My Double Lung Transplant

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Thoughts

I feel lost
Unsure of where to go
Need to crawl out of this hole that i've found myself in
Nothing satisfies me
Need to do something
Need to find a passion
Compassion?
Inspiration
Have no passion or motivation
And i hate feeling this way
I feel lost
Stopped
Stuck
Unsure of where to go

I feel like I live in a circle. I find myself in this mood/frame of mind often since my transplant - well, ever since I have nothing to do. I need to create something, but i can't find the motivation. I know a lot of why i feel this way is med induced, which sucks. I want to know if anyone else feels this way post -tx or if it's just me who's fucked in the head about where to go in life.

Maybe for the time being this is where i'm supposed to be? but that doesn't make it any easier, less frustrating. I do the same thing day in and day out: wake up, get ready for the day, check emails, visit Finn, come home, clean....It's boring.

I've thought of writing a book, been encouraged by countless ppl to publish my blog, and I really want to, but I don't know how to go about it. Can I even do it? Am I brave enough?

I hate thinking. It must be stopped.

I ran over a squirrel today. I was on my way to Timmie's when it ran infront of the car and went 'thump, crunch'. I felt so horrible that i stopped in the middle of the road and got out and sat next to the poor creature to make sure it wasn't suffering, b/c if it was, i was gonna pick it up and take it to a vet. Seriously. i felt horrible.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having all this free time on my hands, I wish i had something to be motivated/passionate about. And I do, i just don't know how to execute it other than through blogging. I hate feeling this way.

This probably makes no sense. And i'm sorry.

Signing out with no pants on,

Moi

3 comments:

Matt Todd said...

You could start a crusade to do things that you previously couldnt do or that you missed out on. Thats what I did. Last winter I decided to make up for lost time and goto as many hockey games as I could, and I went to 50-60 games. This summer I decided to goto as many auto races as I could and play golf as much as I can. So far I've been to 5 races and golfed 6 times. Doing this has kept me pretty busy. Maybe you could start doing something similar. And I think that its normal for us to feel like you do. I think its kind of like postpartum depressing for pregnant woman. We've known one life style for so long and then it completely changes on us and we dont know what to do or how to handle it.

It's Her said...

You're young enough to continue studying if that's what you want? It will give you focus. That or get a job but I know that's hard too. I know a lot of people feel lost after transplant, like they are no longer 'ill' but yet can't find a place for them in the 'healthy' world yet. I know a lot of people from my clinic say they wish there was a psychologist on the team to help them with the adjustment. It's def useful to vent too so if you do have access to a psych, use it! Like Matt said, the post pregnancy blues are what a lot of people equate it to.

I hope you're feeling better soon! :)

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