My Double Lung Transplant

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Confessions

I had a breakdown today.

Alone, but with a friend, about everything....life, it sucks, people suck.

I'm just tired of this lung tx shit....i'm tired and mad that other ppl's lives are going on when mine's on hold. I'm mad that this has happened to me.

I'm mad that people are gloating about getting their stupid fucking jobs and i'm mad that i can't work; i'm mad that people know what they want to do in life and that i feel like i'm at a dead end. I'm mad that some people make me feel like this is my own fault sometimes when i know it's not their intention.

The only way out of this crappy situation is to get new lungs, and i can't just wish for that to happen. I hate that i'm waiting for someone to die.

What am i gonna keep doing? Sit at home while the world goes on, and my friends graduate and get jobs? It's depressing when i see people who have been waiting for lungs for 2 years. I feel hopeless.

I got really upset when my mum hired someone in her office: our neighbour, and I can't be upset b/c i'm in no condition to work....but had I had - had i been - it might just be me, and instead i'm going poor. Everyone talks and talks and talks about their fucking job, where i get excited b/c i'm getting a new portable oxygen tank that has continuous flow. I told my dad and he goes, "there's always something wrong." I know he didn't say it to me to be mean or make me feel bad...he says it out of worry and i know it's not personal, but i can't help but feel that way, it sucks, and half the time I don't think people consider how this all affects me, like it's all fine and fucking dandy.

Well it's not. I can't get upset that my people have jobs, i'm happy for them, but I feel like if i ever mention that i feel unwell, then all of a sudden i'm always negative; and when i tell people i'm 'fine', they say they know i'm not and it's essentially BS.

Fuck people sometimes.

Fuck everyone and fuck it all.

Why did this have to happen?

Why did this have to happen at all?

Anyways, I bitched and moaned to a friend, who gave me her crappy day and her fears, and it put it all into perspective. While our situations are vastly different, I came to this conclusion: we're all fucked.

Life is just a giant waiting room and we're all waiting to get shit on.

Thank you.

2 comments:

don said...

Hey I cant say that I know exactly how you feel cos I am still about 1-2 years away from getting listed, but I know what it feels like when everybody around you start their jobs and get on with real life. I hate it, I would so love to do a 9-5 job! I feel useless all the time, and whats worst is I know I have allot of potential and Im sure you do as well and feel the same way. I wish I had a answer for you but im struggling with the same thing myself by being treated with IVs every 2weeks. But I guess what im trying to say is that your not alone. Hope that makes you feel a bit better.

I really hope you get those lungs soon and be happy again.

Donald, SA

Alice said...

I agree with Donald... even though my life is a million times better now, 5 months ago I felt EXACTLY the same... My friends who went to varsity with me were starting their SECOND year of working, and I was just stuck at home, feeling like shit, doing IV's, wanting to kill my ex for leaving me when I could really use his support. And then people get upset because they think they're 'fat'... everyone's problems seemed more manageable that NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE. And having a future. It was almost like 'so what if your parents are getting a divorce/ your gran died/ your cat disappeared/whatever, at least you're gonna grow old and get to live LIFE, and get married, and have kids etc. I prob won't.' And I still have trouble getting a job, but at least it's so easy to deal with that when you can BREATHE. Everything seems easy. So keep the faith, next week this time you may be in ICU recovering and on your way to a FUTURE!!