Hope

I have hope.

I am writing this entry practically through tears b/c i am so happy. I am here at work and I was reading the message board over at TransplantBuddies, and i stumbled across a post from a man who is 10 years post double lung tx. He had bronchiectasis and that's why he needed one. He had what I have. I am not alone. I no longer feel like the only member of this special little club. Every person i have spoken to who has had a double lung tx has had CF, and i have never read a post from an actual person who had what i have.

Words cannot describe how much hope reading his post has given me. It's completely wiped away all of my fears. I cannot wait till i am a member of the tx club. It sounds bizarre but being in the situation I am in, it is so promising reading things from people who have post tx in the double digit (years). Ironically enough, as i read his post, the song Believe by Suzie McNeil came on my iPod. If you havent heard it, go download it. It's beautiful.

I cannot wait for things to come! :)

Shopping..

...and shop and shop i did!

Whoever said retail therapy is a bad thing, I beg to differ! After dropping $109 in Garage w/o trying anything on, i WAS feeling smidgen of guilt. I quickly assured myself that i rarely shop anyway, and that over time the amount of stuff i bought would eventually add up to $109, if not more. Plus, i needed new stuff, seeing as i have a lot of shit from when i was 17,18,19 that's a little more than immature and i figured it was time to get rid of that shit and get some age-appropriate things. Finally I have stuff i can wear at the office but still feel comfy (ok so i bought t-shirts and tanks but they're nice). For those who know me, i hate being overly dressed up. Yes, i like dressing up, but for the most part, given that i feel shitty as it is, i like to be comfy. I don't like dressing up everyday like my sister, who consider's a skirt every day wear. I wear skirts rarely. Oh well, enough about that!

So here i sit, after trying everything on, i feel emotionally fantastic. After yesterday's debacle of my dad threatening to give my cats away, i moped around and cried like a 12 year old all night. I isolated myself in my room and spoke to no one. I'm not lying. It wasn't until this morning, after not speaking to my dad for 15 hours, he told me Zoey got up on his lap lastnight and slept while he was watching TV. He told me it was cute, and after i responded bitterly, "Why? You hate her anyway..." he assured me he would never give a pet away. Am i feeling bad for actling like i did? Somewhat, but sometimes you need to be childish! People don't understand that these cats are my children...they are.

Um what else? Yes, seeing as i dropped a significant amount, i was then rewarded with a free bag. Yippee! It's not the most attractive thing to be honest, and i'm not fond of the material (feels like a rain coat kind of material). Anywho, it will be perfect for school in the fall and spring, and yes, the cincher - IT CAN FIT MY OXYGEN! How fantastic is that! I never thought i'd be thrilled about that but i know i'll prob have to bring it to school with me when navigating campus so w/e....i'll try it. Sure i'll feel like a loser but at least i'll look cool. I'm not overly tired from my shopping excursion, but fuck it is ever hot out! It's about 30*C, with humidity it feels like 38*C. I am going to begin reading the new Harry Potter again b/c nothing else feels right that i begin reading. I won't lie; it feels wrong. Like a death has occured and only until this feeling passes i will obsess over the loss of having no more Harry Potter books being written ever again. Childish? Maybe, but it's how i'm coping with this.

What else? My doc called Friday when i was at work and wants me to call back Monday. Hopefully it's with news from the tx center and not just "we have news from the sleep lab" or "there's something in your last spit culture" YUMMY! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HAVE IT BE FROM THE TX CENTER *crosses fingers* I JUST WANT THIS OVER WITH EVEN THOUGH IT'S SCARY!

Currently i am talking to my friend who informed me that yesterday he spent all day at Hillside (a weekend long concert that's a huge hit in the province...maybe country even, i don't know). But i know that Tara and Krystal went too. He told me he was there all day and night, and then went downtown (meaning to the bars) afterwards, then WALKED home from downtown to his house, which is more than halfway across the city. He got home at 4:30. WOW! I can't wait to do that again. Last year Krystal and Tara and I had an all-night romp downtown. We got so drunk and it was amazing. I was so pissed i passed out 3 times in the Underground, I have no idea how we got home, and when we got home I didn't beleive we were there. I refused to fall asleep b/c i still beleived i was in the Underground and i was imagining everything. After Tara reassured me we were infact, back at their place, i slowly fell asleep. I threw up twice also, but regardless, it was a lot of fun and i can't wait to be silly and wreckless again and just have boundless energy to go out and stay up all night. WOO HOO!

OK....i'm acting stupid so i'm going to go to save myself from further embarassement.

Bibitty Bobitty Boo

Bibitty Bobitty Boo
It's Friday, there's nothing to do
I went and got gas
I nearly passed
At the price that came up
I was screwed

Onward and forward I drove
Down the winding and foggy backroads
Alone by myself
I was leaving just like an Elf
Onto work I sped down the dark road

I got here 2 minutes before
I dragged myself up to the door
I rang myself in and hauled my shit in
Sat down with a huff I was bored

But alas! My head screamed
It's Friday, me thinks!
And a smile krept up on my face
No one is here
I have nothing to fear
I am planning an early escape

Apparently, reading a book is an invite to be spoken to

Over the last few days, the following things have been said to me:

"What are you doing?"
"Reading Harry Potter."

"Are you finished reading that book yet?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"B/c people like you won't stop talking to me..."

"How's the book coming along...?"
"It would be better if you stopped talking to me so i could actually finish it"

"So today i had the most amazing thing happen...."
*silence*
"...Are you even listening to me?"
..."No actually...i'm reading....but apparently no one can see that so I may as well just stop being so selfish and listen to you gab on"

And so you have it. Why am I not finished reading yet, you ask? B/C PEOPLE WON'T STOP TALKING TO ME!!!

Hopefully when i get home from work, i can prop myself outside in the hot sun and people will leave me alone. But with my luck, my mum will pop up through a window and start talking to me anyway.

Jenny and the amazing explosive diahrrea

I am not finished reading Harry Potter 7 yet. I know...shocking. It's rather hard to read it non-stop when i have a little institution called WORK to attend to everyday. The only chances I get to read it are on my breaks, lunch time, and at night. I was happy when i arrived at work on Monday and Jenny told me she didn't have a copy yet. When she came by to do the mail, she saw the book sitting on my desk, and I told her she could touch it if she wanted. So she went and touched it, and that night she went and bought her own copy. Good thing too, b/c I don't like sharing.

So now Jenny is way ahead of me...Chapter 33 i beleive....and i'm on Chapter 21. She has 60 pages left and told me she wanted nothing more than to lock herself in the bathroom and finish reading it. I told her that if she wanted, she could run to the bathroom and i would announce to everyone that she had explosive diahrrea. When people ask why she was seen dashing away with her book I will answer, "She knew she'd be a while..."

I didn't quite know how to answer her however, when she mentioned how she'd explain the absense of smell for said explosive diahrrea. I was shocked; just as shocked as I was when she told me on Friday she wanted to stab someone in the face. I know I talk about wishing to strangle people....but i'd never stab someone in the face...Jenny worries me sometimes...

Anywho...back to the main point of this show: ME! The last 2 days have been quite concerning for me, I must admit. I've woken up the last few days feeling like I havent slept at all, even though i slept for 8 hours straight. For some bizarre and ANNOYING reason i keep waking up at 5am - it's a huge pain in the ass b/c it's like, "FUCK! It's 5, i can still sleep....but only for an hour!" and it's not even worth it. I don't know if that has anything to do with my tiredness, but i doubt it. Could it be that i've not gotten to bed till 10:30 each night? I'm hoping that's it. I'm going to try to get to bed by 9:30 at least tonight and see if that happens. If not....then....i'm SOL and don't know what to do! I wore my O2 to drive and it didn't do too much..i mean it helps but wearnig O2 isn't a cure for tiredness. I'm thinking of introducing a mandatory Sleep Day to the working world, where you MUST take the day off and stay at home and do nothing but sleep. It would be spendid wouldn't it? If not, then going home to sleep, or staying home to sleep, should be a viable reason for not showing up to work. I fully support this idea.

What else? Yes, before I go I must announce that a woman on the board i post at, Liza, her daughter Anna got THE CALL for lungs yesterday! So, just wish her luck! GOOD LUCK ANNA AND I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST!

Until next time!
Bree

Something Wasn't Right....

This entry is kind of a relection/in response to what Rosie wrote about today. No doubt you have no idea who she is or where her blog is, so i will recap. She mentioned how she went to a pool today that she had been to prior to tx, and it was when she realized that something wasn't right. Suddenly, doing simple things, like walking up a small number of steps to go down the slide left her huffing and puffing. When she got called by her family to get dressed she just sat, and huffed and panted and waited for time to pass until she would feel better. It was this 'event' that opened her eyes and showed her that something wasn't right...

It made me think today of when i had my 'something isn't right' moment. It was back in January (i hate that month for several reasons, now i've got one more! Yipee!). I was thrilled that the winter semester had began, b/c it meant new classes, new buildings, new everything. One class was all the way across campus, and while i knew it would be a bitch at first, I was excited b/c I knew the exercise would make my lungs better and i couldn't wait till the end of the semester when i could stride at ease across the the property in half the time...

That never happened. I never felt better, I felt worse, and I didn't get faster, I just got slower. I began creating excuses to miss that class, and thank god we had a lot of horrible weather that only supported my reasonings for not going ("Wow...it's sure windy out today! I better stay in the library on MSN not accomplishing anything b/c I think I may blow away" or...." It's too cold to walk outside" - typical).

Anywho, the reason was simple: I couldn't do it. It got harder and harder. I began looking for landmarks that I could spot that would encourage me to keep going (the bench! if you reach the bench you can sit!). Always when i got the lights to cross the street, i felt if i took one more step i would pass out. My heart would pound in my chest, wanting to break freak and beat away from me on the cold, sodden ground. My legs felt like rubber. When I got to the building i would pant like i had run a marathon. After i calmed down I'd get hot, and i would get a searing headache. I hate this, and it was this experience that greeted me every other day, twice as day, as i made the summit to MacDonald Hall.

Then one day, my real 'something wasn't right' moment struck. I couldn't walk to the bus stop. I mean i could, it was at the end of my street. Any healthy person could walk to it in under a minute. If the bus came at 10:30am, just leave at 10:29 and you'd get there in 30 seconds.

It took me 10 minutes to get there. I had to take my time. I cannot count the number of times i missed the bus b/c i couldn't walk fast enough and i wouldn't dare run to it (once i did, and how that happened is a miracle beyond miracles). I began hating the walk to the bus stop as much as i hated walking to MacDonald Hall. I didn't understand how people could do it....

Anywho, that's all. I'm late for bed again - damnitt.

How I found out pt. 2

The pulmonogist came over and hugged me. She took my O2 sats and they were low. I told her she could do an ABG (aterial blood gas, where they take blood from an artery in your wrist) to measure the O2 in your blood. It gives a definate answer as opposed to the oximetry meter on your finger. She took me into a separate room once I had calmed down. The first thing i saw when i stepped into that room was a treadmill. Fuck, I thought, she's gonna make me walk on it, isn't she? But she sat me down instead and got a needle out. She turned my right hand over and examined my wrist. "You've got small veins..." she pointed out. Thanx, i thought. As if i didn't know. Eventually she located an artery and in the needle went. I will tell you that it feels very different from getting a needle or IV in your vein. In your artery it's painful; you get a feeling in your gut like all the air in there has been sucked out of you. I felt sick. She moved the needled in and out, and in an out, and eventually i felt the syrynge pull back.

She sucked my artery shut. No blood came out. She kept trying but finally I told her to take it out and try somewhere else. I told her my elbows were good spots, and sure enough she got it and got blood. When they actually take blood from your artery, the location and surrounding area hurts for a good couple of days. It was heavy and sore for about 4 days after, but i had no bruise. When she stuck the bandaid on me she left me to myself and it all hit me. I began crying again and she found me and hugged me. I told her I had to go for a full body x-ray after and needed to go. She walked me to the elevators, gave me instructions on where to go, and told me to come back up and talk if i was still upset. She was really sweet and I appreciate the comfort she gave to me more than she'll ever know.

Needless to say I forgot the directions she gave me and I got lost. When i found the place the x-rays went great. The only struggle was not crying during them b/c you have to stay perfectly still. I ended up losing my hair clip though in the x-ray room. It was cute. Oh well.

Then it came time to go for Gamma. As soon as I saw my nurses I cried again. I cried really hard. I told Mary I'd elaborate but I had to go to the bathroom first. I had to throw up. So i told all my nurses I just found out I need a lung tx. I needed to talk to my doc first to see what she said. She called and said that she didn't think it was urgent, but to schedule an appt in her office the next time I go for Gamma, as she had not yet had a chance to look at my numbers. She said the pulmonolgist had no right telling me i needed a tx since she's not a doctor, and that she most likely freaked out when she saw all my stuff. I felt a bit better, but I still had the task of telling my parents.

I called my mum and ended up telling her on the phone...I don't remember much of the convo b/c I tried to be brave. I cried a bit on the drive home but not much, since I left all my tears at the hospital. I ended up staying longer b/c my doc didn't want me driving when I was upset. The nurses told her I was inconsolable. So i got home and told my sister. She was shocked. I asked her if she was going to cry. She said maybe later, when it all hits her. I told her that was ok. Eventually we had a small cry together....and then my dad got home.

Oh dad. God bless you so much. You're just like me in the fact that you try so hard to be brave and it's incredibly obvious that you're upset. Even though this has already happened, writing it feels fresh and i'm crying as I write it. "Breathe" by Anna Nalick is even playing on my iPod (it's on random so i didn't select it either). So home came dad. He called before asking about supper and also to ask how my appt went. All i mustered to say was, "Not well..." So in he comes and I told him play by play how it went. You can probably guess how it went. He wanted to know the implications of getting a tx and all that. I couldn't answer honestly as i didn't know myself. I just remember crying and putting my head on the counter and saying, "I'm sorry....I'm so sorry...I fucked up." My dad came around the counter and hugged me and we just at the two of us and cried and cried and cried. It was so sad.

Mum came home and we told her. She's good at hiding when she's sad. She tries to be brave for everyone. The night wore on and i went to bed...but soon i came down crying hysterically b/c i still didn't understand how this had happened...how i missed every sign along the way and just ignored it. I hated myself. I felt like I was going to die and that i had let it happen. My parents were upset, but mainly upset that I hadn't called them to come to the hosp. I said I couldn't scare them that way, when i didn't know 100%. I remember my dad said, "still...you should have called....we should have been there for you...you didn't need to go through that alone..."

Fast forward 4 weeks to my doc appt. We talked about usual things, and then lung tx. My dad came with me. By this time my parents had had enough time to accept the fact that I needed one, though my dad still got upset. My doctor confirmed that I did need one, and that we would discuss evaluation for it around the fall. She also told me i had waited long enough to go on O2 and that i needed to begin it at night now. I didn't have any heart probs, and if i layed off the O2 any longer i'd put myself at risk for it.

Overall that appt was amazing. She was calm and there were no tears! Since then I guess you know we've accepted tx and it is not some horrible thing. A referral for tx assessment has been sent and now i have to wait for a reply. I read that it can take 3-4 weeks. So far...it's been 1, lol.

Anywho, that is a lot for today so I will let you go. HAVE A GREAT DAY! HARRY POTTER COMES OUT AT MIDNIGHT!!