I had a breakdown today.
Alone, but with a friend, about everything....life, it sucks, people suck.
I'm just tired of this lung tx shit....i'm tired and mad that other ppl's lives are going on when mine's on hold. I'm mad that this has happened to me.
I'm mad that people are gloating about getting their stupid fucking jobs and i'm mad that i can't work; i'm mad that people know what they want to do in life and that i feel like i'm at a dead end. I'm mad that some people make me feel like this is my own fault sometimes when i know it's not their intention.
The only way out of this crappy situation is to get new lungs, and i can't just wish for that to happen. I hate that i'm waiting for someone to die.
What am i gonna keep doing? Sit at home while the world goes on, and my friends graduate and get jobs? It's depressing when i see people who have been waiting for lungs for 2 years. I feel hopeless.
I got really upset when my mum hired someone in her office: our neighbour, and I can't be upset b/c i'm in no condition to work....but had I had - had i been - it might just be me, and instead i'm going poor. Everyone talks and talks and talks about their fucking job, where i get excited b/c i'm getting a new portable oxygen tank that has continuous flow. I told my dad and he goes, "there's always something wrong." I know he didn't say it to me to be mean or make me feel bad...he says it out of worry and i know it's not personal, but i can't help but feel that way, it sucks, and half the time I don't think people consider how this all affects me, like it's all fine and fucking dandy.
Well it's not. I can't get upset that my people have jobs, i'm happy for them, but I feel like if i ever mention that i feel unwell, then all of a sudden i'm always negative; and when i tell people i'm 'fine', they say they know i'm not and it's essentially BS.
Fuck people sometimes.
Fuck everyone and fuck it all.
Why did this have to happen?
Why did this have to happen at all?
Anyways, I bitched and moaned to a friend, who gave me her crappy day and her fears, and it put it all into perspective. While our situations are vastly different, I came to this conclusion: we're all fucked.
Life is just a giant waiting room and we're all waiting to get shit on.