6 months, 2 days, 1 assessment later!

Welp, 2 days ago i reached the 6 months mark!!!!!! I didn't really celebrate in any way, shape or form, but just the simple fact that i can move w/o having the breath sucked out of me was kind of enough!

Yesterday was my 6 months assessment, which had me getting bloods done, xrays, ct scan, pfts with blood gas (which failed when my artery decided to have a spaz when the big huge needle was in it), and finally clinic. Clinic was fab! PFTs are steady at 72%, all my blood work is completely normal, and best of all: I DON'T NEED TO GO BACK UNTIL MY 9 MONTHS ASSESSMENT AND CAN NOW GET MY PFTS AND BLOOD DONE LOCALLY ONCE A MONTH INSTEAD OF EVERY TWO WEEKS!

HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*throws confetti*

I also met with some very fabulous people, Thara and Jason! We were gonna go visit Amy but she is still in ICU (steady and recovering, although a little slow but that's ok!) so we couldn't. However, I'm thinking of visiting her next week after my bronch so i hope it works out! i have lots of bring her! :) Meeting with Thara and Jason was great, it was nice to finally talk to them in person as opposed to always on Facebook and whatnot.

Mentally, I have been feeling better. I was worried I was depressed but realized that these feelings only come when i choose to isolate myself and not get up and actively do things, b/c when i'm occupied, I am totally fine. It's when i sit on my ass and have nothing to do but think that my mind starts to get to me, because you tend to over think. I used to think that I would always hate being busy (hate being busy pre-tx because it took all my energy), but after yetserdays long (though exhausting - the good kind of exhausting) day, i felt WONDERFUL! So i'm realizing, i HAVE to keep myself occupied like a normal person instead of sitting and dwelling. Sure, we all have those days, but in order for myself to be happier, i need to keep busy and that's ok...there will always be 'me time'.

So this is what i've done today:
- 2 loads of laundry
- took in prescriptions
- picked up prescriptions
- paid a parking ticket (don't tell my dad)
- got the mail (no mail-ables from Alex yet, boo, quel dommage)
- posted an online discussion for school
- looked at school shit
- garbage b/c it's garbage night
- will look into making supper
- got tea
- blogged
- will make another tea to keep me functioning
- will see the boyfriend tonight
- applied for jobs

So, i've managed to keep myself busy. I am happier when I am out doing stuff, and seeing as today was relatively warm for a February's day, it was good! I hauled ass, walked dowtown to pay the unmentionable parking ticket, walked to get the mail ... so all is good!! And now it is almost 4pm and the day is coming to a close! HURRAY!

I'm pretty sure i had other shit to write about but i can't quite remember. But that's ok.

So yes, sometimes you have to force yourself to do things but you always end up feeling better afterwards! YAY!:)

HAPPY 6 MONTHS TO ME!

And to keep my going i remind myself that in one month it will be SPRING TIME and the next time I'm at TGH (which i miss, sadly), it will be MAY! YAY!!!!!

Post-tx life is like...

a breakup.

They say that when it comes to a break up, that it takes roughly half the length of time that you dated the person to fully get over them. So if you dated for 4 years, it would take about 2 years to get over them.

Compredre? Good.

I'm choosing to view post-tx life in the same way, b/c to be honest, I'm having trouble coming to terms with being 'normal'. I spent so much time being busy dying, that I failed to ever register what it truely means to be normal. So the way i see it, I spent 2 years dying, maybe it will take me a full year to be normal. Initially, I was going to say that since I was on the list for 15 months, it would take me about 7.5 months to feel normal, but to be honest, that's coming up and i'm probably feeling the least normal that one could possibly feel. So i'm gonna go with, "well, I was busy dying for 2 years, so it's going to take an additional year for me to come to terms with being normal and not dying. So yeah....fuck you" kinda sentiment.

I think that's very good.

I always knew that post-tx i would struggle mentally, just coming to terms with a new way of life. If you've never spent a significant portion of your life dying, then you won't understand that it really does consume you heart and soul. You spend all your time preserving energy, and not doing anything, and becoming accustomed to not doing anything, that once you're able to, you don't really know how to function and go about doing normal things. So you sit, and you get bored, and you think about the fact that you're a total loser b/c you can't come to terms with yor new life, and you see everyone around you doing normal people things, like working (good jobs too) and going to school, and balancing it all, that you sit and wonder, 'how the fuck do i do that? how can i do what they do?' and then i realized, 'idiot, you just had an effing transplant 5-6 months ago: IT TAKES TIME!'

I constantly need to remind myself of this fact. I seem to think that I need to be moving at lightning speed and be up to par with everyone, and to be honest, half the time, I don't have the energy to. I know a huge portion is the medication, another portion is the weather (winter sucks and needs to die), and all that. My issue is getting motivated to do stuff...b/c once i do stuff i feel fine...it's just getting started. I'm enjoying school a bit more so that's good. This week was horrible: had no motivation, wanted to be eaten and lost in the couch or my bed and not move...i felt like a sloth embedded and encrusted in mud. I beleive i even resorted to sitting on the floor in the shower one day b/c I just couldn't bring myself to stand any longer.

I got my monthly IV today and i feel tons better, and I know that's another reason for feeling sloth-like. Used my port and it worked fab! Got a pic of it accessed and will post it, as well I will get another pic of my fingers to showcase how they are healing. It looks like soft, incredibly vulnerable baby skin. And it's wrinkly. But back to my IV, i'm gonna ask at my assessment on Monday if it would be ok for me to get my IV every 3 weeks instead of 4 to see if that helps? The week that i go for my IV i just feel like a total zombie and it sucks. I hate feeling like this, so I will ask!

Um what else? Also responsible for restoring me from being a zombie to being a human again, as always, is tea. Tho, i've had 3 teas from Tims today (from the hosp) and they all tasted like utter crap which is extremely upsetting to me. I like English breakfast and quite frankly, either the chick at Tims has something against me, or someone snuck in some cinnemon-like product into my tea and blatently ruined it. I dunno who or what it is, but it just tastes awful and I do not like them. I came home and made a tea and it's a little bit meh-ish, so i'll have to brew a 5th and see how it is. Megs mentioned in her blog (giving me an honourable mention, thanks darling) that she herself is addited to tea, and finds that she can fully function with about 6 teas in her system. Full credit goes to me of course. I'm somewhat responsible for this addiction. I said 6 teas a day is understandable, as it restores vitality, sanity, and is potentially life-saving. My friend Robert says that society should be thankful that he consumes 6 teas a day as it makes him approachable and is more or less an act of public service.

Either that or have a Scottish Breakfast or Irish breakfast.

I think that's it for today my children. I had a dream about Karyn the other night. It's been a long time since i've had a visit from her and it was nice. She was in the hospital (her hair had grown back too, really long), and she was in a wheelchair/gurney. She was going in for brain surgery but she knew she was dying/going to die. Either way, she was sooooooooo happy (it stood out so clearly). She was telling me stuff about being in the hospital but i don't remember it now. I leaned down and hugged her and she hugged me back and smiled, and as we hugged she said 'I love you' and i said it back, and then I woke up.

It was nice. Thanks K, it's been a while.

So that concludes today's lesson. TGIF!

Happy

I've decided its time for a happy background to brighten things up so here it is!!!

Went to the docs today to get the fingers looked at and they're fine, although they look grotesque. They've peeled and exposed the under layer or burnt skin. Maybe - if you're lucky - i'll get a pic and post it but you'll need a strong stomach.

Is this better?

Only temporary

I need a new layout. I need something happy?

Is this too fucking happy?

Something bright?

Well I thought i liked the forest but it looks weird. Will need time later on to fuck around with it. In the mean time, apologies.

3rd degree bacon grease burn and 6 months scar pic

For the morbidily curious like myself kinda ppl.

*insert maniac giggle here b/c you all know you're morbidly curious*

My scar, days away from being 6 months post! Barely visible! INSANITY!

"Forever Young..."

"...I want to be forever young/Do you really want to live forever?/Forever?And ever?"

HAPPY NEWS ON THIS DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After 2 years, my dear dear friend Amy V, who re-located from New Brunswick to await her second double lung transplant, got the call today and went into surgery at 4pm!!!!!!!! Any thoughts and prayers sent her way would be muchly appreciated! She waited long and hard for this and i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy for her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second, and ironically, today marks 6 years since the passing of my dear friend Karyn. 6 years and i can't believe it. I miss you tons but i know you're up there watching over, and maybe you even had a hand in today's events? As i state every year on this day, Karyn was an organ donor and saved 11 people's lives. Can you define hero for me, please??

In another twist of irony, "Forever Young" was playing on the radio today and i found myself happily (and horribly) singing along to it....Did you have a hand in that too, K? Maybe? There are no coincidences...

"Yearbook write up found, in her pocket, at the accident scene: "Someone once told me, live for what you love, die for what you beleive in, always remember who your friends are, and when the day comes, hold your head up, it's not an end, merely a second start...never stop dreaming, dreams make life bearable. They give you hope and that's exactly what i have...this is my second start."

And i recommend you people go to my side bar and check out Merv Sheppards blog. He outlines the brilliant success Trillium Gift of Life had in 2009, seeing over 200 organ donations made. In Ontario alone, there were 102 lung transplants! WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!

**FINGER UPDATE**

Middle finger, goo-filled finger popped in the shower the other night, promptly deflating and releasing a steady stream of goo everywhere soon after. The excess skin soon caved in and made a grotesque looking pile on the top of my finger, where it remains, but is hidden beneath a bandaid.

There is no pain. Thank-you for your concern and words of support.

Crippled Update

Went to the docs today to firstly, inspect the incision from my port surgery on my neck, and second, to inform my doc of my current state of crippled-ness.

First, neck incision is fine. Not infected, just has a bundle of scar tissue underneath and will scar a little hard. She wrote me a 'script for an antibiotic though incase the inflammation doesn't go away, but i will only begin it if that is the case.

I go back in a week.

Second, i showed the doc my fingers. The verdict is in and I have 3rd degree burns. I have to put Polysporin on the blisters repeatedly and keep them covered with bandages and gauze until they erupt. The blister on my middle finger is the worst, as it looks like a dome and is roughly the size of a dime. You know those googly-eyed fish at the top? The blister looks like that. Like if it bumps into something it will explode goo everywhere.

Will keep you updated on the current state of my goo-encased crippled finger.