The 3 Stages of Studying - plus one extra

I've entered into the Studying Phase, of which I've determined has 3 stages plus one extra. I have my final exam on Monday at 8:30am and since beginning studying i've found copious ways to dick around and waste time, many of which include countless facebook status updates about my lack of studying progress. They are as follows:

April 9, 2010, 12:07pm:
on the agenda for today: study, study, study, with lots of tea on hand! Keeping the kettle full to keep me going...

April 9, 2010, 6:01pm:
...and now we enter the final phase of the studying experience: feelings of doom.

April,9, 2010, 11:39pm:
for exams, on a scale of 1 to fucked we are 'fucked'...but not quite in the realm of 'doom' ...which is one notch closer to the realm of 'hope'. at least that's what i'm telling myself

April 10, 2010, 5:38pm:
has entered into the final stage of the studying process: the 'i just don't care anymore' stage, safely surpassing 'hope', 'fucked' and 'doom' all in one svelt swoop. At least i have Doritos for later on when i inform others that i am 'studying' which will make me feel a little bit better and i may just beleive that i have in fact, studied somewhat.

So let me elaborate on these stages shall i, for those who are unaware of what they consist of:

Stage 1--> HOPE:
The first lesson of studying is that there is no hope. We're all fucked and we're all doomed on some plane. But alas, we enter into the realm of studying telling ourselves that we'll accomplish alot, remember our shit, make great notes, and most importantly, that we won't dick around. We will have our snacks, stay off facebook, and tell our friends on MSN to fuck off all because we are 'studying'. This is why stage 1 is entitled 'hope'. It is a fallacy and a lie created by ourselves in order to make ourselves feel better, all the while knowing imminent peril will greet us at some point. Fuck you, 'hope'.

Stage 2--> FUCKED:
We enter into the 'fucked' stage within the first 3-6 hours of studying. Hope can only last for about 6 hours before major emotional upset begins to leak into our system. Soon to follow are feelings of sheer panic, utter failure, ruined futures, and probable death. Your brain tells you that you know nothing, that you will never remember a single thing, and that you should've begun studying ages ago but you listened to the little ego inside of your brain and beleived that waiting a few days would still make everything 'ok'. You had it all mapped out, and now you are fucked.

Stage 3--> DOOM:
Doom. Doom surpasses fucked and is the final stage of the studying process. 'Doom' proceeds 'fucked'. When you enter into the stage of doom your heart speeds up, you become restless and angry and you begin to lash out at all things big and small. You hate your parents, your friends, your pets and especially babies. The world is coming to an end, volcanos are exploding and you feel yourself descending into a black hole of nothingness. You will never remember a single thing and will fuck up on all possible avenues. Welcome to doom: you're beyond fucked.

Stage 4: THE EXTRA STAGE
With 'doom' being the climax of the studying stages, you begin the downward spiral into the extra stage which is the 'i just don't care anymore' stage. Basically, you've given up and you acknowledge the fact that you will probably be ok. You tell yourself that you'll remember what you can while secretly holding fears of failure. The wire around your heart that's slowly squeezing the mortal life out of you (thank you fear!) begins to loosen its grip and you start seeing colours instead of solid black and white. You are no longer tense and you allow yourself more time to dick around and waste your precious minutes. When you sink to the 'i just don't care anymore' stage, you are basically ok.

So there you have it. The 3 Stages of Studying - Plus One Extra. I feel that my obvservations are correct and that the majority of students will sympathize with the conclusions i have drawn.

So that is it for today. I must check facebook, where I remain faithfully logged on in hopes of something coming up to distract me....