I'm a little irked today...all b/c i got some fucking phone call from the hosp while I was making banana chocolate chip cookies today informing me of not only 1 new appt, but 3! For starters, lets recount any present appts (like tomorrow) and I'll fill in the blanks with the new ones, shall I?
Tomorrow: CT Scan. Boo.
Aug 29th: Gastric Emtpying test AGAIN. BOOOOOOOOOO.
Oct. 1st: meet with GI specialist who will help me conquer my inability to swallow. BOOOOOOOO CRAP BOOOOOOOOO. DO NOT LIKE. DO NOT WANT
Sometime in the future: Meet with tx doc after meeting with GI specialist who will cure me of my swallowing ailments.
Great fucking great.
So do you know what this means? As it stands, tx will not likely happen for me (at the earliest) until October(when the sort out how to fix my new problem)...which means 2 more months of waiting. Initially, this entry was going to be full of "i'm- so -angry -I -can't- beleive- it- i -want- to -disembody -something/someone" and I was wondering, honestly to god, if i must have been Hitler in some past life or something, in order to deserve having such shitty health things bestowed upon me. Did i comitt mass murder or something? I've been avoiding adding 'not being able to swallow' to my list of health problems, for obvious reasons. My resume is already full of odd ailments, such as SCID, Bronchiectasis, and now "Can't Swallow". This then lead to thoughts about how I would introduce myself to any future husband, what with my probs, and it was like this: "Hi my name is Bree and I have this this this and this, and I cannot swallow when i eat". Even tho I feel alone -and sometimes very much am - I know other people who have far more bizarre things than I have, and for more ailments than I have to boot...But still...it only adds to the list of things that send me further and further into the sea of abnormality..while all the normal people watch from the shoreline...
But then I thought, "Fuck off, self. You're being selfish. Shut the fuck up." and I did, and I realized that complaining about waiting another 2 months is rediculous. Even if I wait 2 more months (when they can determine how to go about this supposed swallowing problem), tx can happen at any time (they are worried that post tx i could asperate food into the new lungs. Understandable, but still angering from my perspective).
So yes, instead of bitching and moaning like I had intended, I decided to rationalize with myself and realize that waiting 2 more months isn't completely horrible. It will total my waiting time to 5 months (since I got listed Apr 29 and my GI consult is Oct.1) and even then...IT'S NOT A LONG TIME. Christ, I have friends who waited 2 years. I'm being a baby about it. I have too many expectations me thinks. They need to stop. I never have expectations for myself personally, b/c when you don't you can't be let down. Many people will see that as having a lack of faith in oneself which isn't true. I have faith in me; i just don't always expect much. Especially when you can't breathe.
So, instead of being angry, I'm thinking of all the possibilities that could happen in Oct after my consult with the GI specialist and hopefully soon after a meeting with the tx doc to see how this will work out. Tx could happen in Oct. That would be wicked. I began to think of all the amazing things that tx could potentially crash.
Again, I present a list:
- My nana and papa's 60th wedding anniversary (Oct 19th). What better way to congratulate people on 60 years of marriage than by getting a call informing them that their granddaughter is gonna get a tx. Slightly morbid, but extremely exciting.
- My mum and dad's 27th wedding anniversary (Oct. 10th). Happy anniversary mum and dad...I'm saved.
- Thanksgiving. Ooh....ahhh...
- Midterms at university are around this time. What better way to distract my friends in their final year then by sending them a text informing them that my life could potentially be back on track in no time. What better way to ensure someone will fuck up than giving them this enjoyable scrap of info than before going in to write a midterm worth 40% of your final grade. Thoughtful, on my behalf.
Devils Night: Creepy....but cool.
Halloween: Incredibly cool.
So see, all is not lost. Hopefully tx will come soon! i can't keep wondering when it will be...I have to stop but that's almost impossible sometimes. Surely, I'm not the only one who wonders these things for themselves. I find i set little dates when I think it will happen. Obviously it hasn't happened yet. I was certain that by this time last year, I'd have it, and looky looky, here I am.
Hopefully this time next year? Is that safe to question?
I think so.