Woulda, coulda, shoulda...

*sigh* I'm in a pretty shit mood right now so this entry will be both reflexive and negative.

Considering the fact that i've had a pretty awesome 2 last days hanging out with Krystal (Value Village costume hunting yesterday, attempting to antique-market yesterday, random fudge shop drop in, Macondo's book store whoring, laughing at horrible parking job hysterically, antique-marketting success today (3 hours worth!), Scottish-Shop-ing, grocery shopping, getting my hair done...etc), i can't help but feel....blah right now.

And not only that, but i have much to look forward to this week: Body Worlds on Tues, Lung Transplant Group Bake Sale on Weds, seeing docs at Sick Kids on Weds, and coming home FOR GOOD on Friday.

So then why am I acting and feeling like a complete and utter douchebag? Is it maybe the fact that everyone around me seems to be focusing on the negative and it's rubbing off on me? With all that I have to be thankful for, why am i focusing on the stupid shit?

OH YES: lets not forget that i saw my nana and papa today and he (without prompting or question) said "your cheeks are getting chubby", and add in the fact that on a whim at the hair dressers yesterday I coloured my hair from blonde to essentially auburn, and while i do like it, it's shocking and i resemble an alien.

With chubby cheeks.

I was told that my hair was going to be coloured a shade darker so when it starts to fade it won't fade fast, which is understandable, but i guess with everything - chubby cheeks and shit - it can make a girl feel kinda shitty.

And lets mention that i did 2 - actually 3, but one's not my fauly - stupid things to my sternum in the last 48 hours. Pleas,e punch me in the head while i recite them:

1) failing to reach the macaroni and cheese in the cupboard, i decided I would just jump up as i always did before surgery. So i grabbed onto the counter, jump, and with my arms hauled my ass onto the counter. Yeah. Fail. Absolutely no upper body strength at all. A massive fail is also shouted out from my sternum bc i'm pretty sure that was amongst the stupidest things i could've done, regardless of if i'm almost 3 months post and all that. I just don't think.

*insert head punch here*

2) half awake, half asleep, i had a massive stretch this morning, and i'm pretty sure i may have hurt my sternum by doing so. This wasn't a conscious 'be-careful-and-don't-stretch-too-much-stretch-like-you're -in-a-swaddling-cloth-or-wrapped-like-a-mummy' stretch, this was stretch as if i had never been cut open and had my sternum flayed. I'm sore, but my sternum isn't clicking or anything, i just feel like an utter fucking idiot.

3) i got head-butted in the chest by my cat. and then she stepped on me.

Way to go *thumbs up*. I don't frigging learn.

I've been berrating myself over not blogging enough in my immediate post-tx recovery, b/c i'm sure i'll come back in a year and kick myself for not keeping a better record of what i did or how i felt. Well i feel fine - except for being mentally retarded - and externally the incision is fine, though I did see the spot on the incision where one night i was violently pelted by an angry shower droplet from the shower head directly onto the incision itself, and it hit me so hard some skin flaked away. The incision looks good but it's really thick and stuff. Not that i care, b/c it could be red and angry and i would still love it regardless. It means that im living and here for a reason.

So i think that's it for my list of complaints. For all the things I have to be grateful for, i'm sure focusing on the negative. Hopefully I can sleep it off and wake up in a better mood. I don't like feeling like this.

Good night moon, good night stars, good night alien head with chubby cheeks.