A-fucking-gain!?!

Today saw my 6 months bronchoscopy which went off without a hitch! No real bleeding afterwards or anything, just lots of tiredness and my stomach feels like utter shart. Which is unfortunate, because it's Pancake Tuesday and I really was looking forward to consuming a boat load of pancakes in celebration. But alas, I'm settling for a cuppa and some Liptons soup, as I do not want to vomit Fentynil and pancakes all over the house.

Today I had a douchebag for a nurse whilst in recovery. And I do beleive that when I looked at her nurses tag she didn't have an actual name but that rather her name read "Douche Bag". I was in and out of it, got scolded for drifting 'too much' to sleep and letting my sats slip to 89% because my nose was stuffed and my face was partially smooshed into the hosptial pillow, but i didn't give a shit either way.

Then. THEN! The best part! Nurse Douche Bag straggles along after i get the all-clear to fuck off, and she de-accesses my port without flushing or heparin locking it!!!!!!!!!!! And this was after i reminded her to flush and hep. lock it!

FOR FUCKS SAKE!

So then she had to go and find an older, more competent nurse who knew what to do, who promptly had to reaccess it, flush it, hep. lock it, de-access it, and set me free into the world. Me, i stumbled down the recovery hall like a drunk, angry and pissed off and feeling like I would imminently puke all over the walls. Grumpily, i got dressed in the change room and didn't even both to close the door because i was just so mad that I didn't care.

So yea...day went off without a hitch 'cept for this douchebag.

This is not the end for you

it can't be.

I've spent hours pouring over Eva's blog, and I refuse to beleive that this is the end for her.

It can't be.

She's too colourful. Too vibrant. Too beautiful to leave this world.

It simply can't be true.

It breaks my heart more than you could know, and I don't even know Eva - just 'know' her through her LJ and from what I've seen on Facebook.

Can your heart be broken by someone you don't even know? Yes. I beleive you can be touched by people at large, from far and wide, by their situation alone. And my brain just can't wrap itself around the notion that she could leave this planet at any moment. I pray and wish for a miracle to come her way, to sweep her up and and encompass her, and to restore her life to what it was and all the potentials that it has to be.

This can't be true.

Can one accept this fate for themselves? I guess so...because in August, the week I got my call/transplant, I knew full-well that I was dying and I finalized a lot of stuff. The week of August 7th I caught up on emails, phone calls, texts, blogs, baking, let everyone know how much I loved them, and poof, the call came.

Will the same happen for Eva? I hope and pray it does. She cannot leave - she has impacted too many people. She is too special, I feel. Too many people love her, and hopefully that love is enough to tether her to the planet until another pair of lungs come along. But at the same time, maybe that is entirely selfish of me...from someone who has never met her because she is on the other side of the country from me.

Hmm..

So to Eva, from someone who has never met you, but from someone who has been deeply impacted by your story, by your fight, by your joy and zest for life, please don't go. You're a wonderful, beautiful, exceptional creature and there is much more for you to acheive and accomplish and to live for. That is my prayer and wish for you. Many people love you - whether they know you personally or not - you have managed to touch the world at large through your words and your story spoken through your fingertips on your LJ.

Please don't go.

This is not the end for you.

Love love love.

Tra-la-la-la-la-la-laaaaaaaa

LoveLoveLove

The Pig and I

The Heidi Speidi and I

New port being accessed!

Pancakes in the shape of lungs!

Moi - au jourdoi

Confessions: To Live to Die

Do we live to die?

In short, yes. Which is why i'm finding this whole, "i'm-completely-healthy-for-once-in-my-life" dealio extremely daunting and scary, because to be honest, I don't know how to live without the fact that i am/was dying behind me.

Is that insane?

Am I insane?

It's a weird balance....and I had an epiphany today and i abolished this scary thought and made it scramble all away so i could reach a place of happiness within my brain.

Of course, this happened in the shower.

All good thoughts occur in the shower.

So there I was, freaking out over the appt I had with a career councellor at the uni, over the thought of more schooling, and more this, and more that, and it was all daunting and not something that I am ready to do no do i have the energy...and I thought, with my health, I have enough stress in my life, but it's the kind of stress I am used to and that I know how to deal with. But schooling and a high powered career is not something that I think i have the mental energy to put forth...so it was then, as i stood in the shower, that my epiphany came to me, and i came to the realization that things will be so much easier if i opened my own tea shop.

So that's what i'm gonna do. I don't really care about making lots of money (obviously I want money), but it's not the be-all and end-all to my happiness. I want a relatively stress-free job, that allows me to balanace both my health and my career, and working as a youth councellor - while i would love to do that - seems like it would be a lot of work and at the moment, I am not prepared to take that on.

Which raises the question: why the eff am i putting so much pressure on myself? I don't really know...I really really don't. It's when my brain reaches this kind scariness that i think dying would've been easier in a way...because life is scary, but dying is such a cop-out in a way....but at the same time, it's all I know how to do.....live to die, right? I guess it takes time...there is no rush...I am young and have all the time in the world, and I need to chill out and just take things one day at a time.

Blah.

Um...

I have my 6 months bronch on Tuesday...that will go well and things will go fine....My blood work from Monday came back completely normal which is good...weight is still the same. Amy is recovering well...she's still in ICU but she spent 3 hours in a chair, had the majority of her chest tubes removed, and will look into beginning to walk soon! So that's fab!

Basically, in all of this, I need a hobby, yes?

Yes.

Before i end this bizarre and random blog, please go to the side bar and go to Eva's blog. Send your prayers and love. Thatt's all I will say. She needs them.

Peacing out for now. Chilling out for later!

And yes, I am wearing my CANADA Olympic sweater and will watch the opening ceremonies with the bf tonight.

6 months, 2 days, 1 assessment later!

Welp, 2 days ago i reached the 6 months mark!!!!!! I didn't really celebrate in any way, shape or form, but just the simple fact that i can move w/o having the breath sucked out of me was kind of enough!

Yesterday was my 6 months assessment, which had me getting bloods done, xrays, ct scan, pfts with blood gas (which failed when my artery decided to have a spaz when the big huge needle was in it), and finally clinic. Clinic was fab! PFTs are steady at 72%, all my blood work is completely normal, and best of all: I DON'T NEED TO GO BACK UNTIL MY 9 MONTHS ASSESSMENT AND CAN NOW GET MY PFTS AND BLOOD DONE LOCALLY ONCE A MONTH INSTEAD OF EVERY TWO WEEKS!

HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*throws confetti*

I also met with some very fabulous people, Thara and Jason! We were gonna go visit Amy but she is still in ICU (steady and recovering, although a little slow but that's ok!) so we couldn't. However, I'm thinking of visiting her next week after my bronch so i hope it works out! i have lots of bring her! :) Meeting with Thara and Jason was great, it was nice to finally talk to them in person as opposed to always on Facebook and whatnot.

Mentally, I have been feeling better. I was worried I was depressed but realized that these feelings only come when i choose to isolate myself and not get up and actively do things, b/c when i'm occupied, I am totally fine. It's when i sit on my ass and have nothing to do but think that my mind starts to get to me, because you tend to over think. I used to think that I would always hate being busy (hate being busy pre-tx because it took all my energy), but after yetserdays long (though exhausting - the good kind of exhausting) day, i felt WONDERFUL! So i'm realizing, i HAVE to keep myself occupied like a normal person instead of sitting and dwelling. Sure, we all have those days, but in order for myself to be happier, i need to keep busy and that's ok...there will always be 'me time'.

So this is what i've done today:
- 2 loads of laundry
- took in prescriptions
- picked up prescriptions
- paid a parking ticket (don't tell my dad)
- got the mail (no mail-ables from Alex yet, boo, quel dommage)
- posted an online discussion for school
- looked at school shit
- garbage b/c it's garbage night
- will look into making supper
- got tea
- blogged
- will make another tea to keep me functioning
- will see the boyfriend tonight
- applied for jobs

So, i've managed to keep myself busy. I am happier when I am out doing stuff, and seeing as today was relatively warm for a February's day, it was good! I hauled ass, walked dowtown to pay the unmentionable parking ticket, walked to get the mail ... so all is good!! And now it is almost 4pm and the day is coming to a close! HURRAY!

I'm pretty sure i had other shit to write about but i can't quite remember. But that's ok.

So yes, sometimes you have to force yourself to do things but you always end up feeling better afterwards! YAY!:)

HAPPY 6 MONTHS TO ME!

And to keep my going i remind myself that in one month it will be SPRING TIME and the next time I'm at TGH (which i miss, sadly), it will be MAY! YAY!!!!!

Post-tx life is like...

a breakup.

They say that when it comes to a break up, that it takes roughly half the length of time that you dated the person to fully get over them. So if you dated for 4 years, it would take about 2 years to get over them.

Compredre? Good.

I'm choosing to view post-tx life in the same way, b/c to be honest, I'm having trouble coming to terms with being 'normal'. I spent so much time being busy dying, that I failed to ever register what it truely means to be normal. So the way i see it, I spent 2 years dying, maybe it will take me a full year to be normal. Initially, I was going to say that since I was on the list for 15 months, it would take me about 7.5 months to feel normal, but to be honest, that's coming up and i'm probably feeling the least normal that one could possibly feel. So i'm gonna go with, "well, I was busy dying for 2 years, so it's going to take an additional year for me to come to terms with being normal and not dying. So yeah....fuck you" kinda sentiment.

I think that's very good.

I always knew that post-tx i would struggle mentally, just coming to terms with a new way of life. If you've never spent a significant portion of your life dying, then you won't understand that it really does consume you heart and soul. You spend all your time preserving energy, and not doing anything, and becoming accustomed to not doing anything, that once you're able to, you don't really know how to function and go about doing normal things. So you sit, and you get bored, and you think about the fact that you're a total loser b/c you can't come to terms with yor new life, and you see everyone around you doing normal people things, like working (good jobs too) and going to school, and balancing it all, that you sit and wonder, 'how the fuck do i do that? how can i do what they do?' and then i realized, 'idiot, you just had an effing transplant 5-6 months ago: IT TAKES TIME!'

I constantly need to remind myself of this fact. I seem to think that I need to be moving at lightning speed and be up to par with everyone, and to be honest, half the time, I don't have the energy to. I know a huge portion is the medication, another portion is the weather (winter sucks and needs to die), and all that. My issue is getting motivated to do stuff...b/c once i do stuff i feel fine...it's just getting started. I'm enjoying school a bit more so that's good. This week was horrible: had no motivation, wanted to be eaten and lost in the couch or my bed and not move...i felt like a sloth embedded and encrusted in mud. I beleive i even resorted to sitting on the floor in the shower one day b/c I just couldn't bring myself to stand any longer.

I got my monthly IV today and i feel tons better, and I know that's another reason for feeling sloth-like. Used my port and it worked fab! Got a pic of it accessed and will post it, as well I will get another pic of my fingers to showcase how they are healing. It looks like soft, incredibly vulnerable baby skin. And it's wrinkly. But back to my IV, i'm gonna ask at my assessment on Monday if it would be ok for me to get my IV every 3 weeks instead of 4 to see if that helps? The week that i go for my IV i just feel like a total zombie and it sucks. I hate feeling like this, so I will ask!

Um what else? Also responsible for restoring me from being a zombie to being a human again, as always, is tea. Tho, i've had 3 teas from Tims today (from the hosp) and they all tasted like utter crap which is extremely upsetting to me. I like English breakfast and quite frankly, either the chick at Tims has something against me, or someone snuck in some cinnemon-like product into my tea and blatently ruined it. I dunno who or what it is, but it just tastes awful and I do not like them. I came home and made a tea and it's a little bit meh-ish, so i'll have to brew a 5th and see how it is. Megs mentioned in her blog (giving me an honourable mention, thanks darling) that she herself is addited to tea, and finds that she can fully function with about 6 teas in her system. Full credit goes to me of course. I'm somewhat responsible for this addiction. I said 6 teas a day is understandable, as it restores vitality, sanity, and is potentially life-saving. My friend Robert says that society should be thankful that he consumes 6 teas a day as it makes him approachable and is more or less an act of public service.

Either that or have a Scottish Breakfast or Irish breakfast.

I think that's it for today my children. I had a dream about Karyn the other night. It's been a long time since i've had a visit from her and it was nice. She was in the hospital (her hair had grown back too, really long), and she was in a wheelchair/gurney. She was going in for brain surgery but she knew she was dying/going to die. Either way, she was sooooooooo happy (it stood out so clearly). She was telling me stuff about being in the hospital but i don't remember it now. I leaned down and hugged her and she hugged me back and smiled, and as we hugged she said 'I love you' and i said it back, and then I woke up.

It was nice. Thanks K, it's been a while.

So that concludes today's lesson. TGIF!

Happy

I've decided its time for a happy background to brighten things up so here it is!!!

Went to the docs today to get the fingers looked at and they're fine, although they look grotesque. They've peeled and exposed the under layer or burnt skin. Maybe - if you're lucky - i'll get a pic and post it but you'll need a strong stomach.

Is this better?