My Double Lung Transplant

Saturday, May 31, 2008

On Your Wedding Day....


Today is your wedding day. In 12 hours you'll be standing behind the church doors, waiting for them to open so you can walk down the aisle to your (as of now, almost) husband. Your friends (me being one of them) will be sitting in the audience, trying not to cry, but as I sit here and type this out, just thinking of your happy day and how long you've waited for it, i find myself fighting the urge to start crying.

I guess this entry is a longer version of the card I'll give you. And you know me, I don't just write a card, I write a novel, and this entry provides you with all the memories and stupid things that aren't appropriate to put on a wedding card to a couple on their happy day.

We've been through a lot since we met in high school, in Drivers that mouldy old, nasty classroom. It's been even longer since we mocked the annoying teacher ("Hand over hand over hand") and longer still since we compared notes on the in-car instructor. I remember the summer where we hung out every day and I bitched about my terrible job as a student painter. When i quit you helped me throw all my painting shit over my bosses front lawn, and you happily took the picture of you and me in the front seat of my car down my bosses street, as we extended our middle fingers into the air and proudly told her to fuck off. The pride and joy we felt at that moment was insurmountable: we weren't powerless. We were young (and we still are!) and we were fun and we were daring - and I hope that we remain that way.

I remember when we went to Wonderland as chaperones to your sister's camp thing. I love rides and thought I had a stomach of steel, but unfortunately I had milk that day and threw up before we even got on the rides. I remember when I threw up on the back of that ladies bare legs as we waited in line for The Italiant Job ride, and you laughed your ass off at me and it was great. I remember when you stood up on The Great Canadian Mind Muster when we were at the top and the ride stopped and a voice came over the speaker telling you to sit down. I think i still have that picture we took when we were on that ride. We rode it so many times, and it was great.

I also remember our great pet crusade, when we were determined to obtain and raise plenty of fish. I remember you bought yours and we got back to your house to discover that your then-current fish had died - he had died so bad that when you took it out of the tank with the fish net, he got stuck and when you finally flipped him over, his eye fell out of the socket. I can proudly say I still have my 2 fish from that day, Fishee and Fins, who reside in my tank with Goldie and FatFuck. Oh memories....they truely last a lifetime!

We've had our fights - trust me; you know they were awful. And we've had long periods when we didn't even speak, but somehow we always found our way back to eachother and resumed our friendship, and I am honoured to be attending your wedding tomorrow:)

For you and your husband, I would wish you a million years of health and happiness. I would wish that you two will love, honour, and respect for eachother for all eternity and that you'll have lots of babies. And above all, I would wish you much laughter and happy memories that you will never forget.

But you know what? I can't just sit here and say "I would" wish these things for you.

I will.

So Happy Wedding Day, Beka and Sean: I wish you all the best:)

Thursday, May 29, 2008

1 month..

...and I'm too fucking lazy to even post about it.

By 1 month I mean to say that i've been listed for 1 month. Go me.

Since last Friday, my center has done 4 lung tx's: one last Fri, one over the weekend, one on Tues, and one on Weds. How awesome. Way to go to ppl who consent to be donors, and way to go to those donors who actually keep themselves healthy enough to have their consented organs actually donated and used. You rock. A surgeon at the support meeting the other day said that for every 5 donors, only 1 has lungs which are suitable for donation....and he said before even 1 person gets 'the call', they go through about 4 potential donors. And we wonder why we wait. It's marvelous and i relish the honesty of doctors.

What have I been up to you ask? Pretty much nothing. I test called my pager today and was thrilled to see that it's still functioning. I had my IV and was thrilled to only receive 1 poke and even shocked at when blood came gushing out. The weather is gorgeous and I finished my book: The Other Boleyn Girl, and now I'm completely and utterly obsessed with Medieval times and lifestyles. If i could live in a stone castle and be merry and reign a country, i would.

What else??? I feel pretty brain damaged b/c I can't seem to remember anything. My lungs are still 'ill' and i get out of breath a lot more but what else is new? I had a lot of funny stuff to post but my brain failed to remember what it was. I know that when I sign out I'll remember.

Seems like once again ppl have to bring up the future and school and jobs and getting their MA's. When i ordered Grant to stop talking to me about moving out of his parents house b/c i am poor and jobless and am afraid to finish school for fear I will never get a job Jenna echoed my sentiments in that talk of the future (with respect to jobs and being financially stable) is 'depressing' and makes her feel like she's stuck in an 'effing bottomless pit'. Alas, I am not alone - though it's hard to not feel it.

Other than that I'm completely happy - though sometimes i have issues with expressing happiness. My friend is getting married on Sat and I am completely stoked. I am so excited and I sometimes wonder if this much excitement is really warrented since it's not my wedding. Oh well. I guess i'm just that much of an amazing friend.

ProResp sucks (again, with the negativity!). I called them saying i needed my liquid O2 filled (b/c they come to my city on Thurs) and asked if they had smaller nasal prongs. They said they'd look. But was there a delivery today? No. Did anything I ordered show up? NO.


What else?

There was something else but my brain has failed me.

Oh yes....I was suppsed to call my old rehab place and sort out days to go down to them now since i've been listed for a month. And did I remember? No. I can't even find their phone number.

I'm so irresponsible sometimes.

Anyways that's it. I need to sleep and nurse w/e nasty infection is refusing to self-destruct at the hands of antibiotics in my lungs.

Oh well.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Two Girls Who Had a Dream

World Transplant Games, August 22-30, 2009, Gold Coast Australia.

What do you say, Alice? Should we do it?

Like I told you, this is our ticket to really experience LIFE.

We've been couped up with lung disease for how long, not able to do ANYTHING and THIS is our ticket to meet eachother and THIS is out ticket to live our dream of LIVING.

And even better - it falls the week of our b-days! (August 23(moi) August 31(Alice)).

What do you say, Alice?? What do you say!?? WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

(lets hope i'm tx'd by then!)

Hope this doens't shock my parents - whom i don't think know I blog (my sis does tho) far it's just an idea but it's a damn good one!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Everyday is a winding road

The topic title is completely irrelevent to anything that has to do with blogging today - I just hope i put that Sheryl Crow song in your head...forever and ever and ever and ever.

And ever.

It has officially been one week since McIntern's sudden departure from TGH. While I am still crushed and slightly squashed on the inside, the pain in my heart is dissipating and I find that I no longer yearn to see him when i am finished my exercises. That's not to mean I don't secretly hope that he'll pop in and have a boo at me but in all honesty....i guess it's ok and I will survive.

I have been given the go-ahead to go back to rehab where I was before TGH since my thrice weekly rehab excersions at TGH are almost up! You need to do rehab 3 times a week for the FIRST month of being listed at TGH, then, once you've completed a month, you can transfer two days to any local rehab facility of your choice. The best and most obvious one is the place I went to prior to this. Actually, many people from my area who go to TGH are transfering themselves to the same rehab place I'm going to so it's nice.

I cannot beleive I have been listed for almost a month! April 29th, right? Wow.

Lastnight I had 4 dreams. In 2 of them I got 'the call' and it was like i went through every motion and every emotion of getting it. I had 3 dreams that I made cupcakes that were so good that I ate the paper wrapping that they came in too. I can't remember what the 4th dream was about but I know I had it - maybe it had something to do with cupcakes?

I had my tx clinic appt on Weds. They told me to start Cipro so I have. Talk about horse pills, i gagged on the first one I took. It tasted awful and quite frankly I was a little offended by it's taste. So now I am on 4 antibitics: Septra, Zithro, TOBI, and Cipro, and I'm STILL coughing up lots of crap and i'm STILL in some weird form of pain when i inhale sharply. I found rehab difficult lately as I can honestly say now that I am feeling the effects of my crappy lungs. While I don't want to say "this is it" for them, (it's clearly not) but i can definately feel the effects of the disease as it progresses. I took 4 breaks over the course of my 20 minutes on the bike yesterday...i found it really hard to get through. Walking to and from the bus stop was terrible as well, and walking from a to b now is getting more and more difficult.

It's pointless to complain about this b/c I can't change it, and no amount of antibitics will make it go away. I have no choice but to marvel at the human body as it faces destruction at the hands of disease.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Truth Revealed

It's official: I make noise in my sleep.

On the bus.

And not just once.

I had a shitty sleep lastnight - i had some stupid fucking song in my head except it was the same part going over and over again, and b/c i knew i had to be up at 7 AM to attend an 11am meeting at TO that McIntern would not be attending b/c he no longer is at TGH, thoughts and fears were rushing through my head. Also, at about 2:30 am, I woke up thinking I was having a heart attack.

I went to bed around 11:45pm, fell asleep at 3am, woke up at 7am. I hauled ass to the bus, waited in the cold, got on, and fell asleep...I was half asleep but half awake, and completely in control of my body I felt. So i slept....I could hear the song on my iPod so i was in complete control.

And then a little sound escaped me, but it was fine b/c like I said, I was in complete control. And then another, or maybe it was the same sound. I could still hear the song in my head so it was cool. I decided to open my eyes. My brain shifted into consciousness....what was going on in reality was NOT occuring in my head. I was NOT listening to Evanescence but rather I think it was Fergie. And i didn't just make ONE sound I had made a TON and I'm pretty sure they were LOUD.

So the verdict is in that I cannot be allowed and must be forbidden to sleep on public transit b/c I probably scare people with my inability to sleep soundly. Not just that, but when i sleep my chest tends to gurgle b/c of all the shit inside so that accompanied with the odd escaped sound, is embarassing.

So i got to TO, went to the hosp and went to the meeting. It was fine. Rehab was ok, but now that McIntern and Intern Friend are GONE, NO ONE comes to check on one even cares! No McIntern - just McSadness and McLonliness.

Actually, it was more like total McAbandonment.

I had a clinic appt so i went and waited an hour. I told them about how i feel that Tobi is killing me and doing dick all, and i had to give a sputum sample right then and there, so I champed it up and did it, and they were quite appauled with what i brought up, so I am instructed to begin Cipro so that I will. I shall begin that tomorrow.

Tomorrow is also the farewell party at the rehab place i was at before i started at TGH. I made cupcakes. They are full of specialness.

That's all for now. I'm off to watch Kimmel and sleep for hopefully 10 hours.

Saturday, May 17, 2008


I am le sick:(

With what I don't know....but I've been on Tobi for a week and it's done squat. On top of that I am on my 'all the time' antibitics, Septra and Zithro. Apparently, I will need an army to uphold these lungs - like a crappy sagging fort that's wilting in the rain.

It was my sister who pointed out to me that I sounded like I was getting sick - again. Joy of all joys. I do have a 'script for Cipro (never been on that and havent exhausted it either - yet!) so...I think like the smart human being that I am that I will wait until Friday to see if things have simmered down before calling in the Cipro.

I am doing well other than that. Heart is mending after the sudden departure of McIntern but I will get over it. He is a person too (not like a celebrity who, as we all know, aren't) and I hope that the rest of his endevours go well. If our paths cross in the future, great, but lets hope I don't make a spectacle or fool out of myself.

So far I don't think I have but I still worry.

That's it for now.

I think.



Friday, May 16, 2008

The Last (Supper)

Today was Friday which meant rehab which means that I SAW McINTERN! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My mum came with me b/c i was under the impression that at 11:30 I was meeting Dr. Eric Clapton to sign some forms (aptly called End of Life forms incase I die - which will never happen b/c i'm immortal) and I found out it's a lie: we got together to discuss what to do if i come close to dying.

Fucking liar. Geeze.

But you guys don't care about that - you want to hear about McIntern and I shall elaborate.

He looked completely gorgeous today. No scrubs, just black pants and a black dress shirt topped with 100% gorgeousness. His hair appeared straighter than it's usual waviness, but he was still sexy and delicious nonethless. And i managed to look good too, except after lunch i was bloated and had the farts really bad, and I even had to escape the room at one point so i could fart 10lbs out of my ass and resume looking relatively good on a treadmill.

There wasn't much socializing today b/c he was doing paperwork, which gave me ample staring time. And stare and stare I did. When i was on my last rehab thing for the day, he came and talked to me for like 10 minutes straight when I was on the treadmill. TEN MINUTES OF COMPLETE GORGEOUSNESS, FLIRTING, LAUGHING, EVERYTHING BUT MAKING BABIES PERFECTNESS. He was so close and so gorgeous that I could smell him and I probably died a little on the inside from happiness.

"I feel like I haven't seen you much this week!" he said.
"I know! Where were you Weds? I saw you a little bit but then you disappeared!"
"I actually had to go to a patient on the general floor and it took a lot longer than I thought. I noticed when I reviewed your chart that you took a break while you were on the bike the last time. Are you feeling ok?"
*melts* "...The usual....i'm a little tight b/c I started a new med"
*deep brown eyes fill with concern* "Oh that's not good...well, I've set new goals for you...I want you to be walking on the treadmill at level 2..."
"You're trying to kill me"
*laughs* "No, I think you can do it; and I also want you to lift 4lb weights instead of 2"
"I thought I was supposed to stay the same the whole time"
"Well no I set new goals for you."
"And you're just telling me now....Shouldn't I consent to these goals before you set them?"
*laughs* "That's why I'm telling you now"
"We'll see what I can do"

I decided to change the subject.
"So are you in school all year around?"
"Yea...I actually go back Tuesday...I feel so weird not wearing my scrubs!"
"I noticed! Why aren't you wearing them?"
"I handed them in: today's my last day."


"OH NO! How come?" *trying to not be completely obvious that i'm crushed*
"B/c the internship is up...and now I go back."

And that's when the world ended. I had 3 minutes left on the treadmill and I got to spend it with him, but I am happy that they were spent with him. I am crushed; I am saddened, but I got a chance to say goodbye and that I wished him well when I left. And i flashed him a huge smile on my way out.

"Goodbye, I love you!" I whispered/yelled when I was in the hallway with my mum. She laughed. Oh i'm so sad - no one knows how sad I am:( I cannot beleive I am this in-love with an intern! But somehow, I know our paths will cross again someday. I just know it and I feel it.

I didn't get a picture of him, I didn't get his email nor did I give him mine. We both have facebook and hopefully he will find me and add me. My heart is heavy. Woe is me.


I will admit though that when I was on the treadmill I could feel the hotness radiating from his body and felt a real connection with him - like maybe that he actually likes me and has a crush on me, and that he's sad that he's leaving.

Do not worry my readers, for I have a plan up my sleeve for Tuesday. There is another intern at rehab whom I am friends with, and I plan on confessing my love for him to her and I will either give her my email to give to him (i hope she knows it or at least knows something!) and if not...I know what uni he goes to and where it is! At least I am in the same city as him 3 times a week....

He will always know where to find me.....And i honestly hope that he does.

Day 15 of being listed.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Day that Just got Worse

So not only did I miss my fucking bus this morning, my day was completely horrible.

So first thing first: i miss my intended bus like an asshole. This means no McIntern at the meeting.

I get into TO - late, which means I miss the meeting all together. As i step off the bus at the station, the driver motions to me that it's ok to walk out, so I do...and this is when I almost got hit by a Greyhound bus.

I wanted to cry.

I make my way down the street and need to stop twice. My chest is burning with pain. I stop in front of Sick Kids and this woman smiles at me. I'm sitting on the bench with my O2 beside me and what does she do? She lights a cigarette which aptly blows in my direction. I wanted to smack her face off.

So i walk to TGH - mad, angry, sad, tired. I eat lunch which i don't have any appetite for. The time comes to go up to rehab so i spirits begin to elevate at the thought of McIntern.

Sometimes he's late and i expect that....i began to exercise and he wasn't there...but he did show up. When i dropped something on the floor I caught him for a brief second but not long enough to make eyecontact. I heard something about have to go down to the main floor...and alas, that was it...

There was no McIntern today. There was no McEye Contact; there was no McFlirt; there was no McNaughty....There was no McAnything.

I am le sad.

So to add to missing my bus, almost getting hit by a bus, having no appetite, not seeing McIntern, and everything else, ppl stared at me all day and my O2 tubing got caught on just about everything.

I hate today.

I fucking hate everything.

I hope Friday shapes up to be better.

I'm such a fucking idiot!





*kicks small children out of the way*

Ok let me begin. I woke up at 8 today...thinking, "Grand, I have time to catch the 8:55 bus" so i get ready, get dressed, do meds, make-up, hair, blah blah and am good to go. I filled my oxygen tank up and was on my way.

I drove to where i catch the bus, and i run up to the stop (running is a horrible idea i've discovered) and i looked up at the Greyhound sign. It read something like, "Pick up and drop off from 5:30am-8:30am, 5:30 pm" or something. I remembered I caught the bus last Wednesday at this spot after 8:30 for the 8:55 bus...

Or did I?

I unzipped my bag and whipped out my bus schedule. I couldn't turn it over fast enough to look at the morning schedule, but when I did, my fears had been confirmed....

There is no 8:55 bus. There is an 8am bus, and then a 9:55 bus, the one I usually catch down the street.

So I missed it.


Do you know what this means? It means that I have to catch the 9:55am bus which puts me in at TO at 11:25am...which means I will miss a good portion of the support group that McIntern goes to, which means less gawking and less time for leg touching and 'getting to know you/getting to know all about you' b/c i planned on being in there early b/c i had a feeling he would show up early too...

And my plans are now all but distroyed.

B/c I am a fucking idiot.

Regardless, I will stil go to the rest of the meeting (if i can make it on time). Hopefully he will talk to me afterwards. Maybe he won't even go today, which would be great, b/c it would mean that I didn't miss him or anything.


Cry with me people......Cry with me.

Day 15 of being listed

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I almost died today

I almost died today, when I ran up the stairs b/c i saw that my sister was back from her run and I knew it meant she would want to have a shower. Well I was planning on having my shower when I spotted her doing her 'cool down' outside on the sidewalk, so i turned the Monster on, ran up the stairs, threw my clothes off, ran into the bathroom, slammed the door, fell on to the floor, grabbed the rug with my hands, and began to die.

I huffed and I puffed and pain seared through my chest. I put my oxygen on as i shaked like i had brain problems, and I got no releif from the o2 flowing through the cannula. I felt delirious, delusional, like i was swimming through goo and I couldn't see or think straight. But I had to get into the shower so somehow, I got up and fell into the tub, and died in there as the water rained down on me and i had to begin catching my breath over and over again.

It took a good while for me to even beging to calm down. This short of breathness at this stage of lung disease is horrendous. It grips you till you feel like you're going to be physically sick, and it doesn't matter how much you huff and puff you can't reach a capacity to possibly calm yourself you ride with it and pray to god that you stay conscious and make it out. It's bizarrely euphoric. When you're this out of breath, you don't just feel it in your heart and lungs: you feel it in your feet, your hands, your arms and legs and fingers, your thighs, your brain, your everything. Everything shakes and everything suffers and it doesn't matter what you do, releif cannot be found.

It is moments like this that I want to remember: as horrible and as frightening as they are, they are sentiments to remind me that this is really bigger than I am, and that it has a lot more power than I can truely understand. Do not underestimate the inability to breathe, for just when you think you've come up with a solution to deceive it, it comes at you full force and knocks you down and knocks you out. It is painful and frightening, beautiful and ugly, enabling and crippling, and unexplainably horrible.

It is the worst pain you can feel - dull and explosive, and nothing can releive it. You just wait until it wants to leave..and sometimes that's the scariest of all.

Day 14 of being listed.

Monday, May 12, 2008

The Almost Encounter

Today I complained to McIntern about the snapping that occurs above my kneecap. He said that after I was done rehab he might have to look at it. Hearing this, i felt like an absolute genius to shaving my legs last night. Well, unfortunately he was busy after rehab and I didn't want to bother him so the contact will have to wait until Weds - which is ok, b/c I see him Weds in the morning AND the afternoon. Woo.

There were no Stupid New People today and no Stupid New Interns to be bothered with, but he kind of floated about which was ok. Sometimes it's ok that he's not with me the entire time b/c i find some exercises embarassing - like squatting and needing to stick your ass like you have to fart. He came and checked on me every so often and I made him laugh a whole, which felt great. He told me i should go a little faster on the treadmill b/c i didn't look like i was having issues, so when i bumped the number up one he bumped it up another, and i told him that when he comes back and checks my sats and sees that they're low, I'll know who to blame. And sure enough after 5 minutes when he came back they were low, and I pointed and said, "Look what you did" and he laughed and it was completely sexual.

I couldn't fall asleep lastnight and alas i am tired today. Plus my chest has felt tight all day. McIntern was up late as well, I found out, playing hockey with beer buddies which was why he was tired. I should have presented him with the option of us sneaking out and finding a room to 'rest' but that would have been a little obvious. At least there's Weds where he will have the chance to touch my leg - so we'll see.

I was sad to leave and not say good bye directly to him, but at the same i don't want to be completely obvious that i think he's incredibly hot so he'll have to wait till Weds to see me. I have a good feeling about this.

And that is all I am disclosing.

I wore my new shirt today. It was ok...but i'm worried it looks more like a maternity shirt than something sexy. Also, i think my deodorant is utter crap b/c i certainly reeked today and it was awful. Plus, the back of my arms look fat. Must deal with that appropriately and get deodorant that does its job. I hate when deodorant does the complete opposite and makes you smell like you crawled out of a swamp or that someone shat in your armpits. Ugh.

Wednesday it's supposed to be warm and I shall wear my new work out capri pants. And i will shave my legs tomorrow night no matter how little hair has grown back.

I must be prepared.

Day 13 of being listed!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I'll shave my legs just in case you touch them...

I shaved my legs today for tomorrow's rehab excursion...just in case McIntern for some reason has to touch and/or look at them and/or perform all of the above. It'd be pretty embarassing if i went to rehab and had hairy legs and he touched them can imagine the mortification i would feel if that occured.

There are countless reasons why McIntern would touch my legs: 1) i DO have an issue with my knee cap snapping at the top when i extend it. It happens to both actually and it's quite annoying and borderline painful. When it happens tomorow (b/c it always does) i'll point it out; 2) incase i pull a muscle somewhere. Why? I dunno really...why not?

So far those are the only two reasons why he would touch my legs....that and of course if he sees me doing something wrong with my legs and has to show me how to properly do it. That's acceptable. It's also more the reason to go to rehab and look better than everyone else.

Yesterday I went shopping. I bought 2 shirts that are perfectly acceptable to wear to rehab. I bought them with McIntern in mind but also for myself b/c they are comfy casual and stylish. I look forward to wearing them and showing them biggest fear is that this crush o' mine will get out of hand and McIntern will not like me back "in that way". How horrible would that be? I mean i'd get over it and have to accept it but craaaaaaaaaaaaaaap. I am trying to not think about it but i am aware that it is a possibility.

Today is Mothers Day. Happy Mothers' Day, mum. I should be down stairs with the fam jam but once again nana and papa are over (which is fine) but like always they're watching golf and it's pretty fricken boring. No alligators today on the golf course, and my papa has yet to refer to Zoey as a hermaphrodite.

So far the day is going well.

Also, I heard my aunt and uncle have 'like 10 frogs' in their pond at their place, so I plan on sending someone out there to capture one or two for me. I myself am a mother - even if it's not to any human babies. I have my cats, Heidi and Zoey, and I am also the greiving mother to my late amphibian son Howard who sadly lost his life in a tragic pond accident.

That's it for now. More shanannigans tomorrow. Promise.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Hot Intern Alert day 3: The Separation

Today McIntern and I were separated, all b/c some stupid new person came in and had to be shown the ropes of rehab which meant he was wrenched from my arms and thrown into the path of another. And I was sad.

I spent all day staring at McIntern...usually his back was facing me b/c he was teaching Stupid New Person, but that was ok, b/c it allowed me to stare at him and study his manly body. I was always in eye-shot of him which made me feel immense pleasure. McIntern always knew where I was in the room, and at one point, when I was finished dying at the treadmill after my 20 minutes was up, I saw him turn around bewildered, looking for me in the wilderness of the physio room, and I saw the ease meet his face when he spotted where I was....staring at him. It was ok though.

He came over a couple of times to check on me, but he had to return to Stupid New Person to show them what to do. And alas, there was no laughter from McIntern today b/c he wasn't with me - he always laughs when he's with me, and it's something I treasure deeply.

When I began the day on the bike, he came over to check on me, which was grand. My pulse krept up, my heart stopped, and I think i stopped breathing which was ok. He said the tension on my bike was too high which was why i felt like I was dying (when they asked me what my short-of-breathness felt like on the BORG scale (scale to measure short-of-breathness) i told them 'death' but they said they couldn't include death on the BORG scale so I had to settle on a number that was actually on it). McIntern came over, changed the tension to put my wee heart and lungs at ease, and we shared an intense moment of intimacy (staring and giggles) before he departed to the other side of the room to be with Stupid New Guy and Stupid New Intern who stole my yellow chart.

All day he looked over his shoulder to look at me. All i day I stared at him, and when I went to leave (bummed out that our day together had come to an end yet again) we talked a little before I left. I wanted to squeeze and take advantage of him, but i willed myself into paralysis so I wouldn't act on impulse. I told him about being trapped in a 3 hour traffic jam on Weds, and he laughed at everything I said and our eyes met....and then we took our clothes off and went into a separate room....

No. Wait we didn't. That was in my head.

Our eyes did meet and he laughed and he wanted to know where the traffic jam was. I told him a tractor trailer full of paper rolled over on the exit ramp going into my city, and he said he hopes that doesn't happen again today and he made sure I had enough O2 to get home with. I really wanted to say I'd have enough O2 with me if he came home with me, but alas that will be saved for the future.

I cannot wait until Monday.

Until then I am sad:(

Welp yesterday I had a respirology appt. I got prescribed iron (which made me mad), a just-in-case antibiotic (which made me mad just b/c) and another antibiotic that i have to take (which made me incredibly mad). This antibiotic has to be nebbed and it is called Tobi (Tobramycin for you ppl not in the know).

Tobi can cause voice loss, hearing loss, kidney failure, vision failure, and a whole lotta other fun stuff. The most common is voice loss (temporarily) which I can deal with - McIntern may even like that when he sees me on Monday. I can tell you now that it tastes like chemical poison and if anyone who hasn't been sick before ever got a hold of this, it tastes like something you probably shouldn't be ingesting. Honestly, it tastes like distilled tequila with bad stuff in it. Oh yeah, and it was $3600. Yup. Thank god for health insurance or else I woulda left this.

Everyone teslls me it makes you cough. Well so far nothing. Not a cough, not a drop, not a nuffin. We'll have to see. My doc felt I had an infection that could not be treated with oral meds (pills) so I am taking this.

Oh well.

That's all for now. I have to finish taking this crap and I am nursing my saddened spirit over not spending enough time with McIntern today...

If only we could have touched.....*le sigh*

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hot intern alert

Holy fuck people; I don't know if this is allowed but I have a hot intern...he's like a brown Josh Groban and completely sexy and completely young and he definately touched my wrist the other day. He was searching for my pulse but he couldn't find it (probably b/c he killed me inside) and he had to show me the ropes at rehab and follow me around and watch as i do my exercises. I'd feel sexier if i didn't have oxygen strapped to my face every fucking second - but crap, damn, he's hot! *falls over*

I really look forward to these rehab excursions so i can see him, and i won't lie i think he enjoys me. He does laugh at what i say, like today when I was on the bike (which is not crotch friendly btw) and he said that the bike shouldn't have tension for my b/c on Monday it did and there were about 7 minutes when i was huffing and puffing and my sats were in the mid 80's and my heart rate was up to 150. He said, "We don't want what happened Monday to happen again.." and i said, "Like when I almost died?" and he looked at me and laughed and it was completely gorgeous and i could have spanked him - but that's sexual harassment so i have to refrain and keep my hands to myself.

My friend told me to "do it!" and followed it by saying, "just so you know that was peer pressure" but I choose to view it as support. Spanking isn't right so I will have to wait and come up with a more less obvious way to get his attention and lure it away from my nasty oxygen strapped to my goddamn face dealio.

Oh interns......mmmmmmmmmm *smile*

Needless to say having a hottie biscottie at rehab definately motivates me go and do my best and look hot. And when i work out too hard I know who's arms I can faint in..................:)

What else? I went to a support group. It was good. It took 3 hours to get home tonight b/c some fucking tractor trailer thing just had to roll over on the highway and back traffic up all the way to hell. That was a pain in the ass - literally. Luckily I ate a sub before i got to the bus depot so my belly was stocked up on food to sustain me on the long ride home. Actually, I think i fell asleep at some point and started making weird noises with my mouth wide open, b/c when i woke up the woman sitting beside me was gawking at me with an incredibly offended look on her face.

I don't think I was having a sex dream or anything like that so lord knows what made her so shocked. Oh well.

What else have I been doing? Nothing really. That's about all. I've made some friends at TGH which is awesome possum. Since i posted the link to the Trillium Gift of Life Network site 3 people have been transplanted, so now 51 people are waiting for lungs.


Ok i'm off to dream of McIntern.....mmmmmm

Day 8 of being listed!

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Crazy week ahead


Monday: Rehab @ TGH
Tues: Nothing
Weds: Pre-tx support group meeting at TGH, clinic?, rehab @ TGH
Thurs: Respirologist appt, nothing
Fri: Rehab at TGH
Sat: Go crazy

For the most part I am excited for this week. I am dreading Weds b/c in all honesty i DO NOT KNOW if i am supposed to go to clinic or not. I know it's been mentioned, but i simply do not know if i am to go or if someone will tell me that I have to go. If i have to go, where do i go? Who do I see? Maybe I should just go crazy? Maybe the world will explode. Who knows..?

Lastnight i had a dream that my pager went off. I also had a dream that my sister and her friend stole my desk and plotted to put it together in her room behind her bed so i wouldn't see, but I found it and called them out. I pleaded for them to give me my desk back, b/c i'd have nowhere to put my computer, and in the process my mum stole some stuff from my room and mounted garbage to the wall. I screamed that i needed a lung tx and yelled to the point that I lost my voice. They told me to be quiet or else someone might hear me.

Then, my pond in the backyard turned into a massive stream and I was in a small dingy boat floating around when i saw a frog on a lillypad. Upon closer inspection it was not a frog but a baby pig, doing summersaults under a leaf - and there were two of 'em.

I'm serious. This was my actual dream. It was not an acid trip.

Irregardless of all this mental-ness, i managed to sleep a solid 10 hours. And i'm still tired but what else is new. So yeah, tomorrow I need to haul ass and catch the 9:55 bus to TO. I will try to take some pics when i'm there. We drive by the CN Tower so we'll see what I can come up with.

Someone told me that I should make a list of things i want to do after tx, so I guess now is the perfect opportunity to do it:

1) LAUGH. Laugh out loud and laugh hard until my stomach hurts. Not have my stomach hurt b/c i've been coughing.
2) Dance again
3) Go camping
4) Go out with friends and dance the night away - not be the DD b/c i don't want to take a cab home b/c walking there isn't worth it
5) Run - maybe
6) Apply for my MA and maybe even get it?
8) GO TO THE BEACH AND SPEND ALL DAY IN THE WATER AND UTTERLY EXHAUST MYSELF. Not tire myself out b/c my lungs hate me; tire myself out b/c i CAN:)
9) Be active - go hiking?
10) Star in a monster movie - be among the ppl who spend the entire movie running away (like cloverfield)
11) BREATHE - b/c i caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!:)

And that's my list for now.

Day 5 of being listed!!!

Friday, May 2, 2008

Pulmonary Rehab = Finished...for now

So yeah, pulmonary rehab has come to an end for now. I admit I'm sad; i really love the people I have met these last 5 weeks (can you beleive i've been going for 5 weeks?!), and I can honestly say that I regret claiming earlier on that I was the only non-member of the "Wrinkle Society" b/c these people aren't wrinkly; they're my friends. Though I'm easily 20 years younger than the 'youngest' old person of the group, we've formed bonds that truely make me consider these people among my true friends.

Today when Shirley finished her workout (she's in her late 50's and has pulmonary fibrosis) she wished me luck and said she'll miss me. I told her I would miss her too and jokingly asked who would help dress her after they go swimming on Monday? Shirley always has trouble doing her bra up after we go swimming (from being wet) so i always have to do it up for her; and yeah even tho it's kinda weird, it's funny. Joy gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and i gave her my email and she said'd write to say how things are. Regardless, i go back to this rehab place in June once my thrice weekly physio days at TGH are done and I only have to go there once a week and can transfer 2 days back to this place. I am also going to go to the Farewell party in two weeks. Everyone wished me luck as I went and I met one last time with the social worker (everyone has to) and she said i'd make a great social worker myself one day which I thought was nice. She told me she was proud that I advocated for myself and got listed, and I said I knew all along that I was ready to be listed for this tx despite all the docs saying it was ' a little early', b/c low and behold, the surgeon himself told me i was doing it at the perfect time!

My week has been busy. Not only have I had rehab in another city everyday, I've also had appts in my own city and other cities as well. I went to TGH on Tues; yesterday I had a dentist appt in my city at 9, and an appt with my immunologist at 11am in the same city as i go to rehab in, and then i had to zip over to rehab for 1 o'clock. My immunologist told me he felt bad that he doesn't do more for me but I told him it's ok; he prescribes my IV meds to me and that's doing plenty! I told him i'd get the docs at TGH to send him medical updates so he can feel more useful if that offers anything.

Today I had to go for Gamma at 9 am (which turned into me arriving at 10:30am b/c i'm lazy) and the clinic was freezing and empty. I was the only one. I lucked in today and only had 1 poke - yay! The whole appt consisted of me listening to screaming down the hall as Arlene administered RSV shots to children. I always knew when she was 'working' b/c screaming would start up. She said she's popular with the kids. All the nurses were happy to hear that I was listed and when I left I got hugs in case I get the call from now until my next appt. I told them not to worry and that they'd be one of the first people I instruct my family to call when my call comes.

That's really about it for now...and for today. If i remember more (usually when i post this) i'll update.

Day 3 of being listed!