My Double Lung Transplant

Friday, February 12, 2010

Confessions: To Live to Die

Do we live to die?

In short, yes. Which is why i'm finding this whole, "i'm-completely-healthy-for-once-in-my-life" dealio extremely daunting and scary, because to be honest, I don't know how to live without the fact that i am/was dying behind me.

Is that insane?

Am I insane?

It's a weird balance....and I had an epiphany today and i abolished this scary thought and made it scramble all away so i could reach a place of happiness within my brain.

Of course, this happened in the shower.

All good thoughts occur in the shower.

So there I was, freaking out over the appt I had with a career councellor at the uni, over the thought of more schooling, and more this, and more that, and it was all daunting and not something that I am ready to do no do i have the energy...and I thought, with my health, I have enough stress in my life, but it's the kind of stress I am used to and that I know how to deal with. But schooling and a high powered career is not something that I think i have the mental energy to put forth...so it was then, as i stood in the shower, that my epiphany came to me, and i came to the realization that things will be so much easier if i opened my own tea shop.

So that's what i'm gonna do. I don't really care about making lots of money (obviously I want money), but it's not the be-all and end-all to my happiness. I want a relatively stress-free job, that allows me to balanace both my health and my career, and working as a youth councellor - while i would love to do that - seems like it would be a lot of work and at the moment, I am not prepared to take that on.

Which raises the question: why the eff am i putting so much pressure on myself? I don't really know...I really really don't. It's when my brain reaches this kind scariness that i think dying would've been easier in a way...because life is scary, but dying is such a cop-out in a way....but at the same time, it's all I know how to do.....live to die, right? I guess it takes time...there is no rush...I am young and have all the time in the world, and I need to chill out and just take things one day at a time.

Blah.

Um...

I have my 6 months bronch on Tuesday...that will go well and things will go fine....My blood work from Monday came back completely normal which is good...weight is still the same. Amy is recovering well...she's still in ICU but she spent 3 hours in a chair, had the majority of her chest tubes removed, and will look into beginning to walk soon! So that's fab!

Basically, in all of this, I need a hobby, yes?

Yes.

Before i end this bizarre and random blog, please go to the side bar and go to Eva's blog. Send your prayers and love. Thatt's all I will say. She needs them.

Peacing out for now. Chilling out for later!

And yes, I am wearing my CANADA Olympic sweater and will watch the opening ceremonies with the bf tonight.

4 comments:

Jess said...

You could totally open a shop, and call it "Breathe Tea" instead of Breathe Me. My thoughts are with Eva as well.

myrantsandrambles said...

A tea shop is a great idea! This is one I have been meaning to go to in London that you choose your tea by smelling the loose leaves. Not sure how hygienic that is but its kind of a neat angle to things
http://www.yumchaa.co.uk/


I haven't stopped thinking about Eva since I saw her video yesterday - she is so strong, I'd be terrified.

Good luck with your checkup

A

Amy said...

believe me I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if my health is a cop-out for me and if I was healthy would I actually DO all that I want to do or would I p*ssy out like I am now (with good excuses now though).

Just like it took time to learn to live while dying, it will take time to learn to live while living.

Love ya chicka!

Meghann "Former Queen of the O2 People" said...

Tea shop, lovely idea! Don't pressure yourself anymore. It will just drive you crazy. As usual, I'm going through the same shit. Tra- la - la. Yay new lungs. :)