This is how a heart breaks...

I just sat on facebook and read Grant's wall.

The realization that he is actually gone is finally starting to sink in...it is slowly crawling into my heart and peice by peice it is taking up residence. I don't know if it will be as overbearing as the loss of Karyn was, but it's pretty close. I am definitely experiencing a delayed reaction of sorts.

Grant was such a good friend to me. I have mentioned him numerous times before on this blog, and if ever i thought someone would pass way, it would not be him. I really never thought it would be. But here i am in the aftermath of a loss of a great friend...and i find myself pretty lonely and pretty confused.

Grant and i met two years ago. He lives in florida and i'm in Ontario. When i found out i needed a lung transplant, he was one of the first people to reach out to my in an online facebook group and talk to me privately. Eventually we exchanged AIM addy's and struck up an immediate friendship. It is strange how the bond of illness can form some of the strongest friendships i have, even if it's with people i can't meet. There is something about those who have been through serious health stuff my age who just get things that others don't. There is an automatic level of understanding that they have, and you don't really need to explain yourself to them as to why you're feeling the way you are some days: they just get it. Grant was definitely one of those ppl and I miss him dearly.

We spoke for hours on end. We'd go for weeks and sometimes months without talking, and then we'd catch eachother on fb chat or AIM and start talking and it was as if those weeks and months never ever passed. We shared our deepest darkests thoughts, fears, and desires with eachother. We expressed rage at the things the opposite sex would do, and we provided counceling for the other to help understand the motives behind it, lol.

Most of all, Grant was always there for me when I needed him. And i can honestly say I was there for him when he needed me. It didn't matter how busy the other was, we always made time to sit down and chat and catch up. And i can honestly say that i know he feels the same.

A month before he passed we had a deep conversation. I sent him a msg on facebook telling him how much he meant to me and how much I appreciated his friendship. Initially, I didn't get a response back, but finally one came, agreeing. In retrospect, I think he knew his time was coming up. And in retrospect, I think I did too.

The last thing we spoke about was his surgery...how it was pretty routine and then he went offline. It was the last time I ever spoke to him, and I think he knew. I am glad i sent him that msg telling him how great he was and how much he meant to me - he knew that he would leave this world having impacted a close friend, and honestly, you can't ask for more.

Sorry if i've said too much, but it helps to get it out. I definitely was remembering a conversation we had back in the summer. I asked that if we were stranded on a desert island without meds, who would die first: me or him? It was said out of morbid curiosity - we're 'sick' people, these things do cross our minds. He gave himself a week: i gave myself a month.

I am sad that he actually went first.

I am on the island alone now.

But i'm not going anywhere....others will come. I trust that they will. And maybe our little island of sick people will be watched over by my dearest friend, Grantula.

You are missed. Always, always always.

"I will try to connect all the peices you left/I will carry them on/And let you forget"