My Double Lung Transplant

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Midlife crisis

I beleive I am having a midlife crisis. Ever since Friday night or so.

I don't know if it's because it's been raining for the last week, and miserable-ish weather, that it's forced me to think, but i pinned myself down today and came to the realization that I am having a midlife crisis.

Yes. A midlife crisis at the age of 23. I may be the first, or I may not be.

It's not necessarily b/c of my health. Well, i guess my health is the main reason. I want to move out, I want to work, I want to go back to school, I want to feel better. Basically, I want to get on with my life, but my health is standing in my way. And unfortunately for me, there isn't a lot that I can do about that, except sit around and wait. Well, now that i've sat around on my ass for 15 months almost, i'm getting a little tired. I would like for things to progress so my life can begin and I can go on adventures and travel and find the love of my life and get married. You know?? It is frustrating.

I do not want to live at home forever. I do not want to be dependent on people forever. Most importantly, I wish I could be the same person all the time. This is another issue in my midlife crisis. I feel like who I am when I talk to people online is the real me: this fun-loving, crazy, wild person. But when i'm in person, i'm this docile, stagnant creature. Im not crazy, i don't run all over the place screaming. I sit and observe and I hate it more than you can know. And i know i'm like that b/c of my lungs. It's safer and easier for me to sit in one spot than it is to be constantly getting up and walking around and all that. I feel like i'm constantly apologizing to people for not being fun, even though they know my reasons. I need to smile more too. I do smile, but sometimes i guess not enough. I wish i could laugh out loud but getting thrown into the joys of a coughing fit can concern people. It's better to smile at jokes rather than laugh hysterically.

I wish things were different. When will they be different, I do not know. I hope, I pray, that things will change very soon, and that I can be my wild and crazy self again. I miss her. I like reading her things but it will be great when we can meet again and not be in this shell of illness anymore. It will be nice when illness doesn't separate my personality between MSN and real life.

I know tx is not without it's own battles, but to have the freedom to be - to be wild, crazy, fun-loving, and not just some written words, will be more amazing that I could ever know.

That concludes today's lecture. You are all dismissed.


Jess said...

I hate this whole "being stagnant" thing too. We have so much left to do!!

Amy said...


BreathinSteven said...

Hey you...

Maybe for many of us, our "midlife crisis" comes earlier because our "midlife" comes earlier???

I know what you mean about stagnating - I remember how frustrating it is - but I'm on the other side now. I get to speak to groups about organ donation and about breathing with new lungs - and afterwards, often enough, I have people come up to me and tell me that I'm an inspiration... But I'm on the other side now - when I speak passionately about this, it's the Bree's of the world who are my inspiration - because I have an understanding of what you're going through... When I'm telling them about Kari, I'm thinking about you and Karen and so many others.

And yes - transplant is not without it's battles... But the outcomes of those battles are so much more promising than the battles you're dealing with now! And I can't wait until you have the freedom to be wild and crazy, travel, become independent, and especially find the love of your life and get married... I hope it happens soon...

Thank you for the lecture - thanks for reminding some of us where we've been, and where people we care about still are... Hang in there buckaroo...

Love, Steve