..a lot like a storm warning: it's either imminent or occuring. Which is why i get pissed off when ppl hear i'm waiting for a transplant, and they ask me time and time again if i know when it will be, if i've heard word of when it will be, or if i have any general inclination as to when the deed will get done. Well i don't; i have no notions, no nothing, so shut the fuck up. I don't get too agitated when random people ask, or ppl who have just found out that i need one ask. It's the people who know me well enough - know the details - who ask....it gives me the impression that they think the knowlege of transplant is like some magical little box. I dunno. Oh well.
The last 2 days i've felt iffy. Emotionally like a bush woman, impatient and not wanting to be bothered by anyone or anything. I dunno...I just want things to progress but i have no control over that as i've said. Oh well. Today i felt terrible, and it was Jess's bridal shower and i helped with it, and it was great but holy crap am i tired and exhausted. My back ached something awful all day, my chest was heavy with crap and i couldn't breathe worth crap. I was so full of stuff that when i was driving home i coughed, and phelgm just came out all over me. I had to be careful all day b/c if i bent over too much the urge to cough would consume me, and phlegm would just pour out of me. No lie. I was so fed up by coughing and spatting little phlegmlettes over myself that by the time i got home, i sat in my car in the driveway and swore that i was fed up with this fucking humiliating disease.
Now that i'm back to taking the bus to TO my embarassment regarding public use of o2 has crawled back into my system. I don't bring my cart but rather stow my tank in a backpack. On Weds on my way to the bus stop, my backpack was knocked over in the car and the tank began to scream. Anyone who uses liquid O2 knows that if it tips it screams and then it smokes. Well...as i waited for the bus outside, I stood beside 2 people my age, and i saw them casting funny looks at my bag as it rested on the sidewalk. Sure enough, it began to smoke from it's little tumble from it's car seat, and i'm sure the people were wondering what in fuck's name i had in my bag. So i decided just not to look at them.
My dad and mum don't understand what i'm so embarassed about. After all, it's a 'medical' reason for why i need oxygen, and it's nothing that i can help, and i told them that they seem to forget that i'm 22 and not 80 and therefore wearing and needing oxygen at this stage in life isn't a fashion statement i want to be quick to make. I'd honestly rather suffer and pass out from o2 deprevation than be seen by some random person puffing on tank. Honest to God. I am a horrible person.
Either way, i'm a little better now. I almost had a melt down as all of my medical issues came to the surface of my brain lastnight and i realized all that is 'wrong' with me; all that sets me aside and brands me as a 'freak'. I don't usually entertain this mentality, trust me, but when u sit down and actually think about all that's 'wrong' with you healthwise, it's daunting and frightening and damn-well angering. Makes me wonder if i committed murder in my last life or something. Something terrible must have been done in order to have this feat bestowed on me, b/c god knows it wasn't on my list- of -things -to -have- in -my -next- life, Please and Thank-You. I'm pretty sure when i reached the check-out that i was given the wrong charge. Or maybe i picked up the wrong reciept?
Either way, it's not something i'd wish on anyone...regardless of how much i hated them.
And either way, this isn't anything i try to spend too much time thinking about. I better stow it away in the secret box that lays within my brain and lock it up.
Anywho, tonight was fine. I lazed around like a cow and read. I just cuddled with the Heidi Speidi b/c she was annoying me. I think it worked. The cuddling stops when she starts to drool, and she gets so happy that she looks like an aged Gremlin.
And that's all for now.