Another, other dignifying experience

So i went for my IV today - my monthly one. Score one for me, upon learning at my last appt that my Oncology parking pass (they give them to you for parking, the 'oncology' aspect apparnetly means nothing) works on the first floor (b/c i use it at the rehab place), i found myself not only a first floor spot; i found myself a HANDICAPPED first floor spot. Score one for handicapped+oncology parking! Weeeeeeeeeeee! While it was thrilling it still meant that i had to physically walk to the building, which made me want to fucking die, i won't lie. I got in, and was huffing and puffing like i was having a baby and all I wanted to do was crouch somewhere and disappear.

But alas I kept on walking like a zombie...a huffing, feet dragging, purple zombie. First stop was Tims, where i stood in line gasping, while alarmed nurses looked on but didn't inquire about my state of distress.

I made it back to Children's Outpatient (and yes, i'm 23 and i realize no longer a child, but they love me enough to keep me around so i don't complain). 3 pokes and a vein was found; a vein so fully loaded with blood that it spewed like the Hoover dam all over Arlene. In a sick way, it was magical. It was magical in that, when she attemped the 2nd needle, i screamed b/c it hurt. So, this was most likely the celebratory gush of joy and releif: an expression of gratitude for the seizment of pain on behalf of my body.

The IV went well. An hour and 30 and I was done, and sent on my way, complete with a Hannah Montana bandaid of shame (Jess!!). Before I left I couldn't help but note to my nurse Arlene that I had spied a fire exit; an exit much closer to the parking garage than the hospital front entrance, an entrance which would require me literally to go in a giant pointless circle, eventually passing the children's outpatient unit again, but from the outside. She said that since I was huffing and puffing like a grampus that she'd allow me to use it - b/c clearly i have special privaleges above all others in the hospital - and that she'd shut the alarm off so i could sneak outside.

I made it to my car...a horrible, 3 minute journey that ended with me wanting to die in the passengers seat b/c it's so hard to catch my breath. I had no choice but to sit there and pant like a heffer, telling myself to stop shaking, that i wouldn't pass out, and that it would stop at some point. And it did, but that doesn't make the act of attempting to catch your breath any easier or better.

I met my mum for lunch at Williams. The closest i could park was 3 rows away unfortunately, since some 'disabled' person took the only spot at the front of the place like a total prick. Sure, 3 rows away is not far at all, but for someone in my situation it's a marathon. But i met my mum and we walked in, and once again i re-entered the cycle of sitting down, huffing, going purple, wanting to pass out, wanting to hide/explode. I didn't hide it from my mum, she saw it all. When we were done with lunch she told me to wait out front and that she'd pull the car around. How sweet is she! Another dignifying experience: mum pulling the car around for her daughter, to a spot that isn't that far away to begin with.

Oh the joys of lung disease! Rejoice with me people! Send vibes that this ends soon!!

So needless to say, i'm clearly not feeling better, and i plan on calling the hosp tomorrow and going in to seeing if they can temporarily fix me. I just don't care anymore, I cannot do this alone. And i'm happy that my parents know all of this and are on board. I am happy that they are seeing the horrible state of misery that i am in and that there's nothing i can do to make me feel better. Not only can i not breathe, i have pain again but it's not pleurisy. Who the hell knows what it is. I just want some relief. I'd like my transplant even more though! *big grin*

Here's hoping!

Hope you're all well!

OH! And FYI, i'm monitoring my food intake closely b/c of prednisone. So far, after 12 pills, i've had no increase in my hunger, and every time i pass a mirror i study my face extensively for any signs of puffiness. This is how vain I am. You need to understand that. I am a horrible, selfish person sometimes. Oh well!