I'M FUCKING FED UP WITH EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I am fed up with waiting. I'm pissed off, i'm angry, and frustrated.
I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. EVERYTHING IS FUCKING RETARDED.
I have reached the point where my brain wants to explode. How long can a person wait? How many sympathy stares from older people can i continue to take? Today when i got blood taken the lady looked sadly at my two bruises from 2 weeks ago. She got sad when i told her what vein to go to. She got sad when she read on my chart that I'm waiting for a double lung transplant. And while she didn't tell me she was sad, i felt that feeling of saddness leak from her body and into my own.
"You're too young for this," she said. "You've been doing this too long."
Usually I don't let this stuff bother me, but today's been a day when it seems like EVERYTHING i attempt to do fails in epic proportions.
Combine that constant failures of the day with the fact that i feel like utter fucking shit and it can pretty well be established that it isn't taking much for my soul to feel like it's falling into a gutter full of shit.
Everyday it seems like I wake up and one more thing is taken away from me. The last couple of days i can barely put socks on without getting horribly out of breath. Walking around even slowing is horrible. It isn't fucking fair. I hate this.
To add to this, this fucking Acer laptop is being a complete and utter dick. I just turned it on and it's being so slow that i just want to beat the utter shit out of it. I want to throw it out the window. I want it to explode. I want to kick a small child over on the pavement.
My car is falling apart. My money is running out. My financial independence is slowly dwindling and i hang on to every ounce of money i have saved by not spending it. When i will be able to work again god knows.
Everything is piling up. I cannot be positive all the time. This isn't the blood-taker lady's fault; i am grieving for myself as i watch my life pass me by and there is not a thing i can do about it.
I don't want ppl to tell me it will be ok. I don't want people to tell me to smarten the fuck up and be happy. Fuck you if that's what you think. I want ppl to get angry, and see the wrongness of it all. It seems like for every shred of anything in my life, i have to work my ass off for it and at some point that goodness gets taken away. I know other ppl work their asses off too, but do you work your ass off to breathe everyday? To shower? To put ur fucking socks on? Is your computer actually good too, and your car and your phone? FUCK IT ALL AND FUCK ALL THE SUPERFICIAL THINGS IN LIFE.
I am mad, I am sad, and i don't fucking care who knows it.