I beleive I am having a midlife crisis. Ever since Friday night or so.
I don't know if it's because it's been raining for the last week, and miserable-ish weather, that it's forced me to think, but i pinned myself down today and came to the realization that I am having a midlife crisis.
Yes. A midlife crisis at the age of 23. I may be the first, or I may not be.
It's not necessarily b/c of my health. Well, i guess my health is the main reason. I want to move out, I want to work, I want to go back to school, I want to feel better. Basically, I want to get on with my life, but my health is standing in my way. And unfortunately for me, there isn't a lot that I can do about that, except sit around and wait. Well, now that i've sat around on my ass for 15 months almost, i'm getting a little tired. I would like for things to progress so my life can begin and I can go on adventures and travel and find the love of my life and get married. You know?? It is frustrating.
I do not want to live at home forever. I do not want to be dependent on people forever. Most importantly, I wish I could be the same person all the time. This is another issue in my midlife crisis. I feel like who I am when I talk to people online is the real me: this fun-loving, crazy, wild person. But when i'm in person, i'm this docile, stagnant creature. Im not crazy, i don't run all over the place screaming. I sit and observe and I hate it more than you can know. And i know i'm like that b/c of my lungs. It's safer and easier for me to sit in one spot than it is to be constantly getting up and walking around and all that. I feel like i'm constantly apologizing to people for not being fun, even though they know my reasons. I need to smile more too. I do smile, but sometimes i guess not enough. I wish i could laugh out loud but getting thrown into the joys of a coughing fit can concern people. It's better to smile at jokes rather than laugh hysterically.
I wish things were different. When will they be different, I do not know. I hope, I pray, that things will change very soon, and that I can be my wild and crazy self again. I miss her. I like reading her things but it will be great when we can meet again and not be in this shell of illness anymore. It will be nice when illness doesn't separate my personality between MSN and real life.
I know tx is not without it's own battles, but to have the freedom to be - to be wild, crazy, fun-loving, and not just some written words, will be more amazing that I could ever know.
That concludes today's lecture. You are all dismissed.