My Double Lung Transplant

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Let me break it down for ya

I got out of breath today, but it was the good kind. It was because i was taking advantage of the gorgeous weather and took Madyson for a walk. I asked her, after we left the forest, if she wanted to go straight of go up the hill.

I wanted to go up the hill.

She opted for the hill.

So we up.

Up and up and up.

It's not like pre-tx where you're out of breath 90% of the time, struggling to catch the slightest bit of air.

Let me break it down for ya.

Pre-tx out of breathness:
You struggle
You gasp
You huff and you puff and you pant
to the point of exhaustion
to the point of dizziness
there is no way out
struggling to not succumb to the darkness of unconsciousness that creeps up behind your shoulders
to catch you as you fall
you try not to pass out
but it's easier said than done
lungs that don't inflate
lungs that don't deflate
they flutter
they fail
and you struggle
you suffocate
you cannot catch a break
you cannot breathe
you need to sit down
but it doesn't help
so you suffer some more
until it decides
to subside
on its own terms

There is no calm.

Post-tx out of breathness:
slowly
like a slow rainfall leaking from the sky
it doesn't built up and impound itself on to you
but rather trickles
not suffocate
there is no panting
no gasping
take a deep breath in through your nose
and out through your nose
in out
in out
deep
hold your breath
let it out slowly
you are in control
take a deep breath in and let it out slowly
let the half-panic subside
because you slightly out of breath from exercsion
not because you are dying
not because your lungs are failing you
but because they are healthy
and this is normal
reach the top of the hill
breathe deep in through your nose
and out through your mouth
you don't need to stop
you don't need to sit
just breathe deep
and calm yourself
and as soon as this sensation greeted you
it leaves you
and you are ok
and your heart is normal
it will not beat its way out of your chest
the way it always tried to
it will not leave you for dead
your lungs are healthy
and you are alive
they are expanding and working in your back
filtering your body with beautiful air
the way they did for your beautiful donor
for as long as they had them
they are mine now
and we are ok
and we are out of breath for normal reasons

Not because death is chasing us around the corner.

5 comments:

Meghann "Former Queen of the O2 People" said...

Awesome post!!!!! very poetic!!!!! loved it!!!

LittleM said...

i really like this post too. Especially being pre-tx and imagining. :)

Amy said...

I'm trying to imagine the out of breathe feeling without the panic :)

Tara said...

This post made me cry because I can only imagine and feel the pre-tx side of things at the moment. I'm not even near listed and I still feel all those things you described. One day I too will have that post tx triumph and based on your description, I'm going to like it!

Alice said...

Spot on Bree!