I went to the bar last night with some friends.
I didn't get home till 2am and woke up for some stupid reason at 5am because I felt compelled to re-read my donor letter.
Why? I don't know. But i'm glad I did, because I made a discovery that has thoroughly woken me up.
I've mentioned that my donor's favourite sport was cross-country skiing, and that I will be taking it up this winter to honour him. But it's more than that: I'm not just doing it as a means to pay hommage to him; I'm doing it because I have this unexplainable desire to do so. I can't explain it, but I have this urge - this hunger - for winter to come so I can strap some skiis on and feel life flowing through me. The other day I was googling Blue Mountain, which is a ski resort here in Ontario. I even was looking up winter backgrounds for my computer that had to do with people skiing because I simply cannot wait for winter to arrive. I've got my snowpants, my jacket, all the good stuff, and now all I have to do is wait.
And then I read this:
"At his memorial one of the eulogists commented that she was sure that somewhere in about November, some person would wake up and have a tremendous urge to hit the ski trails"
You know how you can long for someone? How it pulls at your heart and you sit around and wait for them and can't really think of much else? And then when you do think of them you get excited? That's how I feel about cross-country skiing. Which is strange, because I feel like I've been skiing forever even though I havent. I long to hit the ski trails the way I long for hot summer nights in the middle of January.
Strange eh?
Showing posts with label Signs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Signs. Show all posts
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Like woah!
WOW! Lots to write about!
Where to start? *scratches chin philosophically*
I'll start with the good/weird.
I had a dream this morning that I got a second lung transplant. I went in for a regular appointment and the next thing I know they tell me that I need another pair of lungs, so i'm immediately re-listed and the next thing i know is they tell me, "we have a pair of lungs for you". A pair that is apparently better than the ones i already have? So i'm wheeled in, get the surgery, recover uber fast and have no pain or anything. I was only out of surgery for like, an hour and I was completely lucid and had no pain and was walking and everything. The next week after surgery i'm at a baseball game pitching windmill and told myself i probably shouldn't be using my arms so violently b/c of my incision/sternum (i used to pitch). THEN me and the fam jam end up in New York at the top of the Empire State Building and we're doing the stairs and it's effortless, but it was in the middle of a terrorist attack or something?
Anyways, point is: i got another lung tx. How weird.
But even weirder is this: i got a text from Alex this morning telling me that our friend Hattie got the call for lungs! She was wheeled into surgery about 15 minutes ago! How crazy? Did i intuitively know? Mayhaps!
But I also beleive that this dream interplays with a fear of mine: a fear that I could get sick again at any point and not realize that i'm sick. Does that make sense? That i'll get sick and not recognize it? And be caught off guard? I hope not. Blah.
Either way: woooooooooooo spidey senses!
And speaking of spidey...I had to take the Heidi-Speidi to the vet today. Heidi has been assigned the new name of Pee-pee cat, since lately she's taken to randomly peeing everywhere.
Here are some examples: the hall mat, the kitchen mat, the laundry room mat, the bathroom mat, the family room carpet, the living room mat, my mum's fur coat, and inside my favourite ever purse. To name a few.
So off to the vet the Pee-pee cat and i went at 8:45 this morning. I always feel a little embarassed when i take her to the vet b/c she's so scraggly/homeless looking. I can brush her all i want but she still looks that way. She's always looked like this, no matter how much i brush her. And she's got bare pink patches above her eye that have always been there. And she has random scratches on her face from her nails and Zoey being mean to her. Oh, and she gets sleepers in her eyes too and they tend to run down her face, but i had the forethought to clean her face up before presenting her to the veterinary world lest i be seen as a horrible pet owner who doesn't give a shit about their precious cat.
Anywho. The bill came to $326. Thanks stupid HST! $326 and all they did was blood work (gereatric screening), an overall exam, and urine sample.
So far, here is the verdict:
She has really bad teeth.
She is 2lbs underweight.
She has a heart murmur.
And a mishapen iris.
:(
My poor Heidi-Speidi. My poor, old, decrepit Heidi-Speidi.
So now we sit and wait until the blood results come back. I looked on the age chart in the examination room and saw that a feline of 16 years is 80 human year. Which is a funny thing because i love my cat to peices, but i'm not overly fond of old humans.
Where to start? *scratches chin philosophically*
I'll start with the good/weird.
I had a dream this morning that I got a second lung transplant. I went in for a regular appointment and the next thing I know they tell me that I need another pair of lungs, so i'm immediately re-listed and the next thing i know is they tell me, "we have a pair of lungs for you". A pair that is apparently better than the ones i already have? So i'm wheeled in, get the surgery, recover uber fast and have no pain or anything. I was only out of surgery for like, an hour and I was completely lucid and had no pain and was walking and everything. The next week after surgery i'm at a baseball game pitching windmill and told myself i probably shouldn't be using my arms so violently b/c of my incision/sternum (i used to pitch). THEN me and the fam jam end up in New York at the top of the Empire State Building and we're doing the stairs and it's effortless, but it was in the middle of a terrorist attack or something?
Anyways, point is: i got another lung tx. How weird.
But even weirder is this: i got a text from Alex this morning telling me that our friend Hattie got the call for lungs! She was wheeled into surgery about 15 minutes ago! How crazy? Did i intuitively know? Mayhaps!
But I also beleive that this dream interplays with a fear of mine: a fear that I could get sick again at any point and not realize that i'm sick. Does that make sense? That i'll get sick and not recognize it? And be caught off guard? I hope not. Blah.
Either way: woooooooooooo spidey senses!
And speaking of spidey...I had to take the Heidi-Speidi to the vet today. Heidi has been assigned the new name of Pee-pee cat, since lately she's taken to randomly peeing everywhere.
Here are some examples: the hall mat, the kitchen mat, the laundry room mat, the bathroom mat, the family room carpet, the living room mat, my mum's fur coat, and inside my favourite ever purse. To name a few.
So off to the vet the Pee-pee cat and i went at 8:45 this morning. I always feel a little embarassed when i take her to the vet b/c she's so scraggly/homeless looking. I can brush her all i want but she still looks that way. She's always looked like this, no matter how much i brush her. And she's got bare pink patches above her eye that have always been there. And she has random scratches on her face from her nails and Zoey being mean to her. Oh, and she gets sleepers in her eyes too and they tend to run down her face, but i had the forethought to clean her face up before presenting her to the veterinary world lest i be seen as a horrible pet owner who doesn't give a shit about their precious cat.
Anywho. The bill came to $326. Thanks stupid HST! $326 and all they did was blood work (gereatric screening), an overall exam, and urine sample.
So far, here is the verdict:
She has really bad teeth.
She is 2lbs underweight.
She has a heart murmur.
And a mishapen iris.
:(
My poor Heidi-Speidi. My poor, old, decrepit Heidi-Speidi.
So now we sit and wait until the blood results come back. I looked on the age chart in the examination room and saw that a feline of 16 years is 80 human year. Which is a funny thing because i love my cat to peices, but i'm not overly fond of old humans.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Starkey Hill
Yesterday was my 10 months post tx! To celebrate, I walked a 4k trail with Krystal again. We brought our dogs and had an absolute blast!
The view from the summit
The girls - not acting like assholes for once.This was our second trip on this magnificant trail, and unlike the first go 'round (note final picture, it started to torrential downpour on us. Dogs, humans, 5 bitches completely soaked), this time i took a humungus spill. We're not talking just a small fall, oh no, we're talking an all-out plummet from a standing position to flying over a rock that appeared out of nowhere, to landing in full-on victims pose, apple bits scattered all over the trail, sunglasses askew, shock-and-awe all around kinda fall.
As you can see, I gashed my palm open. When i told my parents the tale of my fall, my dad could only counteract with a "make sure you don't land on your back or chest and hurt your lungs" *eye roll*. Well, it's almost 24 hours later and I'm still wholly in tact, thank you very much. I felt wonderful after doing the largely inclined trail. To just be able to breathe and do it and not get out of breath is wonderful. Yes, I do get out of breath like a normal healthy person does when they walk up steep inclines, but there is a difference from pre and post tx out-of-breathness. Pre-tx, I got out of breath doing everything, and there was a sense of panic and ugency with it. Your lungs can't expand fully and they more or less constrict and you can't inhale to your full ability which makes it worse. Post tx, you can regulate it. Take deep breaths in and calm yourself down. You don't need to stop walking or sit down because you feel like you will die all over the place and kill people out of rage. You're fine, and it's ok.
As you can see, I gashed my palm open. When i told my parents the tale of my fall, my dad could only counteract with a "make sure you don't land on your back or chest and hurt your lungs" *eye roll*. Well, it's almost 24 hours later and I'm still wholly in tact, thank you very much. I felt wonderful after doing the largely inclined trail. To just be able to breathe and do it and not get out of breath is wonderful. Yes, I do get out of breath like a normal healthy person does when they walk up steep inclines, but there is a difference from pre and post tx out-of-breathness. Pre-tx, I got out of breath doing everything, and there was a sense of panic and ugency with it. Your lungs can't expand fully and they more or less constrict and you can't inhale to your full ability which makes it worse. Post tx, you can regulate it. Take deep breaths in and calm yourself down. You don't need to stop walking or sit down because you feel like you will die all over the place and kill people out of rage. You're fine, and it's ok.I've been in a very good mood lately. Not worrying about things, not worrying about a job (obviously i'm looking, but i'm not bummed out), just overall happy which is grand. Last week I made an awesome lasagna, and Sunday I watched Discovery channel all day because that special called "Life" was on. I made beer chili, and while it was completely awesome, it was also completely spicey and i don't think i exaggerate when I claim that it set everyone's asshole's on fire the very next day. Ermmmm i don't know if there is anything else for me to write about? I know a good entry was in order since i've been writing poem crap lately and i know that doesn't offer any real insight as to what yours truely has been up to.
Can't wait for the next trail walk with Krystal! Here's hoping neither of us fall (Krys fell twice during the downpour, I fell like a champ yesterday, and we got rained on the first try, dogs included)
Actually! I must mention this: you know how i always talk about getting signs from Karyn, and Megs, or just signs in general? Well i never thought that I could be a sign for someone else. Yesterday, after my massive spill, we were back on the trail when a woman appeared on the trail headed our way. She saw my dogs and her face lit up. She came up to us and was saying how beautiful they were (to which i proclaimed "when theyre not acting like idiots"), and asked if they were related. I said yes, they're mother and daughter, and she automatically knew which one was the mother (Maddy). She was just so elated to see them and her face lit up as she patted them. Then she looked at me and said, "I used to have 3....havent yet gotten a new one since we put our last one down..." and it was almost as if seeing the girls was a sign for her letting her know that it was ok, that she could move on and get another one or something. Just seeing the girls and patting them made her so happy, it was nice to see. I'm glad that when they're not being spastic that they can offer hope and comfort to other people other than us.
Ok that is all. Here's a pic from our first excursion when we got caught in a torrential downpour. We're soaked!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
A Sign...
...from Megs.
I got one today, and realized I've been getting them for the last dew days.
On Saturday - before i found out she had died - I was in the backyard and out of nowhere 4 monarch butterflies appeared and fluttered all around me. I knew then that she had passed. Her angels had come and took her away so she'd not be alone on her journey to the afterworld.
Later that day I was at a nursery with my mum and out of nowhere a single monarch showed up and flew up, up and disappeared into nothing.
Then today I was on a drive looking for new walking trails when out of nowhere a single monarch began fluttering around me. Persistantly. It just hung out and then I realized, "it's Meghann...letting me know she's still here." As soon as I made the connection, it flew away.
And then I began crying. Today was the first time I shed a single tear for her because i've just been in shock and denial.
I miss seeing her sign in on MSN, or facebook chat, and I miss our random text messages. I miss our Skype and webcam chats too.
I never thought megs had the strength to die. But i guess I was wrong. Because she did. She's moved onto bigger and better things. We haven't lost you, you've merely taken on a different form. You are free now.
Fly free my wonderful Megs. And breathe easy. I will always keep cheesie puffs on hand and think of you - and then get my fat ass in gear because of it.
Here's my fave pic of Megs. It's pre-tx, but it encapsulates everything that she is and was. I don't want to post any post-tx pics because she wasn't happy with what the pred had done to her. So this is how I will remember my Megs, a silly, compassionate, naughty, feisty, complainer, lol.
Now, my friend, you are only in my memory...
"Let me go gracefully..."
P.S Megs, please take care of Casey up in Heaven. You knew how much he meant to me, and you're probably wondering why he's up there. Give him lots of hugs for me because he likes to cuddle and he won't go to sleep without them. I'm sending hugs to Neeko for you - i know you're missing him as he's missing his Mama.
This effing sucks.
:(
Friday, February 26, 2010
Out of the rut! Confessions
I've had thoughts of wanting to die since about January.
Not all the time, but on and off. And i beleive these thoughts came along with the ex and his negative attitude as well as having too much time on my hands, that all I did was focus on the fact that it was winter, that i hated the weather, didn't have a job, or money, and there was no end in sight to any and all things depressing.
I found that once i was occupied, I didn't have these thoughts and things were perfectly fine. As long as I had something to occupy my time with, I was completely fine.
The last week has been nothing but positive.
Then last night, a thought about wanting to die crept up on me.
Why? I don't know. Probably because we're getting a raging snow storm, and I was dwelling on stupid shit like what I"m doing to do for a living once I'm older (but what 24 year old doesn't worry about that?). And then, ut of the blue, I got a sign.
Mum and I were driving home, in the middle of a blazing, blowing snowstorm. We pulled onto our steet and in the middle of our driveway, amidst the blowing snow and snowdrifts, was a bunny.
Just sitting there calmly.
Staring at us.
A sign. From Karyn. That all will be ok, and that I needn't have these thoughts all because I don't know what I want to do with my life. It's ok to be worried and scared, but it is not ok to dwell on them to the point that I want an escape through death. Not that i want to die now, because i don't, but i was thinking maybe in 10 years so I wouldn't have to pay bills, lol.
Stupid eh?
The last time I saw a bunny was the 16th, the day of my bronch. It ran in front of the car on the way to Toronto.
You know you've got true friends when the pact you made the summer you were 17 holds true. Karyn and I sat in my basement, and she said to me that if anything ever happend to one of us (meaning, one of us died) that we would come back and let the other one know.
She has held onto her end of the promise countless times.
I found myself semi-depressed today on account of the snowstorm and not having anything to do. Since my sister moved out of the house in August, her room's been vacant and got a brand new double bed. The idea of me moving into her room has been tossed around countless times, and today, I jumped at the chance and moved all my shit into my sisters room.
And i feel wonderful.
And I don't want to die.
I know that I'm not depressed, but I know that when I have too much free time that ill-thoughts creep up on me. I know I am not the only one to experience such thoughts and feelings, and if there's anything I hate more than mental oppression, it's when this stuff happens and no one speaks up about it. Yes, transplant is wonderful, but there are mental downsides that I feel people sweep under the rug.
I won't sweep this under the rug. If any tx friends are reading this and have had similar thoughts, i want you to know that they are shared and you are not alone. Please leave a comment or post in the guestbook. I'd love feedback!
So anywho, moving rooms changed my attitude. So much shit went down in my old room - illness, dying, death, breakups - just too much negativity that it was good to get out and have a fresh start. Admittedly, I was slightly afraid that i would miss it (silly, eh?) but you gotta grow up and move on at some point. Mainly, my fear was that i'd miss my bed too much because it's soooooo damn comfy. But my awesome pillows will come with me so that's good! The room itself is on the dark side (butterscotch), and my sisters room is a light yellow. It's bright, and happy and cheery and positive, which is what i need. I made the right choice and am sitting on my new bed, in my new room, writing this entry and feeling completely happy:)
AND!
Another thing to be thrilled about!
Got a call from my co-ordinator today and my latest bronch results yielded NO REJECTION. As a result, my pred dose is going down as follows:
For the next month(till March 26th) it will be 12.5mg daily.
From March 26-April 26th it will go to 10mg.
From April 26th to my 9 month assessment, it will alternate daily from 10mg to 7.5mg.
So voila.
I have nothing to want to die over in retrospect.
I have no rejection. My lung function is 98%. I have a job. I'm back in school. I'm having the time of my life.
I am alive.
It's amazing the power of the mind. It's amazing how someone else's shit can bring you so low that after all I've been through that the thought of having a future made me miserable.
NEVER AGAIN.
I AM ALIVE.
I am out of my rut. Finally.
New beginnings.
Not all the time, but on and off. And i beleive these thoughts came along with the ex and his negative attitude as well as having too much time on my hands, that all I did was focus on the fact that it was winter, that i hated the weather, didn't have a job, or money, and there was no end in sight to any and all things depressing.
I found that once i was occupied, I didn't have these thoughts and things were perfectly fine. As long as I had something to occupy my time with, I was completely fine.
The last week has been nothing but positive.
Then last night, a thought about wanting to die crept up on me.
Why? I don't know. Probably because we're getting a raging snow storm, and I was dwelling on stupid shit like what I"m doing to do for a living once I'm older (but what 24 year old doesn't worry about that?). And then, ut of the blue, I got a sign.
Mum and I were driving home, in the middle of a blazing, blowing snowstorm. We pulled onto our steet and in the middle of our driveway, amidst the blowing snow and snowdrifts, was a bunny.
Just sitting there calmly.
Staring at us.
A sign. From Karyn. That all will be ok, and that I needn't have these thoughts all because I don't know what I want to do with my life. It's ok to be worried and scared, but it is not ok to dwell on them to the point that I want an escape through death. Not that i want to die now, because i don't, but i was thinking maybe in 10 years so I wouldn't have to pay bills, lol.
Stupid eh?
The last time I saw a bunny was the 16th, the day of my bronch. It ran in front of the car on the way to Toronto.
You know you've got true friends when the pact you made the summer you were 17 holds true. Karyn and I sat in my basement, and she said to me that if anything ever happend to one of us (meaning, one of us died) that we would come back and let the other one know.
She has held onto her end of the promise countless times.
I found myself semi-depressed today on account of the snowstorm and not having anything to do. Since my sister moved out of the house in August, her room's been vacant and got a brand new double bed. The idea of me moving into her room has been tossed around countless times, and today, I jumped at the chance and moved all my shit into my sisters room.
And i feel wonderful.
And I don't want to die.
I know that I'm not depressed, but I know that when I have too much free time that ill-thoughts creep up on me. I know I am not the only one to experience such thoughts and feelings, and if there's anything I hate more than mental oppression, it's when this stuff happens and no one speaks up about it. Yes, transplant is wonderful, but there are mental downsides that I feel people sweep under the rug.
I won't sweep this under the rug. If any tx friends are reading this and have had similar thoughts, i want you to know that they are shared and you are not alone. Please leave a comment or post in the guestbook. I'd love feedback!
So anywho, moving rooms changed my attitude. So much shit went down in my old room - illness, dying, death, breakups - just too much negativity that it was good to get out and have a fresh start. Admittedly, I was slightly afraid that i would miss it (silly, eh?) but you gotta grow up and move on at some point. Mainly, my fear was that i'd miss my bed too much because it's soooooo damn comfy. But my awesome pillows will come with me so that's good! The room itself is on the dark side (butterscotch), and my sisters room is a light yellow. It's bright, and happy and cheery and positive, which is what i need. I made the right choice and am sitting on my new bed, in my new room, writing this entry and feeling completely happy:)
AND!
Another thing to be thrilled about!
Got a call from my co-ordinator today and my latest bronch results yielded NO REJECTION. As a result, my pred dose is going down as follows:
For the next month(till March 26th) it will be 12.5mg daily.
From March 26-April 26th it will go to 10mg.
From April 26th to my 9 month assessment, it will alternate daily from 10mg to 7.5mg.
So voila.
I have nothing to want to die over in retrospect.
I have no rejection. My lung function is 98%. I have a job. I'm back in school. I'm having the time of my life.
I am alive.
It's amazing the power of the mind. It's amazing how someone else's shit can bring you so low that after all I've been through that the thought of having a future made me miserable.
NEVER AGAIN.
I AM ALIVE.
I am out of my rut. Finally.
New beginnings.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Flash Virgin
Welp, they did not lie when they called this snowstorm "Snowmageddon". It definately sucks. And it's definately awesome at the same time. And it definately looks like the end of the world outside.
I left Jenna's last night after our Pizza night with the girlies. I had horrible back pain again, and it just kept getting worse. By midnight i felt paralyzed, or like i had fallen into a cement mixer and been torn up. I took 1 tylenol 2 at midnight and it did nothing for me except get stuck in my throat and taste awful. I woke up at 5am and felt worse. I hoped the snowstorm was raging so that i wouldn't have to go to rehab.
Alas, I woke up at 7 am and nothing. Not a snowflake, not a wind, not a nuffin. I had to go. Fuck. Just as i was leaving it started up, and it didn't start up slowly, it just came raging in from the hell it came from and it was like immediate white out conditions.
As i made it into the city where rehab is, i turned to take the bridge that leads to the hosp. YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE THE HOSP (which looks like an asylum, lets be honest). It had all but diappeared in the wall of snowstorm. But i had ulterior motives to this trip: i really wanted to see the resp. doc to find out what was wrong with me. I woke up today and i couldn't sit up. I can't arch my back or straighten up at all. I'm in a perminant slouching position like a grumpy old man. The only thing that would top this was if i was bald and in a wheelchair. But i'm not.
I told Rhonda that i wasn't feeling well so she paged for Lori to come see me. I was squandered to the back corner and the curtain was drawn to hide me from the world. Lori soon came and as soon as i started telling her what was wrong with me, I started to cry b/c the pain was so bad. She was so kind and sweet that it made me cry more, and she touched my back and said it was definately pleurisy.
The pleurisy this time is different from the last time, wherein the last time i swore i had been mysteriously shot by a musket in the dead of night, and this time i feel like i have been squeezed and shoved into a machine that has torn up all my back muscles. Except the pain is in my ENTIRE back and it ends at the bottom of my ribs. It's also at the top part of my arms (that line up with the top lobes of your lungs) and it's up the back of my neck and the side of it, and then in both front upper lobes.
I walk like i have a stick up my ass. I can't bend over and my thighs are sore b/c i can't stand up straight. It really is shitty, but i'm glad i have it confirmed that i am once again struck by the almighty hand of pleurisy.
So Lori called my respirologist and told her i was plagued again, and said i was taking Tylenol 2 (i took 2 when i got home and they are working!) I was told to start Cipro and will call that tomorrow. I don't want to drive in this shit anymore. My respirologist said that if it gets worse I have to get admitted into the hosp.YIKES! When all was said and done, i was on my merry way and back out into the winter wonderland, where i had to clean my car again.
The snow is falling at such a rate and is blowing so hard that I had to pull over 3 times to brush off my back window and remove the ice that formed under my wipers. I repeatedly saw people park at red lights, get out, and wipes their cars off b/c the snow was accumulating so fast. I fishtaled at 2 intersections (and didn't freak out or cry, yay!) and I drove all the way home at 50km/h. And no i don't have snow tires, my dad claims they are 'all season' tires, aka, they've been on the fucken car for the last 16 years.The wind bites it's so cold, but what can you do? My papa called and was shocked to hear that i had gone to rehab, and was shocked to hear my sister had gone to work in another city. He was so shocked that he exclaimed, in typical Papa fashion, "I don't know why people don't just stay the hell inside". He then informed me that he would sit by the phone and worry until I called him letting him know my sister had made it safely home.
And to make it more exciting, when I was crossing a bridge to get home, i flashed someone to let them know to cross it first! I've never flashed anyone before and it was tres exciting! WEEEEEEEE!
So that ends it for this long wintery painful entry. Before I go I must add that as I dropped Krystal off at her place last night, I saw a bunny!!!!!!!!! I havent seen one in a long time and was shocked to see one in December. It was even more special seeing as Owen had been born the day before. It was as if K was letting us know that she's still here and knows what's going on, and just saying, "i'm still here". :)
And i'm glad i could scroll my window down fast enough, stick part of my hand out, and scream "BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!" at Krystal without scaring it off!!
I left Jenna's last night after our Pizza night with the girlies. I had horrible back pain again, and it just kept getting worse. By midnight i felt paralyzed, or like i had fallen into a cement mixer and been torn up. I took 1 tylenol 2 at midnight and it did nothing for me except get stuck in my throat and taste awful. I woke up at 5am and felt worse. I hoped the snowstorm was raging so that i wouldn't have to go to rehab.
Alas, I woke up at 7 am and nothing. Not a snowflake, not a wind, not a nuffin. I had to go. Fuck. Just as i was leaving it started up, and it didn't start up slowly, it just came raging in from the hell it came from and it was like immediate white out conditions.
As i made it into the city where rehab is, i turned to take the bridge that leads to the hosp. YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE THE HOSP (which looks like an asylum, lets be honest). It had all but diappeared in the wall of snowstorm. But i had ulterior motives to this trip: i really wanted to see the resp. doc to find out what was wrong with me. I woke up today and i couldn't sit up. I can't arch my back or straighten up at all. I'm in a perminant slouching position like a grumpy old man. The only thing that would top this was if i was bald and in a wheelchair. But i'm not.
I told Rhonda that i wasn't feeling well so she paged for Lori to come see me. I was squandered to the back corner and the curtain was drawn to hide me from the world. Lori soon came and as soon as i started telling her what was wrong with me, I started to cry b/c the pain was so bad. She was so kind and sweet that it made me cry more, and she touched my back and said it was definately pleurisy.
The pleurisy this time is different from the last time, wherein the last time i swore i had been mysteriously shot by a musket in the dead of night, and this time i feel like i have been squeezed and shoved into a machine that has torn up all my back muscles. Except the pain is in my ENTIRE back and it ends at the bottom of my ribs. It's also at the top part of my arms (that line up with the top lobes of your lungs) and it's up the back of my neck and the side of it, and then in both front upper lobes.
I walk like i have a stick up my ass. I can't bend over and my thighs are sore b/c i can't stand up straight. It really is shitty, but i'm glad i have it confirmed that i am once again struck by the almighty hand of pleurisy.
So Lori called my respirologist and told her i was plagued again, and said i was taking Tylenol 2 (i took 2 when i got home and they are working!) I was told to start Cipro and will call that tomorrow. I don't want to drive in this shit anymore. My respirologist said that if it gets worse I have to get admitted into the hosp.YIKES! When all was said and done, i was on my merry way and back out into the winter wonderland, where i had to clean my car again.
The snow is falling at such a rate and is blowing so hard that I had to pull over 3 times to brush off my back window and remove the ice that formed under my wipers. I repeatedly saw people park at red lights, get out, and wipes their cars off b/c the snow was accumulating so fast. I fishtaled at 2 intersections (and didn't freak out or cry, yay!) and I drove all the way home at 50km/h. And no i don't have snow tires, my dad claims they are 'all season' tires, aka, they've been on the fucken car for the last 16 years.The wind bites it's so cold, but what can you do? My papa called and was shocked to hear that i had gone to rehab, and was shocked to hear my sister had gone to work in another city. He was so shocked that he exclaimed, in typical Papa fashion, "I don't know why people don't just stay the hell inside". He then informed me that he would sit by the phone and worry until I called him letting him know my sister had made it safely home.
And to make it more exciting, when I was crossing a bridge to get home, i flashed someone to let them know to cross it first! I've never flashed anyone before and it was tres exciting! WEEEEEEEE!
So that ends it for this long wintery painful entry. Before I go I must add that as I dropped Krystal off at her place last night, I saw a bunny!!!!!!!!! I havent seen one in a long time and was shocked to see one in December. It was even more special seeing as Owen had been born the day before. It was as if K was letting us know that she's still here and knows what's going on, and just saying, "i'm still here". :)
And i'm glad i could scroll my window down fast enough, stick part of my hand out, and scream "BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!" at Krystal without scaring it off!!
Friday, September 5, 2008
Lazy
I want to be lazy.
For the last 2 weeks i've had something to do, somewhere to go, some doc appt to attend to, or somewhere to be. I have at least 1 day 'off', and it's not enough. Not in my situation anyway.
My mum woke me rudely up at 6:13 this morning, telling me to wake up b/c i would late for physio. I promply pried my eye open, told her to go to hell, and that i had until 7am to sleep in b/c i left for physio at 8am. She shut my door in a huff, and then crows began to sing outside my window. If guns were legal in Canada, I would have gladly shot all of them. But alas i had to haul ass out of bed, slam my window shut, and i fell into bed like a rock.
I slept for another hour, when i rose again, in slightly better mood but still exhausted.
The exhaustion has been creeping up on me rapidly for the last couple of days. I feel like, today especially, like my limbs are hollow and full of wet sand, making me heavy and not wanting to move. Not sure how i did physio either; pretty sure i lied on my sheet and said i did a substantial amount more than i actually did. I'm pretty sure that once i was out of view that i sat on a chair by myself and held a 3lb weight in my hand for 10 seconds, and counted it as actually doing 10 reps instead.
After that I had to go to my nana and papa's to write addresses for envelopes to send to ppl for their 60th wedding anniversary. It's done via snailmail, since nana and papa don't have a computer, though they claim to know someone who 'has an internet'. I got pizza for lunch and brownies from my nana, and it was (as papa says), "marvelous".
After that I went to the cemetary and visited Karyn. I havent been since January on the anniversary of her passing, and since my nana and papa's place is right across the street, i popped in for a bit. The last time i went it was the dead of winter (pardon the pun) and her grave had half a foot of snow and was slushy. Today it was warm and windy and i could actually sit in front of it and say some words to her. I touched her headstone, kissed my hand and touched it, and rose to leave. I asked her for strength; for a sign, and that my transplant would come soon. Karyn was an organ donor. She saved 7 people. She of all people knew and valued the urgency in such a thing, and if there was anyone for me to send such a wish to, it would be her - my dearly missed friend.
When i got into the car I cried hysterically. For what, I don't know. I know that she's gone but the notion can strike you at the oddest of moments...you realize, "shit, she's gone". Sometimes it doesn't matter that it's been 4 years. As I drove away, that new song by Hedley came on the radio, called "Old School." Anyone who knows it, knows it's a song reflecting how things were with friends when they were in high school, all the things they did, all the memories they made, and the 'beautiful insanity' of it all. If there ever was a more appropriate song to be sent to me, it was that.
When i got home i looked at my watch. It read 1:22. Karyn's b-day is 1/22.
Coincidence???
Either way, that's about all i have to say.
I've gone and babbled and made no sense. It's time for me to go. It feels like 2 stone-aged people are trying to burn flint in my lungs. Ugh.
For the last 2 weeks i've had something to do, somewhere to go, some doc appt to attend to, or somewhere to be. I have at least 1 day 'off', and it's not enough. Not in my situation anyway.
My mum woke me rudely up at 6:13 this morning, telling me to wake up b/c i would late for physio. I promply pried my eye open, told her to go to hell, and that i had until 7am to sleep in b/c i left for physio at 8am. She shut my door in a huff, and then crows began to sing outside my window. If guns were legal in Canada, I would have gladly shot all of them. But alas i had to haul ass out of bed, slam my window shut, and i fell into bed like a rock.
I slept for another hour, when i rose again, in slightly better mood but still exhausted.
The exhaustion has been creeping up on me rapidly for the last couple of days. I feel like, today especially, like my limbs are hollow and full of wet sand, making me heavy and not wanting to move. Not sure how i did physio either; pretty sure i lied on my sheet and said i did a substantial amount more than i actually did. I'm pretty sure that once i was out of view that i sat on a chair by myself and held a 3lb weight in my hand for 10 seconds, and counted it as actually doing 10 reps instead.
After that I had to go to my nana and papa's to write addresses for envelopes to send to ppl for their 60th wedding anniversary. It's done via snailmail, since nana and papa don't have a computer, though they claim to know someone who 'has an internet'. I got pizza for lunch and brownies from my nana, and it was (as papa says), "marvelous".
After that I went to the cemetary and visited Karyn. I havent been since January on the anniversary of her passing, and since my nana and papa's place is right across the street, i popped in for a bit. The last time i went it was the dead of winter (pardon the pun) and her grave had half a foot of snow and was slushy. Today it was warm and windy and i could actually sit in front of it and say some words to her. I touched her headstone, kissed my hand and touched it, and rose to leave. I asked her for strength; for a sign, and that my transplant would come soon. Karyn was an organ donor. She saved 7 people. She of all people knew and valued the urgency in such a thing, and if there was anyone for me to send such a wish to, it would be her - my dearly missed friend.
When i got into the car I cried hysterically. For what, I don't know. I know that she's gone but the notion can strike you at the oddest of moments...you realize, "shit, she's gone". Sometimes it doesn't matter that it's been 4 years. As I drove away, that new song by Hedley came on the radio, called "Old School." Anyone who knows it, knows it's a song reflecting how things were with friends when they were in high school, all the things they did, all the memories they made, and the 'beautiful insanity' of it all. If there ever was a more appropriate song to be sent to me, it was that.
When i got home i looked at my watch. It read 1:22. Karyn's b-day is 1/22.
Coincidence???
Either way, that's about all i have to say.
I've gone and babbled and made no sense. It's time for me to go. It feels like 2 stone-aged people are trying to burn flint in my lungs. Ugh.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Not much
I had a dream lastnight that i broke my leg and it had to be stapled back on. I remember looking down and seeing my thigh (which was significantly larger than it actually is) and marvelling at the mangeled staple work of whoever did it. The area was numb, and it didn't hurt to touch them, but i remember the it felt itchy and the skin was dry. Other than that, you couldn't tell that my leg had broken off - or whatever happened to it.
I've also seen 2 bunnies the last 2 days in a row - the same bunny- sitting on a sidewalk that goes through a feild of tall grass, munching away. Karyn must be sending me signs still...and i always know when they're from her and when they're just there b/c they are. I know they're signs b/c my eyes fall onto the bunnies, i never have to search for them...i just look somewhere and there it is in my line of sight. It's comforting.
Other than that there really isn't much to report. Not much is happening in my neck of the world. It's hot again and i felt like i was suffocating today from the humidity but i love it. I made Scottish Scones yesterday and they're all gone b/c i live with a bunch of greedy pigs it seems. Also, I'm going to my nana and papa's tomorrow for lunch so i'm sure i'll come back with some crazy stories. We're having sandwiches so we'll see how it goes. Last time i had lunch at my nana and papas, my sandwich was flattened from fingers when it was getting made. Oh nana I do love you.
Started new pill called Syprax. It's an antibiotic but also combats phlegminess (allegedly) So far it's not doing much of anything. I'm fully recovered after suffering from that horrible gastro test last week, but I can't help choking on pills whenever i take them b/c i think about the fact that i'm a 'weak swollower' with 'a small espophagus'. This knowledge makes for many choking incidents as of late, and I don't know whether this information helps or hurts me now.
Other than that, that's about it.
I've also seen 2 bunnies the last 2 days in a row - the same bunny- sitting on a sidewalk that goes through a feild of tall grass, munching away. Karyn must be sending me signs still...and i always know when they're from her and when they're just there b/c they are. I know they're signs b/c my eyes fall onto the bunnies, i never have to search for them...i just look somewhere and there it is in my line of sight. It's comforting.
Other than that there really isn't much to report. Not much is happening in my neck of the world. It's hot again and i felt like i was suffocating today from the humidity but i love it. I made Scottish Scones yesterday and they're all gone b/c i live with a bunch of greedy pigs it seems. Also, I'm going to my nana and papa's tomorrow for lunch so i'm sure i'll come back with some crazy stories. We're having sandwiches so we'll see how it goes. Last time i had lunch at my nana and papas, my sandwich was flattened from fingers when it was getting made. Oh nana I do love you.
Started new pill called Syprax. It's an antibiotic but also combats phlegminess (allegedly) So far it's not doing much of anything. I'm fully recovered after suffering from that horrible gastro test last week, but I can't help choking on pills whenever i take them b/c i think about the fact that i'm a 'weak swollower' with 'a small espophagus'. This knowledge makes for many choking incidents as of late, and I don't know whether this information helps or hurts me now.
Other than that, that's about it.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Just Give Me a Sign
I had to go to the complete opposite end of town today to get fitted for a bridesmaids dress. Yes yes! That's right - I am a bridesmaid! Jess is getting married this summer and I had the pleasure of being asked so of course I said yes!!! It took only minutes for me to get measured and I was there for roughly an hour, what with my inability to stop talking and all.
When I left I got in my car and was pulling my seatbelt over when I saw it across the street.
A bunny. Sniffing the grass and hopping slightly on the front of someone's lawn. It was actually a rabbit but rabbit/bunny is the same thing regardless. I grabbed my phone and called Jess's cell, even though she was in the house behind me. (it's not like i can run or anything!). It took her eons to answer but when she did i heaved out, "Guess what i saw!" and she goes, "What!?" and i go, " A bunny! Across the street - the blue house - on the lawn *gasp*" She said, "Aww really!" and looked out the window (it's not like i turned around to see if she did, i'm too lazy and was half stuck in my seatbelt). So that was that. It was marvelous.
I have not had a sign from Karyn in a while, but I don't think this sign was meant for me alone but rather me and Jess. Actually just the other day I was asking for one and it never came, and today, on a memory making day, where the bride and her bridesmaids are getting fitted, Karyn sent us a sign to let us know that even though she has passed on, she is still here with us. It was great. It was a great feeling to know she's still here and that everything will be ok.
When I left I got in my car and was pulling my seatbelt over when I saw it across the street.
A bunny. Sniffing the grass and hopping slightly on the front of someone's lawn. It was actually a rabbit but rabbit/bunny is the same thing regardless. I grabbed my phone and called Jess's cell, even though she was in the house behind me. (it's not like i can run or anything!). It took her eons to answer but when she did i heaved out, "Guess what i saw!" and she goes, "What!?" and i go, " A bunny! Across the street - the blue house - on the lawn *gasp*" She said, "Aww really!" and looked out the window (it's not like i turned around to see if she did, i'm too lazy and was half stuck in my seatbelt). So that was that. It was marvelous.
I have not had a sign from Karyn in a while, but I don't think this sign was meant for me alone but rather me and Jess. Actually just the other day I was asking for one and it never came, and today, on a memory making day, where the bride and her bridesmaids are getting fitted, Karyn sent us a sign to let us know that even though she has passed on, she is still here with us. It was great. It was a great feeling to know she's still here and that everything will be ok.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Stupid Questions....
There are stupid questions, and then there are stupid fucking questions. Today, for a good portion of this blog, I am going to focus on the stupid fucking questions that I've been asked regarding transplant. Hopefully, you people who have had tx, and for those of you who are waiting, can relate and get a laugh. This was brought to my attention upon having a conversation with Alice, who's a world away in South Africa waiting for a tx herself. Her blog can be read here: http://livinglifebreathlessly.blogspot.com/
And so we begin:
Stupid Fucking Question #1:
"Why are you out of breath? You must be out of shape..."
This question usually comes from some ignoramous who KNOWS that you need a tx and are in general overall poor respiratory health. These people must be kicked and punched and scratched upon asking.
Stupid Fucking Question #2:
"THAT makes you out of breath!?!"
Yes. Yes it does. In fact - EVERYTHING makes me out of breath so shut the fuck up and let me sit. By asking me such a question when I clearly can't breathe is only going to make the situation worse. So do me a favour and go away so I can die alone on the steps temporarily.
Stupid Fucking Question #3:
"Ugh...Smokers cough."
Yes, you're absoluetly right. I'm 22 years old and have already acquired smoker's cough. Thanks for the observation. Enjoy your time burning in hell.
Stupid Fucking Question #4:
" When's your transplant gonna be?"
If i knew that, I wouldn't be sitting here. Fucker.
Stupid Fucking Question #5:
" Who's your transplant going to be from/Do you know the donor?"
Honestly? HONESTLY!? How fucking stupid can you be? The answer is 'no and no'. This is a dumb question which doesn't need justification. It's just fucking stupid.
And so we have a list of 5 stupid fucking questions that I've been asked on countless occasions. I can happily report I'm not the only one who's gotten these. There are more questions I've been asked, such as, upon hearing me cough, "Oh...I've had that" and "Are you sick again", as well as, "Can you breathe w/o your oxygen on?" but...when you're as dumb as these people.....they don't warrant being given anymore attention then I've paid to them already. I even had a prof ask me when my transplant would be, and when i informed her i didn't know b/c someone had to die, she looked at me like I had kicked her up her uterus.
Don't get me wrong, you can't blame some people for just being ignorant and stupid. I know people don't live, eat, and breathe transplant the way I have to, so I can understand to an extent. But asking someone when they're going to be getting a transplant is kind of like asking a healthy person when they're going to have a heart attack in the future (if they even do). The answer is: I simply don't know.
Also, to add to this already long blog, I had a visit from Karyn lastnight in my dream. Today is 4 years exactly that she had her aneurysm and car accident. It was the last time that I ever spoke to her. Actually, as I look at the clock right now, this was the exact time of our last conversation. I am not overwhelmed with saddess the way I used to be. It's kind of bittersweet. In my dream, me, Krystal, Tara, and Jess were sitting around talking about Karyn. For some reason I was really emotional and crying hysterically. Then, Karyn's mum let us inside and we went to her room. On her bed was a brand new pic of her that I had never seen before. It was one of those Harry Potter like pictures where the ppl in it are moving and interacting. Well Karyn was smiling and waving and pointing at us. Then, she started writing something on the frame.
In black writing, she had written: "I miss you guys".
And with that, she smiled, and turned, and I woke up.
Again I was overcome with the same feeling that I get when I've had dreams about her before. They're different from regular dreams when you KNOW you're dreaming. You can actually feel that someone was there. It was amazing.
And with that chickies, I must close this long blog! Hope you're warm - it's a cold nasty bitch outside!
Cheers,
Bree:)
And so we begin:
Stupid Fucking Question #1:
"Why are you out of breath? You must be out of shape..."
This question usually comes from some ignoramous who KNOWS that you need a tx and are in general overall poor respiratory health. These people must be kicked and punched and scratched upon asking.
Stupid Fucking Question #2:
"THAT makes you out of breath!?!"
Yes. Yes it does. In fact - EVERYTHING makes me out of breath so shut the fuck up and let me sit. By asking me such a question when I clearly can't breathe is only going to make the situation worse. So do me a favour and go away so I can die alone on the steps temporarily.
Stupid Fucking Question #3:
"Ugh...Smokers cough."
Yes, you're absoluetly right. I'm 22 years old and have already acquired smoker's cough. Thanks for the observation. Enjoy your time burning in hell.
Stupid Fucking Question #4:
" When's your transplant gonna be?"
If i knew that, I wouldn't be sitting here. Fucker.
Stupid Fucking Question #5:
" Who's your transplant going to be from/Do you know the donor?"
Honestly? HONESTLY!? How fucking stupid can you be? The answer is 'no and no'. This is a dumb question which doesn't need justification. It's just fucking stupid.
And so we have a list of 5 stupid fucking questions that I've been asked on countless occasions. I can happily report I'm not the only one who's gotten these. There are more questions I've been asked, such as, upon hearing me cough, "Oh...I've had that" and "Are you sick again", as well as, "Can you breathe w/o your oxygen on?" but...when you're as dumb as these people.....they don't warrant being given anymore attention then I've paid to them already. I even had a prof ask me when my transplant would be, and when i informed her i didn't know b/c someone had to die, she looked at me like I had kicked her up her uterus.
Don't get me wrong, you can't blame some people for just being ignorant and stupid. I know people don't live, eat, and breathe transplant the way I have to, so I can understand to an extent. But asking someone when they're going to be getting a transplant is kind of like asking a healthy person when they're going to have a heart attack in the future (if they even do). The answer is: I simply don't know.
Also, to add to this already long blog, I had a visit from Karyn lastnight in my dream. Today is 4 years exactly that she had her aneurysm and car accident. It was the last time that I ever spoke to her. Actually, as I look at the clock right now, this was the exact time of our last conversation. I am not overwhelmed with saddess the way I used to be. It's kind of bittersweet. In my dream, me, Krystal, Tara, and Jess were sitting around talking about Karyn. For some reason I was really emotional and crying hysterically. Then, Karyn's mum let us inside and we went to her room. On her bed was a brand new pic of her that I had never seen before. It was one of those Harry Potter like pictures where the ppl in it are moving and interacting. Well Karyn was smiling and waving and pointing at us. Then, she started writing something on the frame.
In black writing, she had written: "I miss you guys".
And with that, she smiled, and turned, and I woke up.
Again I was overcome with the same feeling that I get when I've had dreams about her before. They're different from regular dreams when you KNOW you're dreaming. You can actually feel that someone was there. It was amazing.
And with that chickies, I must close this long blog! Hope you're warm - it's a cold nasty bitch outside!
Cheers,
Bree:)
Friday, July 6, 2007
Bunnies
*I originally posted this at the board in June, but it's really special to me and deserves a spot here. It is way too precious and dear to me to ever lose*
One of my best friends Karyn died when I was in my last year of high school. She had a brain aneurysm two days before her 18th birthday. She was driving her boyfriend home when it happened. They were stopped at a red light when she began to have a seizure. Her foot went on the gas and they went through. Her boyfriend tried to grab the steering wheel from her, but they got hit on her side by an on-coming transport truck. The car drove head-on into a street pole. Karyn lived for a week, but had another brain aneurysm at 8:30 in the morning on January 27th, 2004. She died. Her boyfriend lived for another 5 months in a coma, but eventually his body just wore out, and he died 3 years ago exactly today. I didn't really know her boyfriend, but I miss Karyn tremendously.
The summer before she died, Karyn and I got really close. I remember how we made a pact that if anything ever happened to one of us (meaning, for some bizarre reason one of us died), we would come back and let the other know. It seemed so innocent at the time, but you never expect something like that to ever happen. 3 hours before Karyn had her aneurysm, we were talking on MSN. We never said goodbye. Our conversation just kind of trailed off and we both got occupied doing other stuff. I am not sad we never said goodbye, b/c it has left the window open to start talking again. Goodbye is so final. If you don't say goodbye, it leaves the conversation open to begin again. I am thankful that is the case.
About a year after Karyn died. i went back to my usual part-time Christmas job. Strangely enough, it turns out Karyn's cousin was working there too. I had never met her before, and had only ever seen her in pictures Karyn had shown me prior to her passing. To be honest, I wouldn't have recognized her has another employee not told me who she was. Long story short, we became friends, and now, about 2 years later, her cousin is one of the best friends I could ever have. She even gave me the title of 'aunt' to her daughter that she had a few months after we met!
A month after her daughter was born, we went to the cemetary to see Karyn. As we were leaving, we almost drove over a bunny that came out of no where. It was the middle of Feb and bunnies are usually hibernating then, so needless to say it was weird. I screamed out, "BUNNY!" and she slammed on her breaks. About 5 minutes later and 1 km into the cemetary, the exact same bunny ran in front of our car again. I screamed, "BUNNY!" for the second time, and Jess merely avoided hitting the creature. I joked, "Maybe it's a sign from Karyn!". Jess's face was still for a moment and i remember it soon lit up. She said, "Omg! It so is! I have never seen as many bunnies as much as I have until I met you!". I thought that was weird. Then she said, "Karyn used to always call me Rabbit."
A week later was her daughter's baby shower. As we became informed that we both illegally were blocking a fire hydrant, we had to brave the cold and move the cars. As we were moving then Jess honked and pointed. In the lawn across the street was a bunny staring at us. We just laughed and smiled.
That summer we went up to her cottage. We were walking through a small bit of grass to the showers when low and behold, I spotted a bunny. So me and my big mouth yelled, "BUNNY!" and i pointed like a total 4 year old. I remember Jess saying, "I have never seen a bunny up here before. When Karyn and I would come up here as kids even, we've just never seen them. I only see bunnies when I'm with you."
This year, on the 27th of January (the 3 year anniversary of Karyn's passing) i was on my way to a friend's 21st birthday (Tara's b-day falls on the same day.) As i stood in my garage and watched the door slowly open, i stepped out to my car. Sitting on the sidewalk staring at me was little bunny. Just sitting by itself in the middle of the sidewalk. I looked at it and it took off down the street. I smiled and finally said, "Hi Karyn"
I have seen them countless times since. Not all the time but I always see them at the most random of times. Today when I was driving to work I was kind of upset. I had a bad sleep b/c my room was so hot, and I was just upset about my lungs in general. As I was driving down a country road I almost sped passed a school bus that had stopped to let some kids on. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention, but i did stop eventually. As I was waiting, I looked out the passengers side window, and low and behold, what did i see? A little bunny at the edge of the feild just looking at me. I smiled and realized it was ok to drive again, and as I drove away, the bunny dashed back into the feild.
I guess the point of this whole long blog is that no matter how sad and lonely you may feel sometimes, there is always someone there watching out for you, regardless of if they're here or not. When you just feel so alone and so sad, take a moment to spot the little signs that somehow, somewhere, someone is with you, watching over you, and making it better. You are never alone, no matter how lonely it may feel.
So I want to say 'thank you' Karyn, where ever you are, and whenever we may meet again, thank you for being here and letting me know that things will be ok, and that you've always got my back. Even though death may separate us, you have kept our high school pact. You truely are an amaznig person. I miss you so much, but just know that you help me out in so many way.
I'll see you in my dreams. Love, Bree
One of my best friends Karyn died when I was in my last year of high school. She had a brain aneurysm two days before her 18th birthday. She was driving her boyfriend home when it happened. They were stopped at a red light when she began to have a seizure. Her foot went on the gas and they went through. Her boyfriend tried to grab the steering wheel from her, but they got hit on her side by an on-coming transport truck. The car drove head-on into a street pole. Karyn lived for a week, but had another brain aneurysm at 8:30 in the morning on January 27th, 2004. She died. Her boyfriend lived for another 5 months in a coma, but eventually his body just wore out, and he died 3 years ago exactly today. I didn't really know her boyfriend, but I miss Karyn tremendously.
The summer before she died, Karyn and I got really close. I remember how we made a pact that if anything ever happened to one of us (meaning, for some bizarre reason one of us died), we would come back and let the other know. It seemed so innocent at the time, but you never expect something like that to ever happen. 3 hours before Karyn had her aneurysm, we were talking on MSN. We never said goodbye. Our conversation just kind of trailed off and we both got occupied doing other stuff. I am not sad we never said goodbye, b/c it has left the window open to start talking again. Goodbye is so final. If you don't say goodbye, it leaves the conversation open to begin again. I am thankful that is the case.
About a year after Karyn died. i went back to my usual part-time Christmas job. Strangely enough, it turns out Karyn's cousin was working there too. I had never met her before, and had only ever seen her in pictures Karyn had shown me prior to her passing. To be honest, I wouldn't have recognized her has another employee not told me who she was. Long story short, we became friends, and now, about 2 years later, her cousin is one of the best friends I could ever have. She even gave me the title of 'aunt' to her daughter that she had a few months after we met!
A month after her daughter was born, we went to the cemetary to see Karyn. As we were leaving, we almost drove over a bunny that came out of no where. It was the middle of Feb and bunnies are usually hibernating then, so needless to say it was weird. I screamed out, "BUNNY!" and she slammed on her breaks. About 5 minutes later and 1 km into the cemetary, the exact same bunny ran in front of our car again. I screamed, "BUNNY!" for the second time, and Jess merely avoided hitting the creature. I joked, "Maybe it's a sign from Karyn!". Jess's face was still for a moment and i remember it soon lit up. She said, "Omg! It so is! I have never seen as many bunnies as much as I have until I met you!". I thought that was weird. Then she said, "Karyn used to always call me Rabbit."
A week later was her daughter's baby shower. As we became informed that we both illegally were blocking a fire hydrant, we had to brave the cold and move the cars. As we were moving then Jess honked and pointed. In the lawn across the street was a bunny staring at us. We just laughed and smiled.
That summer we went up to her cottage. We were walking through a small bit of grass to the showers when low and behold, I spotted a bunny. So me and my big mouth yelled, "BUNNY!" and i pointed like a total 4 year old. I remember Jess saying, "I have never seen a bunny up here before. When Karyn and I would come up here as kids even, we've just never seen them. I only see bunnies when I'm with you."
This year, on the 27th of January (the 3 year anniversary of Karyn's passing) i was on my way to a friend's 21st birthday (Tara's b-day falls on the same day.) As i stood in my garage and watched the door slowly open, i stepped out to my car. Sitting on the sidewalk staring at me was little bunny. Just sitting by itself in the middle of the sidewalk. I looked at it and it took off down the street. I smiled and finally said, "Hi Karyn"
I have seen them countless times since. Not all the time but I always see them at the most random of times. Today when I was driving to work I was kind of upset. I had a bad sleep b/c my room was so hot, and I was just upset about my lungs in general. As I was driving down a country road I almost sped passed a school bus that had stopped to let some kids on. I guess I wasn't paying enough attention, but i did stop eventually. As I was waiting, I looked out the passengers side window, and low and behold, what did i see? A little bunny at the edge of the feild just looking at me. I smiled and realized it was ok to drive again, and as I drove away, the bunny dashed back into the feild.
I guess the point of this whole long blog is that no matter how sad and lonely you may feel sometimes, there is always someone there watching out for you, regardless of if they're here or not. When you just feel so alone and so sad, take a moment to spot the little signs that somehow, somewhere, someone is with you, watching over you, and making it better. You are never alone, no matter how lonely it may feel.
So I want to say 'thank you' Karyn, where ever you are, and whenever we may meet again, thank you for being here and letting me know that things will be ok, and that you've always got my back. Even though death may separate us, you have kept our high school pact. You truely are an amaznig person. I miss you so much, but just know that you help me out in so many way.
I'll see you in my dreams. Love, Bree
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