My Double Lung Transplant

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Since Canada Day, 2 more people in my circle of friends have gotten their txs. And while i am happy for them, i question the genuine-ness of it. I'm getting fed up. It seems like everyone around me is getting their tx's and i'm not even given a second thought. Everyone keeps telling me my time is coming but i'm finding it harder and harder to see any hope in that statement. People tell me "be strong, your time is coming" i kind of want to say "fuck you".

It's not easy waiting. If anything, it's getting harder. My patience for all things life is shrinking, and i feel like a horrible person for living in a state of misery. I feel like all my friends are getting their tickets out of this jail cell but me, b/c for some secret reason known only to the government, I am not allowed to be out in society, funcioning like a normal person. That kind of goodness apparently isn't the cards for me and that kind of goodness will never be bestowed upon me. Apparently, I have used up all my goodness and am not allowed to have any more. And in thinking that, i feel like i've wasted my life.

Maybe i'm just a miserable bitch. Maybe i don't deserve a transplant. Maybe i murdered someone in my last life and this is my punishment. Maybe i set something on fire in my last life. I dunno, but it must've been something horrible b/c i can't think of any punishment worse than this. Really.

I have to stop thinking. Someone, please take my brain away from me, it's making me think.


Amy said...

I've got nothing good to say except HUGS :)

Jess said...

I hate getting into those funks. Waiting for transplant is a lot like waiting in a line that curves around a corner, you know there's a destination, but we don't know how many people are ahead of us. Hoping your spirits lift soon!