My Double Lung Transplant

Thursday, April 29, 2010

In the cemetary/Confessions

2 years ago today I was listed.

1 year ago today we got rid of the Red Rocket.

And today, I am alive, no longer on the list, nothing.

In celebration I took the Spawn for a walk in the cemetary. I know that sounds morbid but it's just so peaceful, there no children there for her to lunge at, and it's just...beautiful.

We parked near Karyn and took off from there. It gave me time to think and reflect on the last 2 years. Being listed wasn't necessarily a bad thing as it was the only ticket i had out of my old life. Without it, i'd probably be dead by now. I'd still be struggling for every little thing. But now? Now i can breathe easy and nothing stops me.

I thought about my donor and got teary eyed as usual.

And then i tackled the revelation that i can't have kids.

I've thought about it a lot, but whether i've actually thought indepth enough for me to get upset about it, i don't know. To be honest, i'm pretty ok with it. I've never wanted kids really, and that could explain my general lack of affection for all things children. They scream, they cry, they smell, they shit themselves and projectile vomit all over things. They destroy stuff. They take away 'me' time. And i'm too selfish to have that snatched away from me. But this doesn't mean i all-out hate children, i don't, i like a few of them, just not all.

If we're being honest, i always saw myself as the 'cool aunt' in life, the chick who has a lot of money and is always travelling. BUT. I've thought of adopting too. It's a huge responsibility.

So yeah. Part of me doesn't care, part of me is deeply upset, and part of me is relieved.

Maybe the conculsion is this: I am a horrible, selfish person.

That doesn't suprise me.

Um. I can't think of what else to post. Sorry if this is boring.


Matt Todd said...

I feel much the same way about children. And I dont really think you're selfish. Look at it this way, you're just thinking of the kid. You dont want to bring a kid into this world when you wouldnt be 100% in to it.

Anonymous said...