I've had thoughts of wanting to die since about January.
Not all the time, but on and off. And i beleive these thoughts came along with the ex and his negative attitude as well as having too much time on my hands, that all I did was focus on the fact that it was winter, that i hated the weather, didn't have a job, or money, and there was no end in sight to any and all things depressing.
I found that once i was occupied, I didn't have these thoughts and things were perfectly fine. As long as I had something to occupy my time with, I was completely fine.
The last week has been nothing but positive.
Then last night, a thought about wanting to die crept up on me.
Why? I don't know. Probably because we're getting a raging snow storm, and I was dwelling on stupid shit like what I"m doing to do for a living once I'm older (but what 24 year old doesn't worry about that?). And then, ut of the blue, I got a sign.
Mum and I were driving home, in the middle of a blazing, blowing snowstorm. We pulled onto our steet and in the middle of our driveway, amidst the blowing snow and snowdrifts, was a bunny.
Just sitting there calmly.
Staring at us.
A sign. From Karyn. That all will be ok, and that I needn't have these thoughts all because I don't know what I want to do with my life. It's ok to be worried and scared, but it is not ok to dwell on them to the point that I want an escape through death. Not that i want to die now, because i don't, but i was thinking maybe in 10 years so I wouldn't have to pay bills, lol.
The last time I saw a bunny was the 16th, the day of my bronch. It ran in front of the car on the way to Toronto.
You know you've got true friends when the pact you made the summer you were 17 holds true. Karyn and I sat in my basement, and she said to me that if anything ever happend to one of us (meaning, one of us died) that we would come back and let the other one know.
She has held onto her end of the promise countless times.
I found myself semi-depressed today on account of the snowstorm and not having anything to do. Since my sister moved out of the house in August, her room's been vacant and got a brand new double bed. The idea of me moving into her room has been tossed around countless times, and today, I jumped at the chance and moved all my shit into my sisters room.
And i feel wonderful.
And I don't want to die.
I know that I'm not depressed, but I know that when I have too much free time that ill-thoughts creep up on me. I know I am not the only one to experience such thoughts and feelings, and if there's anything I hate more than mental oppression, it's when this stuff happens and no one speaks up about it. Yes, transplant is wonderful, but there are mental downsides that I feel people sweep under the rug.
I won't sweep this under the rug. If any tx friends are reading this and have had similar thoughts, i want you to know that they are shared and you are not alone. Please leave a comment or post in the guestbook. I'd love feedback!
So anywho, moving rooms changed my attitude. So much shit went down in my old room - illness, dying, death, breakups - just too much negativity that it was good to get out and have a fresh start. Admittedly, I was slightly afraid that i would miss it (silly, eh?) but you gotta grow up and move on at some point. Mainly, my fear was that i'd miss my bed too much because it's soooooo damn comfy. But my awesome pillows will come with me so that's good! The room itself is on the dark side (butterscotch), and my sisters room is a light yellow. It's bright, and happy and cheery and positive, which is what i need. I made the right choice and am sitting on my new bed, in my new room, writing this entry and feeling completely happy:)
Another thing to be thrilled about!
Got a call from my co-ordinator today and my latest bronch results yielded NO REJECTION. As a result, my pred dose is going down as follows:
For the next month(till March 26th) it will be 12.5mg daily.
From March 26-April 26th it will go to 10mg.
From April 26th to my 9 month assessment, it will alternate daily from 10mg to 7.5mg.
I have nothing to want to die over in retrospect.
I have no rejection. My lung function is 98%. I have a job. I'm back in school. I'm having the time of my life.
I am alive.
It's amazing the power of the mind. It's amazing how someone else's shit can bring you so low that after all I've been through that the thought of having a future made me miserable.
I AM ALIVE.
I am out of my rut. Finally.