Sader-dee

Where have I been lately you ask? I've been here, if you must know.

I was going to write on the 22nd, to mark Alice's 1 year lung transplantversary, but time escaped me and i didn't, and Alice i'm sorry. But I sent you enough msgs on fb and your blog so you know that i celebrated.

The 22nd was also - or would have been - Karyn's 23rd birthday. I got a little emotional the night before, and I got a little teary on the actual day putting my make-up on (thank god for waterproof mascara), but there weren't a lot of tears shed. I went with Jess to visit her, and Jocelyn came along as well. Jocelyn recognizes Karyn if she sees her pic, and she knows her headstone, but she probably doesn't understand the whole deal. Afterall, she is only 3. We got to the cemetary and Karyn's mum and her best friend were there. It was good to see them and chat for a bit. There was easily a foot of snow and it was terrible to trudge through. Needless to say, I was very out of breath by the time we got to her.

Jess and I were expecting to be beside ourselves. I don't know why really, b/c we were both having moments before we came, and the night before. It's weird, but suddenly it just hits you, in ways that it has never hit you before. We were expecting to turn to mush the minute we got to her stone but we didn't. We just stood there and stared, and looked at the flowers people had left. Looking back, it was emotional. Jocelyn stood infront of Karyn's grave and sang happy birthday to her, and then she gave it a hug and a kiss. It was the sweetest thing ever, but we both agreed we will have to go back the 27th sans Joce, and get this 'moment' out. Sometimes you have to cry. Whether you're crying b/c they're not here, or b/c you're feeling the emotions you felt at the exact moment you heard they were gone, it needs to be done. So we will see how that goes.

Other than that i'm here. I'm back on Tobi and i feel like utter shite. I had a small bleed - well, pink spots in the lung goo - upon inspection after one Tobi excursion. Scary but bizarrley...exciting? Don't get me wrong, I didn't sing and dance over the realization that I coughed up blood, but it was cool at the same time, to think that lungs, which should by right be clear, can produce so much crap - ranging from mucus, to blood, to clear stuff, to infection, to other marvels. It seems like it's easier for them to be bad than good. You rebels you!

Um what else? That's about it. I'm sure i had some other exciting thing to write about but I don't. I don't think. Um......Nope that's about it. If i think of something I will write later.

I am still trying to procure a stethoscope, though I can't say that i've actively been trying to get one....i'm thinking about it. But it will happen, if i have to steal one or not.

**UPDATE**
Just found out that my dear Vivian (who got listed when I did) got his lungs today! I am so so excited! As Amy said, "another life saved!" I am over the moon for him!:)