Friday, September 28, 2007
Several things are of concern to those of us who are respirologically challenged when Sick Season rolls around - or maybe it's people in general.
First: Cough into your sleeve; not your hand.
Second: Wash your hands as much as possible, please and thank you.
Third: When you blow your nose, THROW YOUR KLEENEX'S OUT! Don't throw them lovingly on the counter, or toss them laughingly away to the side, or cram them into your pocket and squish the germs around.
Last but not least: SHOWER. One thing about sick people, that sick people themsevles never seem to pick up on, is the fact that they smell. They don't just smell; they reek. Yeah, it's pretty true. And it's pretty fucken awful. It's pretty fucking awful when these sick people open up their mouths to speak to you, breath on on you in the process, and their breath smells like death. Like some horrible emission from the Ghastly Depth of Infection. It's not nice, it's not pleasant, it's not funny.
I guess bottom line, SICK PEOPLE, try your best and stay home. Or at least make an attempt to stay healthy so you don't get everyone else sick.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Once again i have started off with a cheer. What is wrong with me? Well, i had my first class at 10am today only to finished and head to my next one to discover it is cancelled. Now, i could have easily discovered that this moring had my java applications been working properly, but no it didn't and alas i went to my anthro class, breathlessness and all to see it's cancelled.
Why is it cancelled you ask? B/c my prof lost her voice, that's frigging why. So i came to the libs and got a pop, which so kindly errupted all over the floor infront of the elevators, and made my hands all sticky. As a result, the table i am working on has gotten sticky and now the keyboard. Sorry fuck who gets here next!
Anywho, there are some things about my consult i never mentioned. Firstly, i had to bring recent chest x-rays on either a CD or a film. The place i got them done at are apparently ghetto and they gave me the films. When i presented them to my doctors the other day, the look on their faces wasn't happiness at my compliance but rather they looked stunned and offended that I would even offer them X-RAY FILMS. As a result, the resident had to go off and find a box to look at them on. To make it better, they GAVE THE X-RAYS back to me. For keeps. Forever and ever and ever.
I couldn't fall asleep lastnight. Finally dozed off at 2am, woke up for class at 8am. I had a really good dream that i got my lung transplant. Seriously. And it wasn't scary and it wasn't horrible either. I am just upset i only slept for 6 hours. Usually i fall asleep in my 11:30 anthro class but alas today I did not have to. I can sit here for another 50 minutes pretty much until my next class, and then i again have another class. Boo.
Anyways this is boring. TTFN!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Hip hip horray!
Hip hip horray!
Ok now that that is over I shall get on to today's events. I woke up late, tired as hell. Blah blah blah. We left for TO at 10:30 coz the 401 may be bunged up. I was nervous/scared. We get into the car and speed out of the driveway like mad people and guess what song was playing on the radio when we turned the car on? "I sometimes wanna die"
Yeah, it made me feel really bad.
Anywho fast forward to 1pm. I have my PFTs. They were uneventful. My results showed me functioning overall at 29% - last ones were 27% but thats not a difference at all ( it could be b/c of the machine too). I had my 6 minute walk. Resting sats were 88% and walking sats (without oxygen) were 81%. It was funny b/c my lungs are so bad now that when you breathe out to your full capacity, they usually scream "keep blowing keep blowing keep blowing keep blowing!" but instead today the woman said, "keep coughing keep coughing keep coughing keep coughing!" It made me laugh.
I was lucky enough to have an audience watch my walk test, as the intern doctors (or Eager Beavers as i call them) all watched and pointed at me as my numbers flucuated on the machine. I could hear the machine beeping as i de-satted and i started laughing b/c no matter where i am in a hosp, when i hear that specific beep i know it means someone has low blood oxygen. It's usually me. When i walked by the doc and asked, "is that me?" (half laughing) she yells, "DON'T WORRY KEEP WALKING!" and i wanted to scratch her. I wanted to scratch all the interns too. It made me think of Christina on Grey's Anatomy in the promo's when she sees the new interns and says, "I want to cut their heads off; i hate them already."
What next? Yes yes, the appt with the doctor. My first thought when i saw him was "He looks like Eric Clapton" and secondly, he's very nice! They went over my medical history and blah blah and finally he came in and we discussed even more me-ness. He said i asked great questions and really seemed to know my stuff. He said i make a great candidate and we are going to go ahead AND EVALUATE ME!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Lift your skirts up and spread your confetti!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO!!!! So excited!
He said it MAY be too early to list me BUT considering the fact that I am small and have B blood, it COULD work against me if i wait so i think when i get evaluated they may go ahead and list me anyways! I AM SO EXCITED! We left the hosp in good spirits and this time as we sped out of the parking lot like mad people, "Bring Me to Life" was playing on the radio. I am SO happy with how this appt went!
BEFORE I GO i have to thank people: firstly, my FRIENDS Krstyal, Katey, Tara for giving me physical support all the time and letting me bitch and stuff and never shut up. I love you all more than anything and I am so thankful to each and everyone of you! Your thoughts and prayers have been felt by me and if my arms were big enough i would hug you all at once and squeeze you all until you melted into a pile of goo.
Secondly, my OTHER friends, the ones who have been through this themselves or just in general 'aren't right'. Lindsay, Rosie, Caitlin,Grant, Risa, BreathinSteven, Blake, Kayla, Graves and all my other lung buddies @ the CF board - your support and stories have meant so much to me, and i have literally felt every prayer and thought you have said and sent my way. If only i could repay the favour face to face i would, but somhow we would all end up getting eachother sick or something so for now an e-hug will have to do.
So yeah...tell your organs that they've been good to you, and that when you don't need them anymore, ask them to be good to someone else...That is all for now. THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Monday, September 24, 2007
Holy freaking batman Christmas - my consult is tomorrow! I am excited, scared and nervous to say the very most. Actually I am refraining from saying too much b/c sometimes my mouth gets my into trouble and find that i need to bend over and kick myself in the ass.
I don't even think I would ever thank mass quantities of homework for keeping me busy but maybe I should. Today i swam in a sea of papers in a textbook about the History of South America. Interesting, but a lot of shit to sift through. I still have 3 chapters to read in my first morning course but 3 of my 4 courses are finished (for last weeks work - havent started this weeks!). I love university but sometimes i want to strangle it.
I am hoping i will sleep tonight but i most likely won't. I always have sleep issues before stuff happens. The last 2 nights i have slept the whole night (like a new born!) and i have slept 10 and a half hours. Maybe reading some more tonight will help make me doze off....
Anywho, i am going to go and will update you on tomorrow's events. SEND LUCK AND PRAYERS AND EVERYTHING!!! THANX BUNCHES!
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I remember i was still in the hospital with my newly aquired chest infection, that had been raging for months but had gone undiagnosed up until now. I was so sick i couldn't walk from my bed to the bathroom which was bout 2 feet away from the other. I must have been only a few days in b/c i don't think i had my surgery yet. I was so tired. I was tired, and angry, and I wanted to go home. After a few days they let me take a shower. I remember i locked myself in the room while my mum waited outside. I will always remember this shower.
After about 10 minutes my mum knocked on the door. "Are you ok?" she wondered. "Yes." i replied back. I remember I was so tired that i was sitting on the bathtub floor while the shower overhead continued running. To make this even more special i couldn't get my one arm wet and had it in a plastic medical bag to prevent my IV from becoming botched. I will never forget the feeling of saddness and pain i felt as I sat on that bathtub floor. I felt like my life was over.
Fast forward to tonight, Sept 20, 2007.
I hadn't showered all day. I have been doing homework like a good student and wanted to reward myself at the end of the day. Well tonight so far 2 ppl had had showers and i know my mum would want to be the 3rd when she got home from golf. But being me, i completely forgot. So here i was, doing hw when my dad strolls into my room to inform me my mother was home.
FUCK. I knew she'd want a shower so i swear to god, i moved as fast as any respirologically challenged person could, and i flew to the bathroom, wiped off my bathing suit and shorts from tanning today (it was 30 today!) and got everything ready. I stepped into the shower and all of a sudden exhaustion flooded over me. I was panting and suffocating b/c i was too consumed with victory that I didn't use my oxygen, and I was so caught up in beating my mum to the shower i had exhausted myself in the process, and alas, there i sat, showering on the bathtub floor.
I have not done this since that night at the hospital. It kind of brought a smile to my face b/c even tho it is slightly pathetic it IS kind of funny.
Maybe I am just a complete weirdo.
TRANSPLANT CONSULT IN 6 DAYS WOOT!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Old people live in it. They are both very nice and we talk to them all the time. When they go away in the summer (which is quite frequently) they ask me to take care of their cat when they are away and I do. Everyday (if i remember) I go over to feed her. She is a beautiful tourtise shell covered cat with the softest fur you will probably ever feel. She has striking green eyes but she cries a lot when her mummy and daddy go away. You have you be careful about how close you get to her or else she will swat you. Her name is Mia (Mee-a).
Mia likes to go outside, but unfortunately for her when her parents vacate I don't let her go out b/c once she disappeared behind a shed for a day or two. Needless to say I open their back door and only pull the screen across for her so that is the closest she gets to going outside. By me doing this to her, she repays me by hiding in the basement and not coming upstairs to greet me. That's ok b/c it makes my visit shorter so I don't have to spend hours over there playing with her to make her feel less lonely.
This is when it gets scary. *insert "Halloween" theme music here*
Yesterday I went over at about 7pm to feed her supper. When i stepped inside I noticed she wasn't waiting on the usual couch for me so i assumed she must be in the basement. I walked over to the stairs and called "Miiiiiia! Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaa!" and heard nothing. It was then when i turned around that i noticed, that the guest room door behind me was closed and a light was on behind it.
My eyes bugged open and panic set in. I contemplated walking up and opening the door to see if the sun was causing this, but i refrained. What if someone was inside waiting to kill me and chop me up?! Could someone be in the house waiting for me? I looked into their laundry room and saw that the door leading into the garage was unlocked. Even more fear set it. I rushed into the kitchen, fed the cat as fast as I could, and got the fuck out of there.
Today, I went over to feed her breakfast, the feeling of fear and dread fresh in my soul. I stepped in their house and again Mia was MIA. I walked over to the basement stairs and called her to let her know it was time for breakfast. Again, the light behind the door was on, and i knew it wasn't the sun b/c the sun was at the back of the house at the time. Again, i fed the cat as soon as i could and got the fuck out of there.
Tonight came the horror. I went over to feed Mia who again was in the basement. Instead of going to the stairs and calling her, i fed her first, then went to the stairs and called her. When I was done, i turned towards the door and the light was on. I began hearing the Halloween theme song in my head - seriously. I took a 'deep' breath in, gathered up my ovaries and opened the door.....
My heart stopped.Starring back at me were probably 10-12 porcelain dolls on a bed against a wall, lined up one right after the other. Just staring, some smiling, some old with age. The light in the room was on except the switch was off. Needless to say that alone was enough to scare the shit out of me and i booked it so fast i thought my lungs would explode. I have had a fear of porcelain dolls every since i had a dream about one when i was a kid, and ever since i saw the movie 'dolls'.
Needless to say, don't go snopping around your neighbours houses b/c you might just have the shit scared out of you!
Friday, September 14, 2007
Today's entry is brought to you by crap. Everything is crap - not as in useless crap - but crap as in "this sucks" kind of crap.
You may be wondering why there is a picture of my cats? Well, i dunno why, i felt like posting a picture of them together b/c i just love them that much. Heidi is the one with her eyes open, and Zoey has her eyes shut b/c she doesn't like looking into the camera for fear that her soul will be stolen.
It feels like everyone i talk to is doing stuff besides school - they work, they volunteer, or they go out and have fun AND go to class. Me? I sit on my bum and scratch it. I go to school twice a week b/c my classes all fall on Tues and Thurs, so on those two days, i have 4 classes. I dropped my night class b/c it was a complete bore. But when i hear about my friends volunteering and doing work for this and that organization, I can't help but feel that they are going somewhere in life and I am just living at home with mummy and daddy until i get better. I certainly hope that once i am healthy I get my energy and drive back and will want to do stuff, coz right now I don't really want to leave the house if i don't have it. I feel like I am mentally capable of so much but physically capable of so little. I feel like a snail, or a clam, or a lobster. I have a thick shell with stuff that wants to get out and do things but there is a major wall in my way.
I hope that i will actually go somewhere in life after this is done - but i guess it is only natural to have moments like this where you question yourself.
Oh rationalization, please come back...
Happy birthday mum!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
What is going on with moi? My RT Cynthia stopped by today to see how all my equiptment was. It's fine. I had my night class, which i left early b/c i plan on dropping it. It was honestly so boring i think at some point my skeletal and neurological self jumped out of my body and waited in the hall. My outer shell - the rest of me, sat in a chair in the back row and stared while drawing little stars on the bottom of the handout page. I have had this prof before, and while she is nice and seems like a really nice person, she is a complete and utter bore to listen to. There were a lot of people there who i didn't recognize, meaning they have not had her before and they were the ones acting like eager beavers and writing down her every word.
The rest of us sinful fucks sat there with scowls on our faces and waited for the best possible moment to get up and leave. I know that next week these eager beaver students simply won't give a shit and will have no desire to write anything down. This course is not mandatory for my major and is way too much course work to simply take for 'leisure' purposes. On that alone, i have decided to drop it b/c health wise, i won't be able to keep up - i just know it.
Other than that things are well. Tomorrow is my last day of classes for the week so that is nice! Once i drop this class i will only have 2 days worth which is enough!
Before i leave i must comment that my pic is from this past Saturday, Krystals birthday! From right to left are moi, Krystal, our new aquired friend Malorie, Katey, and Jenna! WOOT!Goodnight, all!
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Ok so it's not too bad just yet. I have had 3 of my 4 classes today and so far so good. This entry cannot be long as I am writing from the libs on campus and have to meet Katey at 2:30. I am sorry but i cannot allot my time properly between the both of you.
First things first: I GOT MY NEW BUS PASS. Yippee.
Secondly; the doctors appt yesterday: Grand, wonderful, specacular, marvelous, amazing. My doc said my bone scan showed me to be NORMAL, the results from my last sputum samples were NORMAL, and the results from the sleep lab were NORMAL. As well, she told me she went to a transplant convention type thingy in TO and mentioned me (moi? wow i'm honoured!) and the docs there said considering my case (what with no immunity and all) I should have a very successful transplant and post transplant life! Generally, my doctor seems really excited so that makes me happy! Who knew new organs made people happy but they do i tell you!
BUT - she said when i go for my consult in 15 days, despite being an 'excellent candidate' they MAY tell me i am TOO HEALTHY, which i honestly hope isn't the case. I have heard of people with higher PFTs and FEV1s than me(the amount of air you can forcefully breathe out in 1 second) and they got listed! I feel passionately that i DO get listed b/c all this walking around campus shit today has me winded.
AND YES I WORE MY O2 TO SCHOOL AND ON THE BUS!!!!!!! Can i get some applause please and thank you? THANK YOU!!!! I know, i am happy but it is definately different. People don't really look at you - but at the same time who knows if they have noticed at all anyway?
Oh school....i hate to say it but i am glad to be back.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
The set, on the other hand, was good and sparkley. Performance? A little shoddy. Man when i was a kid this award show was worth staying up for! Now, it's all crap! Oh well......
What else? I cannot see any pictures I have posted on this blog, let alone post them. For some reason posting pics is not working either. Annoying, confusing, frustrating, strangle-worthy to say the least. I hope it sorts itself out! I wanna post pics of stuff damnitt!
That's all for now i'm afraid. I have my appt with my respirologist tomorrow and will update as soon as i get home - or when i feel it - which ever i feel is the best option. This is all for now, unless something bizzare and scandalous happens on the MTV Awards and i'll be back as soon as i can!
Happy birthday dad and Jenna!
Saturday, September 8, 2007
My new neb cups!
2 of my Oxygen tanks sitting neatly in a popcorn bin
Friday, September 7, 2007
Well lets start with another list:
1) Parking at the hosp. was FREE today! FREE I TELL YOU! Did you see that? I'm sorry i don't think you did so i shall announce it again: FREE! Parking is usually $7! REDICULOUS! Angels sang today when i made this discovery.
2) It took ONE, yes ONE, poke and the IV went in! Usually it's 3 tries and then blood return commences. But nope, we found a new vein which worked just spenldid and did its job. An hour and 15 minutes later i was freed back into the world.
3) My nebulizer was FREE. Last time I got it, it was $30. I came heavily armed with a debit card but alas the sweet man at ProResp informed me my neb was free. He whispered it with such urgency that after i protested and asked if he was sure, a small portion of me couldn't help but feel like i was stealing.
Yes people, the sky opened up and the angels looked down at me today and luck was sent in my direction via an imaginary escalator. Wow. Not only that but it was incredibly hot and windy ( i love wind storms) so it was just miraculous.
Now i shall post some pics LATER when my connection is better!
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Tomorrow is a busy day for moi. Let me start by announcing what i need to do:
1) Go for gamma infusion
2) Pick up new vial of HTS
3) Pay visit to RT
4) Pick up new nebulizer while at RTs office and;
5) Inquire about getting a new O2 'thingy'.
You are probably wondering what i mean by O2 'thingy' and I am quite curious myself. This 'thingy' goes at the top of the other 'thingy' on the oxygen tank (the silver part much like the needle at the top of the CN Tower). This 'thingy' attaches to another 'thingy', and this 'other thingy' is the one i want replaced. The second 'thingy' is how you turn the O2 on. Well, mine is pretty medeval and weighs a ton which accounts for half the wait of my bag when i haul it around. I have seen pics of new 'thingys' and will inquire about this tomorrow. I would love to get a new 'thingy' to replace the old 'thingy' as it would make my life much easier, modern, and quite frankly, lighter. If my wish is granted and i am lucky enough to receive a new 'thingy', i will grace you all and post a picture of it.
What else what else what else? The other night i had the 'pleasure' of helping my dad haul a water heater down to the basement, after we were lucky enough to have ours burst in the middle of the night. I was the only one home (my sister was but she doesn't really help much sometimes) and i hate the thought of my dad struggling to move this monster by himself, so i offered to help.
Holy heaviness to say the least. I was under the impression that this water heater would just be the plastic shell - not the whole thing! But once again i proved myself wrong and it was actually the whole thing! I saw my life flash before my eyes when i had a vision of the water heater collapsing on my chest and crushing me underneath. Alas, that did not happen and the only injuries i sustained was having my hand squished against the wall when i helped move it down the stairs. I was very out of breathe and thought my chest would explode but that didn't not happen...though i kind of wish it did as it would have releived a lot of pressure!
Anywho, that's all for now. I am off and will update tomorrow about my numerous appts....
Wait. Before i go, i must send another msg to Rosie. Rosie was pretty much abused by her doctor the other day when they struggled and fought to find a vien in her weak little arms. Eventually when they found one, they left quite the mess. I have seen photographic evidence and she's got about a 10 inch long bruise on her arm from the ordeal(s) and a nice red splotch where the IV needle went in. One time, when my nurse Arlene came back from being on leave from Carpel Tunnel surgery, i had the pleasure of being her 'first' IV post-surgery.
I will never forget the smile on her face as she grabbed the IV needle and pointed it towards my arm and proclaimed, "You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little shakey today...."
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
It's not that i'm socially unaccepting, I'm not (unless it's PDA or people having outright sex then no - that's disgusting), but for myself, i can't accept one fact. It's the same fucking fact that bothers the absolute shit out of me and always bothers me: i need o2 in public.
I had to go to campus today for an appt and i also wanted to scope out text books early before the little bastards got their contaminated hands on them. I had my o2 packed in my humungous bag and i wrestled my way through the jungle of first years. I parked as close as i could (parking is free first week people!) and i hadn't walked 10 ft before i began to get SOB. Shit, I thought. I slowed down. Put it on, put it on, put it on! rational thought said. No! my superficial mind screamed. Never! I felt like a schizophrenic arguing with myself. Alas, superficiality won and i spent a good hour suffering and wanting to fall to the ground and die. I thought i would suffocated. I felt like i was being strangled, but i'm too much of a moron to give in to this fucking thing. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
You'd think i would have had more of an issue with the fact that i have a humungous disgusting zit on my chin, and that that would be enough to keep me in. But alas it was not and i completely forgot about it until i looked in the mirror after i returned from campus. Oh well. What can you do about that, eh?
I will forever wrestle with this stupid issue. Until it gets colder and coats are in at least. Once it's colder i don't think it will be such a monstrous issue to me the way it is now. At least then i can hide the tubing in my coat, right? Yes, i've thought of it that much. I am so bothered by this, i think, b/c wearing O2 in public will be like officially annoucing that i am sick and need a lung transplant, and even though i don't look sick, deep down inside, in the muckiness and scarredness and hardened bits of my lungs, me myself and I, are sick.
I now bend over and whoever wants to kick me in the ass can. But please, kick some common sense with it too, please!
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Either way, i am back. For those of you who missed me, no, i did not fall and get run over by a bus, or mysteriously sink into the ground and disappear. I have actually been here at home pondering what to write about. Nothing has happened really. I ran out of Zithro on Friday (and didn't know it) only to discover last night when i was supposed to take it that i had no refills. Oh well.
Howard is still in the pond. Next to Howard the Frog, we have Chippy, yup you guessed it: HE'S A CHIPMUNK! He's got a fat little head that he stuffs with nuts, and his head looks disporportionately bigger than his body and his tail is pretty much a stump. He lives under a rock beside our pond and pretty much has dug himself a home. That little bastard.
Currently I sit here, listening to Dick in a Box and talking to Rosie. Rosie is 1 year, 2 months and 3 days post transplant. She has a chest infection from going on vacation and told me her function has 'dropped' to 90%.
90%. Yes. Meanwhile i sit here at 27%. Something is wrong but oh well. I hope Rosie gets better and bounces up and beyond 100% in no time. I can't wait to be 90% one day!
What else? School starts in a week. I have an appt tomorrow at school to meet with the CSD councellor and will look into purchasing my mass amounts of textbooks. Blah.
Back to school. Back to school. What can I say? The leaves are beginning to change too. Who knew it would happen so fast? Halloween stuff is already up in the stores!