I've decided/learned that I am too hard on myself.
It's pretty obvious that in my last entry I was writing from an incredible place of mental turmoil, which is never fun, and I thank all 3 people for their kind comments! Today I woke from a great sleep (got ALL my readings for school done which always helps), and then the wheels in my head started turning and i started sinking into the "what the fuck do I do with life/how do i get there?" mode.
Mistake #1: thinking too hard too early in the morning.
Mistake #2: thinking with no tea in my system.
I can write this from a state of mental clarity. I'm on my 4th tea and am feeling pretty amped. I've decided that as for work, I will put that off till around April when the semester wraps up, and for the time being, focus on school and health instead. I think having a job while trying to manage school and my health would be too much, too soon, and work can wait. I'm only 5 months out of transplant, still have frequent appts and I think that would be putting a lot of undue stress on myself that I don't really need. That was stressing me out. Stressing me out so much that i was almost physically sick with wanting to drop out of school and say fuck it all.
But finally - finally! - a mental breakthrough today! AND I FEEL FABULOUS! Stress sucks balls but I do beleive you need it in order to realize what exactly you want, and elminate just what you don't need. Regardless of how much of a bitch stress is, I do beleive it has some purpose.
Also, a huge extended thanks goes out to English Breakfast tea for playing an imperitive role in restoring my sanity. I'm on #5 right now, and i feel sane. To again, quote my friend Robert, "It's a public service that i drink caffine....otherwise, don't come within 1000ft of me"
I agree - i'm quite a miserable bitch w/o tea in my system.
So yes, gone with stress. I'm done my readings for the week, i've come to academic conclusions (go see guidance and career councelor on Monday to get my career on track - which i finally know how to do!), don't worry about work, and just chill, and be zen, and enjoy every moment i am blessed to experience.
Hope you're all lovely.