Dream Big

So i had a big dream today. No, not a mental dream where you're sleeping (helloREM sleep). No, I had a vision that pertained to supper - there was only one thing i felt like and nothing would stand in my way; not lemon chicken and not rice, and definitely not mum and dad. And not my sister and her crazy notions of what is healthy and what is not; and I made an effort to block out the fact that I did have a giant bowl of Poutine at the hosp for lunch.

No, I had a vision, a huge, monstrous dream, and I accomplished it in proportions so epic that I almost exploded: chocolate chip pancakes.

I don't know why I had such an urge for chocolate chip pancakes, but in my minds eye I saw this massive cake the size of a plate bespecked with chocolate. The first pancake was not quite shaped how i envisioned, but the second one was. To claim that it was massive would be a true understatement. It surpassed the size of my plate easily and it was more chocolate than pancake. But when I went to flip it I was struck by an unfortunate accident that resulted in the glorious pancake folding in on itself, and thus, greatly reducing its size and the sense of pride I had internally built up for it.

Nonetheless, it held true to its appearance when I claim it was more chocolate than pancake. There was so much chocolate in this precious gem that I couldn't even finish it. I really truely couldn't. My sister looked at it with horror and I just sat there in disgust with myself. In the end, I had a huge dream (albeit bizarre) and I accomplished it today - no matter how mundane and trivial it may seem!

*squee*

Today I ventured over to TO. The weather this morning was absolute crap and was so poor that as I drove myself to the car park to meet Dave, I seriously contemplated pulling over on the slushy, icey, SHITE ROADS and crying. My lights on my car SUCK - plain and simple - and i could barely see. It didn't help that the asshole behind me had blazing tank lights that burned through my retinas from behind, and then the people who fly by you in the on-coming lane are no better. With the giant snow flakes raining down to add to it, I wanted to scream I was so overwhelmed. Gah. Not only that, but I didn't sleep at all lastnight ( a night where you see every waking hour - ugh). I had to get up at 6am, to leave at 6:45 am, to meet Dave at 7:15am, to leave for TO. I did luck in though, as there was no line at Timmies. So yay to that.

TGH was good. A lot of people got done over the holidays, and although I see these people on semi-regular basis', I can't for the life me remember a single name. Usually I smile and act like I do, and i feel like a complete dick when they know my name and I just smile like a puppet and nod b/c I can't depend on myself to remember theirs. Oh well.

What else? Oh yes, it was brought to my attention to apply for disability so I can get money b/c I can't work b/c, you know, the whole not-being-able-to-breathe dealio. (Did you know about that?hmm...)So yeah, when i told my dad he looked releived and asked why in hell I havent done it yet, how he's been waiting for me to do it, or at least mention it. I guess in my head, disability was for pussies and was more or less like welfare, wherein if you get on it, it's a bitch to get off of, so I just sat in my poorness and cried whenever i caught a glimpse of my dwindling debit card. And i cursed people who could make and earn money. So yeah, I will go abouts and see getting that started.

Being the horrible and selfish person that I am, my first thought wasn't, "ooh great! i'll use this money to keep in my savings!" No, it was, "OMG DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY BOOKS I WILL BE ABLE TO BUY!?!" And do you know what I did tonight? I MADE A BOOK LIST. I am a sick, sick individual. Jenna told me I have a book addiction (which I argue is more of an affliction than anything), but assured me that it's better than being addicted to crack. So i've got that going for me.

So yes, this has been random and it's really long, but if you must know, here's my new book list:

Northanger Abbey
Mansfeild Park
Shirley
and North and South.

So there.

What is it??

You may note that I added a ton of more songs to the play list. Mainly oldies but goodies. But there is a mystery that surrounds a song near and dear to my heart - as I'm sure the song is near and dear to your heart too, if you're around the same age as myself.

The Sign, by Ace of Base. If you flick through and select it and give it a listen, tell me what she says at the beginning at 15 seconds. My friends and I have sat for endless hours trying to deceifer what she says, but to no avail.

There are 3 possibilities:
1) I thought I knew you
2) I'm gonna moon you (that's what I think it is)
3) I'm gonna ruin you (which i heard today).

Please, I beg you, give it a listen and post either a comment in the guestbook what you believe this thing to be. Clearly it still bothers me! And to clear up, I added Brown Eyed Girl when I don't have brown eyes.

They're blue.

I'm just saying.

That's about it. I went to rehab today and it was good. Tonight I'm going over to see the silly child, Jocelyn, as she is 3 today. I can't beleive it. She must stop aging.

Thanks for the help!

You're a Beast, Mr. Hurricane!

2009 is here and I can proudly claim that I have succeeded in getting Krystal addicted to "Mr. Hurricane" by Beast. I added it to my play list and if you havent heard it yet, listen to it.

Silly me, heard it on the radio and assumed it was an old song, so i kept my mouth shut and didn't tell everyone about my amazing discovery, but alas, it's a new song and I'm spreading the word on it's wonderfulness (i'm sure i'll be sick of it next week). To use my papa's favourite word, "marvelous!"

New Years was great! It was a low key night with the girlies at Jenna's humble abode. As always, I was the first one to arrive ( i try so hard to be late and i always fail. i'm always the first to arrive). Jenna and I waited for Krystal and Katey to show up for so long that we just started drinking without them. I don't lie when I say Jenna made me a fabulous Pena Colada with her Magic Bullet. And another discovery on my part, a Magic Bullet isn't a dildo but rather it's an actual blender! Who knew!

So yeah, I only had one drink and then we all spent the night. And yes I brought and used my O2. I didn't sleep well at all but hey, at least i wasn't horribly hungover either. That's all part of New Years, having fun no matter what and not sleeping. I can't complain it was great all the way around!

New Years day saw us at Nana and Papa's place. Snore. No offense to Nana and Papa, I love them both, but I was so tired and wasn't in the mood to socialize. My papa bought a brand new Panasonic 50 inch flat screen TV and he's so proud of it that you'd think he had given birth to it. So we gathered around it and watched Hockey, then some show on Greece, then some racing thing, and by that time I was so bored i started flipping through a book i found called "The Heritage of Canada." I told my papa I like that kinda stuff, and he said I could bring it home but I told him if that happened he would never get it back. He then forbid me from removing it from his house.

Finally we left and I've pretty much been doing nothing since. Yesterday was disgusting. I wore jammies all day and felt like i had been in a hole I felt so gross. Today I'm supposed to go to do something avec Jenna so we'll see.

I start rehab again this week. I don't care either way. I don't miss it but I don't hate it. I guess i'm just so accustomed to being lazy that I just don't care. I could probably allow my body to melt into a pile of goo and somehow be content with the way things panned out for me. I think regardless it will be good to get back to rehab so i can stop sitting on my fat ass dwelling over the stomach roll that's taken up residence at the front of my abdomen.

Lungs are the same as always. Crappy, very out of breath, very productive and gross. What else is new. Infection brewing? Perhaps, but knowing me I'll leave it until the last minute.

Hope everyone had a happy and safe New Year!

New Years Resolutions for 2008/2009

1) GET LUNGS

2) Have as much fun as possible

3) Love every minute of every day

4) Find someone (and not a missing person!)

5) Treat myself better once I'm healthy.

6) Get my G!

So that's about it folks for 2008. Tonight I am having a quiet night with les girlies, consisting of making pizza, watching movies in our jammies, drinks, and a lot of laughter and craziness! We're all spending the night and yes the wretched oxygen is coming with me. How scandalizing, I know.

I truely have to say that although 2008 had a lot of shitty moments, it wasn't all a lost cause. It allowed me to really see who my true friends are. Jenna, Chantel, Krystal, Katey, i would not be here without you special special people. You accept me for who I am and you love me regardless. I love you all very much and I can't wait for when we are able to be truely crazy and travel the world together!

Go Team Awkward Go!

To my family - although you can annoy the shit out of me I love you all very much. Know that I love you all very much and the support you give me means more than you will ever know. If i had a million dollars I would disperse it amongst you guys but since I don't.....it's the thought that counts, eh?

To everyone else, I hope you all have a safe and happy New Years. Your support and comments mean to the world and I truely love to get them!

I will blog tomorrow, but until then, have a wonderful day and I will see you next year!

Lets see what 2009 brings!


**Edit**


So i sauntered over to Merv's site and saw that he finally has the pics up from the transplant Christmas party. He got one of me wearing oxygen. And I'll be brave and post it.

So there it is. I hope i don't look too much like a sponsor child.

Gah

Gah.

I sit here, with a raging headache that makes it feel like my head will fall off. My head feels like a bobbing balloon and I get waves of dizziness. It's just like Christmas day where I was dizzy for the whole entire day for some mysterious reason.

It probably means i should wear my O2 more often (like all day).

I feel like i've blogged twice in one day but I technically havent. I blogged late lastnight/early this morning but whatever.

I was talking with another transplant person today - or rather, the support person. They said their spouse has a huge pain issue as well, and I'm beginning to think it's not just me who's been spontaneously blessed with crippling lung pain. Any transplantee's who read this blog, tell me, did you ever have such a huge issue with pain as I do? I know it's all situational and completely individual but I'd still like to know.

Tomorrow I will reach my 8 month mark of being listed. I have almost been listed double the time I was when I got my call back in September. Crazy eh? I don't really know what to think - if anything should even be thought of it. For the most part I don't think of it or dwell on it which I think is imperitive. If it's all I thought of I would most likely sit beside the phone and jump every time it rang.

Tomorrow I am going to make an appt to get my hair done. That will pass the time nicely and rob me of some more money that I know I shouldn't spend. At least I have a gift card for the place I go to so that helps nicely.

Other than that I'm reading a new book, The Sylph. When I bought it yesterday i needed help looking for it and made the mistake of asking the Chapters worker if he "had The Syph", (unintentially omitting the 'l' like only I would do.)

It was completely redolent of the time when I couldn't find A Breathe of Snow and Ashes and I screamed when the Chapters worker found it for me.

They probably think I am insane.

What does it feel like?

http://www.healthzone.ca/health/article/556701

As i sit and watch that video for the thousandth time I sit here and shake my head and wonder:

"What does it feel like...? My god, what does it feel like?"

I watch those lungs take a deep breath and can only imagine how amazing it feels.

As i approach my 8 months waiting mark on the 29th(don't know why i thought it was yesterday?) I can only hope and pray that I experience this very sensation SOON!

No willpower= FAIL

I offically hate myself.

I officially have no willpower, no conscious when it comes to stopping myself from resisting the relentless impulse that seeps through my horrible soul and sends me straight to Chapters.

Yup. Yet again (though unintentionally) I found myself at Chapters today. I accidentally clicked on a link for a movie promo called The Duchess lastnight. And i looked through the website and saw a link that lead the an author by the name of Amanda Foreman who wrote the book. So there I went. And there I got sucked in to not one but two more potential books.

Somehow I found myself at Chapters today. And somehow - by some damn horrible supernatural act - they had both books. And I got them both knowing full well that I don't need them at all. My rationale for myself was that I'd read the one and would most likely want to know the real story, so I may as well get the autobiography too.

FAIL.

$43 that should have be saved later, and I offically FAILED.

Though I felt my handicapped parking today was greatly justified since I feel terrible today. And i have no make up on, huge sweatpants, and generally look like I crawled out of a well or massive house fire. And of course when i was waiting in the line of 4000 people I saw someone I went to high school with. And of course I ignored them, as they ignored me, though I'm pretty sure we both knew the other was there. That's the way it works. You get in and you get the hell out, and you don't stop and take the time to acknowlege humanity.

Gah. I stress however that I am beginning to learn my lesson. Buyers remorse, eh? I am staying the hell away. I am hiding my Chapters gift card and never driving by the mall again. I have 16 brand new books that must be read.

Yes you read that right. 16. Jenna has officially banned me from ever entering a bookstore again.

3 strikes and I am officially out.

3 strikes and I officially FAIL.

In other news, I have been listed for 8 months today. 8 months! WOW. Oh well. At least I have 16 books to keep me occupied, and horrible lungs to prevent me from ever stepping foot inside a public bookstore again.

I hope that's enough.