Out of the rut! Confessions

I've had thoughts of wanting to die since about January.

Not all the time, but on and off. And i beleive these thoughts came along with the ex and his negative attitude as well as having too much time on my hands, that all I did was focus on the fact that it was winter, that i hated the weather, didn't have a job, or money, and there was no end in sight to any and all things depressing.

I found that once i was occupied, I didn't have these thoughts and things were perfectly fine. As long as I had something to occupy my time with, I was completely fine.

The last week has been nothing but positive.

Then last night, a thought about wanting to die crept up on me.

Why? I don't know. Probably because we're getting a raging snow storm, and I was dwelling on stupid shit like what I"m doing to do for a living once I'm older (but what 24 year old doesn't worry about that?). And then, ut of the blue, I got a sign.

Mum and I were driving home, in the middle of a blazing, blowing snowstorm. We pulled onto our steet and in the middle of our driveway, amidst the blowing snow and snowdrifts, was a bunny.

Just sitting there calmly.

Staring at us.

A sign. From Karyn. That all will be ok, and that I needn't have these thoughts all because I don't know what I want to do with my life. It's ok to be worried and scared, but it is not ok to dwell on them to the point that I want an escape through death. Not that i want to die now, because i don't, but i was thinking maybe in 10 years so I wouldn't have to pay bills, lol.

Stupid eh?

The last time I saw a bunny was the 16th, the day of my bronch. It ran in front of the car on the way to Toronto.

You know you've got true friends when the pact you made the summer you were 17 holds true. Karyn and I sat in my basement, and she said to me that if anything ever happend to one of us (meaning, one of us died) that we would come back and let the other one know.

She has held onto her end of the promise countless times.

I found myself semi-depressed today on account of the snowstorm and not having anything to do. Since my sister moved out of the house in August, her room's been vacant and got a brand new double bed. The idea of me moving into her room has been tossed around countless times, and today, I jumped at the chance and moved all my shit into my sisters room.

And i feel wonderful.

And I don't want to die.

I know that I'm not depressed, but I know that when I have too much free time that ill-thoughts creep up on me. I know I am not the only one to experience such thoughts and feelings, and if there's anything I hate more than mental oppression, it's when this stuff happens and no one speaks up about it. Yes, transplant is wonderful, but there are mental downsides that I feel people sweep under the rug.

I won't sweep this under the rug. If any tx friends are reading this and have had similar thoughts, i want you to know that they are shared and you are not alone. Please leave a comment or post in the guestbook. I'd love feedback!

So anywho, moving rooms changed my attitude. So much shit went down in my old room - illness, dying, death, breakups - just too much negativity that it was good to get out and have a fresh start. Admittedly, I was slightly afraid that i would miss it (silly, eh?) but you gotta grow up and move on at some point. Mainly, my fear was that i'd miss my bed too much because it's soooooo damn comfy. But my awesome pillows will come with me so that's good! The room itself is on the dark side (butterscotch), and my sisters room is a light yellow. It's bright, and happy and cheery and positive, which is what i need. I made the right choice and am sitting on my new bed, in my new room, writing this entry and feeling completely happy:)

AND!

Another thing to be thrilled about!

Got a call from my co-ordinator today and my latest bronch results yielded NO REJECTION. As a result, my pred dose is going down as follows:

For the next month(till March 26th) it will be 12.5mg daily.

From March 26-April 26th it will go to 10mg.

From April 26th to my 9 month assessment, it will alternate daily from 10mg to 7.5mg.

So voila.

I have nothing to want to die over in retrospect.

I have no rejection. My lung function is 98%. I have a job. I'm back in school. I'm having the time of my life.

I am alive.

It's amazing the power of the mind. It's amazing how someone else's shit can bring you so low that after all I've been through that the thought of having a future made me miserable.

NEVER AGAIN.

I AM ALIVE.

I am out of my rut. Finally.

New beginnings.

Cause for a Celebration

**UPDATE**

Well, I had my PFTs done locally today, and this is cause for another celebration folks. Hold onto your extremeties please.

98%

Yup. That's right!

98 per fucking cent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHH!

Dance with me people!

And this is ontop of having strep. pneumonia apparently? WOW! I FEEL FAB!!

Proceed....

***

You may be wondering why I am up at 7:38 in the morning.

Truth be told, I have been going to bed earlier these last few days and as a result, am not waking up at my usual 9-10am, which honestly, is better because it means i wake up and am ready for the day! Remember, greet each day like a puppy and I guess in true fashion, I am thus waking up at early hours just like one.

Anywho, onto my exciting news:

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's only a reception job at the gym i go to ( a high end one though! If you watch the Young and Restless, it's kind've like that), but still...I'm one step closer to making my stamp on the world and contributing to society now! I'm elated! Over the mood! I beleive when word got to me that I got a 'glowing review" from them that I actually danced on the steps, thus inevitably dropping my phone in the process. I'm so excited to finally have something to do! YAY! It's 40 hours a week so I will be busy, but anyone who's been in my situation will know that this is so exciting, to finally be getting out of the house and having something to do. In a weird way, it takes me back to 3 summers' ago when I started this blog (that long already?) and I worked an office job...the early hours....long days...but that overall sensation of tiredness that greets you at the end. In a way, it is what I am looking forward to the most because it means I have accomplished something, that I have done something productive with my time and I have contributed somehow. I dunno...maybe I am a freak, but for those of you out there who hate your jobs, maybe take a little something from this and relish it for those of us who are/were trapped in their houses due to illness.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure in no time I'll be like, "why did I want all my free time to end?", and will be complaining about how i have none, and all i do is work, but in this moment, I'm so excited to just be able to wake up in the morning and go, and get things done. I find I am happiest when I am out of the house doing something so lets hope that this good feeling about the job lasts! I CAN FEEL SPRING COMING!!!!!!!!!

So as a result, I beleive this calls for a celebration. I've had it in my mind these last few days that I would like to buy a flowy skirt. Where to get one (since it's the end of winter and all) remains to be seen, but i'm sure in time I will find one. I'm not sure of the dresswear for the job yet - if i'm wearing office attire (like dress pants and nice tops) or if i'll be dressed down like everyone else who wears official gym clothes (i'll be happy with either to be honest), so i guess i have to wait and see. So in the mean time, I will settle for a trip to Shoppers drugmart to buy some new blush and lipstick and/or gloss and maybe some eyeshadow.

Ca va?

Ca va! :)

On a creepy note, i was awoken this morning with that scary James Blunt song "Mad World" or w/e in my head, from that new movie "The Crazies" that's coming out.

That song is officially the epitome of creepy to me now. Wtf?

But...

YAY FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Universal Plague

There is a universal plague out there today, affecting and afflicting everyone.

It is called exhaustion.

It is the result of the relentless snow that is falling outside my window.

Goodbye spring time, hello winter time.

Please go away.

Why did you chase away my energy? Why did you steal everyone else's like a Grinch?

Well you did, and we would like ours back.

I layed on the couch this aft, torn between drinking my tea and my pop, and i realized that i barely had the energy to extend my arm to grab either. My tea-addict friend Robert suggested I get a tea-IV. I suggested it go in my neck to yield greater results to reach my system sooner.

So far, the combination of tea and pop is restoring my good senses, but my legs are completely zapped of any and all energy.

I have consumed the remaining box of Ferraro Roches that were living on the coffee table.

I felt it necessary to declare to my friends that i hunker down like a vampire and close all the window shades and live as if i am in a cave, since that is how we are all feeling today.

I cannot be peeled off the couch.

I am stuck. No energy flows through me. I am crippled and immobile.

All because the snow is falling.

All because it chased away the spring time.

All because we are thrust back into winter, and we are just ready to move on.

What happened to yesterday, with the +10 degree weather? (that's around 50F for you americans).

So here we sit, amist the snow...

The Universal Plague.

In other news, i got some results back from my bronch last week.

I have streppocaucous pneumonia?

Apparently.

I had no idea; I feel fine. I went for a frigging epic walk yesterday and wasn't held back in the least. The co-ordinator didn't sound too concerned, so I'm assuming it's been caught early. I am on azithromycin for 7 days, 2 pills daily so i guess it can't be that bad!

Plague. Again.

Will use this as an excuse to lay on couch and do nothing.

I blame strep pneumonia and the falling snow for my current state.

Tea has run out. Must make more.

Let me break it down for ya

I got out of breath today, but it was the good kind. It was because i was taking advantage of the gorgeous weather and took Madyson for a walk. I asked her, after we left the forest, if she wanted to go straight of go up the hill.

I wanted to go up the hill.

She opted for the hill.

So we up.

Up and up and up.

It's not like pre-tx where you're out of breath 90% of the time, struggling to catch the slightest bit of air.

Let me break it down for ya.

Pre-tx out of breathness:
You struggle
You gasp
You huff and you puff and you pant
to the point of exhaustion
to the point of dizziness
there is no way out
struggling to not succumb to the darkness of unconsciousness that creeps up behind your shoulders
to catch you as you fall
you try not to pass out
but it's easier said than done
lungs that don't inflate
lungs that don't deflate
they flutter
they fail
and you struggle
you suffocate
you cannot catch a break
you cannot breathe
you need to sit down
but it doesn't help
so you suffer some more
until it decides
to subside
on its own terms

There is no calm.

Post-tx out of breathness:
slowly
like a slow rainfall leaking from the sky
it doesn't built up and impound itself on to you
but rather trickles
not suffocate
there is no panting
no gasping
take a deep breath in through your nose
and out through your nose
in out
in out
deep
hold your breath
let it out slowly
you are in control
take a deep breath in and let it out slowly
let the half-panic subside
because you slightly out of breath from exercsion
not because you are dying
not because your lungs are failing you
but because they are healthy
and this is normal
reach the top of the hill
breathe deep in through your nose
and out through your mouth
you don't need to stop
you don't need to sit
just breathe deep
and calm yourself
and as soon as this sensation greeted you
it leaves you
and you are ok
and your heart is normal
it will not beat its way out of your chest
the way it always tried to
it will not leave you for dead
your lungs are healthy
and you are alive
they are expanding and working in your back
filtering your body with beautiful air
the way they did for your beautiful donor
for as long as they had them
they are mine now
and we are ok
and we are out of breath for normal reasons

Not because death is chasing us around the corner.

Revelations of a Break-Up

I decided today that I would wake up each day and greet it like a puppy. If you've never observed a puppy or a dog in the morning, I guess I need to elaborate. The first thing a dog does when you (and they) wake up is greet you with an enthusiasm that's equivalent to a cannon ball being thrust at you. Their sheer excitement and lust for the day can sometimes be astounding, and their excitement for all things life should probably be contageous all the time.

As I sat in the dining room at 7:30 am, I observed the Spawn, eternally running in circles of joy for the day that's ahead of her, for the sight of mum and dad when they wake up (or she wakes them up on her own terms), for her stomach, or for the first pee of the day, and I thought to myself, "she knows something....i could take a cue from her."

Day in and day out, regardless of the weather, regardless of if she got bitten in the face by Madyson, or grabbed from the cat who so bitchingly was hiding in her lair beneath the couch, the Spawn (she does have a name, it's Brooke) greets every single day with enthusiasm and joy. An enthusiasm and joy for something that she probably doesn't understand. And i realized, that i should do the same. Because there's no reason not to.

Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. I won't go into details, but i will say that a constant negative attitude on their end was the final nail in the coffin. I beleive that I allowed that attitude to rub off on me and caused me myself to be miserable some days for unwarranted reasons. And in good-friend fashion, it took a close friend to mention my attitude change to me for me to realize (tho i hadn't been feeling the relationship in a while, for other reasons too), that something had to change.

"Bree," she more or less said, "do you want me to be honest?"
"Yes," I said. "Be as honest as possible."
"You havent been yourself. You've been miserable and bummed out for no reason lately. You just had a transplant; you should be elated and ectatic every minute of every day! You got your life back! You shouldn't be down for no reason."

And that's when the lightbulb went off.

So i spent a few long days thinking about it, and while it hurt me to do, it had to be done, and I felt relief. I woke up today with a weight off my shoulders and a renewed zest for life. It's a Saturday, and I woke up at 7:15am and decided to work on my paper that isn't due until Wednesday at midnight, and I feel happy.

I feel happy.

I am happy.

I choose to greet today, tomorrow, and the next day, like a puppy...like our mentally retarded Spawn who runs in circles of joy. I choose to smile at the tiny spot of sunshine that creeps in through the window, and I choose to extract its warmth and relish it the way my Heidi Speidi does, in snatches of sleepy moments when she has no idea that I am watching. I choose to be spontaneous and silly at inappropriate moments like my Pig and Madyson, and I choose to find elation in the slow moments that allow me to just chill out and be zen like our old dog Casey.

And at the end of the day, I choose to live with joy. Joy for myself, for my donor, and for those who can't experience life to its fullest quite just yet.

And I won't let anyone bring me down.

So for all of you who are out there reading this, who have pets...take a cue from them, and allow yourself to be silly and happy, because sometimes, you don't need a concrete reason to be. Sometimes.....just be.

And my rainbow socks

I woke up in a very happy mood today. 8:45 gave me just enough time to get ready for my job interview at 10am! I showered, dried off, got my moisturizer put on, put my makeup on and got pretty, and added a little blush for Eva (who, if you read her blog the other day, is still achored to this beautiful earth). Like i've said before, I don't know Eva and have never spoken to her, but she's just so heartbreakingly inspiring....So yeah, i channelled all her positive energy and zest for life and thought of her during my interview and it paid off, BECAUSE I GOT A SECOND INTERVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited i can barely contain myself! I won't go into further detail because I don't want to jinx anything! I will find out Monday when the next interview is, and until then, fingers crossed that this job is mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It'll be a lot of hours - 40 a week - but it's better than sitting at home picking my bum doing nothing!! WEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Hopefully, if I get the job, it'll be after this wretched leach of a paper that i just can't seem to concentrate on is done. Ugh. Seniors and sexuality. Are old people having sex? Are old people fucking? Are they finding joy in one another's wrinkles and aged genitalia? Ew. Yeah. Thanks for that.

Um....

Needless to say, I came home, ran up the stairs, and did a little dance at the top and then put my grey sweatpants on. I continued to dance in my purple shirt, my tight grey sweatpants with my black spaghetti strap peeking through underneath, with my makeup on and blushed cheeks blazing. Breathing. Thinking. Dancing for myself. Dancing for Eva.

All inspiration.

And in my rainbow socks.

Here's my glamour shot, in support of Eva.

A-fucking-gain!?!

Today saw my 6 months bronchoscopy which went off without a hitch! No real bleeding afterwards or anything, just lots of tiredness and my stomach feels like utter shart. Which is unfortunate, because it's Pancake Tuesday and I really was looking forward to consuming a boat load of pancakes in celebration. But alas, I'm settling for a cuppa and some Liptons soup, as I do not want to vomit Fentynil and pancakes all over the house.

Today I had a douchebag for a nurse whilst in recovery. And I do beleive that when I looked at her nurses tag she didn't have an actual name but that rather her name read "Douche Bag". I was in and out of it, got scolded for drifting 'too much' to sleep and letting my sats slip to 89% because my nose was stuffed and my face was partially smooshed into the hosptial pillow, but i didn't give a shit either way.

Then. THEN! The best part! Nurse Douche Bag straggles along after i get the all-clear to fuck off, and she de-accesses my port without flushing or heparin locking it!!!!!!!!!!! And this was after i reminded her to flush and hep. lock it!

FOR FUCKS SAKE!

So then she had to go and find an older, more competent nurse who knew what to do, who promptly had to reaccess it, flush it, hep. lock it, de-access it, and set me free into the world. Me, i stumbled down the recovery hall like a drunk, angry and pissed off and feeling like I would imminently puke all over the walls. Grumpily, i got dressed in the change room and didn't even both to close the door because i was just so mad that I didn't care.

So yea...day went off without a hitch 'cept for this douchebag.

This is not the end for you

it can't be.

I've spent hours pouring over Eva's blog, and I refuse to beleive that this is the end for her.

It can't be.

She's too colourful. Too vibrant. Too beautiful to leave this world.

It simply can't be true.

It breaks my heart more than you could know, and I don't even know Eva - just 'know' her through her LJ and from what I've seen on Facebook.

Can your heart be broken by someone you don't even know? Yes. I beleive you can be touched by people at large, from far and wide, by their situation alone. And my brain just can't wrap itself around the notion that she could leave this planet at any moment. I pray and wish for a miracle to come her way, to sweep her up and and encompass her, and to restore her life to what it was and all the potentials that it has to be.

This can't be true.

Can one accept this fate for themselves? I guess so...because in August, the week I got my call/transplant, I knew full-well that I was dying and I finalized a lot of stuff. The week of August 7th I caught up on emails, phone calls, texts, blogs, baking, let everyone know how much I loved them, and poof, the call came.

Will the same happen for Eva? I hope and pray it does. She cannot leave - she has impacted too many people. She is too special, I feel. Too many people love her, and hopefully that love is enough to tether her to the planet until another pair of lungs come along. But at the same time, maybe that is entirely selfish of me...from someone who has never met her because she is on the other side of the country from me.

Hmm..

So to Eva, from someone who has never met you, but from someone who has been deeply impacted by your story, by your fight, by your joy and zest for life, please don't go. You're a wonderful, beautiful, exceptional creature and there is much more for you to acheive and accomplish and to live for. That is my prayer and wish for you. Many people love you - whether they know you personally or not - you have managed to touch the world at large through your words and your story spoken through your fingertips on your LJ.

Please don't go.

This is not the end for you.

Love love love.

Tra-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaaaaa

LoveLoveLove

The Pig and I

The Heidi Speidi and I

New port being accessed!

Pancakes in the shape of lungs!

Moi - au jourdoi

Confessions: To Live to Die

Do we live to die?

In short, yes. Which is why i'm finding this whole, "i'm-completely-healthy-for-once-in-my-life" dealio extremely daunting and scary, because to be honest, I don't know how to live without the fact that i am/was dying behind me.

Is that insane?

Am I insane?

It's a weird balance....and I had an epiphany today and i abolished this scary thought and made it scramble all away so i could reach a place of happiness within my brain.

Of course, this happened in the shower.

All good thoughts occur in the shower.

So there I was, freaking out over the appt I had with a career councellor at the uni, over the thought of more schooling, and more this, and more that, and it was all daunting and not something that I am ready to do no do i have the energy...and I thought, with my health, I have enough stress in my life, but it's the kind of stress I am used to and that I know how to deal with. But schooling and a high powered career is not something that I think i have the mental energy to put forth...so it was then, as i stood in the shower, that my epiphany came to me, and i came to the realization that things will be so much easier if i opened my own tea shop.

So that's what i'm gonna do. I don't really care about making lots of money (obviously I want money), but it's not the be-all and end-all to my happiness. I want a relatively stress-free job, that allows me to balanace both my health and my career, and working as a youth councellor - while i would love to do that - seems like it would be a lot of work and at the moment, I am not prepared to take that on.

Which raises the question: why the eff am i putting so much pressure on myself? I don't really know...I really really don't. It's when my brain reaches this kind scariness that i think dying would've been easier in a way...because life is scary, but dying is such a cop-out in a way....but at the same time, it's all I know how to do.....live to die, right? I guess it takes time...there is no rush...I am young and have all the time in the world, and I need to chill out and just take things one day at a time.

Blah.

Um...

I have my 6 months bronch on Tuesday...that will go well and things will go fine....My blood work from Monday came back completely normal which is good...weight is still the same. Amy is recovering well...she's still in ICU but she spent 3 hours in a chair, had the majority of her chest tubes removed, and will look into beginning to walk soon! So that's fab!

Basically, in all of this, I need a hobby, yes?

Yes.

Before i end this bizarre and random blog, please go to the side bar and go to Eva's blog. Send your prayers and love. Thatt's all I will say. She needs them.

Peacing out for now. Chilling out for later!

And yes, I am wearing my CANADA Olympic sweater and will watch the opening ceremonies with the bf tonight.

6 months, 2 days, 1 assessment later!

Welp, 2 days ago i reached the 6 months mark!!!!!! I didn't really celebrate in any way, shape or form, but just the simple fact that i can move w/o having the breath sucked out of me was kind of enough!

Yesterday was my 6 months assessment, which had me getting bloods done, xrays, ct scan, pfts with blood gas (which failed when my artery decided to have a spaz when the big huge needle was in it), and finally clinic. Clinic was fab! PFTs are steady at 72%, all my blood work is completely normal, and best of all: I DON'T NEED TO GO BACK UNTIL MY 9 MONTHS ASSESSMENT AND CAN NOW GET MY PFTS AND BLOOD DONE LOCALLY ONCE A MONTH INSTEAD OF EVERY TWO WEEKS!

HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*throws confetti*

I also met with some very fabulous people, Thara and Jason! We were gonna go visit Amy but she is still in ICU (steady and recovering, although a little slow but that's ok!) so we couldn't. However, I'm thinking of visiting her next week after my bronch so i hope it works out! i have lots of bring her! :) Meeting with Thara and Jason was great, it was nice to finally talk to them in person as opposed to always on Facebook and whatnot.

Mentally, I have been feeling better. I was worried I was depressed but realized that these feelings only come when i choose to isolate myself and not get up and actively do things, b/c when i'm occupied, I am totally fine. It's when i sit on my ass and have nothing to do but think that my mind starts to get to me, because you tend to over think. I used to think that I would always hate being busy (hate being busy pre-tx because it took all my energy), but after yetserdays long (though exhausting - the good kind of exhausting) day, i felt WONDERFUL! So i'm realizing, i HAVE to keep myself occupied like a normal person instead of sitting and dwelling. Sure, we all have those days, but in order for myself to be happier, i need to keep busy and that's ok...there will always be 'me time'.

So this is what i've done today:
- 2 loads of laundry
- took in prescriptions
- picked up prescriptions
- paid a parking ticket (don't tell my dad)
- got the mail (no mail-ables from Alex yet, boo, quel dommage)
- posted an online discussion for school
- looked at school shit
- garbage b/c it's garbage night
- will look into making supper
- got tea
- blogged
- will make another tea to keep me functioning
- will see the boyfriend tonight
- applied for jobs

So, i've managed to keep myself busy. I am happier when I am out doing stuff, and seeing as today was relatively warm for a February's day, it was good! I hauled ass, walked dowtown to pay the unmentionable parking ticket, walked to get the mail ... so all is good!! And now it is almost 4pm and the day is coming to a close! HURRAY!

I'm pretty sure i had other shit to write about but i can't quite remember. But that's ok.

So yes, sometimes you have to force yourself to do things but you always end up feeling better afterwards! YAY!:)

HAPPY 6 MONTHS TO ME!

And to keep my going i remind myself that in one month it will be SPRING TIME and the next time I'm at TGH (which i miss, sadly), it will be MAY! YAY!!!!!

Post-tx life is like...

a breakup.

They say that when it comes to a break up, that it takes roughly half the length of time that you dated the person to fully get over them. So if you dated for 4 years, it would take about 2 years to get over them.

Compredre? Good.

I'm choosing to view post-tx life in the same way, b/c to be honest, I'm having trouble coming to terms with being 'normal'. I spent so much time being busy dying, that I failed to ever register what it truely means to be normal. So the way i see it, I spent 2 years dying, maybe it will take me a full year to be normal. Initially, I was going to say that since I was on the list for 15 months, it would take me about 7.5 months to feel normal, but to be honest, that's coming up and i'm probably feeling the least normal that one could possibly feel. So i'm gonna go with, "well, I was busy dying for 2 years, so it's going to take an additional year for me to come to terms with being normal and not dying. So yeah....fuck you" kinda sentiment.

I think that's very good.

I always knew that post-tx i would struggle mentally, just coming to terms with a new way of life. If you've never spent a significant portion of your life dying, then you won't understand that it really does consume you heart and soul. You spend all your time preserving energy, and not doing anything, and becoming accustomed to not doing anything, that once you're able to, you don't really know how to function and go about doing normal things. So you sit, and you get bored, and you think about the fact that you're a total loser b/c you can't come to terms with yor new life, and you see everyone around you doing normal people things, like working (good jobs too) and going to school, and balancing it all, that you sit and wonder, 'how the fuck do i do that? how can i do what they do?' and then i realized, 'idiot, you just had an effing transplant 5-6 months ago: IT TAKES TIME!'

I constantly need to remind myself of this fact. I seem to think that I need to be moving at lightning speed and be up to par with everyone, and to be honest, half the time, I don't have the energy to. I know a huge portion is the medication, another portion is the weather (winter sucks and needs to die), and all that. My issue is getting motivated to do stuff...b/c once i do stuff i feel fine...it's just getting started. I'm enjoying school a bit more so that's good. This week was horrible: had no motivation, wanted to be eaten and lost in the couch or my bed and not move...i felt like a sloth embedded and encrusted in mud. I beleive i even resorted to sitting on the floor in the shower one day b/c I just couldn't bring myself to stand any longer.

I got my monthly IV today and i feel tons better, and I know that's another reason for feeling sloth-like. Used my port and it worked fab! Got a pic of it accessed and will post it, as well I will get another pic of my fingers to showcase how they are healing. It looks like soft, incredibly vulnerable baby skin. And it's wrinkly. But back to my IV, i'm gonna ask at my assessment on Monday if it would be ok for me to get my IV every 3 weeks instead of 4 to see if that helps? The week that i go for my IV i just feel like a total zombie and it sucks. I hate feeling like this, so I will ask!

Um what else? Also responsible for restoring me from being a zombie to being a human again, as always, is tea. Tho, i've had 3 teas from Tims today (from the hosp) and they all tasted like utter crap which is extremely upsetting to me. I like English breakfast and quite frankly, either the chick at Tims has something against me, or someone snuck in some cinnemon-like product into my tea and blatently ruined it. I dunno who or what it is, but it just tastes awful and I do not like them. I came home and made a tea and it's a little bit meh-ish, so i'll have to brew a 5th and see how it is. Megs mentioned in her blog (giving me an honourable mention, thanks darling) that she herself is addited to tea, and finds that she can fully function with about 6 teas in her system. Full credit goes to me of course. I'm somewhat responsible for this addiction. I said 6 teas a day is understandable, as it restores vitality, sanity, and is potentially life-saving. My friend Robert says that society should be thankful that he consumes 6 teas a day as it makes him approachable and is more or less an act of public service.

Either that or have a Scottish Breakfast or Irish breakfast.

I think that's it for today my children. I had a dream about Karyn the other night. It's been a long time since i've had a visit from her and it was nice. She was in the hospital (her hair had grown back too, really long), and she was in a wheelchair/gurney. She was going in for brain surgery but she knew she was dying/going to die. Either way, she was sooooooooo happy (it stood out so clearly). She was telling me stuff about being in the hospital but i don't remember it now. I leaned down and hugged her and she hugged me back and smiled, and as we hugged she said 'I love you' and i said it back, and then I woke up.

It was nice. Thanks K, it's been a while.

So that concludes today's lesson. TGIF!

Happy

I've decided its time for a happy background to brighten things up so here it is!!!

Went to the docs today to get the fingers looked at and they're fine, although they look grotesque. They've peeled and exposed the under layer or burnt skin. Maybe - if you're lucky - i'll get a pic and post it but you'll need a strong stomach.

Is this better?