My Double Lung Transplant

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Confessions of a Lunatic

The world has ended: I can't get onto Facebook.

Enough mindless babble. I need to confess something. I confessed it to Caitlin; I may as well confess it here.

I have all these crazy thoughts running through my head about being listed. It's consuming me. I'm being eaten by transplant.

I want to be listed, but i'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll get it and I'll die, b/c the timing wasn't right. And i don't want to die - I'd feel like i got fucked and it was all my fault. B/c if it wasn't meant to be (the tx timing - like right now, like today) and it wasn't God's time, then He'll off and kill me b/c it wasn't my time to get it, and that I fucked up His Holy plan or something.

Fuck. I fucking hate thinking.

Actually, I just downloaded "You Can Count on Me" by Default. "..I'm here for you so don't forget you can/ Count on me coz I will carry you till you carry on/Anytime you need someone/Somebody strong to lean on/Well you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone/Anytime you fall apart/You can hide here in my arms/And you can count on me to hold you till that feeling is gone"

Thanks, Default.

Anyways, now that I've had time to go crazy my head is clear. Thank you confession land, and Default.

I do beleive it is my time to be listed, but I hope and pray that the next time i can be afforded the luxery to feel like my regular shitty self when i see my tx doctors; not some illusion that's been provided courtesy of nerves and adreneline.

Oh thoughts and brain, you slay me with your monkey babble.

*turns to Default*

"I'm here for you so don't forget....you can count on me to hold you till this feeling is gone"

Aaaaaaaaaand scene.

5 comments:

BreathinSteven said...

Hey You Beautiful Lunatic...

Thinking always gets us into trouble -- don't it?!?!

You aren't the only one with crazy thoughts running through your head about being listed -- or about life -- or more importantly, about living...

And don't worry about God and how He'll feel -- He's got enough to worry about with YOU!!! If it's not on God's time -- how can it even happen -- and He would never off and kill you b/c you're one of his precious children... And more important than that -- you're one of his suffering children...

Let it ride, Bree -- let this journey go where it needs to go... Your last post you were talking about feeling like a fraud because you felt at your appointments, you don't appear to be as sick as you often feel... Adrenaline will do that to you all the time... Your doctors know you're sick -- they've seen it and they know where this goes... This doesn't get better and they know that...

You'll be listed. If not at the end of your term -- then soon... I have little doubt you'll be listed next time you tell them you're ready... And you're not alone in this scary journey -- there are a lot of people out here thinking about you, like me...

You might get it and die -- but you probably won't die... The likelihood is VERY strong that you won't die -- the percentages of survivors is VERY high... Run with that... And this is NEVER your fault -- whatever you choose, the outcome is not your fault. You did not stand in a line somewhere and say, "Give me a nice, big serving of shitty lungs!!! If it's not too much trouble..."

Well -- if you did, THAT's your fault...

We don't want you to die either... I want you to be able to run and play and have fun -- I want you to be able to laugh uncontrollably, without seeing blue spots after a minute... I want you to be able to shed those old lungs and grab onto life with all you have...

I think you're on the right path, Bree -- I think you're making all of the right decisions... You're not making decisions for God -- if you want to look at it this way, you're following the path that He's lighting for you... And fucking please pray that He doesn't count the number of times you type fuck or I say it...

Anyhoo -- stop thinking so much... Have you ever roasted Peeps? Like roasting marshmallows? Get the yellow ones -- they carmelize very nicely... You've got to do it patiently -- they're not good when they catch fire like regular marshmallows... And if you do it right, the sugar coating carmelizes and hardens and it's like creme brule on a stick -- it's freakin' awesome.

And they're even better with new lungs...

Love,

Steve

hobbz said...

Hey Bree,
I just wanted to say that your blog is truly inspirational and I really admire the honesty with which you share your thoughts. I'd like to 1. add you as a link on my own blog
fms-tiger.blogspot.com

and two I'd like to say TAG YOUR IT!

1. write your own six word memoire
2. post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want
3. link to the person that tagged you in your post and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.
4. tag at least five more blogs with links
5. leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

hobbz

hobbz said...

So here's my thoughts....while I can't pretend to know how you feel, facing the thought of adding your name to that list...I do know how it feels to BE sick and not LOOK sick. It brings with it a whole new dynamic to being chronically ill. People see you differently, but don't EVER think that you aren't suffering and that you don't deserve to be in the doc's office! You do, You are sick and You are you and nobody else. Feel greatful that you have the health that you do, and take care of what needs to be taken care of, but don't make it into a situation of who is worse off...it's a lose/lose proposition. We all have our own illnesses to bare and we all look different...be proud to be who you are and to be dealing with this difficult situation, in such a mature and admirable way! You truly are inspiring to me!

hobbz

Anonymous said...

Hey Chicklet,
You can count on me. But you already know that :)
LOVE!

Alice said...

Stop thinking too much and get your ass listed ;-) Just kidding, but seriously, don't worry too much. I worried too much and everything worked out PERFECTLY. It's not in your hands. Things will work out for you, I just know it. You're also a fighter!