Mozel Tov

I feel like i'm dying.

No, not in the physical sense. The body is alive and well, but mentally, i feel like i'm dying.

This is normal, of course. I go for my monthly IV next Friday and i always begin feeling like this exactly a week before I need to get it. Having a blood disease sucks. When I need to get it, I just feel lethargic, mentally numb, blah...and yeah, I pretty much just want to lounge on the couch and not be bothered. I just feel unmotivated, low on gas, can`t be bothered.

Like i`m dying.

Anywho...

I made 4 loaves of bread the other day. Multigrain Mama bread to be exact, sent from the Wilderness, delivered to my door, directly into my tummy. It was fabulous, and my next recipe to tackle will be Newfie-land Partridge Berry Bread. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Today, I`m having a huge prednisone fail. I just can`t seem to stop eating. Cheerios, orange, watermelon, 5 oreos, Nature Valley bar, crackers, then spaghetti. All i want is an extra large tea which i shall promptly go get. And maybe a donut since i`m a humungus pig.

What else?

I think that's it, but i'm sure I'll think of something the minute i log out.

Where Are You?

I laid on the floor tonight

And thought about you

Listening to the same song over and over again

And I wondered where you were

My donor

Are you there?

I think of you often

And it brings me to tears

I don't know how you died

I don't know anything about you

At all

All i know is that a peice of you resides in me

Perfect neighbours to my heart

They fit in well

But what about you?

Are you in the ground somewhere?

In ashes do you lie?

Something beautiful once had died

And the tears burn my eyes

Starkey Hill

Yesterday was my 10 months post tx! To celebrate, I walked a 4k trail with Krystal again. We brought our dogs and had an absolute blast!

The view from the summit

The girls - not acting like assholes for once.

This was our second trip on this magnificant trail, and unlike the first go 'round (note final picture, it started to torrential downpour on us. Dogs, humans, 5 bitches completely soaked), this time i took a humungus spill. We're not talking just a small fall, oh no, we're talking an all-out plummet from a standing position to flying over a rock that appeared out of nowhere, to landing in full-on victims pose, apple bits scattered all over the trail, sunglasses askew, shock-and-awe all around kinda fall.

As you can see, I gashed my palm open. When i told my parents the tale of my fall, my dad could only counteract with a "make sure you don't land on your back or chest and hurt your lungs" *eye roll*. Well, it's almost 24 hours later and I'm still wholly in tact, thank you very much. I felt wonderful after doing the largely inclined trail. To just be able to breathe and do it and not get out of breath is wonderful. Yes, I do get out of breath like a normal healthy person does when they walk up steep inclines, but there is a difference from pre and post tx out-of-breathness. Pre-tx, I got out of breath doing everything, and there was a sense of panic and ugency with it. Your lungs can't expand fully and they more or less constrict and you can't inhale to your full ability which makes it worse. Post tx, you can regulate it. Take deep breaths in and calm yourself down. You don't need to stop walking or sit down because you feel like you will die all over the place and kill people out of rage. You're fine, and it's ok.

I've been in a very good mood lately. Not worrying about things, not worrying about a job (obviously i'm looking, but i'm not bummed out), just overall happy which is grand. Last week I made an awesome lasagna, and Sunday I watched Discovery channel all day because that special called "Life" was on. I made beer chili, and while it was completely awesome, it was also completely spicey and i don't think i exaggerate when I claim that it set everyone's asshole's on fire the very next day. Ermmmm i don't know if there is anything else for me to write about? I know a good entry was in order since i've been writing poem crap lately and i know that doesn't offer any real insight as to what yours truely has been up to.

Can't wait for the next trail walk with Krystal! Here's hoping neither of us fall (Krys fell twice during the downpour, I fell like a champ yesterday, and we got rained on the first try, dogs included)

Actually! I must mention this: you know how i always talk about getting signs from Karyn, and Megs, or just signs in general? Well i never thought that I could be a sign for someone else. Yesterday, after my massive spill, we were back on the trail when a woman appeared on the trail headed our way. She saw my dogs and her face lit up. She came up to us and was saying how beautiful they were (to which i proclaimed "when theyre not acting like idiots"), and asked if they were related. I said yes, they're mother and daughter, and she automatically knew which one was the mother (Maddy). She was just so elated to see them and her face lit up as she patted them. Then she looked at me and said, "I used to have 3....havent yet gotten a new one since we put our last one down..." and it was almost as if seeing the girls was a sign for her letting her know that it was ok, that she could move on and get another one or something. Just seeing the girls and patting them made her so happy, it was nice to see. I'm glad that when they're not being spastic that they can offer hope and comfort to other people other than us.

Ok that is all. Here's a pic from our first excursion when we got caught in a torrential downpour. We're soaked!

A Letter to my Scars

I looked in the mirror tonight
And saw you were almost gone
Distant
Faded
Memories of a not so distant past
Yet the gap that bridged and made my future

Inspection
Healed skin so soft to the touch
Yet a touch I cannot feel
Disconnected and healed nerves
Of a scar that snakes around me
Keeping me whole
Keeping me closed
Healed
Healthy
Breathing

Chest tube scars
2 on the left
3 on the right
Memories of tortorous pain
Just memories now
Of an experience that shaped and made me
Do not escape me
Do not disappear
Stay as dark and scary as you need to
But do not leave me
As you remind me every second
Every minute
Of what I have been through

I carry you day in and day out
With pride
beneath my clothes
My little secret
My pride
I have the privalege of seeing other people's curiosity at will
Hidden
Yet so loved

My scar
I love you

Thoughts

I feel lost
Unsure of where to go
Need to crawl out of this hole that i've found myself in
Nothing satisfies me
Need to do something
Need to find a passion
Compassion?
Inspiration
Have no passion or motivation
And i hate feeling this way
I feel lost
Stopped
Stuck
Unsure of where to go

I feel like I live in a circle. I find myself in this mood/frame of mind often since my transplant - well, ever since I have nothing to do. I need to create something, but i can't find the motivation. I know a lot of why i feel this way is med induced, which sucks. I want to know if anyone else feels this way post -tx or if it's just me who's fucked in the head about where to go in life.

Maybe for the time being this is where i'm supposed to be? but that doesn't make it any easier, less frustrating. I do the same thing day in and day out: wake up, get ready for the day, check emails, visit Finn, come home, clean....It's boring.

I've thought of writing a book, been encouraged by countless ppl to publish my blog, and I really want to, but I don't know how to go about it. Can I even do it? Am I brave enough?

I hate thinking. It must be stopped.

I ran over a squirrel today. I was on my way to Timmie's when it ran infront of the car and went 'thump, crunch'. I felt so horrible that i stopped in the middle of the road and got out and sat next to the poor creature to make sure it wasn't suffering, b/c if it was, i was gonna pick it up and take it to a vet. Seriously. i felt horrible.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind having all this free time on my hands, I wish i had something to be motivated/passionate about. And I do, i just don't know how to execute it other than through blogging. I hate feeling this way.

This probably makes no sense. And i'm sorry.

Signing out with no pants on,

Moi

May 2-4

Finnegan Vernon Perry

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S THE LONG WEEKEND!

AND THIS YEAR I AM GOING AWAY!!!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE BEFORE I GOT LISTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*squeeeeeeeeeee!*

I am going up to Jess's trailer up in Port Elgin - I havent been since 2006. So stoked! There are a ton of people going which just makes it more special.

Typical me, I just packed now at midnight, had my shower at 11pm (after a FANTASTIC season finale of Greys! Who didn't wanna pull their pants down it was so intense?!). And i packed all my meds. Probably stuffed too many clothes into my ugly duffle bag, and also a bright flowery blanket. Weeeeeeeeeee! So excited! Mum's dropping me off at Jess's at 9:30am and I hope we stop at Timmie's as an XL English Breakfast tea is in order for the journey up to cottage country. Woo hoo!

It was gorgeous out today - about 27*C. My sis and her bf bought a chocolate lab on Friday whom they named Finnegan (pictured above), and I have been appointed as babysitter in the afternoon. I go over to their place at 11:30 and let little Finn out and feed him lunch, pee him, and play with him until the little creature tires out. He's adorable - but he bites, and he bit my crotch the other day. Not cool. He also likes to try to eat stones and enjoys barking at the rake in their backyard. So this is what I will be doing every day until i can find a job. I don't mind doing this in the least! It's so fun! I love my little chocolate nephew!

As a result of the warm weather, I have my window wide open and am sleeping with my blind up and curtains open. I love nothing more than sleeping with my window wide open in the summer time, letting the warm summer air in, and I love being able to wake up as the sun does too.

Life is fab. (and my spiro - which i just did - was 1.98L tonight, which is 98% total lung function for me)

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Sign...

...from Megs.

I got one today, and realized I've been getting them for the last dew days.

On Saturday - before i found out she had died - I was in the backyard and out of nowhere 4 monarch butterflies appeared and fluttered all around me. I knew then that she had passed. Her angels had come and took her away so she'd not be alone on her journey to the afterworld.

Later that day I was at a nursery with my mum and out of nowhere a single monarch showed up and flew up, up and disappeared into nothing.

Then today I was on a drive looking for new walking trails when out of nowhere a single monarch began fluttering around me. Persistantly. It just hung out and then I realized, "it's Meghann...letting me know she's still here." As soon as I made the connection, it flew away.

And then I began crying. Today was the first time I shed a single tear for her because i've just been in shock and denial.

I miss seeing her sign in on MSN, or facebook chat, and I miss our random text messages. I miss our Skype and webcam chats too.

I never thought megs had the strength to die. But i guess I was wrong. Because she did. She's moved onto bigger and better things. We haven't lost you, you've merely taken on a different form. You are free now.

Fly free my wonderful Megs. And breathe easy. I will always keep cheesie puffs on hand and think of you - and then get my fat ass in gear because of it.

Here's my fave pic of Megs. It's pre-tx, but it encapsulates everything that she is and was. I don't want to post any post-tx pics because she wasn't happy with what the pred had done to her. So this is how I will remember my Megs, a silly, compassionate, naughty, feisty, complainer, lol.

Now, my friend, you are only in my memory...

"Let me go gracefully..."

P.S Megs, please take care of Casey up in Heaven. You knew how much he meant to me, and you're probably wondering why he's up there. Give him lots of hugs for me because he likes to cuddle and he won't go to sleep without them. I'm sending hugs to Neeko for you - i know you're missing him as he's missing his Mama.

This effing sucks.

:(