I've been thinking....

I've been thinking.

There's got to be some formula - some code that has to be cracked, some nutshell, somewhere - that will lead me to getting my call. There's got to be. Plain and simple. This is what i've determined. I've noticed a pattern among people (and it's probably imagined but nonetheless) that those who get the call seem to be in some state of nirvana....and they've accepted the fact that they are waiting and they fully understand that their call will come when it's meant to. Well fuck, i've done that too, and not a call! Sure, I had one in Sept, but damn my horrible soul, I probably wasn't completely accepting of my situation.

Do these people commit some divine act that greatly benefits society? Must I step outside of my horrible, selfish little shell, and give willingly, or something? I do make a point to do a random act of kindness everyday, and these random acts usually consist of letting someone change a lane in front of me, or yeilding to pedestrians, or picking up the cheese when it falls out its space in the fridge door when I open it, but is that enough? What must I do?? I say my prayers every night (no lie). No doubt it's unconventional and doesn't follow any... thing, but i don't think that matters. I think it's the thought that counts.

Fuck.

What am I doing wrong? I know it's normal to feel this way; I know it's normal to feel doomed, to feel torn up on the inside about what I want and stuff, but....fuck. That's all I can say. That sums it all up perfectly, my favourite word in the English dictionary: fuck.

Oh well. It's entirely too obvious that I've sat and thought about this too much.

Today I go to the docs. My prescriptions have all run out of refills, so I am bringing them in a bag (b/c i don't remember dosages) and i'll lay it on the table for my doc to copy and we'll see. Also, I may fold and get a handicapped parking space. No, I don't have one. It won't only benefit me now as I wait, but i heard it's handy immediately post transplant so that's good. We'll see how it goes.

That's about it. I must go, my hands are freezing.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!