My Double Lung Transplant

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Statements...

I know i've already posted today, but this is all too sad not to mention.

I was outside with my mum and dad 5 minutes ago, watching the fish in the pond and the like. Upon coming onto the deck i noted the citrenella candle that i had lit was still burning. I tried blowing it out to no avail.

I turned to my dad and said, "You'll have to blow the candle out...; I can't do it."

It was quick and said without thought, as if saying something as common as 'It's hot out today.' And while it's true that I can't blow candles out, it makes me sad to think that as of now, in this very moment, my inability to blow out something as fragile as a candle is not some huge secret - everybody knows, and it's a part of who I am. It's sad and it shouldn't be this way...but for now, it is.

Earlier a friend said something about laughter. I told him that I don't laugh anymore - havent in years, at least not out loud, b/c laughing out loud sends me into coughing fits and i'd rather avoid them and the only way to avoid a coughing fit is to just not laugh at things. Instead, smile and wish you were somewhere else.

Little things like laughter and blowing out candles are things I'm looking forward to.

Hopefully soon, my friends. Hopefully soon.

3 comments:

BreathinSteven said...

Hey Bree!!!

I'm looking forward to hearing about you enjoying blowing out candles -- and especially enjoying laughter...

I remember what you're talking about -- I had the same issue with my cystic fibrosis... I loved life, and I loved humor and funny things -- From some of your postings, I know you do too... You've had me rolling on the floor more than once -- now that I can...

When I read the second sentence in your paragraph, "I told him that I don't laugh anymore..." That brought back a time that hurt -- not being able to show joy in someone else' actions -- not being able to rip out an incredible laugh when you find something hilarious -- unless you're in your shoes, people will never understand the depth of what you're talking about...

You'll blow out candles -- at your next birthday, you'll blow out 20-some... You'll laugh again -- I can just feel it...

And I can't wait to hear when you do...

I'm thinking about you, buckeroo...

Love,

Steve

Alice said...

soon my friend, soon... I also remember the feeling all too well, although it feels like I'm forgetting.

Gizela said...

Dear Bree,
I pray for you every day when I read your blog!
Regards from SA!