"DON'T stick things in your ear"

....said my audiologist to me as he took the ear-looky thing out of my ear hole.

"That's a lot of blood. You should have gone to your family doctor instead of me"

Internally I smiled, knowing full-well that calling my fam doc would've meant a wait, or a referral to the ER, which would entail a 6+ hour wait that I was in no mood to endure.

"I could've," i said, "but you were the first person to come to mind. It's not that my ear was spurting blood profusely everywhere or anything".

"True," he agreed. He stuck a q-tip coated in vaseline in my ear a few times and swabbed away the massive pool of blood.

"Look," he said, showing me the end of a seriously drenched q-tip. "A small clot. It's started to stop." He looked happy. He stuck the ear-looky thing back in my ear. "Aaaaaaand there it is: you punctured a blood vessel."

He looked down at me as I sat in the chair trying not to laugh.

"DON'T.STICK.THINGS.IN.YOUR EAR"

Ok I take the message to heart. It all started a few days ago after I showered, where I was sure I got water in my ear. It's nothing too annoying but if I force my teeth shut there is a 'thunk'ing sound in my head. I told him this but he saw nothing with the magic ear-looky thing. My dad thinks it's probably a snot build up. Today I was stretching when I felt the thing budge. Wicked, finally! I thought happily, as I dug through my purse in search for my thing of Q-tips. Finding them, I whipped one out and put it in my ear, swabbing.

I removed the q-tip and there was blood. I stuck the other end in. Blood. Waited a bit, got a new q-tip, same thing. So i called the only person I could think of and zoomed right over. By that point it literally was bleeding profusely - dripping out my ear and down my neck kind've profuse. But being a hero, my audiologist staunched it and I came home with a lesson I will never forget.

Did you know that the humans first instinct when they see a hole is to stick something in it?

Now you do.

Good for the Soul

Early morning drives are good for the soul.

I had to go out to Rockwood this morning for 7:30am to see the Babies - two french bulldogs who are almost a year old (but i refuse to beleive they are Big Boys now because I love them so much). I've been taking care of them almost daily, twice a day, since Sept. When my time was up I wasn't quite ready to head home, and still had Timmies left, so I decided to go for a drive. I went out to Eramosa, then Erin, Ospringe, all the side country 'towns' that I know so well from having my nana and papa have a farm out in Erin whilst growing up.

The sun was blazing away in it's usual wintery way. Clad in my blue heart flannel jammie bottoms and brown U of G sweater, I drove down the backroads towards the Farm. It still looks the same, all 181 years of it (that's 1830 people!) I was sad that I couldn't see the tell-tale red humungus barn door that dominates the back of the barn (thanks to the sun), but what can you do? I was happy to see that the new people who live there (nana and papa had to sell it in 2000 because it was just too much for them to take care of) were utilizing it well. At the side of the house where the red deck used to live, now houses a pen for horses. I'm glad the people are using the farm for its intended purpose instead of buying the land and eventually selling it to be used for future subdivisions. To take away memories of 4-wheeling, snowmobiling in -30*C weather, falling through the ice in my snowpants and having them heat above the iron woodstove, ect, would break my heart.

It was nice to drive out there and think, and plan, and get things together that i need to focus on in my head. I came home and emailed my boss about next weekend. I actually have it off (so far) and asked if it could stay this way (last minute dogs ALWAYS pop up and I don't know when the last time I had a full weekend off was). Then I emailed Evlyn about our trip, and emailed my friend (who's also my travel agent) about getting things together and tying loose ends. It felt good.

Now it's the shit I don't want to do: like get doctors notes, sort out meds, airport stuff, blah blah. I'm sure it's not honestly all that bad, and that the thought is actually a lot worse than doing it, but ugh. Then I still have to register for the transplant games....

It'll happen. No fuss. Still plenty of time...

I can't beleive it! I need 2 more paycheques (if that even!) and my trip will be paid for! AHH! This is happening people! Saving up for the games won't be that hard either, but I still have to register with the Canadian Transplant Association.

So yeah, the random drive was good for me. I like to go on them and appreciate the scenery and what not, and revel in the fact that I finally have a future.

Hope you're all well!

Lungs of Awesome

I have accomplished a lot today.

1) I woke up and got dressed and flew out the door at superhuman amazing speed
2) I got Timmies
3) I sped to Kitchener
4) I did my PFTs
5) I got my port flushed
6) I got more Vivaglobin ordered
7) I fed someone's cats

And here I sit.

I initially thought my PFTs were botched and that I ruined them, seeing as I broke the cardinal rule of consuming a huge drink before hand. I guzzled my XL tea because there's no way I can drive to Kitchener in that kind've traffic without tea in my system and not feel the urge to murder people for driving and/or acting like assholes. But alas, it didn't ruin anything. However, I did make up for it by taking the 4 flights of stairs instead of the elevator so maybe that also helped.

So what were my PFTs you ask? Well, grab your gochies, and your extremeties, and push any and all Old people of out the way: 87%!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 6% higher than last month! WOO HOO! I'm sooooooo thrilled, and it makes it even better because I met with my respirologist last week who told me I was too healthy to be there and to get the hell out of her office and that she didn't want to see my face for another 6 months. So this just makes it better! It actually blows my mind because it's taken me a good 5 months to get my PFTs up since having that small bout of pneumonia. It wasn't even bad but it took 10% off my PFTs and only now am I getting it back. I know I'll get back up to 90 + % but Jesus, I can't imagine what couldn've happened if the pneumonia was any worse!

Blood work on the other hand has been screwy: Cyclo levels too high, so my Cyclo pills have dropped from 175mg 2x a day to 100mg 2x a day, Imurran has dropped from 75mg once a day to 50mg once a day because my RBC are low (79...120 is normal). Yeah, i'm extremely anemic, but when you figure this:

1) I have gastroparesis, and can't digest fats

and

2) Iron pills constipate me beyond all comprehension

it equals

3) Being kind've fucked

And honestly, you can only take laxatives and colonic so much before your body says "Fuck you" and it stops working. I take 4 laxatives a day and that helps, but if i go an introduce iron pills into my diet it messes everything up. I see my immunologist next month so we'll see what concoction he comes up with to fix me. If not, oh well.

What else? I officially have half my trip saved up for! Weeeeeeeeee!!! I still have to book flights and the like but it's under way!!! 5 months now holy-ness! :)

And for now, I think that's it.

Ok, Ok

I know I've been absent. And I won't lie, I don't have a legit reason. I've had nothing interesting to post about and when I have thought of something worth posting about, I've just been too lazy to do so.

Currently I am stuffing my face with Smarties and looking at pics of a fellow tx'ers tx. He had it not even 2 weeks ago and is already out! Unfortunately for the morbily minded like myself, the pics aren't gorey, but you can't have it all eh?

Sometimes the best pics are the before and after lung shots. The old lungs vs the new. Sometimes it's nice to see really horribly diseased, bloody disfigured lungs, compared to healthy, pink, sturdy lungs. I used to actually think that being sick was all in my head, even near the end when I was coughing shit up that was the colour and consistency of flourescent green Gak. Then I breathed easily with new lungs and realized, "Ok. I wasn't crazy".

Megs had the best tx pics, b/c she had pics of herself cranked right open during surgery, and pics of her old lungs splattered in a dish. Her old lungs actually flaked apart b/c they had to be scraped from her chest cavity. Those kinda pics make you want to grab a snack so you can enjoy the show.

Um....

I had my final exam on Monday. So far, that's all I know.

And that's pretty much it. I've been pretty boring lately, and I apologize.

Sadness spares no heart

I had a busy day today. 10 dogs, the last of which was Weegee.

Weegee is a Westie - or West Highland Terrier. She's spritey and silly and loves to roll in the sunshine. She loves her stuffed squirrel and she loves to sit with me on my lap and cuddle. She loves hugs. She loves everything.

I got into Weegee's place and saw a note. Notes usually greet me with instructions or just general "have a good walk".

But today was different.

Today's note brought me some sad news.

Weegee is going away. One of her owners has become so allergic to her that she has had to move out of the house temporarily due to the development of breathing problems. The note informed me that within the week, Weegee will be gone.

Thursday may or may not be my last visit with her. Today very well could have been it. Needless to say, I left with a heavy heart. And yes, I've cried about 4 times.

It made me realize how we take our pets for granted. Besides the obvious thought of having them die, rarely do we contemplate the fact of being forced to give them up due to means beyond our control. I don't know who I feel sadder for: Weegee's owners, or Weegee herself. She has no idea what is going to happen; one day she will wake up, and be whisked away, never to see her owners again. It breaks my heart.

Needless to say I came home and mauled the girls as much as humanly possible. I went into the dining room and scoured over pictures of Casey. I went to the basement and looked at his urn, his footprint we had made, and his crazy lock of fur that we were fortunate enough to be able to keep.

This of course made me cry more. I love animals almost too much perhaps. I want them to know that if no one else will love them, that I will, no matter how silly, or ugly, or rediculous they are.

So yes, it was with a heavy heart that I said goodbye to Weegee. Again, it's made even sadder because she has no clue what is going to happen. The letter I was left was dripping in sadness; they leaked from the owners words and splashed onto my heart. It made me realize how much I too take my own pets for granted. I'm used to coming home and having 2 dogs and 2 cats. I've never thought that I may be forced to give one of them away. It's not the worst thing in the world but it has definitely dampened my day.

And in other pet-related news, I had to relocate one of our fish, whom I've named Bean due to shape and size. Bean has had a murder-attempt on them and has been attacked by another fish and lost its tail, scales and skin. Bean is now safely ensconsed in a fish bowl that I took from a wedding and is now living on the kitchen counter, away from said evil murderer fish.

**UPDATE**
It is with sadness that I inform you that Bean has succumb to his injuries as a result of Noodle's murderous rampage. He made the journey from bowl to toilet safely. He floated into the toilet hole with grace and is in a place where said murderous demon fish cannot hurt him.

Rest in Peace, Bean 2010-2010.

Early Morning Fog

It's horrendously foggy this morning. It's so amazing that I can't even begin to describe it. No, the picture above isn't one that I took, but it pretty much shows exactly what I saw this morning as I had the extreme fortune to have an early morning walk in it.

When I was sick, I longed to have a day where I could wake up early in the morning and just go. Just go whether it be mizzly, humid, foggy, cloudless, what have you.

And then lastnight, the most amazing fog descended upon Ontario and decided to stay around for a while. I left my lecture at 10pm and honestly thought there was a fire somewhere and that campus was surrounded by smoke, but in reality, it was a dense fog.

Come 7am, it was still here.

I rolled out of bed and got ready, got my Tim's and headed to Blue's house. Blue is the Aussie Sheppard I am pet sitting for the next while while his 'parents' are away in the UK. Blue is a doll and he squeals like a little girl when he sees me. He has huge innocent amber eyes. I love him as if he were my own.

So i get to Blue's place, we have our morning cuddle, he runs to the backyard and pees, disappearing in the abyss that is the backyard. I feed him breakfast, grab my tea, and we embark for our 30 minute walk into the fog.

How spectacular it was. You couldn't see more than 10 feet in front of you, and here I was, probably one of few people who are actually dazzled by the clouds drifting by me. It was so amazing to just walk effortlessly, taking deep breaths in and out and send my thoughts out. What's even more amazing is that Blue and I were the only 2 in the park (truth be told, even if there were other ppl in the park we wouldn't've seen them anyways)

I didn't want the walk to end. I wanted to stay there forever with Blue beside me, continuing to be amazed by the foggy world around me. Maybe I am simple minded, and a simple creature, but this fog event has completely made my day. I don't want it to disappear. The whole time I was walking I had a piano composite called "Like You" in my head. It completely captures the magical mood of the fog. If you care to listen, go to this link and hear the kind've fantasical world I am living in right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dN8Np7Il5w0

Dear Fog: Please stay. Don't let the sun burn you away.

Bad Tagged In Photos

My hairdresser Jen doesn't believe that I ever take bad photos. Truth be told, I've been tagged in some pretty horrendous ones.

Enjoy.

Dracula

This post has nothing to do with Dracula. I just thought it would add an intreguing touch.

I went back to blonde today. As you can tell. And yeah, that's a mushroom on a fork.

You like? This is thanks to JEN, the awesomest hairdresser to ever exist. Thank you muchly woman! Btw, I got the Lady Gaga Remix CD. LOVE IT.

Awesome-times.

Peasant Food

I like peasant food.

Simple things, like nuts, cheese and apple, cheese and bread, grapes and cheese...squirrel food essentially. I like creating soups and stews with random things. I like oatmeal. All peasant food.

On tonight's menu is beer stew with french bread. It smells miraculous, and would be even better if it was bitterly cold out, with gusty winds and shit flying by my window, like small animals and scrawny helpless children.

But alas, it's 19, and sunny, and the winds are gusting at roughly 50k (figure it out yourselves, americans)

We were allegedly supposed to get a weather bomb yesterday, which the Weathernetwork once again lied to me about, got my hopes up, and not a shred of destruction to be spotted. I even slept with my blind all the way up in anticipation of being awoken in the wee hours of the morning by a tree snapping in half and breaking through the side of someone's house. But no. Nothing happened.

To be fair, it is windy out, but not the 80-100K they promised/lied about. What can you do? We are owed a storm, since summer offered us nothing.

Um....

I was in the mall yesterday buying a hairpeice for Halloween. I'm being a renaissance queen and the costume is brilliant, albeit 2 sizes too big. It's rented and a size 2, and it hangs off me and makes me look like a house. It has a crown and I've been fiddling around with make up for it. I am tres excited.

While I galavanted around the mall i stopped by North by Northwest and spotted a pair of snowpants. They were $75. Yay for being small and wearing children's wear sometimes. I must get them soon before someone else does and I'm forced to pay regular people prices.

I just remembered that I need to get blood taken for TGH sometime this week. And I could barely get out of bed this morning (distraughtness due to lack of weather bomb notwithstanding) because I felt like a zombie. It was then that I realized I forgot to do my injection yesterday and as a result must do 2 today.

If i remember.

What are you?

Have you ever wondered what you are?

What your purpose is?

You know you are not insignificant, right? I hope so, because everyone has a purpose on this earth, whether they feel like they do or not. Otherwise, why would we be here?

I was wondering this exact sentiment the other day when I pulled up to one of my dog-clients house. What is my purpose? I asked myself. What AM I?

And it came to me as quickly as a thought: I am a healer. I am meant to be here on this earth to heal people. Whether it be with words, through touch, or food, whether it be people, especially the sick, or animals, I am meant to heal them. I am meant to mother them.

Not in the biologicial sense. I will never have kids of my own, and that's ok, but that doesn't mean that I can't be a mother to other things, like animals, and sick people, who can't get that material healing from their own, or if they need additional love through words and such, I can be the one to give it to them - to help them heal, and deal with whatever ails them.

Does that make sense? Maybe I am psychotic, I don't know. Maybe I think too much. But it makes me feel better to realize what my purpose on this earth is. Especially long term. I can't see myself sitting in an office for 30+ years. I like to move around too much, have small adventures. I like to tell my story and narrarate along the way.

I will not be pointless. I will be significant. I will make an impact.

That's my purpose.

Mmmm

It's really rediculous how great a fabulous cup of tea can make you feel. Shitty tea makes me want to knock children over; fabulous tea makes me want to sing songs and jump in puddles and hold ppl's hands and sing kumbya.

But i won't.

Instead, I will remain ass firmly planted on the couch, watching Build a New Life in the Country on BBC Canada. Drinking my tea on this perfect fall day: wet, mizzley, humid day.

I've walked 4 dogs today, and see the 2 baby French bulldogs at 8:30. So far, totally loving the job and i have a feeling i will continue to do so. I love waking up early and seeing all the little creatures, because unlike humans, dogs aren't bastards in the morning. They are smiley and excitable and overall just love to see you. And i love seeing them.

Yesterday I bought a Northface tri-climate jacket. That means it's good for lots of weather, namely rain, downpours, and winter. I didn't want to cut corners on a jacket since I will be out in all types of weather, but that doesn't mean that i didn't silently give spontaneous birth when i saw the price of $305. Now all I need will be snow pants to stay warm in when the weather turns to utter crap and i'll be good! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!

On the health front, things are good. Sadly, the infusion stuff is getting low and i'll have to order stuff in soon. Ugh. i hate ordering stuff, because i hate talking on the phone. but what can you do, eh? I promise i will post pics soon of the stuff. I'm just lazy.

I think that's it for now.

SURPISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess who found a hidden stash of old (sealed but crumpled) packages of srynges and needle sharps buried beneath the medical rubble of their closest?

ME!!!!!!!!!!

And why am I so excited about this? BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN DELAY THE SCARY PROCESS OF ORDERING MORE MEDICAL SUPPLIES EVEN LONGER!

DOUBLE YAY!

Look...!

...at this creature

I want it.

I must have it.

How can you resist that face? I want to squish it, and squeeze it, and love it forever.

In case you're wondering, that's a Newfoundland Retriever, and I've been thinking about getting one for a while. Of course, I have to save up for it, but I'm willing to do that. Hell, I'm saving up for my trip so why not save up for my own dog as well, right? So weeeeee!!!!!!!!

I had a meeting with a bone doctor the other day. Things are fine and i'm on the proper meds for it, and I inquired about my sternum pain and she said it's to be expected. She called it "rheumatism" *aka, layman's term* for arthritis. She was a nice doc and tested everything else and said that i was essentially fine.

What else? Life has been normal. Waking up at 6:30am almost every day to walk dogs. I love it. It's great.

And that's about it.

How cool is this!?!

My phone has been ringing every hour on the hour since 3:24pm. I couldn't answer the first time b/c I was driving (it's illegal to be on the phone and drive in Ontario) the rest of the times I just havent been around my phone when it's gone off, but have seen some annoying person calling me with no traceable number.

Finally, it hit me: my coordinator! If they call you and you don't answer, it is programmed to call you every hour on the hour until you listen to the message. So finally, at 6 something, I called the number and low and behond, a message was waiting.

So i start listening and my co-ordinator says, " I heard actually through the people at Trillium..." to which I rolled my eyes and thought, "Fuck. What've they heard now?!"

But it was good! Good, good GOOD i tells ya! More than good! MIRACULOUS!!!! Ok *sits down* The people at Trillium Gift of Life were so moved by my letter to my donor family that they were calling to ask if they could use it for medical students while they train - learning about organ donation. They wanted to know if they could use excerpts of it for the students to read so they could get a better understanding of just how impacting organ donation is. She said that they found it exceptionally well written, moving, and heartfelt. She hoped that it wouldn't damage the relationship I have begun to build with my donor family. I called back ASAP and said to go right on ahead, that they have my permission to use whatever they would life - half of it, some of it, all of it.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Then i made my mum listen to it. And then my dad. And then I will listen to it again and make myself realize that i am AWESOME and this is EXACTLY what i want to be doing with me life!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, screaming aside, things are grand! Dog walking is busy busy busy, and I am gone from 8:30-3pm pretty much, zooming all over the place and walking dogs. Life really couldn't be more awesome right now. No stupid people to deal with, no stupid stuff, no stupid anything. Just doing a job where i can do what i want, wear sweatpants if i want, a dress if i want, sandles if i want, shoes if i want, eat when i want, listen to music if i want, be silent if i want, avoid contact with people if i want, squeeze animals all i want, kick children in the park and run if i want, knock children over it i want.

It's beautiful. *squeak out tear at happy thought of knocking children over, whilst in sweatpants, with iPod in*

It's been a wicked day! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's so awesome to finally have a job that i don't flat out hate, that i feel inadequate at and where people are judging me. Animals don't judge, they just want love my friends. And that's what i've got : love love love!

"We're on shit that could kill a horse"

Upon investigation of possible side effects of antirejection meds, Cassie and I accumulated this list:

Cellcept:

- rare untreatable brain disease
- can give you HIV
- lukemia
- lymphoma
- uable to control muscles

Prograf:
- can make you go into a coma
- seizures
- decreased pee
- weight gain
- back pain
- rash
- itchy
- hearburn
- vomitting

Cyclosporin:

- facial swelling
- hair growth
- high blood pressure
- kidney and liver probs
- headaches
- high cholesterol
- loss of appetite
- vomitting
- acne or oily skin
- the shakes
- joint pains and cramps
- weakness and anxiety
- tingling in face and extremities
- night sweats
- hearing loss

Prednisone:

- vision problems
- eye pain, redness or tearing
- sore throat
- fever, chills, cough, or other signs of infection
- seizures
- depression
- confusion
- muscle twitching or tightening
- shaking of the hands that you cannot control
- numbness, burning, or tingling in the face, arms, legs, feet, or hands
- upset stomach
- vomiting
- lightheadedness
- irregular heartbeat

...and the very best, lets all yell it out together!:

LOSS OF CONTACT WITH REALITY

Fucken eh! That's all I have to say about that! So my tx friends, when you're feeling down and out, or ready to smack a bitch, or get on board your spaceship, take a peek at this special little list and find some comfort in the fact that it's not really you that's making you feel so effed, it's your medication yo.

Upon other things, things are grand! My new job is amazing - seriously busy, with a confusing schedule, and lots of zooming around and the like, but i love it. Thanks to my affinity for hating people (ok that's a lie: they're assholes), dog walking is pretty rad. The time is good too, which is fab! Some early mornings which I don't mind, some live out of the city, some need to be seen 2 to 3 times a day, most of them walked for 30 minutes, some are only walked certain days of the week, all must be seen at or around the same time each day, it's good. And i have to squeeze in appts in the mean time. And squeeze in seeing Finn.

And learn to give myself injections. And keep a stupid log *shakes fist in anger*

But other than that, i wouldn't have it any other way! Oh, and school starts next week, and I'm going to be joining a walking group with a fellow tx friend.

Weeeeeeeee!!!!!!

Ok, off to fill my pill box.

Brain Purging

It's time for me to get my shit together. Get my ass in gear. Start moving forward and stop living in the past. Get out of this lazy funk. That's one major downside of transplant, is that you get used to living and having all this free time, that when you actually need to do things, it's hard to find motivation to do it.

Things I need to do:

1) My OGS volunteer work

2) Job hunt - which i always am doing anways

3) Decide on what sport I will be competing in for the World Transplant Games in Sweden next year

4) Start training

5) Go to the mall and pick up another travel book, since it looks like my euro-trip with Evlyn is out:( I really really want to go, but after the games next summer in June, if i went on the euro trip, i'd be gone the whole month of July, and I need to be here because my sister is getting married next August 6th, and I'm the maid-of-honour so I kinda need to be here. BUT! Eve and I will just do another trip! She wants to come here to Canada so maybe we will do a contiki canada tour? Either way, we'll do something

6) Pay fall tuition fees - hate reminding dad of that, ugh

And then there is the immediate stuff i need to do, like go back to the docs for another antibitic. I'm not sick again per ce, because after pneumonia i went on an extra 7 days of Avelox because i was coughing a bit of shit up, and i wanted it erradicated. We had a feeling that it wouldn't work, and that i would begin to become resistant to it, and that is the case. I feel like the Avelox worked abit, but there is still a small bit of mucus in my main bronchus/trach and i want it gone, so i'm going in for an 'emergency' visit today to get something else....It works out, because i also discovered a nice massive bit of heat rash on my scar. Wonderful. Beautiful. Amazingly magical. It doesn't hurt, because i have no feeling under my boobs, but it was flaky after my shower this morning and quite gross. So in all actual-ness, it works out, i can kill two birds with one stone: get a new antibiotic, and get a topical cream for my wonderful rash.

Another immediate thing I need to do/already did, was email the woman who has been contacting me for RecylceMe about how I can fundraise in order to go to the games. I'm glad I did it now as opposed to in the winter when time would be coming to a close. Ugh. So much to do....so so much to do. And this is not including my fall course (which is a first year and once a week so really, not that bad) and then be a maid-of-honour for my lovely sis. I need to figure out how to do that, because I don't know how to be a maid-of-honour. Maybe a maid-of-laziness but not maid-of-honour.

Oh yes, I also wrote back to my donor family. Will give it to my co-ordinator at clinic next Monday.

Ok. Brain has been purged. I feel better now.

P.S. Alice got married on August 7th - my one year. And i've seen the pics and she looked so gorgeous that i shed some happy tears for her. It seems like yesterday that we were both waiting for our transplants and wondering if we'd ever get married...and alas, she has! Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Chris and Alice Vogt! :)

Some cool stuff

Lots has been happening these last few days. Cool stuff, exciting stuff....stuff in general.

First: MY SISTER GOT ENGAGED!!!!!!!! How exciting!

Second: I AM JOING A ROLLER DERBY TEAM! Yes! For real! I am joining with Krystal and my friend Laura. We are sooooooo stoked. To quote Krystal, we are excited to "push and shove people" and generally get the collective shit knocked out of us. AND! Hopefully we get names. So far this is what we've come up with:

Krystal: Fire Kracker

Laura: Ankle Biter

Me: Biggie Smalls.

For real!!!!!!

Third: I never went for my IV on Friday, because they were understaffed, so at some point this week, amongst all my other shit, i have to go in. My week is insane.

Monday: PFTs, blood work
Tues: x-ray, roller derby meeting
Weds: RecycleMe thing, follow up "i has pneumonia?" appointment
Thurs: nothing, IV maybe?
Fri: brunch with the physio gals

Yup, but i'm excited to have stuff to do for once. Today i'm sitting out on the deck, with a tea, working on my Ontario Geneaological Society stuff. It's sooooooo cool. Unfortunately, due to confidentiality, i can't really disclose much else.

My parents are on vacation for the next 2 weeks, and at some point we're going to go up to Durham to visit my grandma c's grave, because we havent been since she died back in '96.

Would you like to hear a funny story about that? Yes, yes you would.

When my Grandma C died, she had a dog named Cuddles. Cuddles thus went into the custody of my Aunt Pam. Well, Cuddles died this past year, and Aunt Pam had the wee creature cremated. But whatever did she do with him? Well, she called my Aunt Katharine-Anne and made a trip up to Durham with a bright idea. Together, they went to the cemetary where Grandma C is burried and brought a spade.

And they dug a hole.

Where Grandma C is burried.

Yeah. We're all aware that this is entirely illegal, but at least Grandma and Cuddles are reunited at least, eh?

*smiles all around*

What else? I just finished talking to my cousin who i don't get to talk to all that often. Thank god for facebook and it's ability to track family members and people. I always make a point to go out of my way to message my family members because I think it's incredibly important to stay in touch - no matter how weird or distant or whatever some people can be. And always let them know you love them, because family is important.

In other news, we have 2 frogs in our pond! They're small, and we beleive they came to our pond in a bit of plants that dad stole from a swamp one day.

Anywho, that's it for now. Must go get another tea: mine tastes like shit.

Mozel Tov

I feel like i'm dying.

No, not in the physical sense. The body is alive and well, but mentally, i feel like i'm dying.

This is normal, of course. I go for my monthly IV next Friday and i always begin feeling like this exactly a week before I need to get it. Having a blood disease sucks. When I need to get it, I just feel lethargic, mentally numb, blah...and yeah, I pretty much just want to lounge on the couch and not be bothered. I just feel unmotivated, low on gas, can`t be bothered.

Like i`m dying.

Anywho...

I made 4 loaves of bread the other day. Multigrain Mama bread to be exact, sent from the Wilderness, delivered to my door, directly into my tummy. It was fabulous, and my next recipe to tackle will be Newfie-land Partridge Berry Bread. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Today, I`m having a huge prednisone fail. I just can`t seem to stop eating. Cheerios, orange, watermelon, 5 oreos, Nature Valley bar, crackers, then spaghetti. All i want is an extra large tea which i shall promptly go get. And maybe a donut since i`m a humungus pig.

What else?

I think that's it, but i'm sure I'll think of something the minute i log out.

Transplant Friendship

Is different than normal healthy people friendship.

Transplant friendship is...
being able to talk about your fears
of living
dying
sad thoughts
weight
meds
doctors

Celebrating small things...
like taking 8 pills at one time
prednisone doses going down
Controlling yourself in the presence of food
running up the stairs
shitting everyday
No more nebulizers

Transplant friendship is...
Talking about FEV1 and FVC and PFTs and ABGs
and knowing what they mean
Getting blood once a month is thought of as few and far between
Talking about vomitting, and exhaustion, and lung function
As if it were something everyone talks about

Transplant friendship is...
Being able to celebrate and discuss mucus
the colour
and taste
the feel
and not be grossed out
Being able to talk about peeing and having the shits
and celebrating instead of being turned off

Transplant friendship is...
evaluating your surroundings
routing out the fuckheads
the people who only want to be your friend when it's convenient for them
or who want things from you
It's valuing the friends you have
because you know
you KNOW
that all it takes
is one little thing
and poof
they are gone
vanished
forever

Transplant friendship has...
taught me a whole new normal
has taught me to love life and all the little things
to not judge an outer shell on its appearance
because underneath
you never know
could just be a rockstar

Transplant friendship has...
given me humility
humbleness
strength
passion
love

I am thankful to be a transplant recipient, friend, and survivor. It has made me who I am.

Unconventional Sunday

I've decided to stay up late tonight

because i am alive

because I can

because I can breathe

Even though i have a job interveiw at 10:30 in the morning

And i need to shower before hand

And shave my legs

Which takes forever

because i like long showers

But it doesn't matter

BECAUSE I CAN BREATHE

No more shortness of breath

Nothing leaves me breathless

But I don't forget what it's like

Excitment coursing through my veins

For the next day to come

Big hair

Big make-up

for no reason other than

to celebrate the fact that I AM ALIVE

LOVE LOVE LOVE staying up late

and waking up early

No nebs to take away my morning hours

no puffers to open my airways

No oxygen to keep me going

No hours spent clearing my chest

of the relentless shit that drowns my lungs

No hours spent coughing the shit up

Only to have it quickly fill back up

Even if my tummy hurts

From days without having tummy meds

Even if i want to puke, puke, puke all over the place

I have Freedom
Just freedom

Freedom to get up and go

To flee

Hurry up

Live

Be late

Smile

Because I am alive

Off to my old rehab tomorrow to visit the peeps and see Carol and discuss participating in the Canadian Tx Games which are in August! Only have till May 15th to sign up so must must make up my mind! Mum says 'what about work?' I say, 'you only live once. what is 1 week off of work?'

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Woke up today and spent the day in my jammies on the couch with lots of tea on hand. I essentially was a sloth and did nothing.

Can't wait to crawl into bed and not have to change into jammies. I am disgusting.