My Double Lung Transplant

Friday, February 5, 2010

Post-tx life is like...

a breakup.

They say that when it comes to a break up, that it takes roughly half the length of time that you dated the person to fully get over them. So if you dated for 4 years, it would take about 2 years to get over them.

Compredre? Good.

I'm choosing to view post-tx life in the same way, b/c to be honest, I'm having trouble coming to terms with being 'normal'. I spent so much time being busy dying, that I failed to ever register what it truely means to be normal. So the way i see it, I spent 2 years dying, maybe it will take me a full year to be normal. Initially, I was going to say that since I was on the list for 15 months, it would take me about 7.5 months to feel normal, but to be honest, that's coming up and i'm probably feeling the least normal that one could possibly feel. So i'm gonna go with, "well, I was busy dying for 2 years, so it's going to take an additional year for me to come to terms with being normal and not dying. So yeah....fuck you" kinda sentiment.

I think that's very good.

I always knew that post-tx i would struggle mentally, just coming to terms with a new way of life. If you've never spent a significant portion of your life dying, then you won't understand that it really does consume you heart and soul. You spend all your time preserving energy, and not doing anything, and becoming accustomed to not doing anything, that once you're able to, you don't really know how to function and go about doing normal things. So you sit, and you get bored, and you think about the fact that you're a total loser b/c you can't come to terms with yor new life, and you see everyone around you doing normal people things, like working (good jobs too) and going to school, and balancing it all, that you sit and wonder, 'how the fuck do i do that? how can i do what they do?' and then i realized, 'idiot, you just had an effing transplant 5-6 months ago: IT TAKES TIME!'

I constantly need to remind myself of this fact. I seem to think that I need to be moving at lightning speed and be up to par with everyone, and to be honest, half the time, I don't have the energy to. I know a huge portion is the medication, another portion is the weather (winter sucks and needs to die), and all that. My issue is getting motivated to do stuff...b/c once i do stuff i feel's just getting started. I'm enjoying school a bit more so that's good. This week was horrible: had no motivation, wanted to be eaten and lost in the couch or my bed and not move...i felt like a sloth embedded and encrusted in mud. I beleive i even resorted to sitting on the floor in the shower one day b/c I just couldn't bring myself to stand any longer.

I got my monthly IV today and i feel tons better, and I know that's another reason for feeling sloth-like. Used my port and it worked fab! Got a pic of it accessed and will post it, as well I will get another pic of my fingers to showcase how they are healing. It looks like soft, incredibly vulnerable baby skin. And it's wrinkly. But back to my IV, i'm gonna ask at my assessment on Monday if it would be ok for me to get my IV every 3 weeks instead of 4 to see if that helps? The week that i go for my IV i just feel like a total zombie and it sucks. I hate feeling like this, so I will ask!

Um what else? Also responsible for restoring me from being a zombie to being a human again, as always, is tea. Tho, i've had 3 teas from Tims today (from the hosp) and they all tasted like utter crap which is extremely upsetting to me. I like English breakfast and quite frankly, either the chick at Tims has something against me, or someone snuck in some cinnemon-like product into my tea and blatently ruined it. I dunno who or what it is, but it just tastes awful and I do not like them. I came home and made a tea and it's a little bit meh-ish, so i'll have to brew a 5th and see how it is. Megs mentioned in her blog (giving me an honourable mention, thanks darling) that she herself is addited to tea, and finds that she can fully function with about 6 teas in her system. Full credit goes to me of course. I'm somewhat responsible for this addiction. I said 6 teas a day is understandable, as it restores vitality, sanity, and is potentially life-saving. My friend Robert says that society should be thankful that he consumes 6 teas a day as it makes him approachable and is more or less an act of public service.

Either that or have a Scottish Breakfast or Irish breakfast.

I think that's it for today my children. I had a dream about Karyn the other night. It's been a long time since i've had a visit from her and it was nice. She was in the hospital (her hair had grown back too, really long), and she was in a wheelchair/gurney. She was going in for brain surgery but she knew she was dying/going to die. Either way, she was sooooooooo happy (it stood out so clearly). She was telling me stuff about being in the hospital but i don't remember it now. I leaned down and hugged her and she hugged me back and smiled, and as we hugged she said 'I love you' and i said it back, and then I woke up.

It was nice. Thanks K, it's been a while.

So that concludes today's lesson. TGIF!


Megan said...

Tea fixes all. Um, except today b/c apparently it's 'No tea can taste right today' day. For the record, my teas haven't been too satisfactory either.

Ty for the mention hun :D xx

Meghann "Former Queen of the O2 People" said...

Nice post woman! You are so right. It's like you and I think the exact same thoughts! I so know where you're coming from about life after transplant. I hope we both soon get out of slumps!

Emily's party got cancelled tomorrow, what am i going to do with chris now?! :)

Love you!

Alice said...

I only started my first full-time job 8 months post tx, so you're on par deary!!!!

Amy said...

I often wonder how life will be post-tx. I can't wait to get back into doing all that I love, but I wonder if I'll be able to. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom, but as I am not there yet I can only offer hugs :)

Ronnie "Sickboy" Sharpe said...

I guess my question is what do you consider normal? My life sounds pretty similar to you in that I sit at home a lot and "do nothing". I mean I work and stuff, but I don't have some crazy active social life. Are you comparing yourself now, to what you felt like 10 years ago? Trying to get back to what you remember about yourself?


Alice said...


It's Her said...

Does your clinic have a counselor? Don't forget that transplant is a traumatic event and you are def suseptible to post traumatic stress. Also (not saying you have depression but) depression can be caused by a chemical inbalance in the brain, triggered by meds, compounded by the magnitiude of your life changing event.

Just some thoughts! You're doing a great job though, and each day is a day closer to being completely-letly-letly normal! It arrives eventually! :D I think as well when you've so much thinking time, you can go stir crazy.


Happy 6months! :)