Back!

I'm back! Back from the wedding that is!

1) Yes I brought O2

2) No I didn't use it

3) Yes i danced to my hearts content, and got out of breath

4) Yes i cursed the shitty state of my lungs

5) No I didn't give a shit

6) Yes I had fun

7) Yes I entertained another bridesmaids son with my copious amounts of drug paraphenalia

8) No I didnt sleep the night we stayed in the hotel b/c I didn't use my O2

9) Yes i was exhausted

10) No, I do not care about the consequences; tho I think i'm being struck down with pleurisy again on the left side

11) YES, IT WAS WORTH IT

That's a ginormous run-down of the weekend, which aptly ran from Thurs-Sun morning. By the end of the wedding night, my feet wanted to explode b/c they were so sore, and I felt the backs of my legs were so sore that if i dared to walk anymore that they might just break off and fall away from me and i'd be a puddle of torso in the middle of the linolium floor of the reception hall. But like I said, it was completely worth it.

By some great divine force, I felt relatively well during the whole weekend. I ignored my respiratory problems at great lengths, and at moments found myself forgetting and wondering how on earth it was that i needed a tx (adrenaline and denial are a great thing when they work together). Of course i'm exhausted today, as I was yesterday, and I think the almighty hand of illness is smiting itself upon me with another dose of pleurisy in the works, this time sparing my recovering right side and doing it's job to the left. I don't care. I just don't care. I lived this weekend - like a person, not a shell. I experienced, and it was great, and illness and being short of breath did not stop me b/c it didn't not exist. I didn't let it. Sure, I had to take ventolin a dozen times but w/e. To take 2 days out of life was fantastic. To be able to stand up for my friend and for once not let my probs stand in the way and keep my behind the metal door felt amazing.

I caught myself wondering today, as I stood behind the sink, that I can't possibly fathom of life w/o respiratory probs. The thought of being able to breathe and not have issues like this to stand in my way - like a normal person - baffles me to great lengths. I'm used to trying so so hard and always failing when it comes to breathing....by doing everything by the books and doing it all, only to see no results but failure. The fact that this time next year, I may very well likely be able to dance all night and not break a sweat, or cough, or lose my breath...the thought that getting dressed and being overcome with the immense urge to burst out laughing until my ribs want to break through my skin.....It's weird. It's exciting. And though I was so close to experiencing this myself for 2 days this weekend....it was still far away and surreal. But i'm glad i was given a window of opportunity to have a taste at the future.

Ok I've talked enough. Here's a pics from the weekend!

Wedding

Jess is getting married in 2 days!

First the good news: i'm feeling a lot better!

Now the bad news: i have heat rash on my face - again!

So i hope it disappears.

In sad news, i went to campus today and officially de-regsistered for the the fall semester:( It broke my heart to do it, and it ripped me apart to be on campus knowing that i won't be a part of the student population come the fall:( But at the same time, i know that i wouldn't enjoy it on behalf of a little something called needing a transplant. To go to school simply to attend class, and spend all your time doing homework, and not go to the bar, hang out on campus, partake in events and homecoming and stuff, that's no fun, and I want to use my last year wisely to be able to participate in that stuff. So if it means i have to wait to until i'm 100% better, that's fine. I"m not going to fuck up my last semester/year of uni by getting crappy marks and doing a half-assed job on things b/c i didn't have sufficient energy to do it. I wanna finish uni in style with a massive party and make memories that i'll laugh about until i'm 1000 years old.

You know?

I've decided for the wedding on saturday that i'm going to forget all my issues. I hope my lungs allow me to feel normal, and for once i'm going to allow myself to not hold back. I am going to be normal this weekend. Fuck everything. Fuck consequences; i'll meet them later. Rules were meant to be broken anyways, otherwise we woulnd't have any to begin with. O2 will not be accompanying me to the festivities; simply too much of a hassle. Yes my meds will be there so that's fine. I want to forget everything and just have fun. That's the bottom line.

Sometimes i feel like i'm standing in front of a metal door, and everyone can go through it but me. Somehow, I'm not allowed. Somehow, it's always in my way, holding me back, preventing me from fully emerging from the prison that is my lungs...they're shackles. I can only go so far before they pull me back. It sucks, but this weekend, I'm going through those revolving metal doors too and i am going to be a normal person. I don't care about anything else. I really don't.

Celebrate now; pay later, right?

Right.

I think that's it for now. I havent taken any Motrin today! YAY! Pleurisy is hopefully disipatting...or h/e the hell you spell it.

That's all for now! I'll write Sunday when i get back!