"Take a deep breath....hold it...."

"....breathe normally...."

This is what was said to me today, as I slid into the CT scanner. I was instructed to close my eyes as to not stare into the sketchy laser that lays above you. It was as i laid on my back taking the 'deepest' breath possible, and 'holding' it as best as i could (coz i mean c'mon, when i inhale, my chest doesn't even move...) that I realized that they should really change their criteria when communicating to the patient laying in the scanner. Especially a patient in my situation where breathing normally isn't an option. It struck me then, to change the format to this:

"Take a deep breath in.....hold it.....COUGH."

B/c when you hold your breath for 3 seconds, you can't go back to breathing normally. I found that I coughed - completely disgusting if we're to be honest, and not just once, but I coughed the entire bloody time i was laying down. I made the conscious decision prior to checking in for my appt to not go to the bathroom and clear my chest. No no, I decided like a mature adult that I was going to keep all the phlegm in my lungs and have it make its lovely appearance for the CT scanner so they can see how much these suckers hold. And while this was a brilliant idea on my part (so it felt like...tho I'm sure others have had this idea dawn on them before), it did cause me to cough disgustingly the entire time. It's that wet....sounding cough...like you're choking on water. Literally, when I cough in this way (and i can't describe it...you can only understand it if you experience it), if i go to turn onto my stomach and cough, the stuff will just pour out of me. Not drip like a runny nose...no we're talking all out pour.

Yeah. I don't choose my words lightly: it's pretty disgusting.

So all in all the day was great. Went to rehab, meeting, and met with some friends from rehab. Dave (Scottish Dave; sounds like Shrek) has been listed, so my mum and i sat with him, Lynda, and Carol and we had fun talking about our probs and stuff. I find that the only time i ever let my parents see what i truely experience (esp. emotionally) is when i'm with these people. Today i probably told my mum honestly how i feel every day when i was with 'my people'. I think it shocked her to finally realize how much pain i'm in, and how i'm not entirely ok with my situation...how it does suck to be 22 (23 on Saturday!) and having to deal with this, but whatever....i can't change it right just yet. Hopefully soon!

Back on track with 'disgusting' things, if i'm to be honest, i havent been feeling well in the gut lately. To be frank, i've been dealing with the shits at the most in opportune moments. I dunno if it's something i ate (most likely), and it's made worse by the fact that i need to get my Gamma this friday and am thus, less able to fight infections, but either way it's not pleasant and has left me a little cautious of leaving the house for extended periods of time. I thought i was going to shit myself at katey's party today, and I barely made it home tonight. I got home at midtnight from MY birthday party (wooooooo!) and i didn't even have time to grab the balloons in my back seat. I sped home, undid my seat belt when i was at the top of the street, i didn't heed the stop sign, i sped into the driveway, pushed up the door, turned the car off and flew into the house.

Once inside i couldn't get my shoes off fast enough. My purse was stuck to my arm, my pager was latched to my sleeve and omg i was sure i was going to shit myself. My dad decided to strike a conversation with me in the hallway by asking how my night was, but all i could do was fly past him and yell in passing, "it was great I HAVE TO SHIT."

And that's how i've been.

In sum...it's been pretty disgusting between the copious amounts of muscus and sudden impulse to shit as i'm momentarily stricken with the runs.

As long as we're honest....