My Double Lung Transplant

Thursday, November 20, 2008


I was greeted today a little after lunch, by the Spawn (aka Brooke), when she ran from the laundry room into the kitchen, hacking and coughing and sputtering.

Sometimes I question whether or not the Spawn was born with a brain, and this train of though was swiftly verified when she proceeded to hack and vomit up shit all over the floor. I'm not talking about food, or eating something random, I'm talking about dog shit. She eats it, and it's a female thing and is very prevelant among female dogs especially if they've had litters. It doesn't matter how frequently you scoop the crap in the backyard, somebody always has a secret stash somewhere, and apparently the Spawn found it, and ate it, and puked it up to my virgin eyes all over the carpet.
And let me tell you, it smelled rancid. I don't think I've ever screamed so much in my life. I don't think i ever gagged so much. I think even Zoey was so offended that she wouldn't even come near the kitchen. I coughed and I gagged and I almost lost my ham sandwich as i cleaned the shit up. Then she did an encore and barfed at the slider door...and into the runner and everywhere, and I fell to my knees and screamed like a demon child. I didn't matter how much OxyCleaner i sprayed, or how many candles i lit....the house smelt like shit, and opening windows for a long time isn't an option as currently, there'a bout 10cm of snow outside and it's -5!
Cleaning the crap up was tedious and painful. Not painful b/c it smelt like shit, but painful in the lungular region. God, it hurts so much to move my arms in a cleaning motion. It's the same pain i get when i do laundry...when i transfer it from the washer to the dryer, and when i'm folding. It's the same pain i get when i walk, the same pain i got yesterday when i was at No Frills buying ingredients for fudge and stupidly lugging around a basket. It's this feeling of pain that's so tremendous that you seriously believe at any moment you're going to drop and just die on the spot. It's a feeling like your lungs are being ripped from your trachea one bronchi at a time, and it's horrible and i can't really describe it. It sucks. Sometimes, it's a feeling like you've been kicked in the sternum from the some tiny little elf is trying to get out.
And i forgot to mention that when i got blood taken at the hosp last week (or maybe i mentioned it), the nurse informed me that my nails were blue - even though i had oxygen on. Spendid.
Oh well.
Hopefully i'll get my call soon. Hope you're all well.


Stephanie said...

I've never commented before and can't even remember how I came upon your blog, but I wanted to let you know that: 1) I think you're hilarious, 2) my dog has poo-vomited also...but she did it in my LAP (the single most disgusting thing I've ever experienced), and 3) I really, really, really hope you get your call soon.

Bree said...

Aww thanks so much!:)

Poo vomiting is the single most disgusting thing a dog can do! At least in my experience. I'm sure they'll manage to top it some day.

Amy said...

Eww I think I just threw up a little!!!! Gross!! I'm lucky my dog doesn't eat shit but my old roommates dog ate it and he would vomit it all the time. I wanted to strangle that bastard!!!!

Matt Todd said...

I'm not so sure its just a girl dog thing. One of my old dogs who was a male liked to eat poop. But mostly only in the winter. I don't know if its because it was hard or not. Then my moms dogs, both male, both enjoy eating poop. The one seems to like it fresh and nearly eats it right from the others rear. That is really disgusting. Out current female dog likes to eat poop too. Not sure what the reason dogs like poop so much. But i know they seem to like stinky things.