My Double Lung Transplant

Monday, August 3, 2009

What I've Learned from Horror Movies

1) If it feels like a bad idea, it probably is.

2) Wooden barriers between the outside world and the inside world are not efficient enough in keeping out the threat of a zombie invasion.

3) Running up the stairs is a bad idea...

4) But running down them will most likely result in getting you killed.

5) Contrary to popular beleifs, comforters and blankets do provide a legitimate protective shield against all-things scary.

6) Screaming and flailing will slow you down and get you caught.

7) There's never really an ending.

8) When a scary movie doesn't strike you as scary at the time, it will strike you as scary when you're alone, and in a dark place, with little to no light, and little chance of ever acheiving or locating an adequate light source.

9) Be in shape: there will be lots of running.

10) Running and screaming clearly isn't as hard as it looks

11) When you don't consider to look in the most obvious place for the bad guy, that's most likely where he is...behind you.

12) Don't ever enter the dark creepy house on the street. Just don't. Don't even look at it.

13) Your creepy neighbour has an actual reason for being creepy...

14) Look under you car, and in the backseat before getting in.

15) Daylight no longer means 'everything will be ok'.


17) Avoid small towns at all costs.

18) Don't talk to strangers. The rootword is 'strange' for a reason. Heed your mothers advice.

19) Resting is not an option.

20) Always, always look behind you, and never go in the water!

21) DON'T stand in front of windows - ever. Tinted, night time, day time. Just don't. Crawl underneath them if you must - just don't walk directly in front of them. Also, those curtains are pulled across for a reason. Leave them the fuck alone.

22) Calling 911 is pretty pointless. If you locate a car that works, boot it and get the fuck out. Cops will not save you.

23) And the cardinal rule from Scream, "everybody's a suspect!"

And with that, I am greatly regretting the fact that i allowed my mother to wash my comforter before i go to bed....for tonight i lack my protective shield from all things scary.



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