My Double Lung Transplant

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I've been thinking....

I've been thinking.

There's got to be some formula - some code that has to be cracked, some nutshell, somewhere - that will lead me to getting my call. There's got to be. Plain and simple. This is what i've determined. I've noticed a pattern among people (and it's probably imagined but nonetheless) that those who get the call seem to be in some state of nirvana....and they've accepted the fact that they are waiting and they fully understand that their call will come when it's meant to. Well fuck, i've done that too, and not a call! Sure, I had one in Sept, but damn my horrible soul, I probably wasn't completely accepting of my situation.

Do these people commit some divine act that greatly benefits society? Must I step outside of my horrible, selfish little shell, and give willingly, or something? I do make a point to do a random act of kindness everyday, and these random acts usually consist of letting someone change a lane in front of me, or yeilding to pedestrians, or picking up the cheese when it falls out its space in the fridge door when I open it, but is that enough? What must I do?? I say my prayers every night (no lie). No doubt it's unconventional and doesn't follow any... thing, but i don't think that matters. I think it's the thought that counts.

Fuck.

What am I doing wrong? I know it's normal to feel this way; I know it's normal to feel doomed, to feel torn up on the inside about what I want and stuff, but....fuck. That's all I can say. That sums it all up perfectly, my favourite word in the English dictionary: fuck.

Oh well. It's entirely too obvious that I've sat and thought about this too much.

Today I go to the docs. My prescriptions have all run out of refills, so I am bringing them in a bag (b/c i don't remember dosages) and i'll lay it on the table for my doc to copy and we'll see. Also, I may fold and get a handicapped parking space. No, I don't have one. It won't only benefit me now as I wait, but i heard it's handy immediately post transplant so that's good. We'll see how it goes.

That's about it. I must go, my hands are freezing.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!

2 comments:

BreathinSteven said...

Hey Beautiful Girl...

FUCK fuck FUCK fuck fuck... It really can be a beautiful word...

And you're not doing anything wrong... And there is no code to be cracked... And those of us who got through this have not committed some devine act greatly benefitting society (though I really would like to do that someday...)

And even though it's normal to feel this way -- that doesn't mean it doesn't suck any less... Don't wallow in it though -- vent it now and then and let people know how you're feeling -- then move on... I know there are a lot of people out there who love you, and want this for you so badly... I want this for you so badly...

Waiting sucks, Bree... Maybe that's why it rhymes with fuck -- who knows?!?! Maybe focus on each day, even though they're sometimes long days... Don't think about the length of the path behind you confirming how long you've been waiting -- and don't think about what's ahead of you -- just take things day to day and one of these days it will happen... You can't do anything to rush or influence the outcome beyond what you're already doing...

I waited for an unusually long time myself -- I had four false alarms before my fifth call... I don't know how much time I had left... I've been heavily involved in our hospital support group since I was listed -- that's over 11 years now... There's no magic... You hear, "it's when you least expect it", or "it's when you finally give up", or "accepted your wait" or "reached nirvana" or even "when I really wanted it" or "when I dreamed about it..." It can be all of them... I've seen someone wait less than 24 hours -- I waited almost three years -- I've seen longer and everything inbetween...

Get your handicap parking space -- you're on O2 (or at least often) and it's not simply a convenience -- it's not "folding"... And I hope that, very soon, you will not need that space...

I think about you often, Bree... Hang in there buckaroo...

Love,

Steve

Matt Todd said...

Get yourself a handicapped permit. You'll be pretty weak after transplant and not walking so well. It will save you.