at Timmies. So yay to that.

TGH was good. A lot of people got done over the holidays, and although I see these people on semi-regular basis', I can't for the life me remember a single name. Usually I smile and act like I do, and i feel like a complete dick when they know my name and I just smile like a puppet and nod b/c I can't depend on myself to remember theirs. Oh well.

What else? Oh yes, it was brought to my attention to apply for disability so I can get money b/c I can't work b/c, you know, the whole not-being-able-to-breathe dealio. (Did you know about that?hmm...)So yeah, when i told my dad he looked releived and asked why in hell I havent done it yet, how he's been waiting for me to do it, or at least mention it. I guess in my head, disability was for pussies and was more or less like welfare, wherein if you get on it, it's a bitch to get off of, so I just sat in my poorness and cried whenever i caught a glimpse of my dwindling debit card. And i cursed people who could make and earn money. So yeah, I will go abouts and see getting that started.

Being the horrible and selfish person that I am, my first thought wasn't, "ooh great! i'll use this money to keep in my savings!" No, it was, "OMG DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BOOKS I WILL BE ABLE TO BUY!?!" And do you know what I did tonight? I MADE A BOOK LIST. I am a sick, sick individual. Jenna told me I have a book addiction (which I argue is more of an affliction than anything), but assured me that it's better than being addicted to crack. So i've got that going for me.

So yes, this has been random and it's really long, but if you must know, here's my new book list:

Northanger Abbey
Mansfeild Park
and North and South.

So there.

Monday, January 5, 2009

What is it??

You may note that I added a ton of more songs to the play list. Mainly oldies but goodies. But there is a mystery that surrounds a song near and dear to my heart - as I'm sure the song is near and dear to your heart too, if you're around the same age as myself.

The Sign, by Ace of Base. If you flick through and select it and give it a listen, tell me what she says at the beginning at 15 seconds. My friends and I have sat for endless hours trying to deceifer what she says, but to no avail.

There are 3 possibilities:
1) I thought I knew you
2) I'm gonna moon you (that's what I think it is)
3) I'm gonna ruin you (which i heard today).

Please, I beg you, give it a listen and post either a comment in the guestbook what you believe this thing to be. Clearly it still bothers me! And to clear up, I added Brown Eyed Girl when I don't have brown eyes.

They're blue.

I'm just saying.

That's about it. I went to rehab today and it was good. Tonight I'm going over to see the silly child, Jocelyn, as she is 3 today. I can't beleive it. She must stop aging.

Thanks for the help!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

You're a Beast, Mr. Hurricane!

2009 is here and I can proudly claim that I have succeeded in getting Krystal addicted to "Mr. Hurricane" by Beast. I added it to my play list and if you havent heard it yet, listen to it.

Silly me, heard it on the radio and assumed it was an old song, so i kept my mouth shut and didn't tell everyone about my amazing discovery, but alas, it's a new song and I'm spreading the word on it's wonderfulness (i'm sure i'll be sick of it next week). To use my papa's favourite word, "marvelous!"

New Years was great! It was a low key night with the girlies at Jenna's humble abode. As always, I was the first one to arrive ( i try so hard to be late and i always fail. i'm always the first to arrive). Jenna and I waited for Krystal and Katey to show up for so long that we just started drinking without them. I don't lie when I say Jenna made me a fabulous Pena Colada with her Magic Bullet. And another discovery on my part, a Magic Bullet isn't a dildo but rather it's an actual blender! Who knew!

So yeah, I only had one drink and then we all spent the night. And yes I brought and used my O2. I didn't sleep well at all but hey, at least i wasn't horribly hungover either. That's all part of New Years, having fun no matter what and not sleeping. I can't complain it was great all the way around!

New Years day saw us at Nana and Papa's place. Snore. No offense to Nana and Papa, I love them both, but I was so tired and wasn't in the mood to socialize. My papa bought a brand new Panasonic 50 inch flat screen TV and he's so proud of it that you'd think he had given birth to it. So we gathered around it and watched Hockey, then some show on Greece, then some racing thing, and by that time I was so bored i started flipping through a book i found called "The Heritage of Canada." I told my papa I like that kinda stuff, and he said I could bring it home but I told him if that happened he would never get it back. He then forbid me from removing it from his house.

Finally we left and I've pretty much been doing nothing since. Yesterday was disgusting. I wore jammies all day and felt like i had been in a hole I felt so gross. Today I'm supposed to go to do something avec Jenna so we'll see.

I start rehab again this week. I don't care either way. I don't miss it but I don't hate it. I guess i'm just so accustomed to being lazy that I just don't care. I could probably allow my body to melt into a pile of goo and somehow be content with the way things panned out for me. I think regardless it will be good to get back to rehab so i can stop sitting on my fat ass dwelling over the stomach roll that's taken up residence at the front of my abdomen.

Lungs are the same as always. Crappy, very out of breath, very productive and gross. What else is new. Infection brewing? Perhaps, but knowing me I'll leave it until the last minute.

Hope everyone had a happy and safe New Year!