My Double Lung Transplant

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Now comes the scary part

Life.

Oh life.

You slap me in the face at the worst of times.

You scare me when you creep up on me and remind me that it is time to remove myself from my sick little bubble that has kept me safe for these past 2 years and finally emerse myself into this world called 'life'. While it was not the most fun thing I could have ever done, you did have perks: worries were small; things were taken day to day; my days were governed and planned by how i felt and how much energy i had; i wore sweatpants all the time; i didn't need to worry about going out and finding a job or being back at school; i had no commitment to anything.

And now...I'm 5 months out, and while no one forced me to enroll back in school, i've got 1 online course that i'm doing and already feeling stress for; i want to start applying for jobs so i can get work and make up some much-needed money, maybe finally graduate in the spring(?), work a lot in the summer (which will be fine b/c i won't have academic commitments then - weeeeee!)...and maybe apply to a college to go through for counceling? We'll see...

So yea. I've been a ball of stress trying to make my way through this crazy jungle called 'what the fuck do i do now, life?' phase. It's scary when it just shows up unannounced. I no longer feel safe and protected by having the leisure of saying 'i'm a student', because honestly, i'm way past being a student, i want to be out there and doing a normal job...or at least something more focused rather than an undergrad.

One. Thing. At. A . Time.

I know.

But fuck.

Life. You're here; but why must you be so scary!?

3 comments:

Amy said...

I have a decent idea what you mean. One of the things that excites me and scares me about tx is that I'll have a life again. I mean I still have one now but I'll be able to actually work full time, have a social life AND a family. While that soinds so exciting and I long for it, it also scares me. I'll have no excuse for doing nothing all day (like today I'm still in my pjs and glasses), nor will I be able to refuse invitations because I'll no longer have the sick card.

But maybe the best part is that now you can feel totally stressed out about normal life and not whether or not you'll be able to breathe today :)

Love ya!!

Jess said...

That's gotta be a totally normal reaction, like what the heck do I do now that I can actually DO something. I fear that part after transplant, because it will be out of our comfort zone. School is great, I hope it gets less stressful

Alice said...

I remember that feeling so well!!!! And it lasted a few months... until I got so busy I didn't have time to worry about it anymore :-) ENJOY the new scary stresses... Chris and I will be BUYING a townhouse/apartment soon... then comes new streses for me like paying a BOND, and electricity, and water, and all other grown-up shit! But 2 years ago I NEVER thought I'd be worrying about stuff like that, so it's all good :-) GOOD LUCK