My Double Lung Transplant

Sunday, December 13, 2009

I ruin a Christmas photo...

Everyone was smiling nicely and I threw up a gang sign.

And so were the events of last nights Christmas party. To be frank, I was not in the festivist mood, nor really was anyone else. Seems like ever since the weather's changed, it shit on us all and sprinkled us not with merth and cheer, but grumpiness and an overslew of bad moods. I myself have fallen victim to such mysterious workings and it sucks royally. I just can't seem to get out of my depressed state this week.

They tell you all this stuff to watch out for post-tx, but no one tells you how hard it is to occupy yourself post-tx. Now that i'm not overrun with appts day-to-day, and it's too early for me to work and the school semester has ended, all i have time to do is think.

And think I do.

About everything.

I overthink and overanalyze and then i get bummed out (that and other issues are contributing to my overall mood of 'blahness') and i don't feel like myself. Usually I'm so happy-go-lucky and I miss that old Bree, i want her to come back. Please come back to me, self, I do not like being bummed out. I have no reason to be: I GOT MY FRIGGING TRANSPLANT I SHOULD BE ECTATIC! And I am, trust me, but you can't escape your thoughts no matter what you do...Keeping the brain occupied is the hardest thing. The weather being erroniously and gonad-snatchingly cold does not help either. Getting dark at 4pm does not help either. No one wants to be shut in a world of darkness as we are when winter befalls us all...I just want summer back. But you know what, fuck it. Fuck it and everything in it, b/c when spring time comes around I will appreciate it more than ever.

I just want this feeling to leave me - nothing's worse than losing yourself.

I went to the gym yesterday and that helped with my funk. I walked on the treadmill for a solid hour - completing the whole programme and felt pretty fab about myself.

So i think that's it. I will try not to feel so alone anymore, b/c when I think of it, i'll never be alone: i have my donor in me and my donor to thank for still being here.

To quote Cassie: "cheer the fuck up"

1 comment:

Amy said...

Think about this...when spring comes you will be in great shape and so will your new lungs!!! So get out there and walk walk walk and then run!!!!!