WOW! Lots to write about!
Where to start? *scratches chin philosophically*
I'll start with the good/weird.
I had a dream this morning that I got a second lung transplant. I went in for a regular appointment and the next thing I know they tell me that I need another pair of lungs, so i'm immediately re-listed and the next thing i know is they tell me, "we have a pair of lungs for you". A pair that is apparently better than the ones i already have? So i'm wheeled in, get the surgery, recover uber fast and have no pain or anything. I was only out of surgery for like, an hour and I was completely lucid and had no pain and was walking and everything. The next week after surgery i'm at a baseball game pitching windmill and told myself i probably shouldn't be using my arms so violently b/c of my incision/sternum (i used to pitch). THEN me and the fam jam end up in New York at the top of the Empire State Building and we're doing the stairs and it's effortless, but it was in the middle of a terrorist attack or something?
Anyways, point is: i got another lung tx. How weird.
But even weirder is this: i got a text from Alex this morning telling me that our friend Hattie got the call for lungs! She was wheeled into surgery about 15 minutes ago! How crazy? Did i intuitively know? Mayhaps!
But I also beleive that this dream interplays with a fear of mine: a fear that I could get sick again at any point and not realize that i'm sick. Does that make sense? That i'll get sick and not recognize it? And be caught off guard? I hope not. Blah.
Either way: woooooooooooo spidey senses!
And speaking of spidey...I had to take the Heidi-Speidi to the vet today. Heidi has been assigned the new name of Pee-pee cat, since lately she's taken to randomly peeing everywhere.
Here are some examples: the hall mat, the kitchen mat, the laundry room mat, the bathroom mat, the family room carpet, the living room mat, my mum's fur coat, and inside my favourite ever purse. To name a few.
So off to the vet the Pee-pee cat and i went at 8:45 this morning. I always feel a little embarassed when i take her to the vet b/c she's so scraggly/homeless looking. I can brush her all i want but she still looks that way. She's always looked like this, no matter how much i brush her. And she's got bare pink patches above her eye that have always been there. And she has random scratches on her face from her nails and Zoey being mean to her. Oh, and she gets sleepers in her eyes too and they tend to run down her face, but i had the forethought to clean her face up before presenting her to the veterinary world lest i be seen as a horrible pet owner who doesn't give a shit about their precious cat.
Anywho. The bill came to $326. Thanks stupid HST! $326 and all they did was blood work (gereatric screening), an overall exam, and urine sample.
So far, here is the verdict:
She has really bad teeth.
She is 2lbs underweight.
She has a heart murmur.
And a mishapen iris.
:(
My poor Heidi-Speidi. My poor, old, decrepit Heidi-Speidi.
So now we sit and wait until the blood results come back. I looked on the age chart in the examination room and saw that a feline of 16 years is 80 human year. Which is a funny thing because i love my cat to peices, but i'm not overly fond of old humans.
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dreams. Show all posts
Monday, July 5, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Post-tx life is like...
a breakup.
They say that when it comes to a break up, that it takes roughly half the length of time that you dated the person to fully get over them. So if you dated for 4 years, it would take about 2 years to get over them.
Compredre? Good.
I'm choosing to view post-tx life in the same way, b/c to be honest, I'm having trouble coming to terms with being 'normal'. I spent so much time being busy dying, that I failed to ever register what it truely means to be normal. So the way i see it, I spent 2 years dying, maybe it will take me a full year to be normal. Initially, I was going to say that since I was on the list for 15 months, it would take me about 7.5 months to feel normal, but to be honest, that's coming up and i'm probably feeling the least normal that one could possibly feel. So i'm gonna go with, "well, I was busy dying for 2 years, so it's going to take an additional year for me to come to terms with being normal and not dying. So yeah....fuck you" kinda sentiment.
I think that's very good.
I always knew that post-tx i would struggle mentally, just coming to terms with a new way of life. If you've never spent a significant portion of your life dying, then you won't understand that it really does consume you heart and soul. You spend all your time preserving energy, and not doing anything, and becoming accustomed to not doing anything, that once you're able to, you don't really know how to function and go about doing normal things. So you sit, and you get bored, and you think about the fact that you're a total loser b/c you can't come to terms with yor new life, and you see everyone around you doing normal people things, like working (good jobs too) and going to school, and balancing it all, that you sit and wonder, 'how the fuck do i do that? how can i do what they do?' and then i realized, 'idiot, you just had an effing transplant 5-6 months ago: IT TAKES TIME!'
I constantly need to remind myself of this fact. I seem to think that I need to be moving at lightning speed and be up to par with everyone, and to be honest, half the time, I don't have the energy to. I know a huge portion is the medication, another portion is the weather (winter sucks and needs to die), and all that. My issue is getting motivated to do stuff...b/c once i do stuff i feel fine...it's just getting started. I'm enjoying school a bit more so that's good. This week was horrible: had no motivation, wanted to be eaten and lost in the couch or my bed and not move...i felt like a sloth embedded and encrusted in mud. I beleive i even resorted to sitting on the floor in the shower one day b/c I just couldn't bring myself to stand any longer.
I got my monthly IV today and i feel tons better, and I know that's another reason for feeling sloth-like. Used my port and it worked fab! Got a pic of it accessed and will post it, as well I will get another pic of my fingers to showcase how they are healing. It looks like soft, incredibly vulnerable baby skin. And it's wrinkly. But back to my IV, i'm gonna ask at my assessment on Monday if it would be ok for me to get my IV every 3 weeks instead of 4 to see if that helps? The week that i go for my IV i just feel like a total zombie and it sucks. I hate feeling like this, so I will ask!
Um what else? Also responsible for restoring me from being a zombie to being a human again, as always, is tea. Tho, i've had 3 teas from Tims today (from the hosp) and they all tasted like utter crap which is extremely upsetting to me. I like English breakfast and quite frankly, either the chick at Tims has something against me, or someone snuck in some cinnemon-like product into my tea and blatently ruined it. I dunno who or what it is, but it just tastes awful and I do not like them. I came home and made a tea and it's a little bit meh-ish, so i'll have to brew a 5th and see how it is. Megs mentioned in her blog (giving me an honourable mention, thanks darling) that she herself is addited to tea, and finds that she can fully function with about 6 teas in her system. Full credit goes to me of course. I'm somewhat responsible for this addiction. I said 6 teas a day is understandable, as it restores vitality, sanity, and is potentially life-saving. My friend Robert says that society should be thankful that he consumes 6 teas a day as it makes him approachable and is more or less an act of public service.
Either that or have a Scottish Breakfast or Irish breakfast.
I think that's it for today my children. I had a dream about Karyn the other night. It's been a long time since i've had a visit from her and it was nice. She was in the hospital (her hair had grown back too, really long), and she was in a wheelchair/gurney. She was going in for brain surgery but she knew she was dying/going to die. Either way, she was sooooooooo happy (it stood out so clearly). She was telling me stuff about being in the hospital but i don't remember it now. I leaned down and hugged her and she hugged me back and smiled, and as we hugged she said 'I love you' and i said it back, and then I woke up.
It was nice. Thanks K, it's been a while.
So that concludes today's lesson. TGIF!
They say that when it comes to a break up, that it takes roughly half the length of time that you dated the person to fully get over them. So if you dated for 4 years, it would take about 2 years to get over them.
Compredre? Good.
I'm choosing to view post-tx life in the same way, b/c to be honest, I'm having trouble coming to terms with being 'normal'. I spent so much time being busy dying, that I failed to ever register what it truely means to be normal. So the way i see it, I spent 2 years dying, maybe it will take me a full year to be normal. Initially, I was going to say that since I was on the list for 15 months, it would take me about 7.5 months to feel normal, but to be honest, that's coming up and i'm probably feeling the least normal that one could possibly feel. So i'm gonna go with, "well, I was busy dying for 2 years, so it's going to take an additional year for me to come to terms with being normal and not dying. So yeah....fuck you" kinda sentiment.
I think that's very good.
I always knew that post-tx i would struggle mentally, just coming to terms with a new way of life. If you've never spent a significant portion of your life dying, then you won't understand that it really does consume you heart and soul. You spend all your time preserving energy, and not doing anything, and becoming accustomed to not doing anything, that once you're able to, you don't really know how to function and go about doing normal things. So you sit, and you get bored, and you think about the fact that you're a total loser b/c you can't come to terms with yor new life, and you see everyone around you doing normal people things, like working (good jobs too) and going to school, and balancing it all, that you sit and wonder, 'how the fuck do i do that? how can i do what they do?' and then i realized, 'idiot, you just had an effing transplant 5-6 months ago: IT TAKES TIME!'
I constantly need to remind myself of this fact. I seem to think that I need to be moving at lightning speed and be up to par with everyone, and to be honest, half the time, I don't have the energy to. I know a huge portion is the medication, another portion is the weather (winter sucks and needs to die), and all that. My issue is getting motivated to do stuff...b/c once i do stuff i feel fine...it's just getting started. I'm enjoying school a bit more so that's good. This week was horrible: had no motivation, wanted to be eaten and lost in the couch or my bed and not move...i felt like a sloth embedded and encrusted in mud. I beleive i even resorted to sitting on the floor in the shower one day b/c I just couldn't bring myself to stand any longer.
I got my monthly IV today and i feel tons better, and I know that's another reason for feeling sloth-like. Used my port and it worked fab! Got a pic of it accessed and will post it, as well I will get another pic of my fingers to showcase how they are healing. It looks like soft, incredibly vulnerable baby skin. And it's wrinkly. But back to my IV, i'm gonna ask at my assessment on Monday if it would be ok for me to get my IV every 3 weeks instead of 4 to see if that helps? The week that i go for my IV i just feel like a total zombie and it sucks. I hate feeling like this, so I will ask!
Um what else? Also responsible for restoring me from being a zombie to being a human again, as always, is tea. Tho, i've had 3 teas from Tims today (from the hosp) and they all tasted like utter crap which is extremely upsetting to me. I like English breakfast and quite frankly, either the chick at Tims has something against me, or someone snuck in some cinnemon-like product into my tea and blatently ruined it. I dunno who or what it is, but it just tastes awful and I do not like them. I came home and made a tea and it's a little bit meh-ish, so i'll have to brew a 5th and see how it is. Megs mentioned in her blog (giving me an honourable mention, thanks darling) that she herself is addited to tea, and finds that she can fully function with about 6 teas in her system. Full credit goes to me of course. I'm somewhat responsible for this addiction. I said 6 teas a day is understandable, as it restores vitality, sanity, and is potentially life-saving. My friend Robert says that society should be thankful that he consumes 6 teas a day as it makes him approachable and is more or less an act of public service.
Either that or have a Scottish Breakfast or Irish breakfast.
I think that's it for today my children. I had a dream about Karyn the other night. It's been a long time since i've had a visit from her and it was nice. She was in the hospital (her hair had grown back too, really long), and she was in a wheelchair/gurney. She was going in for brain surgery but she knew she was dying/going to die. Either way, she was sooooooooo happy (it stood out so clearly). She was telling me stuff about being in the hospital but i don't remember it now. I leaned down and hugged her and she hugged me back and smiled, and as we hugged she said 'I love you' and i said it back, and then I woke up.
It was nice. Thanks K, it's been a while.
So that concludes today's lesson. TGIF!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
And dream I do....
This is the dream I had this morning:
In the midst of a zombie attack, my dad and I went to the Science Centre. We could only go for a while b/c I had a clinic appt at 2 that interfered w w/e it was we were seeing. In the parking lot my phone rang. It was my co-ordinator. She was excited. She was calling to tell me that while I would probably be mad, my clinic appointment was cancelled. It was cancelled b/c the results of my last bronch showed no rejection or infection, and that the appt would be a waste of my time and essentially pointless. I was very happy.
Enter real life: I woke up this morning and had my morning routine. Around 10:45 I called asking if the results of last weeks bronch were back. She called back 15 minutes later. She informed me that my results showed no rejection or infection, and no fungal infection. I was so happy that I cried.
So yes. You may laugh at my spidey senses or not beleive them, but they are real nonetheless!!
And here's an excerpt/story or w/e about a real hallucination I had while recovering in the ICU:
The walls were white. They were so white they were silver blue. My room was cold and I lay in bed. I was nothing but a head; I had no body. Everything was a winter wonderland to me even though it was the middle of summer, even though I had no concept of time.
I looked up to the right. The light bulb. It was the brightest light I had ever seen. All around me was awash in white and time seized to exist. A ghost. A ghost in my lightbulb, looking down at me, watching me....protecting me? I knew she was there but I also knew she wasn't real. She was blonde and stared at me in the lightbulb...The brightest lightbulb I had ever seen...
The brightest lightbulb, although it had no bulb, just a ghost.
In the midst of a zombie attack, my dad and I went to the Science Centre. We could only go for a while b/c I had a clinic appt at 2 that interfered w w/e it was we were seeing. In the parking lot my phone rang. It was my co-ordinator. She was excited. She was calling to tell me that while I would probably be mad, my clinic appointment was cancelled. It was cancelled b/c the results of my last bronch showed no rejection or infection, and that the appt would be a waste of my time and essentially pointless. I was very happy.
Enter real life: I woke up this morning and had my morning routine. Around 10:45 I called asking if the results of last weeks bronch were back. She called back 15 minutes later. She informed me that my results showed no rejection or infection, and no fungal infection. I was so happy that I cried.
So yes. You may laugh at my spidey senses or not beleive them, but they are real nonetheless!!
And here's an excerpt/story or w/e about a real hallucination I had while recovering in the ICU:
The walls were white. They were so white they were silver blue. My room was cold and I lay in bed. I was nothing but a head; I had no body. Everything was a winter wonderland to me even though it was the middle of summer, even though I had no concept of time.
I looked up to the right. The light bulb. It was the brightest light I had ever seen. All around me was awash in white and time seized to exist. A ghost. A ghost in my lightbulb, looking down at me, watching me....protecting me? I knew she was there but I also knew she wasn't real. She was blonde and stared at me in the lightbulb...The brightest lightbulb I had ever seen...
The brightest lightbulb, although it had no bulb, just a ghost.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Too much, too soon?
Do you pay attention to your dreams? Do you actually remember what happens, or are you one of the (apparently, ‘normal’) people, who dream but don’t actually remember in specific detail just what goes on?
Almost everyone knows that i’m a huge dreamer – literally and figuratively. But i always remember my dreams in every detail and can 95% of the time recite at least 4 dreams I have each night.
I had 3 last night.
Most of my telling dreams occur between the hours of 3-5am, and although I am actually asleep for them, I know that they occur between these times for some reason. Ironically enough, they say that between the hours of 3-5am is when the gap between the living and the deceased is bridged and communication is a lot easier b/c the lines that keep us separate blur allegedly. That’s what ‘they’ say – who knows who ‘they’ are though. I’m not forcing anyone to read or believe any of this either.
Either way, I’m the sort of person who pays a lot of attention to what I dream, b/c for myself, my dreams help me sort out a lot of what’s going on in my life and helps me figure out shit. I get a lot of answers in my dreams as well. Visits too – which is precisely what happened lastnight.
I had a visit from Karyn. It was her, but at the same time it wasn’t – though i knew it WAS. She didn’t tell me anything important tho...we were just walking and it was more like she was seeing how i was doing and telling me to be careful. But she wasn’t. She was talking to me but I don’t remember sound coming out.
The second visit has kind of made me feel cautious today. Not to go into too many specifics, I had a visit from Jason, my transplant friend who unfortunately passed away in May. I’ve never had a dream about him before, and didn’t think I’d get a visit seeing as we weren’t very close. We were friends, but he had others he was closer to. But for some reason he showed up in my dream last night. We were in a field/park/pasture. It was really green (the colour of life) – vivid shades of greens – and there was an old wooden fence behind us, before a line of trees. The sky was overcast, but the type of overcast that makes the sky shriek with brightness. He had on a greyish blue shirt and a backwards hat. I could see myself at some points but I don’t remember what I looked like. And i can’t remember in detail what he was telling me, but he was also telling me to be careful. I don’t know why, but it’s a theme that has been running through my head for days.
Is it possible for things to be TOO good? I feel like I need to slow down almost. The exact words that flash through my head is to ‘not push my luck’. Should i take better care of myself? I know I am but should I maybe not go out so much? It’s confusing, b/c i want to use my new gift of life to each and every advantage, but at the same time, I need to be careful and take it easy. I drove to my old rehab today and the whole drive over i felt jumpy. I felt like I had to be careful...like I should pull over and go home and get off the road. The longer I drove, the stronger the feeling got.
Regardless, I went, and it was fine, but the feeling is still nagging me. I got home and I plan on staying here. Thank goodness for spidey senses, and friends who look out for you even on the other side. Nothing has happened to me, but i feel like something – somewhere, to someone, not necessarily me – might (God forbid, and i hope i’m wrong). Maybe I’m wrong; maybe I’m thinking too much. Maybe my mind is being overly reflexive and is mirroring the weather today (rainy, dark, cold – kind of perfect!).
Is it sad that what actually brought a giant smile to my face was the fact that I realized i could read all day undisturbed?? LOL. No, I am actually in a happy mood today, like always, but there’s just this intuitive vibe running through my head. I feel very....in tune today. It doesn’t really bother me, i’ve always been like this and can’t imagine knowing anything different...but i don’t know why i feel compelled to stay safe inside the nest today.
Thoughts?
And yes, I re-did the blog again. Thoughts again? Lke? Dislike? I like, though I need to get used to the fairy people on the side.
Hmm...well, upon talking to Megan i think i may be closer to figuring out why i feel like this today. Maybe nothing is going to happen, but rather, maybe someone is with me. My donor? I said. Maybe it’s their bday?
And when I said that, i got chills. The hairs on my arm stood up (esp. Forearms, that’s how i know), and i got cold. My heart is pounding.
Could I be right? Could this be what’s bothering me?
Well, I think it’s your birthday today, donor...Congratulations are in order.
Cheers – for whatever reason. Thanks for looking out for me?? And most importantly, thanks for saving me and keeping me in check.
Almost everyone knows that i’m a huge dreamer – literally and figuratively. But i always remember my dreams in every detail and can 95% of the time recite at least 4 dreams I have each night.
I had 3 last night.
Most of my telling dreams occur between the hours of 3-5am, and although I am actually asleep for them, I know that they occur between these times for some reason. Ironically enough, they say that between the hours of 3-5am is when the gap between the living and the deceased is bridged and communication is a lot easier b/c the lines that keep us separate blur allegedly. That’s what ‘they’ say – who knows who ‘they’ are though. I’m not forcing anyone to read or believe any of this either.
Either way, I’m the sort of person who pays a lot of attention to what I dream, b/c for myself, my dreams help me sort out a lot of what’s going on in my life and helps me figure out shit. I get a lot of answers in my dreams as well. Visits too – which is precisely what happened lastnight.
I had a visit from Karyn. It was her, but at the same time it wasn’t – though i knew it WAS. She didn’t tell me anything important tho...we were just walking and it was more like she was seeing how i was doing and telling me to be careful. But she wasn’t. She was talking to me but I don’t remember sound coming out.
The second visit has kind of made me feel cautious today. Not to go into too many specifics, I had a visit from Jason, my transplant friend who unfortunately passed away in May. I’ve never had a dream about him before, and didn’t think I’d get a visit seeing as we weren’t very close. We were friends, but he had others he was closer to. But for some reason he showed up in my dream last night. We were in a field/park/pasture. It was really green (the colour of life) – vivid shades of greens – and there was an old wooden fence behind us, before a line of trees. The sky was overcast, but the type of overcast that makes the sky shriek with brightness. He had on a greyish blue shirt and a backwards hat. I could see myself at some points but I don’t remember what I looked like. And i can’t remember in detail what he was telling me, but he was also telling me to be careful. I don’t know why, but it’s a theme that has been running through my head for days.
Is it possible for things to be TOO good? I feel like I need to slow down almost. The exact words that flash through my head is to ‘not push my luck’. Should i take better care of myself? I know I am but should I maybe not go out so much? It’s confusing, b/c i want to use my new gift of life to each and every advantage, but at the same time, I need to be careful and take it easy. I drove to my old rehab today and the whole drive over i felt jumpy. I felt like I had to be careful...like I should pull over and go home and get off the road. The longer I drove, the stronger the feeling got.
Regardless, I went, and it was fine, but the feeling is still nagging me. I got home and I plan on staying here. Thank goodness for spidey senses, and friends who look out for you even on the other side. Nothing has happened to me, but i feel like something – somewhere, to someone, not necessarily me – might (God forbid, and i hope i’m wrong). Maybe I’m wrong; maybe I’m thinking too much. Maybe my mind is being overly reflexive and is mirroring the weather today (rainy, dark, cold – kind of perfect!).
Is it sad that what actually brought a giant smile to my face was the fact that I realized i could read all day undisturbed?? LOL. No, I am actually in a happy mood today, like always, but there’s just this intuitive vibe running through my head. I feel very....in tune today. It doesn’t really bother me, i’ve always been like this and can’t imagine knowing anything different...but i don’t know why i feel compelled to stay safe inside the nest today.
Thoughts?
And yes, I re-did the blog again. Thoughts again? Lke? Dislike? I like, though I need to get used to the fairy people on the side.
Hmm...well, upon talking to Megan i think i may be closer to figuring out why i feel like this today. Maybe nothing is going to happen, but rather, maybe someone is with me. My donor? I said. Maybe it’s their bday?
And when I said that, i got chills. The hairs on my arm stood up (esp. Forearms, that’s how i know), and i got cold. My heart is pounding.
Could I be right? Could this be what’s bothering me?
Well, I think it’s your birthday today, donor...Congratulations are in order.
Cheers – for whatever reason. Thanks for looking out for me?? And most importantly, thanks for saving me and keeping me in check.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Reign of Pneumonia continues...
Since being so violently shoved in the face the other day with the news that i have pneumonia, I can say that I quite agree with their diagnosis as I sit here roughly 3 days into it.
Now i 'feel' like i have it. My chest is sore, phlegmier and my left lung feels plastered to my rib cage today. I am more out of breath, exhausted, coughing more, all that fun, glamorous stuff. I am on 10 days of Levaquin so we'll see what it does. I am speculating that it will do nothing and something drastic will have to be done. I don't know why, but my spidey senses tell me i do.
To add to this ultimate barrell of fun is allergies! Things are blooming and my nose is running, and my allergies also make my lungs act like bitches so double yay on that font. I'm a giant ball of gorgeousness at the moment. My throat also hurts, and despite sleeping 11 hours lastnight I cannot keep my eyes open even tho I've only been awake for about 5 hours.
Triple yay.
Lastnight, in our usual Friday night tradition, i saw a horror movie with Jess. We saw The Haunting in Conneticut, and i can honestly claim that i have never screamed and jumped so much as i did in that movie. It was great that the trailer didn't show all the good parts either, coz we went in expecting that to be the case. We were suprised and elated, and i was terrified to fall asleep, but alas i made it through the night.
I had a dream this morning that i got the call - twice. I don't know how to describe it...they happened 2 days apart and the 2nd call i got the lungs on. I don't know if the first call in my dream was a false alarm, or if it was THE false alarm i had back in Sept, and the 2nd call will be the time i get my actual transplant...or if i'll get 2 false alarms and THEN the tx. It sucks coz we won't know until it happens, eh?
That's about it. I may be sick with pneumonia but i am happy. It is gorgeous out today. Hope u all have a great weekend!:D
Now i 'feel' like i have it. My chest is sore, phlegmier and my left lung feels plastered to my rib cage today. I am more out of breath, exhausted, coughing more, all that fun, glamorous stuff. I am on 10 days of Levaquin so we'll see what it does. I am speculating that it will do nothing and something drastic will have to be done. I don't know why, but my spidey senses tell me i do.
To add to this ultimate barrell of fun is allergies! Things are blooming and my nose is running, and my allergies also make my lungs act like bitches so double yay on that font. I'm a giant ball of gorgeousness at the moment. My throat also hurts, and despite sleeping 11 hours lastnight I cannot keep my eyes open even tho I've only been awake for about 5 hours.
Triple yay.
Lastnight, in our usual Friday night tradition, i saw a horror movie with Jess. We saw The Haunting in Conneticut, and i can honestly claim that i have never screamed and jumped so much as i did in that movie. It was great that the trailer didn't show all the good parts either, coz we went in expecting that to be the case. We were suprised and elated, and i was terrified to fall asleep, but alas i made it through the night.
I had a dream this morning that i got the call - twice. I don't know how to describe it...they happened 2 days apart and the 2nd call i got the lungs on. I don't know if the first call in my dream was a false alarm, or if it was THE false alarm i had back in Sept, and the 2nd call will be the time i get my actual transplant...or if i'll get 2 false alarms and THEN the tx. It sucks coz we won't know until it happens, eh?
That's about it. I may be sick with pneumonia but i am happy. It is gorgeous out today. Hope u all have a great weekend!:D
Saturday, March 14, 2009
For Whom the Sick Toll Rings
ME! ME ME I SAY!
Yup, as suspected and widely speculated, I beleive I am getting sick again. Well, not 'getting' sick 'again' rather, but most likely, the infection I had before - or whatever the hell it was - is most likely rearing its ugly head and boiling and toiling inside the lungulars.
I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay more congested, stuffy, and i am having a lot more trouble breathing. I awoke today feeling much like a titanium vault was resting comfortably on my chest, and every attempt i made at trying to cough it off just sent me into a coughing fit that failed to end itself.
I have been coughing more too, and not just b/c i'm more productive, but in general. I've also been coughing over stupid things courtesy of asthma, like scents. Lately, I can't brush my teeth w/o being thrown into a coughing fit b/c the scent of the toothpastes shoots to the back of my throat and off i go. Quite attractive if you have the pleasure of witnessing such a phenomenon to be honest. The other day I had a coughing fit so big that I almost through up spaghetti everywhere, but i champed it up and kept it down. WOO. Go me. Go gag reflexes and esophagus that doesn't apparently work. GO US ALL! I don't care if that doesn't make sense. GO EVERYONE WEEEEEEEEEE!
Anyways...
In the last 2 weeks I've had 2 transplant dreams and a lung related dream. The day before les parents departed for mexico, I had a dream I got the call. I didn't tell them this for obvious reasons. Then when they were away I had a dream that I got the call and the surgery. I was awake for the surgery, but I was completely numb and couldn't feel a thing. I remember watching them cut me open and open me up, and I watched them remove my guts so they could have more room to put the lungs in. I remember touching my intestines (they looked like hamburger helper) and being told to keep my hands to myself, and marveling at the fact that I was wrenched right open and in no pain. Then an hour after the surgery, I was scolded by my mum b/c I was running around while I was apparently sedated, and if i didn't stop and settle down, they'd take the lungs back. Then the dream I had 2 nights ago had me coughing up blood everywhere - all over the floor, toilet, sink, counter...just everywhere. I've never actually had this happen, but i've had spotting occur every now and then. I hope that this isn't a sign of things to come! I would most likely shit if i coughed up that much blood. It was just so red!
So other than transplant dreams, the return of my infection, coughing fits, feeling like i have a titanium vault on my chest, I am well, and I am happy, and I cannot ask for more. The weather is warming up which is great. I am struggling through my latest book...but i'm gonna truck along and finish it anyways, no matter how much i hate one of the main characters!
Yup, as suspected and widely speculated, I beleive I am getting sick again. Well, not 'getting' sick 'again' rather, but most likely, the infection I had before - or whatever the hell it was - is most likely rearing its ugly head and boiling and toiling inside the lungulars.
I am waaaaaaaaaaaaay more congested, stuffy, and i am having a lot more trouble breathing. I awoke today feeling much like a titanium vault was resting comfortably on my chest, and every attempt i made at trying to cough it off just sent me into a coughing fit that failed to end itself.
I have been coughing more too, and not just b/c i'm more productive, but in general. I've also been coughing over stupid things courtesy of asthma, like scents. Lately, I can't brush my teeth w/o being thrown into a coughing fit b/c the scent of the toothpastes shoots to the back of my throat and off i go. Quite attractive if you have the pleasure of witnessing such a phenomenon to be honest. The other day I had a coughing fit so big that I almost through up spaghetti everywhere, but i champed it up and kept it down. WOO. Go me. Go gag reflexes and esophagus that doesn't apparently work. GO US ALL! I don't care if that doesn't make sense. GO EVERYONE WEEEEEEEEEE!
Anyways...
In the last 2 weeks I've had 2 transplant dreams and a lung related dream. The day before les parents departed for mexico, I had a dream I got the call. I didn't tell them this for obvious reasons. Then when they were away I had a dream that I got the call and the surgery. I was awake for the surgery, but I was completely numb and couldn't feel a thing. I remember watching them cut me open and open me up, and I watched them remove my guts so they could have more room to put the lungs in. I remember touching my intestines (they looked like hamburger helper) and being told to keep my hands to myself, and marveling at the fact that I was wrenched right open and in no pain. Then an hour after the surgery, I was scolded by my mum b/c I was running around while I was apparently sedated, and if i didn't stop and settle down, they'd take the lungs back. Then the dream I had 2 nights ago had me coughing up blood everywhere - all over the floor, toilet, sink, counter...just everywhere. I've never actually had this happen, but i've had spotting occur every now and then. I hope that this isn't a sign of things to come! I would most likely shit if i coughed up that much blood. It was just so red!
So other than transplant dreams, the return of my infection, coughing fits, feeling like i have a titanium vault on my chest, I am well, and I am happy, and I cannot ask for more. The weather is warming up which is great. I am struggling through my latest book...but i'm gonna truck along and finish it anyways, no matter how much i hate one of the main characters!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
#3
So this is Christmas
And what have we done?
Another storm over
And a new one's just begun...
Yeah you read that right, "storm". We're getting our 3rd storm since Friday and it's a total bitch. I just had the misfortune of being out in it, and of getting stuck going up a hill on my way to Krystal's place. I tried my hardest, I applied the gas as much as i could, and i could hear my tires dying, could smell the fumes come through my windows, and yet my car wouldn't move.
We were stuck in the middle of a bloody hill. A huge fucking steep hill.
I couldn't turn my tires to do a 3 point turn. Nothing. No way out. No way out but down. So i put my car in reverse and went down the hill backwards.
And alas I am home, and in one peice, but damned if i'll go back out in this shit again! I was at Jenna's picking up something and was only in her house for 5 minutes, when I came out and my entire back window was a sheet of ice.
FUCK MY LIFE.
And tomorrow of course it is going to rain! Yeah...fucking great.
Anywho, I had another dream that I got my tx. I'm not sure if i dreamt it last night or the night before. Is that bizarre? I wanted to blog about it yesterday, and then i dreamt about my dream last night, and now I can't really remember the exact details of the whole thing except that it was a vastly different tx dream than from what i've usually had.
In this one i got the call and made it to the hosp. But i got further than that, i got prepped and went into the OR and then woke up, and i remember taking a deep breath in and marveling at how effortless it was and how great it felt, and how it seemed to go on and on forever.
I felt well.
I felt healthy.
I FELT NORMAL AND LIKE IT WAS THE WAY IT SHOULD FEEL.
Needless to say i woke and felt very happy and very satisfied, but this is where it gets fuzzy. I seemed to have dreamt about doing things too soon for the docs or something, like being active and dancing and so forth. Oh well. I TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND IT FELT GREAT AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS SO FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE!
*screams from the top of the world*
Now that that's over, that's really all I have to say. Not sure if i will blog tomorrow (to escape the madness) and if not, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! I hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas and that you eat lots, gossip lots, get naughty pictures and have an overall fantastic time!
And most of all, BREATHE AND ENJOY IT B/C YOU CAN! WEEEEEE!
And what have we done?
Another storm over
And a new one's just begun...
Yeah you read that right, "storm". We're getting our 3rd storm since Friday and it's a total bitch. I just had the misfortune of being out in it, and of getting stuck going up a hill on my way to Krystal's place. I tried my hardest, I applied the gas as much as i could, and i could hear my tires dying, could smell the fumes come through my windows, and yet my car wouldn't move.
We were stuck in the middle of a bloody hill. A huge fucking steep hill.
I couldn't turn my tires to do a 3 point turn. Nothing. No way out. No way out but down. So i put my car in reverse and went down the hill backwards.
And alas I am home, and in one peice, but damned if i'll go back out in this shit again! I was at Jenna's picking up something and was only in her house for 5 minutes, when I came out and my entire back window was a sheet of ice.
FUCK MY LIFE.
And tomorrow of course it is going to rain! Yeah...fucking great.
Anywho, I had another dream that I got my tx. I'm not sure if i dreamt it last night or the night before. Is that bizarre? I wanted to blog about it yesterday, and then i dreamt about my dream last night, and now I can't really remember the exact details of the whole thing except that it was a vastly different tx dream than from what i've usually had.
In this one i got the call and made it to the hosp. But i got further than that, i got prepped and went into the OR and then woke up, and i remember taking a deep breath in and marveling at how effortless it was and how great it felt, and how it seemed to go on and on forever.
I felt well.
I felt healthy.
I FELT NORMAL AND LIKE IT WAS THE WAY IT SHOULD FEEL.
Needless to say i woke and felt very happy and very satisfied, but this is where it gets fuzzy. I seemed to have dreamt about doing things too soon for the docs or something, like being active and dancing and so forth. Oh well. I TOOK A DEEP BREATH AND IT FELT GREAT AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS SO FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE!
*screams from the top of the world*
Now that that's over, that's really all I have to say. Not sure if i will blog tomorrow (to escape the madness) and if not, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! I hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas and that you eat lots, gossip lots, get naughty pictures and have an overall fantastic time!
And most of all, BREATHE AND ENJOY IT B/C YOU CAN! WEEEEEE!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
At the book sale
So yesterday was our muchly anticipated book sale. I woke up at 8 something, got dressed, hauled ass, picked up Telly and Krystal and we made our way in my disintegrating Ford Tempo downtown to where it was held. I drove up to the 4th floor and parked right beside the elevator like a fucking genius, and we finally made it to the monstrous book sale.
By all accounts it was monstrous, and by all accounts we weren't the only losers there whoring and embarassing ourselves. Actually, I was shocked at the amount of old people who just grappled and snatched and ran off with books! I found things slightly frustrating b/c they were only separated by genre, not alphabatized by author but oh well. After 2 hours I only had 1 book that i found on my own - a gift from God this book is - and pretty soon i enlisted the help of Katey and then Jenna who helped me find 5 more! By this time my arms were sore, my lungs felt like they were going to break away from my trachea and bronchi and i had to sit or else i would just fall down and never get off the floor. And i probably wouldn't care. I brought a canvas bag which was full, and i managed to successfully drag it back to my car when all was said and done.
In the end, I spent $14 on 7 books and it's miraculous. I'm pretty sure 2 of the books i got i will never read, b/c i'm pretty sure i got them just to say that i have them, and i'm definately sure that one of them (The Faerie Queen) I only got b/c i liked the picture on the front and b/c it was massive. Yup. I won't lie, I still do that, and I still judge a book by it's cover, so there.
This morning I had a dream that I got the call. It wasn't like my usual dream where I get it, miss it, and generally speculate as to whether or not it actually happened. In this dream, my pager went off, but like when it really happened i wasn't quite sure until someone told me. Well, i waited for my phone to ring, except it wouldn't, b/c we were in a basement at a 'function', but then my mum's blackberry went off and yup it was the transplant people! They told my mum where to go and to take our time, meanwhile my heart was singing, people were congratulating me, and I thought it was miraculous that some kind soul found it in their heart to save a life and donate their child's organs.
At this point, a judge from So You Think You Can Dance Canada (Tre), came up to congratulate me, and she sat down with chocolate to talk. I informed her that I couldn't eat b/c i was going to have surgery, and she smiled and said that it was ok, b/c pretty soon I would be dancing again. And that was pretty much it, but it was pretty fricken real. So I hope the real thing happens soon!
That's about it for now. Hope everyone's weekend is good. Having the usual lungular pain when I cough, and my throat is a tad sore, but what else is new?
By all accounts it was monstrous, and by all accounts we weren't the only losers there whoring and embarassing ourselves. Actually, I was shocked at the amount of old people who just grappled and snatched and ran off with books! I found things slightly frustrating b/c they were only separated by genre, not alphabatized by author but oh well. After 2 hours I only had 1 book that i found on my own - a gift from God this book is - and pretty soon i enlisted the help of Katey and then Jenna who helped me find 5 more! By this time my arms were sore, my lungs felt like they were going to break away from my trachea and bronchi and i had to sit or else i would just fall down and never get off the floor. And i probably wouldn't care. I brought a canvas bag which was full, and i managed to successfully drag it back to my car when all was said and done.
In the end, I spent $14 on 7 books and it's miraculous. I'm pretty sure 2 of the books i got i will never read, b/c i'm pretty sure i got them just to say that i have them, and i'm definately sure that one of them (The Faerie Queen) I only got b/c i liked the picture on the front and b/c it was massive. Yup. I won't lie, I still do that, and I still judge a book by it's cover, so there.
This morning I had a dream that I got the call. It wasn't like my usual dream where I get it, miss it, and generally speculate as to whether or not it actually happened. In this dream, my pager went off, but like when it really happened i wasn't quite sure until someone told me. Well, i waited for my phone to ring, except it wouldn't, b/c we were in a basement at a 'function', but then my mum's blackberry went off and yup it was the transplant people! They told my mum where to go and to take our time, meanwhile my heart was singing, people were congratulating me, and I thought it was miraculous that some kind soul found it in their heart to save a life and donate their child's organs.
At this point, a judge from So You Think You Can Dance Canada (Tre), came up to congratulate me, and she sat down with chocolate to talk. I informed her that I couldn't eat b/c i was going to have surgery, and she smiled and said that it was ok, b/c pretty soon I would be dancing again. And that was pretty much it, but it was pretty fricken real. So I hope the real thing happens soon!
That's about it for now. Hope everyone's weekend is good. Having the usual lungular pain when I cough, and my throat is a tad sore, but what else is new?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Dreams last for so long, even after they're gone...
I had a dream this morning that I got the call, and this time I had more time to get to the hosp. Remember my last dream where I got the call and was informed that I had 10 minutes to get to the hosp (and the stupid girl on the other line tried to have a conversation with me?) well, today, in my dream, I was given the luxery of having a whole 12 hours to get to the hosp. In my dream, I got the call at 7:30am and had until "19:30" to get there, which would make it 7:30PM. Pretty cool eh?
Got the tube removed yesterday! Having the tape pulled off my face hurt more than the tube slithering out of my nose! YAY! I was able to eat like a normal human being again and it thrilled me beyong all comprehension of ever being thrilled. As i write this I have a small pain in the left side of my chest. I tell myself it's pleurisy but more or less i will later on hate myself for blatently disregarding the early signs of heart attack as they happen to me. Oh well.
So yes, the tube experience went good. Wasn't too bothersome, though my throat was sore yesterday and is still a tad sore but nothing horrible. It gave me an excuse to consume mass amounts of freezies so that's always cool. After I got the tube pulled, dad and I went to TGH for physio, which was grand, and then we crossed the street to Sick Kids for my twice yearly check up, which went grand as well! YAY!
I was checked over by the doc, and she felt my throat, listened to my lungs, took my med list, and blah blah. She was a little alarmed to discover a 'small hemmorage' (say in Quebec french accent) in the back of my throat, as my glands weren't swollen. I reminded her that I just did a 24 hour pH probe test and had a tube down my throat, and she connected the two and said that my throat no doubt bled a little by the placing of the tube (which also accouts for the pain). So that's good. Considering the fact that i gagged and choked and vommited and died all over the place, having a small hemmorage in my throat isn't too bad.
Again the docs told me that they expect a great outcome from the tx. I will be the first person to ever get a tx who has no immune system (i'm a pioneer damnitt!) so that's exciting. They said that it's clear to them that there is no other option than this (as i clearly remember being told 2 years ago that lung tx would never be an option for me), so i felt validated again in my decision to pursue this choice of treatment.
The docs wanted to know my recent course of antibiotics. I riddled off my list (Tobi, then Cipro, then Suprax, then Tetracycline). I told them that I go off them and 2 weeks later am sick and phlegmy again. This got me a one way ticket to a now 'always' course of Tobi (grr). I will take Tobi the same way and in the same manner (continuous) as i take Septra and Zithromax. I wasn't thrilled but this prospect as Tobi is time consuming to take, but i got an order placed in for new neb cups and I also scored some new prescriptions, which I can't complain about.
That's about it. It's a gorgeous day out today and will be a gorgeous weekend for Thanksgiving! I am having Thanksgiving with the girlies tomorrow so that is tres exciting. My camera will hopefully be in by then and i can get some pics of us and our 'bounty'. Today I am not in TO, but I will be tomorrow as i have a scope of my espophagus.
Um...yeah. That's it.
Have a lovely day!!!
Got the tube removed yesterday! Having the tape pulled off my face hurt more than the tube slithering out of my nose! YAY! I was able to eat like a normal human being again and it thrilled me beyong all comprehension of ever being thrilled. As i write this I have a small pain in the left side of my chest. I tell myself it's pleurisy but more or less i will later on hate myself for blatently disregarding the early signs of heart attack as they happen to me. Oh well.
So yes, the tube experience went good. Wasn't too bothersome, though my throat was sore yesterday and is still a tad sore but nothing horrible. It gave me an excuse to consume mass amounts of freezies so that's always cool. After I got the tube pulled, dad and I went to TGH for physio, which was grand, and then we crossed the street to Sick Kids for my twice yearly check up, which went grand as well! YAY!
I was checked over by the doc, and she felt my throat, listened to my lungs, took my med list, and blah blah. She was a little alarmed to discover a 'small hemmorage' (say in Quebec french accent) in the back of my throat, as my glands weren't swollen. I reminded her that I just did a 24 hour pH probe test and had a tube down my throat, and she connected the two and said that my throat no doubt bled a little by the placing of the tube (which also accouts for the pain). So that's good. Considering the fact that i gagged and choked and vommited and died all over the place, having a small hemmorage in my throat isn't too bad.
Again the docs told me that they expect a great outcome from the tx. I will be the first person to ever get a tx who has no immune system (i'm a pioneer damnitt!) so that's exciting. They said that it's clear to them that there is no other option than this (as i clearly remember being told 2 years ago that lung tx would never be an option for me), so i felt validated again in my decision to pursue this choice of treatment.
The docs wanted to know my recent course of antibiotics. I riddled off my list (Tobi, then Cipro, then Suprax, then Tetracycline). I told them that I go off them and 2 weeks later am sick and phlegmy again. This got me a one way ticket to a now 'always' course of Tobi (grr). I will take Tobi the same way and in the same manner (continuous) as i take Septra and Zithromax. I wasn't thrilled but this prospect as Tobi is time consuming to take, but i got an order placed in for new neb cups and I also scored some new prescriptions, which I can't complain about.
That's about it. It's a gorgeous day out today and will be a gorgeous weekend for Thanksgiving! I am having Thanksgiving with the girlies tomorrow so that is tres exciting. My camera will hopefully be in by then and i can get some pics of us and our 'bounty'. Today I am not in TO, but I will be tomorrow as i have a scope of my espophagus.
Um...yeah. That's it.
Have a lovely day!!!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Aftermath
The night before i got my call, i had a dream that my pager went off twice and i missed it. Everytime i've had a dream that i've gotten 'the call', i've somehow managed to miss it. In my dream i remember checking my pager and hitting the green button and it saying, "NEW: 2". I didn't freak out tho.
The events that transpired on Tuesday definately reflected that. I was leaving my docs office when it happened. It's ironic b/c she had just finished telling me how bad my lungs were and that when I get sick next, oral antibiotics won't cut it; I will pretty much be on IV's all the time. I stood up and she walked to her door, when my phone rang and something started to beep. I looked down and my phone said "Restricted call". Thinking it rude to answer the phone in the docs office, I shut it and hung up on whoever was calling.
I didn't know it was 'them', the transplant team.
Thankfully, my pager went off and my doc and I couldn't figure out where the beeping was coming from. I always thought I would just know when it came, you know? Like when someone calls you with bad news, you know it's bad before you even answer the phone. Either way, we stood there for a good time before my brain registered, "OMG IT'S YOUR PAGER (you fucking idiot!)".
All was pandemonium.
I had a feeling tho that it wouldn't happen, that it would be a dry run. I just couldn't see it being the real thing, that my week would commence as it usually would... but now i know that it's definately coming soon which is awesome.
As my brain dodged these thoughts, i registered the positive of the situation:
a) i, thank god, had make up on, and looked relatively cute
b) it was fantastically warm outside which is always a plus
c) it validated my reason for taking the semester/year off, since uni started back today
d) Np period - always a plus
But then i remembered that i hadn't showered, and i was sweating from nerves. My mum took a pic of me and i looked frazzled and discombobulated. My camera is in getting fixed b/c, like Humpty Dumpty, it had a great fall, and took a tumble off my shelf and crashed into the wall. I wanted to have my camera with me for when i got the call but considering the situation at hand, getting new lungs and being able to breathe greatly trumped the absense of my camera momentarily. Mum's disgusting blackberry picture would have to suffice for the time being.
I couldn't get a hold of anyone save Jenna. I had to tell my mum twice on the phone that i had gotten the call, ("You got the call? What call?" "the FUCKING CALL MUM!" "Oh....OH!"...). Everything was going the wrong way, but it was a lot calmer than what my head thought would actually happen.
Everyone says the call comes when you least expect it. I always thought that was bullshit. What did they know? They don't know me, right? Well fuck me people, it came when i least expected it. At 11:06 in the morning at the doctors office in another city? Hello? No, i was certain my call would come in the middle of the night, and it would be madness, and my concern would be finding a bra to put on stat and trying to somehow make myself look cute.
Afterall, that's the most important matter when you're going in for major surgery and you're going to look disgusting afterwards anyways.
So here i sit, 2 days later, in the aftermath of an event that has brought me extremely closer to a goal that for so many years has been unobtainable. To think that had things worked out on Tues, i'd be awake and breathing right now. But things happen for a reason, and my 'real' time is coming very soon (of that I'm sure).
So lets hope it happens soon people, and the next aftermath will be the life-changing one.
Thanks for all your kind comments and words of encouragment! They mean so much to me and you guys ROCK!
And ow, shit, I just seriously snapped a rib sneezing. This much sneezing power should be illegal.
The events that transpired on Tuesday definately reflected that. I was leaving my docs office when it happened. It's ironic b/c she had just finished telling me how bad my lungs were and that when I get sick next, oral antibiotics won't cut it; I will pretty much be on IV's all the time. I stood up and she walked to her door, when my phone rang and something started to beep. I looked down and my phone said "Restricted call". Thinking it rude to answer the phone in the docs office, I shut it and hung up on whoever was calling.
I didn't know it was 'them', the transplant team.
Thankfully, my pager went off and my doc and I couldn't figure out where the beeping was coming from. I always thought I would just know when it came, you know? Like when someone calls you with bad news, you know it's bad before you even answer the phone. Either way, we stood there for a good time before my brain registered, "OMG IT'S YOUR PAGER (you fucking idiot!)".
All was pandemonium.
I had a feeling tho that it wouldn't happen, that it would be a dry run. I just couldn't see it being the real thing, that my week would commence as it usually would... but now i know that it's definately coming soon which is awesome.
As my brain dodged these thoughts, i registered the positive of the situation:
a) i, thank god, had make up on, and looked relatively cute
b) it was fantastically warm outside which is always a plus
c) it validated my reason for taking the semester/year off, since uni started back today
d) Np period - always a plus
But then i remembered that i hadn't showered, and i was sweating from nerves. My mum took a pic of me and i looked frazzled and discombobulated. My camera is in getting fixed b/c, like Humpty Dumpty, it had a great fall, and took a tumble off my shelf and crashed into the wall. I wanted to have my camera with me for when i got the call but considering the situation at hand, getting new lungs and being able to breathe greatly trumped the absense of my camera momentarily. Mum's disgusting blackberry picture would have to suffice for the time being.
I couldn't get a hold of anyone save Jenna. I had to tell my mum twice on the phone that i had gotten the call, ("You got the call? What call?" "the FUCKING CALL MUM!" "Oh....OH!"...). Everything was going the wrong way, but it was a lot calmer than what my head thought would actually happen.
Everyone says the call comes when you least expect it. I always thought that was bullshit. What did they know? They don't know me, right? Well fuck me people, it came when i least expected it. At 11:06 in the morning at the doctors office in another city? Hello? No, i was certain my call would come in the middle of the night, and it would be madness, and my concern would be finding a bra to put on stat and trying to somehow make myself look cute.
Afterall, that's the most important matter when you're going in for major surgery and you're going to look disgusting afterwards anyways.
So here i sit, 2 days later, in the aftermath of an event that has brought me extremely closer to a goal that for so many years has been unobtainable. To think that had things worked out on Tues, i'd be awake and breathing right now. But things happen for a reason, and my 'real' time is coming very soon (of that I'm sure).
So lets hope it happens soon people, and the next aftermath will be the life-changing one.
Thanks for all your kind comments and words of encouragment! They mean so much to me and you guys ROCK!
And ow, shit, I just seriously snapped a rib sneezing. This much sneezing power should be illegal.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
CoNgEsTeD
Ugh. I woke up today feeling extremely congested. Instead of having one big cough and getting it all out at once, i have a series of mini coughs where it comes up and goes back down...It's annoying and it's gross and it makes me feel terrible. I feel like i've wet cotton stuffed in my airways and that little air is getting through. Little air is getting through and little air is getting out. Aye.
I had a dream this morning that I was suffocating. I think I had two actually. In the first one, people were sitting on me and I felt like I was suffocating, and no matter how much i pleaded and screamed, no one got off me. Each time i yelled for the people to "GET OFF" it took all the air out of me, but I kept screaming and screaming and finally I woke up and was able to breathe. I had another one...something about needing to take my Advair (i think...maybe this was an actual thought though) and it was scary. These dreams where i can't breathe/am suffocating are very real, especially today b/c I think i actually was suffocating. I'm pretty sure i was on my stomach with my face smooshed into my pillow...and even with O2 jammed up my nose i was still suffocating. It's a scary feeling. You feel hollow b/c no matter how much you inhale, there's nothing to be taken in.
I remember last spring I had dreams like this (like when i fell through ice and sank to the bottom). This was the first sign that my lungs were dying. I was on Advair 150 and Advair lasts 12 hours. I'd wake up at 5am feeling like I was suffocating and would have to take a puff, and with ventolin (the blue puffer) and it still wouldn't help. I eventually went to the doc and was put on Advair 250 which helped muchly, but when I have dreams like this, it frightens me. I hate the way my mind only alerts me that something is amiss when i'm dreaming! Oh well.
This was almost 2 hours ago...and I still taken my Advair yet. I'm also starving but am too lazy to make food.
Today Beka and Sean get back from their honeymoon. I can't beleive they've been married two weeks. Tara was asking me how long weddings go, and then how long receptions go, and blah blah, and I told her it depended on the denomination but it wouldn't matter as long as she went with someone. Weddings are always funner when you go with someone, b/c then you have someone to sit with...unlike myself who went solo and sat at the table with waifs and strays...
I had a dream this morning that I was suffocating. I think I had two actually. In the first one, people were sitting on me and I felt like I was suffocating, and no matter how much i pleaded and screamed, no one got off me. Each time i yelled for the people to "GET OFF" it took all the air out of me, but I kept screaming and screaming and finally I woke up and was able to breathe. I had another one...something about needing to take my Advair (i think...maybe this was an actual thought though) and it was scary. These dreams where i can't breathe/am suffocating are very real, especially today b/c I think i actually was suffocating. I'm pretty sure i was on my stomach with my face smooshed into my pillow...and even with O2 jammed up my nose i was still suffocating. It's a scary feeling. You feel hollow b/c no matter how much you inhale, there's nothing to be taken in.
I remember last spring I had dreams like this (like when i fell through ice and sank to the bottom). This was the first sign that my lungs were dying. I was on Advair 150 and Advair lasts 12 hours. I'd wake up at 5am feeling like I was suffocating and would have to take a puff, and with ventolin (the blue puffer) and it still wouldn't help. I eventually went to the doc and was put on Advair 250 which helped muchly, but when I have dreams like this, it frightens me. I hate the way my mind only alerts me that something is amiss when i'm dreaming! Oh well.
This was almost 2 hours ago...and I still taken my Advair yet. I'm also starving but am too lazy to make food.
Today Beka and Sean get back from their honeymoon. I can't beleive they've been married two weeks. Tara was asking me how long weddings go, and then how long receptions go, and blah blah, and I told her it depended on the denomination but it wouldn't matter as long as she went with someone. Weddings are always funner when you go with someone, b/c then you have someone to sit with...unlike myself who went solo and sat at the table with waifs and strays...
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I had a dream...
I had a dream the other night... That I was running. It felt amazing, and it was remarkably easy. Even though I was running on the spot, I was fully aware that I had had my transplant already and couldn't beleive how bizarre it felt to just keep going and going and going and not feel the need to stop for fear that my lungs and heart would explode (all over the place). I remember that I didn't feel the need to stop at all and getting short of breath was not an imminent possibility.
Hopefully one day soon this will be the truth.
Yesterday was Sean and Rebekah's wedding! I can honestly say that it was an immaculate, beautiful, and touching ceremony and I tried my hardest to not cry my eyes out. Yes, my eyes got misty a lot and it didn't really hit me that Beka was getting married until we stepped inside the church. She looked gorgeous and so did Sean...it was a perfect ceremony and I didn't cough at all during it! YAY!. The reception was good too. There was a break between the reception and the ceremony so me and the people I went with were famished and went to Eastsides where we ordered a massive pizza and nachos and ate it all....all in time to eat dinner! It was good and I had a lot of fun. I was exhausted by the end of the night but it was worth it. My feet were sore and i drove home barefoot, and we were lucky enough that the weather held out for us and it remained sunny and hot for the entire day.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Stupid Questions....
There are stupid questions, and then there are stupid fucking questions. Today, for a good portion of this blog, I am going to focus on the stupid fucking questions that I've been asked regarding transplant. Hopefully, you people who have had tx, and for those of you who are waiting, can relate and get a laugh. This was brought to my attention upon having a conversation with Alice, who's a world away in South Africa waiting for a tx herself. Her blog can be read here: http://livinglifebreathlessly.blogspot.com/
And so we begin:
Stupid Fucking Question #1:
"Why are you out of breath? You must be out of shape..."
This question usually comes from some ignoramous who KNOWS that you need a tx and are in general overall poor respiratory health. These people must be kicked and punched and scratched upon asking.
Stupid Fucking Question #2:
"THAT makes you out of breath!?!"
Yes. Yes it does. In fact - EVERYTHING makes me out of breath so shut the fuck up and let me sit. By asking me such a question when I clearly can't breathe is only going to make the situation worse. So do me a favour and go away so I can die alone on the steps temporarily.
Stupid Fucking Question #3:
"Ugh...Smokers cough."
Yes, you're absoluetly right. I'm 22 years old and have already acquired smoker's cough. Thanks for the observation. Enjoy your time burning in hell.
Stupid Fucking Question #4:
" When's your transplant gonna be?"
If i knew that, I wouldn't be sitting here. Fucker.
Stupid Fucking Question #5:
" Who's your transplant going to be from/Do you know the donor?"
Honestly? HONESTLY!? How fucking stupid can you be? The answer is 'no and no'. This is a dumb question which doesn't need justification. It's just fucking stupid.
And so we have a list of 5 stupid fucking questions that I've been asked on countless occasions. I can happily report I'm not the only one who's gotten these. There are more questions I've been asked, such as, upon hearing me cough, "Oh...I've had that" and "Are you sick again", as well as, "Can you breathe w/o your oxygen on?" but...when you're as dumb as these people.....they don't warrant being given anymore attention then I've paid to them already. I even had a prof ask me when my transplant would be, and when i informed her i didn't know b/c someone had to die, she looked at me like I had kicked her up her uterus.
Don't get me wrong, you can't blame some people for just being ignorant and stupid. I know people don't live, eat, and breathe transplant the way I have to, so I can understand to an extent. But asking someone when they're going to be getting a transplant is kind of like asking a healthy person when they're going to have a heart attack in the future (if they even do). The answer is: I simply don't know.
Also, to add to this already long blog, I had a visit from Karyn lastnight in my dream. Today is 4 years exactly that she had her aneurysm and car accident. It was the last time that I ever spoke to her. Actually, as I look at the clock right now, this was the exact time of our last conversation. I am not overwhelmed with saddess the way I used to be. It's kind of bittersweet. In my dream, me, Krystal, Tara, and Jess were sitting around talking about Karyn. For some reason I was really emotional and crying hysterically. Then, Karyn's mum let us inside and we went to her room. On her bed was a brand new pic of her that I had never seen before. It was one of those Harry Potter like pictures where the ppl in it are moving and interacting. Well Karyn was smiling and waving and pointing at us. Then, she started writing something on the frame.
In black writing, she had written: "I miss you guys".
And with that, she smiled, and turned, and I woke up.
Again I was overcome with the same feeling that I get when I've had dreams about her before. They're different from regular dreams when you KNOW you're dreaming. You can actually feel that someone was there. It was amazing.
And with that chickies, I must close this long blog! Hope you're warm - it's a cold nasty bitch outside!
Cheers,
Bree:)
And so we begin:
Stupid Fucking Question #1:
"Why are you out of breath? You must be out of shape..."
This question usually comes from some ignoramous who KNOWS that you need a tx and are in general overall poor respiratory health. These people must be kicked and punched and scratched upon asking.
Stupid Fucking Question #2:
"THAT makes you out of breath!?!"
Yes. Yes it does. In fact - EVERYTHING makes me out of breath so shut the fuck up and let me sit. By asking me such a question when I clearly can't breathe is only going to make the situation worse. So do me a favour and go away so I can die alone on the steps temporarily.
Stupid Fucking Question #3:
"Ugh...Smokers cough."
Yes, you're absoluetly right. I'm 22 years old and have already acquired smoker's cough. Thanks for the observation. Enjoy your time burning in hell.
Stupid Fucking Question #4:
" When's your transplant gonna be?"
If i knew that, I wouldn't be sitting here. Fucker.
Stupid Fucking Question #5:
" Who's your transplant going to be from/Do you know the donor?"
Honestly? HONESTLY!? How fucking stupid can you be? The answer is 'no and no'. This is a dumb question which doesn't need justification. It's just fucking stupid.
And so we have a list of 5 stupid fucking questions that I've been asked on countless occasions. I can happily report I'm not the only one who's gotten these. There are more questions I've been asked, such as, upon hearing me cough, "Oh...I've had that" and "Are you sick again", as well as, "Can you breathe w/o your oxygen on?" but...when you're as dumb as these people.....they don't warrant being given anymore attention then I've paid to them already. I even had a prof ask me when my transplant would be, and when i informed her i didn't know b/c someone had to die, she looked at me like I had kicked her up her uterus.
Don't get me wrong, you can't blame some people for just being ignorant and stupid. I know people don't live, eat, and breathe transplant the way I have to, so I can understand to an extent. But asking someone when they're going to be getting a transplant is kind of like asking a healthy person when they're going to have a heart attack in the future (if they even do). The answer is: I simply don't know.
Also, to add to this already long blog, I had a visit from Karyn lastnight in my dream. Today is 4 years exactly that she had her aneurysm and car accident. It was the last time that I ever spoke to her. Actually, as I look at the clock right now, this was the exact time of our last conversation. I am not overwhelmed with saddess the way I used to be. It's kind of bittersweet. In my dream, me, Krystal, Tara, and Jess were sitting around talking about Karyn. For some reason I was really emotional and crying hysterically. Then, Karyn's mum let us inside and we went to her room. On her bed was a brand new pic of her that I had never seen before. It was one of those Harry Potter like pictures where the ppl in it are moving and interacting. Well Karyn was smiling and waving and pointing at us. Then, she started writing something on the frame.
In black writing, she had written: "I miss you guys".
And with that, she smiled, and turned, and I woke up.
Again I was overcome with the same feeling that I get when I've had dreams about her before. They're different from regular dreams when you KNOW you're dreaming. You can actually feel that someone was there. It was amazing.
And with that chickies, I must close this long blog! Hope you're warm - it's a cold nasty bitch outside!
Cheers,
Bree:)
Friday, July 6, 2007
I'll See You In My Dreams
*I can't help but cry every time i tell this story. I feel incredibly lucky to have had this dream. I havent had one quite this vivid since, at least not as lengthy. She comes to visit me sometimes, but now that I know she's ok and at peace, she just pops in. Hopefully soon she will come back. I know she will. Even though people pass on, they never truely leave. I am just so lucky to have experienced this. Thank you so much Karyn.
October 30th, 2005
I sat with Karyn in her hospital room. She looked normal. She was just sitting there looking the way she did the last time I saw her. She looked beautiful. It was just us. Her in her bed, and me in a chair beside her. We talked for about 4 hours, about everything. We laughed really hard and spoke about all the stupid things we used to do. Then it grew serious.
She told me about the accident, details about it that only she knows and only the police know, but things I don't remember now. I think she told me just for the sake of letting it be heard, but not to be repeated. I saw things from the accident scene that I could have only ever imagined had I not been shown. They were so real.
Then she told me about the aneurysm. How much pain she was in because of it. She was in so, so much pain - so much so that she let me feel it and I seriously woke up with the worst headache I have ever experienced in my entire life. I cannot imagine what she had gone through. For me it was just a dream. For her, it really happened. It was how she died.
Then she turned to me and smiled. "I'm really happy now" she said. "So, so happy." and i could feel the happiness radiating from her. I could sense she was finally at peace. In all the months that passed after she died, when i would dream about her she was just so angry, like she didn't understand why she died and why she had to leave. But finally, she was happy and at peace. We continued to talk, but I don't remember about what. We hugged and it was so real. I honestly felt like she had been there with me, it was unbelievable.
I woke up and had a massive headache. I was incredibly upset that my dream had ended, and that it was infact a dream and not real. It truely felt like mere moments before, Karyn was with me and it was like old times again.
The night before, October 29th, I had gone to the cemetary to see her, but i didn't feel that she was there. I didn't stay long at all, but for some reason, before I left, i turned around and looked at her headstone.
The last thing I said before leaving was, "I'll see you in my dreams."
October 30th, 2005
I sat with Karyn in her hospital room. She looked normal. She was just sitting there looking the way she did the last time I saw her. She looked beautiful. It was just us. Her in her bed, and me in a chair beside her. We talked for about 4 hours, about everything. We laughed really hard and spoke about all the stupid things we used to do. Then it grew serious.
She told me about the accident, details about it that only she knows and only the police know, but things I don't remember now. I think she told me just for the sake of letting it be heard, but not to be repeated. I saw things from the accident scene that I could have only ever imagined had I not been shown. They were so real.
Then she told me about the aneurysm. How much pain she was in because of it. She was in so, so much pain - so much so that she let me feel it and I seriously woke up with the worst headache I have ever experienced in my entire life. I cannot imagine what she had gone through. For me it was just a dream. For her, it really happened. It was how she died.
Then she turned to me and smiled. "I'm really happy now" she said. "So, so happy." and i could feel the happiness radiating from her. I could sense she was finally at peace. In all the months that passed after she died, when i would dream about her she was just so angry, like she didn't understand why she died and why she had to leave. But finally, she was happy and at peace. We continued to talk, but I don't remember about what. We hugged and it was so real. I honestly felt like she had been there with me, it was unbelievable.
I woke up and had a massive headache. I was incredibly upset that my dream had ended, and that it was infact a dream and not real. It truely felt like mere moments before, Karyn was with me and it was like old times again.
The night before, October 29th, I had gone to the cemetary to see her, but i didn't feel that she was there. I didn't stay long at all, but for some reason, before I left, i turned around and looked at her headstone.
The last thing I said before leaving was, "I'll see you in my dreams."
"Thank You"
*I originally posted this at the other board last month as well. It is about a dream that I had...I hope you enjoy it*
I stood in the doorway and looked at the bed. My friend's mother was dying. She had people around her, but I don't know who they were. A man soon stood beside me and we watched the woman struggle. I looked at this man, who had a scruffy, thick brown beard, and a grey sweatshirt and grey sweat pants on. I remember his sweatpants had elastics around the ankles. I didn't know who he was, but he felt incredibly friendly and welcoming. I felt like I had known him my whole life even though this was my first time meeting him.
We sat on the floor of the doorway across from each other. We spoke, but I don't know about what. I don't remember, I just remember we talked a lot and it was friendly. He told me about his daughter and how she was scared and really sad. He told me I had helped her. He leaned forward and gave me the biggest, warmest, bear hug I have ever received in my entire life. He said, "Thank you for helping my daughter." I remember his smile, so warm and friendly and thankful. He felt like an old friend. I had an idea now of who this man was. I was eager to call my friend.
As I was waking up from this dream I got my answer. I was still dreaming but somewhat conscious. As I sifted through dreamland I distinctively heard the word "ishkabibble" whispered into my ear, or my dream, I'm not honestly sure which. I turned on my computer and signed onto MSN. A few minutes later my friend signed in. I started talking to her.
"I have something weird to tell you." I began. "I hope it doesn't upset you." I stopped and continued. "I think your dad came to me in my dream last night. I don't really remember much, but we were sitting in a doorway and someone's mum was dying. He had on grey sweatpants with elastics around the ankles and a grey sweater. He had a really thick, scruffy beard and was bald. He was so friendly and had the biggest smile. I can't get the feeling of his hug out of my system though. It was just so warm and friendly, it was insane. He said "thank you for helping my daughter" and that was it. This is where it really gets weird though...when I woke up, I heard the word 'ishkabibble' in my ear." I finished and sat there. I stared at my screen and waited for her to reply. I would feel terrible if this had upset her. Her dad passed away when we were in high school of cancer. I hadn't met him (we played baseball together as kids so I may have seen him but even then, I wouldn't recognize him). Finally I got a reply. I could sense that she was crying.
"That's my dad." She said. "He didn't have a beard b/c of the chemo, but he had always wanted one. He got really skinny with chemo too, but before that he had been bigger. The tracksuit was his favourite outfit." I smiled. I wasn't crazy afterall! "You remember last night when I told you about "ishkabibble? That was his favourite word. He was the only person who used that word. He would just say it. He must have said it to let you know who it was."
She went on to tell me she felt happy I had told her this. I don't think this is something I could keep to myself. I would only tell her if I knew it wouldn't upset her. She told me that she finally felt like she was able to talk to someone about her dad's passing and all the signs she had received since. I guess that's me, and I am more than glad to help her through any sadness she hasn't dealt with. She told me her dad probably thanked me b/c she's been looking for signs for so long and just not getting any. I am just happy that I can help my friend out emotionally and confirm to her that even though it may not seem like he's here, he still is, you just have to look sometimes.
I found it incredibly sweet that her dad 'came' to me. I had never met him before and had absolutely no idea what he looked like prior to. This probably sounds crazy and I don't know what any of you believe. Do not for a second think that I am trying to inflict my beliefs on anybody. I would never do that. I just thought I would put it out there that, again, when it seems like all is lost.....it really isn't. They tell you to dream for a reason. Dreaming is where I get all my answers. I can only hope that if you ever feel lost or without answers, look to your dreams. There is more to them than meets the eye sometimes. Even if it's not meant to help you, you never know who else it may help.
I stood in the doorway and looked at the bed. My friend's mother was dying. She had people around her, but I don't know who they were. A man soon stood beside me and we watched the woman struggle. I looked at this man, who had a scruffy, thick brown beard, and a grey sweatshirt and grey sweat pants on. I remember his sweatpants had elastics around the ankles. I didn't know who he was, but he felt incredibly friendly and welcoming. I felt like I had known him my whole life even though this was my first time meeting him.
We sat on the floor of the doorway across from each other. We spoke, but I don't know about what. I don't remember, I just remember we talked a lot and it was friendly. He told me about his daughter and how she was scared and really sad. He told me I had helped her. He leaned forward and gave me the biggest, warmest, bear hug I have ever received in my entire life. He said, "Thank you for helping my daughter." I remember his smile, so warm and friendly and thankful. He felt like an old friend. I had an idea now of who this man was. I was eager to call my friend.
As I was waking up from this dream I got my answer. I was still dreaming but somewhat conscious. As I sifted through dreamland I distinctively heard the word "ishkabibble" whispered into my ear, or my dream, I'm not honestly sure which. I turned on my computer and signed onto MSN. A few minutes later my friend signed in. I started talking to her.
"I have something weird to tell you." I began. "I hope it doesn't upset you." I stopped and continued. "I think your dad came to me in my dream last night. I don't really remember much, but we were sitting in a doorway and someone's mum was dying. He had on grey sweatpants with elastics around the ankles and a grey sweater. He had a really thick, scruffy beard and was bald. He was so friendly and had the biggest smile. I can't get the feeling of his hug out of my system though. It was just so warm and friendly, it was insane. He said "thank you for helping my daughter" and that was it. This is where it really gets weird though...when I woke up, I heard the word 'ishkabibble' in my ear." I finished and sat there. I stared at my screen and waited for her to reply. I would feel terrible if this had upset her. Her dad passed away when we were in high school of cancer. I hadn't met him (we played baseball together as kids so I may have seen him but even then, I wouldn't recognize him). Finally I got a reply. I could sense that she was crying.
"That's my dad." She said. "He didn't have a beard b/c of the chemo, but he had always wanted one. He got really skinny with chemo too, but before that he had been bigger. The tracksuit was his favourite outfit." I smiled. I wasn't crazy afterall! "You remember last night when I told you about "ishkabibble? That was his favourite word. He was the only person who used that word. He would just say it. He must have said it to let you know who it was."
She went on to tell me she felt happy I had told her this. I don't think this is something I could keep to myself. I would only tell her if I knew it wouldn't upset her. She told me that she finally felt like she was able to talk to someone about her dad's passing and all the signs she had received since. I guess that's me, and I am more than glad to help her through any sadness she hasn't dealt with. She told me her dad probably thanked me b/c she's been looking for signs for so long and just not getting any. I am just happy that I can help my friend out emotionally and confirm to her that even though it may not seem like he's here, he still is, you just have to look sometimes.
I found it incredibly sweet that her dad 'came' to me. I had never met him before and had absolutely no idea what he looked like prior to. This probably sounds crazy and I don't know what any of you believe. Do not for a second think that I am trying to inflict my beliefs on anybody. I would never do that. I just thought I would put it out there that, again, when it seems like all is lost.....it really isn't. They tell you to dream for a reason. Dreaming is where I get all my answers. I can only hope that if you ever feel lost or without answers, look to your dreams. There is more to them than meets the eye sometimes. Even if it's not meant to help you, you never know who else it may help.
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