Holy Shit

Holy batman Christmas.

I am broken.

My body; my back; my voice; my muscles, my brain: all broken. Every cell, every inch, every creatin level - broken.

The cause of this breakage? My 18 month old 'neice' Jocelyn (she's my friends daughter). She is a doll and I love her to bits, but i am tired, lol.

Up and down the stairs she goes, and up and down again. Round in round in circles she runs, holding onto my arms and laughing. Me, spinning in circles, huffing and puffing, near vomitting. It was fun, but i am glad i could return her to her rightful owner at 9:30 tonight.

Jocelyn is at the age where she immitates people. You burp, she'll burp. You cough, she'll cough. You huff and puff, she'll huff and puff. I couldn't understand why, when i was putting her pink Crocs on, why she was huffing and puffing. Sometimes she'll blow and try to 'woof' like a dog, and it sounds like huffing, but when i looked at her when she did it, she laughed and did it again. Shit! I realized. She's immitating me!

For anyone who's respirologically challenged, you generally don't realize when and if you huff and puff. I am one of those people, b/c apparently, I tend to do it when i havent done anything to warrant it. I guess people think i'm always in labour or something. Anyways, this is just one thing that Jocelyn did tonight to make me feel weird, lol.

Secondly, when we were playing piano (Ok, I was playing, b/c i'm trained, she was banging and singing "la la la BOOK!" and threw in the odd "mow" (meow like a cat) and "woof!"). As she was playing and clapping, she grabbed the top of my shirt, pulled it down, and yelled, "BOOB!" It echoed times ten for all to hear.

It was eventful, it was tiring, and i will be a lot sorer tomorrow. But it is a feeling that I wouldn't trade anything in the world for. I love spending time with this little creature.

Thank you for spending the day with me, Silly!

Frogs, Asthma, and Suffocation

We have a new frog in our pond. Ever since that horrible bird swooped down and snatched all 4 fish from it, we once again have life in the our dwelling. My mum discovered him yesterday morning and alas, he is still here. I have named him Howard. I hope he sticks around and will return in the spring. My dad said that frogs (being anphibians) sink to the bottom and freeze themselves in the winter, and then thaw out when spring arrives. I sincerely hope that Howard chooses to freeze himself and our pond and spend his re-birth in the same place. Here's hoping.

Asthma. For those who don't know, asthma is rampant on my mother's side of the family. I have it, my nana has it, my uncle Bill has it, and my cousin has it. Seeing as 4 out of 10 people in one family have asthma, i think it's fair to refer to it as 'rampant'. Anywho, a long, long time ago, my uncle Bill asked me this: "Do you find that *puff* when you eat too much *gasps* you stop breathing?*puff*" He asked me this after we had just eaten supper. If memory serves me correct, my uncle Bill ate quite a lot. I blinked at him, and stared, and shook my head. "No," i said. "I don't think i've ever eaten to the point where i stop breathing..."

But here we have it people, today i think i concquered that feat. While i ate my supper, it filled me to the point that i simply had trouble breathing. I waddled through the house, gasping, bending over, squatting, sucking for any cold air to fill my weak little decrepit lungs in attempt to feel better. My dad told me to put my oxygen on. Funny, seeing as people think the solution to everything is putting oxygen on. That's simply not the case. Needless to say, if it's possible to suffocate from too much food intake, i think i came fairly close tonight.

Before i leave i must say that I think all of Saturday and Sundays full days of walking has caught up to me. I felt like jello today my body was just so tired, even though i slept 9 and a half hours. Every chance i sat down i could not do it elegantly; i thudded and plopped and sprawled out, like my body was full of heavy wet sand. I have had 3 cokes and a tea to wake me up but to no avail...

And then i had to go and eat myself practially to death.

When will i learn? *blink*

Everyone's fat

Of all the horrible things in life people fear, it's not war, it's not divorce, it's not dying, and it's not being left soley to your own devices: it's being fat.

If you take a picture on a cloudy day, and it looks like a storm will come, you don't worry if a tornado will spontaneously spawn from the sky: you hope to God you don't look fat.

When you go to a funeral or a wedding, or back to school, you don't worry about if you have enough money for things or how you will get there: you hope to God you don't look fat.

And when you go on a new medication to help with an infection, or allergies, or anything (like transplant!) you hope to god you won't get fat!

I honestly beleive that the number 1 reason people don't take certain medications is b/c one of the side effects may be weight gain. God forbid you die - you can handle that - as long as you don't get fat you'll risk it. Who cares if you grow chin hair and develop spider veins on your face. If it keeps you from developing a triple chin you'll take it.

I sit here wrestling over recent picture of myself, as well as what my future holds. I have gained about 10 lbs b/c i needed to, and upon viewing these pictures i feel like i look a little chubby. I know i'm not; clearly i had to gain weight, but i guess since i am so used to looking gaunt and drawn-out a little flesh makes me feel like a tub. I am also worried that post-tx i will balloon up from the prednisone, which is very superficial of me. I know however that it will taper off so i will stop thinking about it...

For now.

Point being, everyone is fat. You may not actually be fat, but odds are you're feeling a little pudgy and your face looks slightly swollen, maybe you've packed on a few or stayed in the sun for too long.

I wish weight gain and fatness weren't such a feared thing in society. I'm sure there are worst things....

I can has birthday time now, plz?

Yesturday was my birthday, which isn't to say that it's still not my birthday somewhere else. As a result, I am still obliged to party like it's August 23, 1985.

If you don't understand the title of today's entry, boo to you. It's from this new craze called LOLCats. I will post some pics so you can get the jist of the stupid things they do. They are stupid yes and pointless, but oddly hysterical. Like this:

Some of them are outrageously hysterical. Maybe only I and a select few understand them...oh well....

Yesterday consisted of way too much food. Seriously. I ate a lot but the birthday fun isn't over yet! Tonight we are going to Moxies which shall be great! Then I am off for a romp at Bobby O'Briens with friends! I have been out to the bar twice since school finished b/c i don't have the energy, but i will put some forth tonight and have fun.

Tomorrow I am going to SAUBLE with my parents and sister! We will lay lie seals on the beach and float about in the water, eating mass quantities of food and thus hindering our ability to stay afloat. If the weather gets shitting my sister mentioned something about canoeing - which scares me b/c i can't do that. Anything physical leaves me gasping for breath so i guess the oxygen will have to come with me. That's ok. I just get tired of little things leaving me breathless but i can't do anything about that but sit and puff.

Lastnight my nasal canula snapped on me. Just as i had layed down in bed, got comfy, and had it placed snuggly on my face, it popped and half of it flew on way and the other flew the other way. I fixed it but realized i better just get a new hose b/c with my luck i'll wake up in the middle of the night when it finally breaks for good and i'll spend a good chunk of time putting a new one together and then i wouldn't get back to sleep. I went to bed last night at 9pm and woke up twice - once at 10 something and then at 1, and then 5. So i guess that's 3 times. I woke up exchausted, like i coulda slept another 5 hours but today is my last day of work so that's good. I am so excited to go to bed late and sleep in! How bad is that, lol.

I am constantly tired all the time and i guess that's my lungs getting worse. The pain is always there when i exert myself but i can't do anything about that. I have my meeting with the transplant center in one month though so that is good! I am looking forward to it but am scared at the same time. I am scared to begin school and having to walk everyone. I hate going places now which is why i opt to not go out at night anymore. I hope tonight is good though!

I'm going to shut up now b/c i havent really spoken about anything important.

IT'S MAH BIRFDAY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

AND MANY MOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!

WOO HOO! It's officially my birthday and I am 22 years old! I have been 22 now for approximately 6 hours and 57 minutes. How amazing! I imagine that 22 years ago right now i was sleeping soundly. I hope it was great!

This morning I was awoken by a humungous thunderstorm. FINALLY! I prayed so hard that it would storm on my birthday and it did! It was loud and it gave me a headache and it was just beautiful. Lots of loud thunder and lightning. Just perfect. Also, I got a birthday card in the mailbox lastnight from my oxygen company! How thoughtful! Aaaaaand, they're making a special delivery to my house to give me 2 refilled O2 tanks. How miraculous. How lucky can one girl be? lol.

This morning on my glorious drive to work, 2 consecutive intersection lights were out. These are major intersections with 4 lanes each, so it was kind of scary. Luckily i just followed the other people so i wouldn't fuck up and hit someone. It was intense and you could tell everyone had forgotten all the rules from when they took driving lessons so we all just kind of sat in our cars like asses and waited for someone on our side to make the first move so we could follow. I ended up making eye contact with an elderly man in a min van and i pointed and mouthed, "I TRUST YOU!" and he lead me through the scary abyss that was the foggy, misty, broken-lighted intersection.

Also, today it's hot out! It's always cold on my birthday. Of all the days summer decides to take off during the season, it's always my birthday. I'm glad it decided to stick around for me.

Anyways, that's all for now. I will add more later.

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!

Last day being 21 - EVER

Can i have the attention of the classroom please? I have a very important announcement to make.

TOMORROW IS MY 22ND BIRTHDAY!!

Yup that's right. On August 23, 1985, at 3:23am, i plopped into this world, completely amazing. I am very excited - very very excited! I hope to God Friday works out (going to a pub with mass quantities of friends, hopefully). There is not much to do at work today - much like every day. I stuffed about 20 envelopes and it is my duty to go drive to people's houses and deliver them. I will have to wear steel toed shoes (got some from last year) and some fancy schamzny construction vest. Dunno how i will manage to walk around though, what with those heavy-as-hell steel toed boots, so i have brought my oxygen with me just incase. I hope i don't get lost.

For now though, handing those letters out has to wait as the woman who gave me this assignment has not given me the directions yet, and she is not here. That's ok, i don't mind waiting. I'll just sit on Facebook and PEOPLE.com as I always do. Not a problem.

I actually got sleep lastnight! But i'm still so tired! I cannot wait until i can actually sleep in for the next 3 weeks until school starts back up! YAY! I was very physically tired lastnight. My body just wanted to do nothing but sit on the couch like a heavy pile of goo and just melt away in the an abyss of sleep. but that didn't happen. It is supposed to warm up here again so i am looking forward to that. I am coughing a lot today as well and very phlegmy, and i have to drop letters off for work. Luckily i have managed to drag Jenny into this with me and i have my camera in my bag so we will get to take pics! I have to wear steel toed shoes and a construction vest! Should be fun!

Until then children....

Love/Hate Relationship

Oh sleep. Where have you gone, and why have you left me? Some nights i can sleep for 13 hours straight, yet other nights, i'll go to bed early only to wake up roughly 3 hours later, and remain awake for an additional 3. I fight hard to get back to sleep but to no avail. It's upsetting and frustrating, especially b/c I am so tired as it is, that this just adds to my frustration.

I didn't fall asleep until 11pm last night. I woke up at 12:30 am and couldn't fall back asleep until 3:30. I tried reading, i tried watching TV, and it just made it worse. I seriously wanted to sit in bed and cry. I began rolling around so much that I got out of breath for a very long time which only upset me more. I tried sleeping on the opposite end of my bed but to no avail. I ended up getting tangled up really bad in my oxygen tubing which just made me angrier.

Sleeping with lung disease is a love/hate relationship. You are tired all the time and can sleep for hours on end; but then there are also times where sleep just doesn't come. One thing about end-stage lung disease and low oxygen is that you get some pretty messed up dreams b/c of it. Last night i had a dream that i was with Grant and our siblings got picked up by a tidal wave on another planet ( i think it was Jupiter or something), where they found a skeleton of an early human and it had something to do with trying to cure lung disease, which is why our siblings left the planet in the first place. It was weird and repetative and it kept my up b/c it was scary.

I am constantly waking up b/c i am afriad my oxygen will fall off and I will stop breathing. I cannot sleep with my covers too close to my face b/c it makes me feel like I am suffocating. I can however, still sleep on my stomach so that is good. Not always, but sometimes. If i do sleep when my oxygen falls off i have a very difficult time breathing. It's both scary and fascinating as to how something like this can happen.

I have another appt with my respirologist Sept 10th and I am looking forward to it. I will have to schedule a chest x-ray for the transplant place and once i get it i will post a picture of it hopefully! I am excited to get the ball on tx rolling even more, as some days i feel like it can't come soon enough, yet others i feel pretty good. It's weird; it really is.

The next step is breaking the news to my mum's side of the family about me needing a transplant. I am afraid all i will get is pity which is NOT what i want. Oh well....what can you do?

Just Another Manic Monday

...Well, not really. More like, "Just Another Incredibly Boring I'm-Sitting-Here-At-Work-Doing-Nothing" Monday. But that's ok, if i had to choose between doing nothing over being busy, i'd choose doing nothing. But that's just me, having bad lungs has made me an incredibly lazy person, and for that, i cannot appologize. Once I am better, I will have no exuse to be lazy, so I may as well make the most of it now.

This weekend was rather dull, followed by some blah and a litte 'meh'. Saturday was Tara's going away party so i guess we celebrated her departure? Krystal and I pooled together our money and got her a comfy blanket that we HOPE (are you reading this Tara, DID YOU TAKE IT!? I WANT PHOTGRAPHIC EVIDENCE!) she hauled across the Atlantic with her. Krystal and I told her that we sat our bare asses on it so that it smells just like us. Someone informed us that actualy doing this can cause the spread of pink eye, much to my shock.

Saturday I went shopping with my mum for some BIRTHDAY stuff. I won't tell you what was picked out until my birthday so at least some of us will remained shocked. I walked half the length of the mall and wasn't overly tired surprisingly. If i walk at a snails pace it is much better. But i do get out of breath walking even short distances so that's really unpleasant. After Tara's party i sat in my car as pain seared and ripped through my upper lungs from lack of O2 and just generally being in tip-crap condition. I'm really thinking i will have to bring my O2 with me everyone pretty soon. WHY DOES IT BOTHER ME SO MUCH I DO NOT KNOW! I wish i had answers, but i don't. You can't look cool and wear oxygen. The two dont' go together. You can't start wearing O2 in public and not feel self-conscious. It just doesnt work.

OXYGEN WILL NEVER BE FASHIONABLE.

I don't know why i have such a frigging problem with it. I would love to get over it, since you'd think i'd have more of a problem with getting a lung transplant; what with having my chest cut open and my lungs ripped out and replaced. But nooooooooooo i have an issue with the short-term O2 dealio. Oh well. My RT Cynthia is really pushing the Bree-Wearing-Oxygen-To-The-Mall issue. NO. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Maybe in the winter when it can be consealed. Until now...it will have to wait! It's horrible enough i'll have to trugge through campus with it.

Anywho, hopefully things will work out and I'll stop giving such a shit. I know how terrible I feel when i don't wear it. I feel tired, my chest hurts walking, and my legs feel like rubber. Blech. I JUST WANT TO FEEL NORMAL AT SOME POINT!

Normal. What is normal? Somewhere along the line, normal must have missed me...

Oxygen

No facny schmancy title here, just some thoughts that have been accumulating in le brain. Everyday the fact that i have trouble walking from A to B gets more profound, more difficult, and gives me all the more reason to stay put. Every time i get out of breath it feels worse, lasts longer, and feels more intense. Everyday, I get add one more thing to the list of things that leave me breathless or feeling faint.

I am really beginning to dread walking up the stairs. I am to the point where i stop halfway up to catch my breath. Even running down the stairs now makes me tired. I don't sit on the couch; i throw myself down and am happy to not be moving. Walking and talking isn't a welcomed package b/c I can't do both at the same time. Picking up speed as i walk is a no go b/c even the slightest fast movement makes me feel like my legs are going go out from under me. It sucks and I hate it.

I am just really scared for how I will manage to navigate campus in the fall that's all. Ugh, i hate this!

I, Robot

The humidity has come back and as a result i sound like a robot b/c of my wheezing. It's this high pitched, swirly sounding noise emitted whenever i inhale. I noticed it in the bathroom when it was amplified times 10 b/c of the echo. To add to this, I am tired and running on about 6-7 hours of sleep. I woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep till about 5:30. I was very tired when i finally awoke at 6:30 and i don't remember the drive here to work. Thankfully, thanx to my addiction and faith in Coca Cola, i am fully awake for the time being and functioning at my usual poor level.

In other news, the world is ending. While hurricanes, earthquakes and 1-foot high tsunamis rage in Hawaii, Peru is rattled and rocked by a seismic 7.9 giant earthquake, 2 new hurricanes formed in the Atlantic, and a 3rd formed in the Gulf. Much of Canada and the United States are boiling in record setting heat, and it all seems to be coming to a head all at once. Exciting? Kind of. Scary? Yes.

I have yet to be in anything major. I've experienced tiny earthquakes, small tornados, and the leftovers of hurricanes (just rain, rain, rain.) The biggest 'disaster' we get here are snowstorms but i am thankful we have never suffered major devestation. We get major droughts though in the summer time, like this year, but still....I can only hope that the people who are going through this are ok!

In other news, Tara is departing for Po Po on Sunday. She is leaving behind me, Krystal and Katey until she returns in December. We will miss her dearly as she takes her studies abroad to Poland. This woman has been everywhere. Then when she gets back, Krystal abandons us for Iceland. Katey and I will be one friend short for a whole school year. It will be weird!

Anyways, i'm not saying anything of much importance. My 22nd birthday is in a week (yay!) and then Jenny and I are finished work here on the 24th. WOO HOO! I cannot wait to sleep in and enjoy the last of my summer!

Just Another Day

Just another day here. Sorry i don't have another outrageous or bizarre title, but today i do not.

Firstly, i should leave a note for DAYNA, who so kindly heeds my orders when i encourage you ppl to COMMENT or sign the guest book (you see the guestbook? it's swearing at you - sign it please damnitt! *smile*) I updated my contacts if you would like to msg me. My AOL/AIM screen name is Bree0885.

Not much is happening in the Land of Bree today. I got a good sleep but it wasn't long, and as well I made a new friend thanx to a board/AOL. Another chickey like myself who just got listed for a lung tx last week! I msged her and i completely forgot when she told me i did, so needless to say I felt like an asshole when i forgot. It must by my oxygen deprived brain...So yes, i informed her that I too will hopefully be listed once the transplant evaluation is done. I am feeling rather shoddy as of late. No real relief from any meds. I'm not phlegmy anymore (at least not overly so the way i was back in May and June), but i'm just tight and restricted feeling and I know that's my crap lungs and the scar tissue.

I met with my RT on Monday and she told me my chest sounded clearer. I told her not to make me laugh when she lies but she said she wasn't. She said there were still squeaks and wheezes and whistles in there but not the way it sounded before - mucky and wet. I asked her if it was possible for your chest to sound clear but to still need a lung tx and she said, "Yes. What you have is completely irreversable." I felt special.

So yeah....a little over a month until I go for my first consult! I am excited and scared. I hope they say i should be evaluated and then get listed. I can't wait to feel well but for now i just have to roll with the crap!

Happy Blackout Anniversary

4 precious years ago exactly today (in 17 minutes!) the Eastern Seaboard in North America was plunged into darkness for 3 days. For myself, we were without power for 20 hours more or less. I had spent that latter half of the day lounging in the sun like a pig, catching some rays and scortching. My mum and sister suddenly noticed the fountain stopped running at 4:15. I payed no attention. Soon i got too hot and decided to go inside to the air. It wasn't until i got into the kitchen that i noticed the ceiling fan wasn't working. Hmm...funny I thought. Must be a blackout. Yeah, some blackout - all 20 hours of it! I sweltered that night, i slept outside it was so hot. We had candles everywhere. Funny thing was, you knew where your neighbours were in their houses when a candle would float by the window. I remember washing my face by candle light, until a stupid moth flew into the light and extinguished it. I spent the night with my family outside listening to a portable radio.One man was generous enough to call in and make the announcement that the power was out, but wondered whether or not the movie theatre would still be open...


It was weird when the power finally went back on the next day,watching all the footage on the TV. For once i had been part of something newsworthy and history making! Horray! I had a lot of fun and I won't lie when i say it would be pretty cool if it happened again - as long as it's in the summer.

Well, school is soon approaching (sadly) and that means that i have to go get my stuff for 3rd year. I'm not worried about that and i'm not worrying how i will do academically; i am worried about how i will fare navigating campus. I was beginning to have a lot of trouble at the end of 2nd year, and i'm about 10x worse than I was back in April when we finished. I know for a fact that I will have to bring oxygen with me and most likely bring it.


Does that thrill me? No. Will it emoitonally and materialistically make me feel better? No. Will it be completely embarassing? Yes. I don't know how i will make out, especially when it snows, b/c walking in snow takes a lot of our you b/c you have to tread your way through it, and you also have to layer yourself which adds weight. The bus stop is at the end of my street, and the mailbox is beside it. I drive to the mailbox b/c it's too time consuming and hard to walk there. What ever will i do?

Will i have to resort to getting a handicapped sticker so i can drive? God i hope not. I never thought i would get this bad but...it's summer time and i always feel my best in summer. Who knows what winter will bring...who knows....i am very scared to say the least....

Happy Blackout Day!

Is there anyone out there...

'Coz it's getting harder and harder to breathe...

Yesterday was semi-frightening when a huge plume of humidity floated across the city and rendered every respiralogically challenged person helpless. I myself, fell, literally, victim to this cloud. It rained on and off, and still the humidity hung around. It got light, it got dark, it got light again and then dark, and the more that cycle happened, the more humid it got. It wasn't until i left Jess's house and walked from her front door to my car that i realized just how effected i was by it. I sat in the driver's seat, panting and huffing and puffing, pain searing through my upper lungs, as a woman sat on her driveway staring at me. If i wasn't going into temporary respiratory failure I would have gotten up and strangled her for being rude. I drove off and still she stared. Too bad my arm was tingly b/c i wasn't above lifting it to extend my middle finger in her direction.

I am back at work today with nothing to do. I just got back from sitting in the mailroom with Jenny, replaying the events from the funeral. After informing her that i have no work to do we sat in silence and stared. She asked me if i was bored enough to want to see her blisters on her foot and i said yes. She sat on the table and whipped off her shoe and lifted her foot into the air, pointing to the fat, liquid filled blister located on the ball of her foot. It then encouraged me to lift my pant leg up to my crotch and point out the bruise i acquired scratching my thigh earlier today. It reminded me of yesterday when Jess announced to me and her boyfriend that she smelled, and that it was her deodorant that was the culprit. For once i'm not the only one whose deodorant can make them a smelly individual sometimes. You know it's bad when you repulse yourself. I wonder, if it's bad enough to make me physically wretch, have other people noticed it?

So here I sit, isolated as usual in my tiny homey cubicle, with the lights off. Why they're off I don't know, and I don't honestly know where the switch for it is b/c i went looking once and only managed to flick the lights off in the hallway behind me. I can sit here in darkness, that's not a problem.

There are only 9 more days according to Jenny until we are done here on August 24th, the day after my 22nd birthday. The picture at the top is of Jenny and myself last week at work, when we took a 40 minute break taking pictures instead of watching the clock taking the expected 15 minute one. The picture beside this is of my office, where almost all of my entries are written. Enjoy!

Before I go I must make the sad announcement of the disappearance of the fish in our pond. My dad built a pond in our back yard and we have/had 4 fish in it. We had the first 2 up until they disappeared on Tues from the middle of June. The other 2 were purchased weeks later, until the first one died, and then i found the other one dead on Saturday stuck behind a rock. My mum has come up with the theory that birds must have spotted them and swooped down and snatched them from our pond. Originally she hypothesized that they either jumped to freedom or that the rain we've had raised the water so much so that they floated out of the pond and into the flower bed, where i'm assuming they would have dried up and died if you want to add my morbid spin to it. Wherever you are, fish, I am sad that you're gone, b/c I greatly enjoyed watching you swim around.

I gots the letter

Yes yes, the much anticipated letter from the transplant center has arrived.

I am excited and scared to say the least, especially since the only facts i remember from the thousand page document letter (it's not that long but it's about 7 pages which is close enough) is that transplants are recommended to those with severe enough end-stage lung disease that if they don't consider tx, they will die within 2 years. The other scary fact I remember is that only 50% of lung tx recipients are still alive after 5 years. I know a lot depends on that though, and i sincerely beleive i will get a good 30-40 years of out my new lungs (whenever that happens to be). I know Grant told me that the only people who die are the ones who aren't complient with their meds, diet, and all of that. Personally, and this is my horrible self coming out, i don't feel bad for the ones that fuck around and screw themsevles over. They know damn well that life is precious and that at any moment it can be snatched away from them, yet they continue to fuck around and ignore the fact that while they may be healthy, they are still very delicate.

I for one, when i am better, will dedicate myself to my lungs. Keeping them healthy and exercising and running around and being active will be my religion (next to eating food and drinking coke). I will be the most in-shape chick around, and I will round house kick people's asses better than Chuck Norris ever could. Molly Weasley will be given a run for her galleons when i scream, "NOT MY LUNGS YOU BITCH!" to anyone to attempts to cough, sneeze, or generally breathe on me. I will be a pillar of health - for once!

Thinking of all the things i WILL be able to do really excites me! Running up stairs, running in general, walking down the street, doing the laundry, SHOWERING - all of that without getting SOB is exciting. Hell, being able to SLEEP w/o oxygen is unfathomable. Since i began O2 in June i have not slept a night w/o it; i'm honestly afraid to. I'm afraid i'll stop breathing or something, lol.

So yes, my appt is scheduled for Sept 25th and i'm bringing along my mum and dad, and probably my sister, lol. I'm so happy they were all interested in the letter when it came and not acting weird like if they ignored it, the fact that my lungs are crap would disappear. For this appt, I will be getting my PFTs done, and then something called an ADL...dunno what that is. I hope it's not painful. Also, i have to bring a recent film or CD of my chest x-rays. I won't be surprised if the doc echos my chest doc from Sick Kids when he takes a look at them and announces that they're "completely disgusting". I'm used to that. Thanx...*scowl*

So anyways, that's it for now! Have a great day and if you're in Southern Ontario enjoy the muggy weather. YAY!

It came!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT CAMEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I GOT MY LETTER FROM THE TRANSPLANT CENTER!!!!!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED AND SCARED ALL AT ONCE!!!!!

WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT AHHHHHHHH SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 funerals, a wedding, and another funeral

..and 2 family reunions that i vaguely remember.

Unfortunately this past weekend, my beloved Uncle Gary at the age of 61, died up at Sauble Beach. So far we don't know what his cause of death was, other than that his eyes glazed over and he fell to the floor and that was it. Uncle Gary was a great guy - the most hysterical man ever who could always make you laugh no matter what. Of all the people you thought would always be here, he was one of them. It hasn't really hit me yet that he's gone, but i'm sure when i go to the visitation on Thursday I will be crying my eyes out when i see everyone.

So needless to say things have been very solemn around the house (if i even spelled the right let alone use the right word). I bumped up my 2 appts Thurs to 7:30am and 9am, so we can leave for the funeral home at 12pm. My sister got the genius idea to stay in a hotel, completely ignoring the fact that I can't just get up and go sleep in a hotel without hauling my O2 and meds and nebulizer compressor with me. I have baggage and she always forgets that!

Anywho, that's it for now. Have a great day!

So tired of being tired...

My god this shit is getting old.

The last 2 days i have been really tired. I tried napping which never worked. Today i helped clean the house a bit - I vaccumed my room and got tired and out of breath. I did the laundry and got tired. I took it outside to hang up on the line and that made me tired. I hung it on the line and that made me tired and sore. Carrying the basket with the wet clothes was the worse, b/c i had to stop twice to catch my breath. I am sick, sick, sick of this shit already!!!

I'm becoming afraid of the steps b/c i get so tired taking them. I went to visit my friend Jess and her daughter Jocelyn(my neice!) today, and when we walked up the stairs at her place I got tired. I picked up Jocelyn and got out of breathe and chest pain from it. I heard you can get muscle pain when your body demands more oxygen then you can supply, which accounts for the pain. My pain is in my upper chest on each side where the top of my lungs are. It makes perfect sense; i get it when i just finish walking somewhere too. It's becoming more of a burden and something i am afraid of, b/c not only do i get tired, i get out of breath and get pains all at the same time. I was dizzy a lot again today too b/c it was so hot. Ugh.

What else? Somehow, of all the bizarre things to happen, i managed to block my MSN and hotmail access. You know how on your computer you have the option of restricting and blocking access to certain sites? I beleive that's what i accidentally did. It's got something to do with a firewall, i'm not entirely sure though. All i know is that i'm incredibly upset and going through MSN withdrawl. As well since this happened, every website i check out isn't updated. I get onto the site and have to instantly refresh it. It's annoying! If anyone knows what i did, please post in the guestbook and let me know and how i can fix it ! THANX!!

Hugs to everyone. Lets all go to sleep. WOO HOO!

*dives into bed*

A Long, Hot Weekend!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! TGIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's another hotter than hell day here in beautiful southern Ontario, and it's also the long weekend. WOO HOO! No work Monday, or Thursday, b/c on Thursday i have a date with the doctors. Go me.

I really hope that the Tempo prevails and that it makes it up to Sauble! It will be so fun b/c Tara will already have her ass up there and we can meet and frolic and do lots of dumb fun things. I really hope the weather is spectacular this weekend, b/c every holiday and long weekened we've had this summer has been cold. It's suppose to be gorgeous so i'm trusting it will stay that way! Again, not many people are here at work today but that's ok, it's very laid back and there's an overall feeling that no body gives a shit. I like that feeling quite honestly.


So there isn't much to do here at work. I brought my camera and so far have taken many pictures of the office and Jenny and myself. We took turns swinging from the tower in the backyard so i will be sure to post those shenanigans for you later on. I made a point to make my picture look somewhat slutty but it's not really how it turned out. Jenny proceeded to fall from the tower as she swung, and i fell in a hole trying to take the picture. For now though, i must go.

BYE BYE!

Feelin' Hot, Hot, Hot

Look closely, and you might just see the CN Tower!

Yes yes, it's that hot here. It's supposed to be 34*C today with a humidex of 43*C. As you can imagine, there's more smog than air outside in this kind of weather, and it's incredibly diffucult to breathe. I love this kind of weather but unfortuantely i can't do much else other than sit in the shade this year! I noticed that i even have a hard time walking in doors, as i'm getting slower and slower when i walk. Oh well. I won't lie, i havent done my nebulizer in 2 days b/c lately i've found that it doesn't do much for me. Now that i'm on Zithro, i don't cough as much and therefore i cough nothing out. It's all in my upper lungs and is sticky and suffocating when and if i do cough. I didn't bring my O2 to work and i really should have. Maybe one day i'll learn my lesson.

Still no word from the transplant centre either, *sigh*. It will come when it's meant to come. My biggest fear (next to being swallowed by a whale or being forced to walk up a hill) is that I will go for evaluation and they won't accept me. Is that stupid? Another fear (tho not as big) is that they'll tell me i'm not yet sick enough and come back in 3 months to be re-evaluated. Does anyone in this situation want to get sicker? No. Is it even possible? Yes. Do i think i'm getting worse? Yes. Just the other night when i was lying in bed i noticed that I can't exhale fully. That's a problem associated with Bronchiectasis: you can inhale more than you can exhale, and that's when you get air trapping which causes you to be barrel chested (which my sister so kindly pointed out to me on the stairs last night when i was standing purposly sticking my gut out coz i just didn't give a shit). Air trapping is just as it sounds: air that gets stuck at the bottom of your lungs b/c you can't expell it. It builds and builds and eventually pushes down on your diagraphm and makes it stick out. I don't have it horribly though - since beginning Spiriva it has gone down tremendously.

I noticed i couldn't exhale a lot b/c i was wondering if somehow, during my last PFTs, if i cheated or fucked up, bc i wasn't trying. I mean don't get me wrong, i tried, but it's hard to give it your all when you've got nothing to give. So i sat in bed and did my own PFTs (yeah i was lying so it doesn't count) and low and behold it sucked. I just tried blowing out as hard as i could and not much came out. I remember one night i tried blowing a candle out. It took 7 blows and i was exhausted.

Yesterday i made another excersion to Sobey's. I sped into the parking lot and illegally drove through vacant spots and parked in the closest one to the door. I found something to eat and as i was waiting in line there was a little girl (who i am tempted to refer to as a 'dumb little bitch' instead) kept staring at me. I couldn't figure out why, as i was too engrossed listening to SexyBack on my iPod. Then i realized it was me and my huffing and puffing. My chest was heaving and all crackly and stuffy sounding, and i was unconsciously trying to hide it but failing. She kept staring at me, snaggle toothed and all, bug eyes, and glaring at her mum, and she would glance back at me. I started coughing (not on purpose) and her eyes bounded open even more. She kept staring and staring and making me feel really bad. I wanted to tell her off but didn't want to waste my energy. If only she knew. Dumb little bitch...

Currently it's 31 and feeling like 38. I hope i can make it to Timmies and back in 15 minutes!

If life were a beach...

Today i want nothing more than to be on a beach somewhere, ass-planted either on the sand or in the water. I don't want to be cooped up inside an office at a desk, entering postal codes all day long. While my job isn't horrible, it's much better suited for winter-time, when you don't want to even look out the window let alone be outside. Next summer, i think i will apply at a beach somewhere...

Right now i want nothing more than to be drunk out of my mind in the water at Sauble, where the waves are high and they crash into you with such force that you get knocked over. I'd float around like a cow on a dingy and let the undercurrent pull me out to sea (although i'm truely scared of that happening b/c it happened to a relative of mine in the 1920's). I'd wade out as far as i could go b/c Sauble has endless sandbars and just sit there for hours on end and forget about everything. I'd get endless tans (ok, i don't tan we all know that. I'd become be-freckled) and just bask in the sunshine and happiness that is Sauble Beach. I'd make frequent trips to the Fry stand (the best fries since 1945 people!), and i'd run away from the seaguls who invade it. Sometimes when these seaguls tame themselves after their excitement, you can feed them these fries, but then they don't leave you alone so i guess it's not a good idea. I remember when we were kids we'd go and feed them bread. Once, my sister's friend's dad had to give a seagul the hymlick b/c it swallowed a peice that was too big. What a hero.

What else would i do at Sauble? I'd go into every single shop and buy pointless things (last summer i bought my Sauble Beach sweatpants! YAY!). Too bad they got rid of the t-shirt making place b/c that was a lot of fun as a kid. I'd buy crappy jewelery and visit my old cottage, and go to DQ beside Home Hardware. I'd walk around the sand covered streets barefoot like everyone else, and wouldn't think twice about it being 'sanitary' b/c everyone else is having too good a time to care. I'd visit the psychic and also go to places i havent been to before...

Oh Sauble....i love you.

*coughLETSGOTOSAUBLETHISWEEKENDPEOPLEcough*