This thought occured me to me the other night while i was somewhere in the realm between here and sleepy land. I was drifting away when this idea engulfed my brain and flourished itself through my hemospheric wiring (oooh...ahhh), and it was kind of as if a white light flashed itself into my brain and lit the whole place up.
It is this: there is an end to all of this, and be thankful.
I know I spend a lot of time bitching and moaning about how much i hate waiting, how i feel so shitty, how everyone around me is getting done and i'm still waiting. I bitch and moan about the ppl who talk to me and i write off their comments by telling myself that they just don't understand. And then i get miserable and descend into my dark cave and cover myself in a shroud of cobwebs and negativity.
But alas my people, i emerged my the rubble of my torn up thoughts and saw the light out of this shithole: there is an end, and i should be thankful.
Why? Well first of all, i'm thankful that i'm actually listed, and not still in the horrible process. I'm thankful that soon all of this will go away and I will be breathing through the generosity of someone else. I am thankful that lung transplant is even an option for me at all.
Most of all, I am thankful that I won't have to live the rest of my life on the cliff of obscurity, watching my life and my days go by...I won't have to watch everyone get on with their lives while i sit on the sidelines and try to live through them. Because soon enough, I will be one of them.
I feel sad for those who transplant is not an option. I feel terrible for those who feel as terrible as i do and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it. And while i'm irked that i have been waiting for 15 months, at least those 15 months are working for me instead of against me.
And what i'm thankful for most of all, is that this all occured to me when i wasn't making an effort to have coherent thoughts. That maybe all along, i've known this, and have never acknowledged it.
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2 comments:
This is a beautiful post, Bree...
You have a beautiful way of venting and bitching and moaning, so please don't stop that... Many of us can tell it hurts, but we also see strength in the wit and sarcasm and somewhere in there, some of us already sense that you're thankful about the things you've mentioned...
And I agree with you about other's whose options might be a little more bleak -- or a lot more... There always is, and always will be, someone traveling a road more difficult and hazardous than ours...
Hang in there, Bree... I hope what you need comes to you soon...
Love, Steve
I love your post. and rest assured I understand completely how you feel. You are right. One day soon all the bullshit and pain and breathlessness will be over and you will breathe again with ease. Your cobwebs will be shed and you will live the life you deserve. And will do your donor and donor family proud!
Love you!
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