My Double Lung Transplant

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

"Dr. Benson I smell burnt toast!"

I write this as the smell of brown sugar floats up the stairs. Most likely, someone is making oatmeal.

When I told Beka that I smelt brown sugar, she asked me if I was having a stroke. I then screamed, "DR. BENSON, I SMELL BURNT TOAST!" and we laughed and laughed like horrible people do.

If you're not Canadian, then you don't know what I'm talking about. This saying is part of a series of commericals called "Part of Our Heritage", and this one in particular shows how Canadians pioneered brain surgery. The woman is initially shown in her house and she thing you know she's on the operating table (it about the 50's or 60's - red lipstick and all) when he touches a portion of her brain and she cries in a French accent, "I smell burnt toast....DR. BENSON - I SMELL BURNT TOAST!" and he smiles and the world turns into a happy place. The woman lies there...her exposed brain propped on a table; her head, a lot lower than it should be.

Anyways, I'm sure you don't want to hear about some old-age brain commerical, i'm sure you're eager to hear about how today was so I shall continue gabbing. So i had my check up today, and I will spare you all from boring unnecissary details.

Of course of course, I woke up today feeling better than I usually do. FUCK. I always feel 'ok' when i go to the tx center! And it makes me feel like a fucking FRAUD when i gawk around at ppl who are hooked to O2, who are hacking and coughing up little goblins of emphasyma everywhere (that was low and not called for, but incredibly funny but also exaggerated). Anyways, there are ppl who are visibly sick there. Me - i am deceiving b/c i dont LOOK sick. I may feel shitty but I don't really look like it. So i did my tests and the doctor (who looks like Eric Clapton) comes in and says that everyting is stable and looks the same, and that it's up to me if i want to be listed.

WELL OF COURSE I DO! BUT! My issue is that I have trouble conveying to him exactly HOW shitty I feel, and he knows that. I have a tendency to tell ppl i'm "not bad" when infact I feel like rotten ass. My mum told him i put on a front so i don't bother ppl, which he understood. Long story short, he asked me if i wanted to be listed now, or after exams (this was after i started bawling and telling him how I hated school and i hate everything b/c everything is hard to do. And as soon as i started crying I stopped - which probably made him think it was an act or something). ANYWAYS! He's a nice man and i think he KNOWS that i want to be listed, but i have to more or less show him how much i want this.

SO! I will go back Apr. 16th to see if I will be listed then. In the meantime, I've begun a list of what makes me out of breath and How i feel, which I hope demonstrates to him how much i want this and how dedicated I am.

That's all for now. I will write more later. As more happens.


Anonymous said...

Bree... I have 2 things to say.
1 - I definately woe up smelling chocolate cae :p
2 - you are the strongest, more wonderfull woman i now. You can do anything you want to do girl. I now this sounds cliche, but i'm here for you... always. I know you put on a front and i completely understand... but n all you ROCK!

Anonymous said...

p.s. above is me - Beka

Marjolein said...

I know you can do this. That you will get this great gift.

Hang in there sweetie, keep fighting for it and you'll win