Not Invinsible

By now I'm used to feeling so good that I generally beleive that I can do and concquer anything. I beleive that I can function on just 7 hours of sleep and go, go, go from the moment I wake up till the moment I lay down.

Well fuck. Today I can't.

Today it hit me like a brick wall, and as a result I feel like goo. I have 0 energy, and it doesn't matter how many energy things I consume, they don't help. I have used up all my Spoons today (google "The Spoon Theory" if you don't know what I'm talking about), and thank goodness my next dog to walk isn't until 8:30pm.

I missed my injection yesterday so as a result i will have to do 2 today. i did one around 10ish and will do the next whenever i stop being so damn lazy. i wonder if that has anything to do with it? who knows.

Thankfully all the dogs I've had to walk today havent been for long. Lemiux was 30 minutes, then Weegee was 30 minutes, although we spent 15 of it laying in a field in the sunshine as she rolled in the fall leaves and I rubbed her belly until she fell asleep (my jobs so tough sometimes); then Sadie who was 15 minutes, who gave me a mouthful when I showed up. I felt so useless that I got a big coke from McDonalds and it didn't help. So i came home and did what any sorry, useless ass would do: eat. And not what I should eat. I ate chips and dip, which will only succeed in making me feel worse.

I think tomorrow I will begin a system cleanse. Just have soup broth and tea and see if that helps. In all honesty I've been eating more chips than i should lately (and cookies) and I wouldn't be suprised if that's another cause for my system feeling like it's going into utter failure.

As shitty as I feel though, it's a nice reminder that i'm not invinsible. It reminds me to slow down, and eat properly, and get rest so I can function.

Until then, I will continue to eat crappily for the rest of the day, and hopefully get some school work done. Tomorrow, let the cleanse begin!

Mmmm

It's really rediculous how great a fabulous cup of tea can make you feel. Shitty tea makes me want to knock children over; fabulous tea makes me want to sing songs and jump in puddles and hold ppl's hands and sing kumbya.

But i won't.

Instead, I will remain ass firmly planted on the couch, watching Build a New Life in the Country on BBC Canada. Drinking my tea on this perfect fall day: wet, mizzley, humid day.

I've walked 4 dogs today, and see the 2 baby French bulldogs at 8:30. So far, totally loving the job and i have a feeling i will continue to do so. I love waking up early and seeing all the little creatures, because unlike humans, dogs aren't bastards in the morning. They are smiley and excitable and overall just love to see you. And i love seeing them.

Yesterday I bought a Northface tri-climate jacket. That means it's good for lots of weather, namely rain, downpours, and winter. I didn't want to cut corners on a jacket since I will be out in all types of weather, but that doesn't mean that i didn't silently give spontaneous birth when i saw the price of $305. Now all I need will be snow pants to stay warm in when the weather turns to utter crap and i'll be good! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

On the health front, things are good. Sadly, the infusion stuff is getting low and i'll have to order stuff in soon. Ugh. i hate ordering stuff, because i hate talking on the phone. but what can you do, eh? I promise i will post pics soon of the stuff. I'm just lazy.

I think that's it for now.

"We're on shit that could kill a horse"

Upon investigation of possible side effects of antirejection meds, Cassie and I accumulated this list:

Cellcept:

- rare untreatable brain disease
- can give you HIV
- lukemia
- lymphoma
- uable to control muscles

Prograf:
- can make you go into a coma
- seizures
- decreased pee
- weight gain
- back pain
- rash
- itchy
- hearburn
- vomitting

Cyclosporin:

- facial swelling
- hair growth
- high blood pressure
- kidney and liver probs
- headaches
- high cholesterol
- loss of appetite
- vomitting
- acne or oily skin
- the shakes
- joint pains and cramps
- weakness and anxiety
- tingling in face and extremities
- night sweats
- hearing loss

Prednisone:

- vision problems
- eye pain, redness or tearing
- sore throat
- fever, chills, cough, or other signs of infection
- seizures
- depression
- confusion
- muscle twitching or tightening
- shaking of the hands that you cannot control
- numbness, burning, or tingling in the face, arms, legs, feet, or hands
- upset stomach
- vomiting
- lightheadedness
- irregular heartbeat

...and the very best, lets all yell it out together!:

LOSS OF CONTACT WITH REALITY

Fucken eh! That's all I have to say about that! So my tx friends, when you're feeling down and out, or ready to smack a bitch, or get on board your spaceship, take a peek at this special little list and find some comfort in the fact that it's not really you that's making you feel so effed, it's your medication yo.

Upon other things, things are grand! My new job is amazing - seriously busy, with a confusing schedule, and lots of zooming around and the like, but i love it. Thanks to my affinity for hating people (ok that's a lie: they're assholes), dog walking is pretty rad. The time is good too, which is fab! Some early mornings which I don't mind, some live out of the city, some need to be seen 2 to 3 times a day, most of them walked for 30 minutes, some are only walked certain days of the week, all must be seen at or around the same time each day, it's good. And i have to squeeze in appts in the mean time. And squeeze in seeing Finn.

And learn to give myself injections. And keep a stupid log *shakes fist in anger*

But other than that, i wouldn't have it any other way! Oh, and school starts next week, and I'm going to be joining a walking group with a fellow tx friend.

Weeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Ok, off to fill my pill box.

Update

Welp, I'm a working girl now. My perminant shift seems to be 3-11 which has it's pros and cons.

Cons:
- It really is a shitty shift to get stuck on
- Busy hours are from 5- 7:30ish and I don't yet know how to do everything yet
- I make a lot of smoothies and thus have dry hands
- I feel like i work when the rest of the world is relaxing

Pros:
- I get the day to myself
- I have learned that I can still 'do stuff' after work, such as go out for drinks
- money, duh
- It's not like i really do anything from 3-11 anyways
- I get to make all my appts and not book time off
- I GET WEEKENDS OFF

So yea, there are pros and cons to everything. I am finding it hard to adjust to working full time after not working at all for 3 years, but like everything, it takes time to fall into a routine. I have to stop looking at things that I don't like about the job and focus on what I do. I can't psych myself out of it and find reasons to quit to look for something else. As with any job, there will be things that you don't necessarily like about it so why bail? I looked long and hard for this job and I know that in time things will get easier.

I need to be positive and that's what I will do!

I'm having trouble remembering how to do all the paper work (which I know will come in time), and I find that i find myself making a lot of smoothies to avoid learning how to do so. It also keeps me from answering the phones for people who call in asking for shit and for answers that i don't have. The hours from 7:30-11 are the best because that is when people decide to fuck off and not bother you with inquiries about gym membership cancellations, or bringing in void cheques. But throughout it all and all the crap-talking that i hear at work, i never actually have moments when i think, 'i hate my job; i want my shift to be over' and i don't always look at the clock. I find that i appreciate the busy-ness of it as it passes the time quickly. And i was right: since working i've had no thoughts of 'i want to die'. It just takes time to get used to a new routine but i know in a few weeks it will seem normal. I must have patience!

The good thing about working at a gym is that i can wear black sweatpants (like LuLu Lemons). The only downside is that my pants lack pockets and i thus have to keep my staff key safely ensconsed in my bossom. The other day whilst gossiping about fellow employees in the bathroom with the custodian i took a deep breath in and the key fell out of my shirt and onto the floor. And yesterday someone asked to borrow the key because they forgot theirs and i had to reach into my shirt and retrieve it.

Oh well. I just never seem to learn.

I think i am going to follow what a fellow employee said: "I love my job". For the most part, it is pretty easy, and there isn't really anything i don't like about it except for all the trash talking about the company, but w/e!!!!!!!!!!!

That's enough for today!