I'm so bored.
I'm so fucking sick of this lifestyle, of the constant repetetivness of my weekends...the sitting around, the reading, the boringness that encompasses it all. I am ready for a change. I just want my damn transplant already so i can feel better and get on with my life.
...But i'm so afraid.
I want this so bad, but i'm so acustomed to a life of nothing that i'm afraid of when i'll have a life of something. I'm so used to being the girl in the background, yearning to be the girl in the foreground, that when it comes to actions, I don't think i'd have the guts to do that. It's easy for me to remain in the shadows and watch everyone's lives goes on while mine is in slow mo. It sucks and i'm not ok with it, but there is nothing anyone can do to help me get out of this rut.
Unless they die - and that's not something anyone should ever wish.
Blah. I want to be better and feel better and live so bad, but am i ready for all the commitment that comes after? The testing, the potential but thankfully temporary move to TO....can i do that? I probably can, but god knows i hate Toronto. I do not, and am determined to not, have another summer where i loaf around and waste my time. I have spent 3 years like that b/c my lungs are slowly on their way to hell. Not again. Not this time. This summer i want to be a wild child and live my life....but then i come back to that same old tune that sings in my conscious: I am afraid.
I have to stop being afraid.
Boo fear. Boo lung disease and boo to uncertainty.
Transplant: hurry the hell up!