My Double Lung Transplant

Friday, October 9, 2009

Too much, too soon?

Do you pay attention to your dreams? Do you actually remember what happens, or are you one of the (apparently, ‘normal’) people, who dream but don’t actually remember in specific detail just what goes on?

Almost everyone knows that i’m a huge dreamer – literally and figuratively. But i always remember my dreams in every detail and can 95% of the time recite at least 4 dreams I have each night.

I had 3 last night.

Most of my telling dreams occur between the hours of 3-5am, and although I am actually asleep for them, I know that they occur between these times for some reason. Ironically enough, they say that between the hours of 3-5am is when the gap between the living and the deceased is bridged and communication is a lot easier b/c the lines that keep us separate blur allegedly. That’s what ‘they’ say – who knows who ‘they’ are though. I’m not forcing anyone to read or believe any of this either.

Either way, I’m the sort of person who pays a lot of attention to what I dream, b/c for myself, my dreams help me sort out a lot of what’s going on in my life and helps me figure out shit. I get a lot of answers in my dreams as well. Visits too – which is precisely what happened lastnight.
I had a visit from Karyn. It was her, but at the same time it wasn’t – though i knew it WAS. She didn’t tell me anything important tho...we were just walking and it was more like she was seeing how i was doing and telling me to be careful. But she wasn’t. She was talking to me but I don’t remember sound coming out.


The second visit has kind of made me feel cautious today. Not to go into too many specifics, I had a visit from Jason, my transplant friend who unfortunately passed away in May. I’ve never had a dream about him before, and didn’t think I’d get a visit seeing as we weren’t very close. We were friends, but he had others he was closer to. But for some reason he showed up in my dream last night. We were in a field/park/pasture. It was really green (the colour of life) – vivid shades of greens – and there was an old wooden fence behind us, before a line of trees. The sky was overcast, but the type of overcast that makes the sky shriek with brightness. He had on a greyish blue shirt and a backwards hat. I could see myself at some points but I don’t remember what I looked like. And i can’t remember in detail what he was telling me, but he was also telling me to be careful. I don’t know why, but it’s a theme that has been running through my head for days.

Is it possible for things to be TOO good? I feel like I need to slow down almost. The exact words that flash through my head is to ‘not push my luck’. Should i take better care of myself? I know I am but should I maybe not go out so much? It’s confusing, b/c i want to use my new gift of life to each and every advantage, but at the same time, I need to be careful and take it easy. I drove to my old rehab today and the whole drive over i felt jumpy. I felt like I had to be careful...like I should pull over and go home and get off the road. The longer I drove, the stronger the feeling got.

Regardless, I went, and it was fine, but the feeling is still nagging me. I got home and I plan on staying here. Thank goodness for spidey senses, and friends who look out for you even on the other side. Nothing has happened to me, but i feel like something – somewhere, to someone, not necessarily me – might (God forbid, and i hope i’m wrong). Maybe I’m wrong; maybe I’m thinking too much. Maybe my mind is being overly reflexive and is mirroring the weather today (rainy, dark, cold – kind of perfect!).

Is it sad that what actually brought a giant smile to my face was the fact that I realized i could read all day undisturbed?? LOL. No, I am actually in a happy mood today, like always, but there’s just this intuitive vibe running through my head. I feel very....in tune today. It doesn’t really bother me, i’ve always been like this and can’t imagine knowing anything different...but i don’t know why i feel compelled to stay safe inside the nest today.

Thoughts?

And yes, I re-did the blog again. Thoughts again? Lke? Dislike? I like, though I need to get used to the fairy people on the side.


Hmm...well, upon talking to Megan i think i may be closer to figuring out why i feel like this today. Maybe nothing is going to happen, but rather, maybe someone is with me. My donor? I said. Maybe it’s their bday?

And when I said that, i got chills. The hairs on my arm stood up (esp. Forearms, that’s how i know), and i got cold. My heart is pounding.

Could I be right? Could this be what’s bothering me?

Well, I think it’s your birthday today, donor...Congratulations are in order.

Cheers – for whatever reason. Thanks for looking out for me?? And most importantly, thanks for saving me and keeping me in check.

5 comments:

Lucie said...

Im a big dreamer too, and dont think anything can be TOO good. Lifes full of peaks and valleys and i think your character is defined by how well you deal with the valleys.

Its so good to meet another CF'er on blogger!

Have a great weekend.
Lucie xxxx

(www.luciebluephotography.blogspot.com)

LittleM said...

You're so awesome Bree... I love the possibility.. imagine if you were right? I like the new design.. where'd you get it?

realgonegal said...

Love the pixies, especially the one going "shhh" because your blog is anything but "shh" It comes right out and says it, but I love the demure pixies!

Dreams, I know you have telling ones in the past. There's been a lot of talk in the media of late to take precautions this season, you have a pal with H1N1 and you are on a lot of immunosupression. It's no wonder you are having dreams to be careful! I was lucky because I had the summer to go out and experience my gift of life without H1N1 hanging right over me post operatively. Still, I'm taking precautions myself. You know I am not shy to wear a mask into public places, carry purell, and avoid peak times and tourists attractions. But it's a balancing act. I'm really not sure how many Christmas parties I'll get to this year. Or maybe I WILL get to them, I just won't eat the finger food. It's all a balance I think.

realgonegal said...

Love the pixies, especially the one going "shhh" because your blog is anything but "shh" It comes right out and says it, but I love the demure pixies!

Dreams, I know you have telling ones in the past. There's been a lot of talk in the media of late to take precautions this season, you have a pal with H1N1 and you are on a lot of immunosupression. It's no wonder you are having dreams to be careful! I was lucky because I had the summer to go out and experience my gift of life without H1N1 hanging right over me post operatively. Still, I'm taking precautions myself. You know I am not shy to wear a mask into public places, carry purell, and avoid peak times and tourists attractions. But it's a balancing act. I'm really not sure how many Christmas parties I'll get to this year. Or maybe I WILL get to them, I just won't eat the finger food. It's all a balance I think.
Alex

Amy said...

Happy maybe birthday Bree's donor lungs!!!!

I usually remember my dreams too. :)