**Note I am not writing this entry for sympathy or pity. I am writing it out of shear honesty about the things I am going through pre-tx, and sometimes that entails crummy trips to the grocery store*
As noted in my previous post, I planned on making homemade potato soup - and i did! I drove after work to Sobey's and had my recipe in hand. It called for 9 items and I needed to pick up 6. I needed potatoes, an onion, 3 cans of soup, and Keilbasa or h/e the hell you spell it.
So there i walked into the grocery store at my snails pace. I picked up a black basket with "Sobey's" scrawled in green across the little handle. I went and got my potatos, and then my onion, sausage, and then cans of soup. I took my time b/c I was tired. About 20 minutes later it was time to cash out. It wasn't until then that i realized how out of breath I was....how carrying around a basket with 6 items in it, and a purse, had utterly exhausted me to the point that I was breathing as hard as someone who had just gone for a run. I began to get that familiar almost-dizzy feeling...light headed.
The cashier was super sweet. I don't know if they noticed, b/c as much as i beleive that i can disguise my SOBness (see sidebard for abbreviations) very well, I know for a fact that people notice it, and are too kind to say anything. My dad always says, "Are you alright?" and i say, "Yea, why?" when i'm clearly not, and he answers, "B/c you're puffing..."
So there I was...standing alone at the cash out, with an old couple behind me....breathing hard and wanting nothing more than to be sitting down in my car out of view. I just wanted to huff and puff on my own. When i finally got there it hit me at just how shitty of a condition I am in. I can no longer keep up. Fuck me if I can make it out to the bar Saturday....I know I can't. I drove to the mail box down the street tonight for god's sake. It's very surreal to say the least.
I don't cry about this anymore. There's no point. I'm not dying or anything. I just remind myself that this is a temporary situation, and as shitty as it is, I have to make the most of it b/c soon it will be gone and I'll only have lessons of it to carry with me. That is also why I began this blog, to chronicle everything I am going through, and going to go through. There's so much out there about post-tx life, and i love reading it b/c that is my future. But for now, this is my present and I want to read about similar things...I want something to relate to for once. I know that I am not alone, as lonely as it may feel sometimes.
As much as it sucks and blah blah, there is someone else who has it worse. I am going through this for a reason and I will come out with a greater appreciation for things than I've got right now. If this blog helps just one person, or raises awarness for just one cause, or what have you, then I'm doing something right, then that is all I can ask for.
That's all for now. I need my sleep. I hope you all have a good night.