Feelin' Hot, Hot, Hot

Look closely, and you might just see the CN Tower!

Yes yes, it's that hot here. It's supposed to be 34*C today with a humidex of 43*C. As you can imagine, there's more smog than air outside in this kind of weather, and it's incredibly diffucult to breathe. I love this kind of weather but unfortuantely i can't do much else other than sit in the shade this year! I noticed that i even have a hard time walking in doors, as i'm getting slower and slower when i walk. Oh well. I won't lie, i havent done my nebulizer in 2 days b/c lately i've found that it doesn't do much for me. Now that i'm on Zithro, i don't cough as much and therefore i cough nothing out. It's all in my upper lungs and is sticky and suffocating when and if i do cough. I didn't bring my O2 to work and i really should have. Maybe one day i'll learn my lesson.

Still no word from the transplant centre either, *sigh*. It will come when it's meant to come. My biggest fear (next to being swallowed by a whale or being forced to walk up a hill) is that I will go for evaluation and they won't accept me. Is that stupid? Another fear (tho not as big) is that they'll tell me i'm not yet sick enough and come back in 3 months to be re-evaluated. Does anyone in this situation want to get sicker? No. Is it even possible? Yes. Do i think i'm getting worse? Yes. Just the other night when i was lying in bed i noticed that I can't exhale fully. That's a problem associated with Bronchiectasis: you can inhale more than you can exhale, and that's when you get air trapping which causes you to be barrel chested (which my sister so kindly pointed out to me on the stairs last night when i was standing purposly sticking my gut out coz i just didn't give a shit). Air trapping is just as it sounds: air that gets stuck at the bottom of your lungs b/c you can't expell it. It builds and builds and eventually pushes down on your diagraphm and makes it stick out. I don't have it horribly though - since beginning Spiriva it has gone down tremendously.

I noticed i couldn't exhale a lot b/c i was wondering if somehow, during my last PFTs, if i cheated or fucked up, bc i wasn't trying. I mean don't get me wrong, i tried, but it's hard to give it your all when you've got nothing to give. So i sat in bed and did my own PFTs (yeah i was lying so it doesn't count) and low and behold it sucked. I just tried blowing out as hard as i could and not much came out. I remember one night i tried blowing a candle out. It took 7 blows and i was exhausted.

Yesterday i made another excersion to Sobey's. I sped into the parking lot and illegally drove through vacant spots and parked in the closest one to the door. I found something to eat and as i was waiting in line there was a little girl (who i am tempted to refer to as a 'dumb little bitch' instead) kept staring at me. I couldn't figure out why, as i was too engrossed listening to SexyBack on my iPod. Then i realized it was me and my huffing and puffing. My chest was heaving and all crackly and stuffy sounding, and i was unconsciously trying to hide it but failing. She kept staring at me, snaggle toothed and all, bug eyes, and glaring at her mum, and she would glance back at me. I started coughing (not on purpose) and her eyes bounded open even more. She kept staring and staring and making me feel really bad. I wanted to tell her off but didn't want to waste my energy. If only she knew. Dumb little bitch...

Currently it's 31 and feeling like 38. I hope i can make it to Timmies and back in 15 minutes!