My Double Lung Transplant

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

And God said, "...'You're fucked. Sorry kid." *shrug*


I am fed up with waiting. I'm pissed off, i'm angry, and frustrated.


I have reached the point where my brain wants to explode. How long can a person wait? How many sympathy stares from older people can i continue to take? Today when i got blood taken the lady looked sadly at my two bruises from 2 weeks ago. She got sad when i told her what vein to go to. She got sad when she read on my chart that I'm waiting for a double lung transplant. And while she didn't tell me she was sad, i felt that feeling of saddness leak from her body and into my own.

"You're too young for this," she said. "You've been doing this too long."

Usually I don't let this stuff bother me, but today's been a day when it seems like EVERYTHING i attempt to do fails in epic proportions.

Combine that constant failures of the day with the fact that i feel like utter fucking shit and it can pretty well be established that it isn't taking much for my soul to feel like it's falling into a gutter full of shit.

Everyday it seems like I wake up and one more thing is taken away from me. The last couple of days i can barely put socks on without getting horribly out of breath. Walking around even slowing is horrible. It isn't fucking fair. I hate this.

To add to this, this fucking Acer laptop is being a complete and utter dick. I just turned it on and it's being so slow that i just want to beat the utter shit out of it. I want to throw it out the window. I want it to explode. I want to kick a small child over on the pavement.

My car is falling apart. My money is running out. My financial independence is slowly dwindling and i hang on to every ounce of money i have saved by not spending it. When i will be able to work again god knows.

Everything is piling up. I cannot be positive all the time. This isn't the blood-taker lady's fault; i am grieving for myself as i watch my life pass me by and there is not a thing i can do about it.

I don't want ppl to tell me it will be ok. I don't want people to tell me to smarten the fuck up and be happy. Fuck you if that's what you think. I want ppl to get angry, and see the wrongness of it all. It seems like for every shred of anything in my life, i have to work my ass off for it and at some point that goodness gets taken away. I know other ppl work their asses off too, but do you work your ass off to breathe everyday? To shower? To put ur fucking socks on? Is your computer actually good too, and your car and your phone? FUCK IT ALL AND FUCK ALL THE SUPERFICIAL THINGS IN LIFE.

I am mad, I am sad, and i don't fucking care who knows it.


Meghann "Queen of the O2 People" said...

I'm with you girl. It's okay to have an angry day about your situation in life. Our lives suck right now. it's a fact. No matter how much positivity we have for our future, the truth is that right now, our live is shit. Take this day and even more if you need, to be angry about it. It's not fair. And we don't deserve it, so yell it out (or write it out) and just say fuck it all!!!!

Amy said...



Alice said...

*lots of tight hugs that squash your breath out* Praying your call comes NOWWW!!!!!

Waiting For Ling-Ling said...

I'm angry for you too!

Praying that the "breathing" time comes soom...

Megan said...

FUUUUCCCCCCCCK!! *stamps about a lot* You're right, you have been waiting too long. I'm gonna find you lungs my self. Theres some pretty bratty kids in this street where I live, you want theirs? Its certainly do-able.

And I agreed with everything you said about the laptop, as mine does the exact same thing (except its packard bell, urgh) and I just want to smoosh each part into a blender, but then I realise that i'd be even further away from haveing any time of communication in the online world. Xx

Megan said...

Oh and your title, so. bloody. true. It deserves a high five. Catch (throws high five from UK all the way to Canada) Xx