HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, MY CHILDREN!

This shant be long as i have 2 midterms to get back to studying for, but i thought i'd write and say Happy Halloween(now officially for the 3rd time).

It was surprisingly warm today (18*C!) which was nice, but now it's cooled off and is windy as hell. I succeeded in freaking myself out by playing the "Halloween" theme song on the piano this morning. While it was funny at the time, it certainly isn't now!

Have not been up to much. Pretty sure i broke my ass from sitting on it too much these last couple of days. Am taking motrin for the pain. No lie. Jocelyn stopped by today and she was dressed as a dinosaur. Cutest thing ever! She groweled for me and i gave her 3 bags of chips.

That's about it. I need to go study. Go me!

Have a safe one, ladies!

Bree:)

Transplant evaluation stuff has come in the mail!

Woot woot! *pulls imaginary train horn*

My ever psychic brain was right on the dot today when I woke up with an inkling that my much anticipated evaluation info was coming today! So when I made my trip to Timmies I made a point to stop by the mail box on the way back and lo and behold, what was waiting for me but my TRANSPLANT EVALUATION STUFF! WOO HOO!

I was so excited that I ran back into my car and got uber out of breath. I sat and i huffed and i puffed and i smiled through my distress b/c i was just oh-so-happy that this is finally on its way! WOO HOO!

I got home and ripped the envelope open. The first sheet was an inquisition informing me that I have the honour of participating in a research study on lung disease, and that I can choose to do it or not. I have opted to do b/c i'm just that nice, and also, I am keeping this stuff b/c it will come in handy in the winter when I take my Qualitative Methods class and need to make up a questionnaire sheet! Yippee! I can cheat and succeed all at the same time! Thank you Toronto General!

Anyways, a lot of the info was basic stuff. I had to schedule an appt with my regular family doctor to make a TB test, so I've gone and done that, b/c if I don't do it now i'll forget and be fucked. So that's made. Also, I have to fill in some nutrition thing which I don't understand, so that will come along to the doctors with me. I began filling in one of the questionnaires (not the You-Have-The-Extra-Special-Privaledge-Of-Participating-In-This-Questionnaire-B/c-You-Need-A-Transplant questionnaire) but a regular one, and it confused me so i gave up and abandoned it. I also have to collect my urine for 24 hours before hand...but there wasn't any info in the booklet about when and how i should go about doing that. One of the letters did say however that a second package would come 1 to 2 weeks before my eval in the mail, so maybe that will be it?

Who knows. Either way, YAY!

"What's wrong???"

Fuck.

Fucking fuck fuck FUCK!

I fucking hate people sometimes.

Don't you hate it when you're in a shitty mood, and every little thing that people do annoys the absolute shit out of you? So much so that when they're around you, you want to smack and strangle them? Well that's how I feel today.

Firstly, I woke up early to register for my winter classes. I told my mum that IF - let me stress the word IF - she didn't see my light on in my room at 7am, to wake me up. However, should she see my light on, then know that I am awake and registering. I roll over and look at the clock. It reads 6:54am. My door pops open and my mum says, "It's 7am!" I wanted to scream, "No mum, it's not! It's not 7am so don't wake me the fuck up!" The fact of the matter is, is that I was awake and hadn't had the chance to turn my light on. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Secondly, I struggled out of bed. My o2 tubing decides to get stuck and tangled to my bed frame. I wanted to scream and sever it. I pulled it; it made it tighter. So i just got so mad that I threw my o2 off.....I threw it off so fast that it cut the o2 supply off pretty quickly and I was soon greeted with a massive headache. Thanks to my stupidity it feels like 2 Neanderthals are pounding rocks inside my head today - even though I've taken 4 advil. Sometimes you can't just take your o2 off ASAP, sometimes you need to feel ready for it, and I cleary wasn't. So i still have a massive headache brewing in my brain case, and my body feels like shit all together. Just another reason to hate myself today.

Then.....stupid shit. I met with Katey and Krystal for lunch at the Taps today which was good since I havent seen them in eons. Shitty part is i stayed too long and as a result got no work done and am freaking out. I feel like I have sooooo muuuuuuuuch reading to dooooo that I just want to scream and cry and melt into the floor. Blah. But either way, I am glad I got to see them as i have missed them dearly since academia has stolen my sole pretty much up until Christmas time. I hope it returns to me one day.

Then, i finally get home around 4 - my dog looked like he was dead. He wasn't breathing (that i could see). I stood and i stared at him. I looked as his face and his tongue was hanging out of his mouth. I started to cry. Then, his eye popped open and I knew he was ok. It made me cry harder b/c i was so happy that it wasn't true; that he was infact ok. He is old and went deaf in the summer, so he doesn't hear when people come home and he sleeps very deeply. I am just happy he's ok!

Then.....I had to make supper, b/c i was the only one home, and when people get home they bitch and moan that nothing is made so long story short i made it. I don't mind making it, except when my dad got home I was telling him the story about how I thought Casey was dead, and i had a knife in my left hand. As i was telling him about my discovery, i used my left hand to point behind me to where i saw Casey, and unbeknownst to me, Maddy (one of our other dogs) was standing right behind me. I HIT HER IN THE FACE WITH A KNIFE! THE SHARP PART TOO!

What! THE FUCK!? Maddy just stared at me blankly...as if nothing happened, and after a thorough inspection of her face, it was clear that she was perfectly ok. Honestly, I don't even think she knows she got hit in the face with a knife....but it made a pretty awful sound so i know i got her!

Then, people come home, all happy as shit, me, wanting to get the fuck out and do hw somewhere. I hate it when people are happy and you're in a shitty mood, and they act like it's their goal in life is to cheer you up. If anything, happy cheery people make me more angry when i'm in a crappy mood. It makes me want to slap them. Then....dum dum dum....the question that i HATE comes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just have a lot of work."

"Are you sure? You look like you're dying..." (honest to God that's what they said)

"Yeah...I'm fine." *feels anger boil inside*

"Really??"

*silence*

"What's wrong!?!??!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

If i'm angry, is it ok if you just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE?!? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK SOMETIMES?!?!?!

Maybe i'm just a tremendous bitch. I don't know!!! But i have to go read about horrible events elsewhere in the world to feel better about myself.

I hope all you people are fairing better than myself today!

California is Burning

Due to unfortch circumstances of the Earth deciding to go haywire on some of it's coastal citizens, Califorina is burning. If any of my respirologically challenged friends, or non-respirologically challenged readers (if someone from Cali would actually read a blog from Ontario) i hope you're ok!

What else? Not much to report here. You may remember my work buddy Jenny....who sometimes had nothing better to do than look forward to doing the mail at work twice a day while I sat in my cubicle all alone being unproductive. Welp my friends, I am talking to her now (never stopped talking to her) and she has informed me that she is doing well. She has taken some travels since school began and is now back in Ontari-ari-ari-o. Other than that I don't know what to say.....

I am feeling crappy. It has gotten cold and wet here and i just feel like a machine that is very close to shutting off and falling over, never to start again. I was very out of breath today but i still walked about on campus so for that I am happy and proud of myself. Oh, and i actually went to all my classes today. I am proud of myself for that too. Tomorrow i have to register for my winter semester classes...and meet my friends for lunch....

Other than that...things are considerably boring and i'm sorry this blog wasn't as witty as it usually is!

Perks to being a "Sickie"

Yeah yeah, as much as being a health invalid sucks, it can have it perks. So why keep babbling, let's get to it:

1) On days you want people to just leave you alone, they do: all you have to do is cough

2) You know for a fact that when you are sick, eating lots of fruit and stuff doesn't always make you feel better. It's all the more reason to just eat crap and not gain a pound - and feel emotionally better about your fragile state

3) When people ask you want you want, no matter how demanding or stupid it may seem, they generally do it. Like today for example, my dad asked what I wanted for dessert after supper. I half jokingly/half seriously said, "Chocolate cake" and he went out and picked up dessert and to my shock he got ME a small chocolate tart (or tort? i don't know) and everyone else apple crisp. AWWWWWW

4) You don't need an excuse to sleep for hours on end. People generally just accept it

5) When people bitch and moan that they're tired and feeling unwell, others give them crap. But when you bitch and moan that you feel crap, people treat you like a rock star

6) Other's are grossed out by 'normal' people's cough, but not yours

7) It's acceptable to not share anything with other people - not selfish

8) People comment on how you can eat and eat and not gain a pound. While it can be a pain in the ass, you secretly marvel in the fact that you can be pig and make a spectacle of your horrendous eating habits, and it will never show. Putting on weight is something to celebrate, not be ashamed of!

9) You don't need a reason to look gross. Sometimes you just do, and that's ok. No one judges you; they know things are 'tough'

10) Generally, when ppl find out you have a condition they're all the more nicer to you. You know that had they had never found out about said condition, they'd continue being a bitch to you, and that this is all BS. But they can't be mean to you b/c that's just wrong - afterall, you're 'sick'!

Enjoy my sickies!

*sniff*

Well well well, where have I been, you ask? Studying for midterms unfortch. I had a massively huge midterm today in my last class. Funny thing was, I got to the class an hour early for some last minute studying, and there were about 4 other people doing the same. We all knew we were fucked going into the exam and I put forth the idea that we should all join hands and sing "Koombya" before commencing into the lecture room.

Yes yes children, while I am doing good on my part by studying like a devoted intelligent university student, people are on the outside drinking their faces off, flashing their gine's (coughBRITNEYcough) and doing various other sorts of absurd thingies.

I recently received a very beautiful compliment by a Blog Blog reader, and I was so touched by it that I feel the need to bring attention to it by posting it. Ladies, gentlemen, cats and dogs, lift your skirts up, squeeze your bellies, take your medicine and grab a kleenex, coz here it is:

" I like your blog... Your timing for dropping F-bombs is impeccable..."

*cries hysterically* Off all the touching things i've read, seen, heard, and felt, that's the most beautiful thing one could mutter to me. If you havent figured it out, the F word is probably my favourite word in the whole entire world, out of every single language that is spoken on this planet. Thank you, Tom, for your words of kindness. It means a lot:)

In other news, I have figured out what I am going to get my sister for Christmas. You may recall a while ago when i was pissed off over my sister using my printer and my computer, which forced me to therefore change my password so she could no longer get on. Well, i had a brain storm today when I wasn't paying attention in class, and it thought of the perfect present for my sister: an ink cartridge. Yes yes, b/c then she will have no reason to use my printer anymore!

Now, Ashleigh, if you in fact do read this:

1) Fuck
2) Act surprised on Christmas morning.

That is all for today folks. I am off to facebook stalk.

Transplant Evaluation

Transplant eval has officially been set up! I got the call today from the hosp saying i could go for it as early as the first week of Nov, or the end of Nov, or sometime in Dec. I opted for Dec. b/c Nov through the middle of Dec is horrendously busy with school and assignments and all that fun stuff, so to avoid extra stress i will be going DECEMBER 17-20 when i know that i will for sure be done school!

Can i get a 'woo hoo!'?

I have been informed it will be 4 fun-filled days, and that the day before my first appt. i have the important task of collecting my urine for 24 glorious hours. It could be worse: when i had the Adeno Virus last year i had to collect stool samples (if you can call them that) for 2 days and it was gross (how are you suppsed to collect your own shit?) Anyways....i'm losing focus here.

Just today I told my dad that simple things are getting harder. I got stuck in my sweater getting dressed and couldn't find my way out (felt like i was being born all over again) and had such a hard time breathing. Look at me I've gone and rambled. I'm off to study for midterms.

The Ex

Two years ago this month was the last month of my relationship with an ex bf. We dated a little over 3 years. I am writing about an event that is still stark in my mind...about all the woulda coulda shoulda things. I need to get it off and out of my chest. The reason for this is b/c I was invited to a friend's b-day this coming week and i discovered The Ex may be going. It brought back a memory that will forever stick with me. So let me just share it already. Ladies, don't ever be dumb and let a guy do this to you!

Oct. 2005.
I had not seen you in 2 months since we began university. Every time we talked it was on MSN (since you declared talking on MSN 'was enough' and that you didn't actually need to see me or phone me). Days and days would go by and you would ignore me, but still i sat and stared, a devoted little gf - MOI - and a selfish immature pr*ck - YOU. I had discovered pictures of you on Myspace with another girl which you forever declared were 'coincidental', but me being a bright young lady, knew better. If only i had had the balls to come out and smack the sh*t out of you and call you out, I would have. But alas, this was my first relationship and I truely believed we would be together forever. *cringe* Finally, reluctantly, you agreed for me to come down and spend the weekend with you, on one condition: that I not tell your mother. Seeing as I actually spoke to your mother more than you, b/c you never called home, I really really wanted to tell her, simply b/c by this point, I hated you so much i wanted to see you get pulled out of school and sent back to where you came from. But again, like a good gf, i kept my mouth shut and remained mum.

I spent about $100 on my Greyhound ticket, b/c i had to board another bus halfway down. Upon my arrival to the bus terminal in your city you were nowhere to be found. I called your cell once, twice, and finally you picked up, saying you didn't know I would be arriving when I did. BS. I boarded a city bus and took it alone to your school, where again I was greeted by no one and waited until you arrived. You looked like you didn't want to see me and I knew it, but i made excuses for you in my head and somehow it made it all better. I met all your *coughLOSER* friends and immediately felt resentment from them. The one girl in particular, the one who appeared in all those pictures 'coincidentally' with you, the girl who just so happened to 'coincidentally' be Princess Laya for Halloween and you Anakin Skywalker (or whoever), particularly looked at me as if to say, "Who do you think you are" So i cuddled with you and made a huge display out of the fact that we were dating and i made it look like we were happy, which was a BS outright lie. If anything it made me hate you more! *smile*

It was akward. You ignored me half of the time. I hated the place and I hated you, but i couldn't end the relationship b/c i was afraid i would be alone. That night going to bed was akward. I couldn't fall asleep b/c i didnt' feel safe and i wanted to leave. I felt so shunned and unwanted that it was horrendous. And then....it happened....

I woke up alone the very next day. You were nowhere to be seen. There was no trace of your whereabouts, until i finally located a note that had something to the effect of, "Couldn't sleep. In the lounge" on it. Again, bullsh*t. At the very moment I had every intention of getting dressed, packing my things up, and leaving you: stranded, alone, confused. I had every intention of not telling you where i was so I could leave you guessing. But i backed down. I stayed put, and as much as I want to change it I can't.

This experience has taught me invaluable lessons about myself and the people around me. We thankfully broke up a month later (wait, again, I had to pretty much break up with me b/c you couldn't find the balls to actually say it) and I havent seen you since. This weekend I will not see you either.

(The Ex proceeded to date the girl i had my suspicions about. They began dating a month after we broke up. However, I think they recently broke up since all the pictures of them together are gone off of The Ex's facebook profile.) I am not angry, if anything i feel sorry for the girl he dated, and i sincerely hope it was her doing the breakup. I hope she came to her senses and dumped his sorry ass when she realized she was dating a child. Recently, he updated his profile pic and I can happily announce that he's uglier than ever. I don't want to thank him for treating me horribly; maybe I should thank myself for being stupid and coming to my senses on my own terms. I owe him nothing. I owe myself everything.

We will not be seeing eachother this coming weekend. Funny thing too, b/c now that you have no gf, you are turning back to all of your old friends you tossed away when you made your knew life. Life's a bitch when it comes back to bite you in the ass, isn't it?

Things I Should Have Done
- broken up with you sooner - on MY terms

- told you like it was instead of taking it like a pussy

- run you over when i kicked you out of my car

- backed up and run you over again HAD i actually hit you with my car

There. I feel much, much better:)

Too Precious for Words...

Last night, my little precious Zoey cat was asleep on my bed. The most precious thing ever. She was asleep in her Mummy pose and was just oh-so-cute and adorable that I had to go all papparazzi on her. At first I crept up and she snapped her head up and her eyes went huge and screamed out, "MUMMY NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" at me. Quickly tho, tiredness overcame her and won and soon enough she was back asleep and i used it to my advantage to get this:

And this....

Let's all hold hands and scream "awwwwww!" all together now, ok? I know I know, i felt like a proud mother when i gawked at her in her sleep, just how cute she truely is. God bless her (sometimes) angry little soul.

Today is cold. It's very very gustily windy and as a result I am wearing my sweatpants and uber warm sweater. I baked some Scottish Scones and they are truely fantastic, so fantastic that I am reluctant to share, but b/c i am nice and want to hear "Omg these are soooooooo good!" come from everybody, I am letting go of my selfishness and allowing people to have some.

That's about it really. Not feeling too hot with the weather change and all but what can ya do? I guess just stay inside and bake and cuddle with all my pets.

Have a good day!

Nothing New Under the Sun

As suggested by the title, there's nothing new to report. Really. Well....maybe that's a small lie. Monday night i got no sleep (did i state that? that i finally fell asleep at 4am? Maybe I did and have forgotten). Well, I slept Tuesday night and was fine)

Wednesday i studied all day for a Thursday midterm. I went to bed at 11 pm and got no sleep. Not a single hour of sleep. Not 45 minutes, not even 20.

I saw every. single. frigging.hour.

It was hell. I was so frustrated I cried, i kicked, i moaned, i got out of breathe being so rolly. And to make it better, I had an exam first thing in the morning.

My poor shriveled, dried-up brain.

Needless to say I wrote the midterm and it went well ( I hope). I am also hoping that I didn't hallucinate the entire thing and completely fuck it up. Lets all keep our fingers, toes and other extremities crossed.

Thankfully I slept last night. A whole 9 and a half hours. It was splendid and I woke up still tired but will just have to make it up by sleeping the entire day away tomorrow. WOO HOO!. Today i had to go for my IV and it went well, blah blah. Got my CT scan from the hosp today. It was done in 2005 and i got them to put it on a CD so when i go for my transplant evaluation they will have something to compare one to. That's about it. Life is pretty normal at the moment.

Titlest-ss?

Initially this was supposed to be called "Titless" and for some reason i wrote it as "Titlest" which when i read confused me and i couldn't really figure out what i actually meant. Then it proceeded to remind me of those golf balls that have "Titlist" or w/e written on them and i remembered that I don't really know how to say it properly and instead i always say, "tit-lee-ist". Whichever it is, I'm sure i've confused us all.

Maybe?

Today was a rather discombobulating day for me. I went to bed at 11pm last night only to not be able to fall thoroughly asleep until about 4am. I would sleep for 40 minutes (not deeply tho) before waking up long enough to glance at the clock and get frustrated. I'd move, my arm would go numb from being on one side for too long and i'd either get hot or cold from being overexposed by my fan or smothered by my blankets. I tossed, i turned, i rolled, i moaned, i banged against the wall, i slept like a mummy, and alas i put my pillow at the foot of my bed and soon fell asleep. It was then, at roughly 3:30am that i decided i would not be waking up at 8am to attend my 10am class. No no, i would be sleeping in till 9:30 and would go to my 11:30 instead, that way i was guarunteed more sleep.

It made no difference. Once I was all ready i semi-happily walked downstaids and got my breakfast ready, when i noticed 2 of the dogs were locked in the laundry room. As i walked to the door to let them out i stepped in a huge pile of piss. Not just a small puddle/accident, it was a i've-been-saving-up-my-pee-all-morning-just-for-when-you-came-downstairs-so-you-could-have-the-pleasure-of-stepping-in-it-in-bare-feet-and-have-your-pant-leg-soak-up-most-of-if-as-well. So after i finished screaming and swearing and threatening to strangle someone, i let the dogs outside, got my breakfast gobbled up, and i was halfway out the door when....

I stepped in more. It had spread under the door. So now my other foot was soaked in dog pee as well as my other pant leg. And yes, these pants JUST got washed. I walked to the bus stop not really giving a shit if i missed it or not, and lo and behold not 1, but 3 busses drove by in the 5 minutes it took me to walk to the stop. So i waited about 10 minutes and another one came. I made it to school 5 minutes late but that's better than not going at all!! On top of this, my chest is feeling exceptionally shitty today but quite honestly, why bother mentioning it anymore?

I struggled to stay awake in my Prehistory class, which now that i'm in third year, is a lot smaller than first and second year courses. Not only that but it was boring. I stuck around and went to my last class (woot me!) and i actually got my last bit of reading done for a class, so i can write the notes up tonight, finish reading more notes from my anthro class and study for my midterm on Thurs. WOOOOOOO.

Thankfully, i have no class tomorrow.

In happy news, i had an epiphany/premonition today while eating lunch. I could see myself actually working and having a job as an adult and i knew that everything will be alright once i get my new lungs:)

Everything will be ok!!!!!!

Everybody knows...

Welp, I gathered up my boobies and told my nana and papa yesterday that i need a tx. I was originally stricken with fear b/c as i began telling them i started crying, which probably made them think i was dying or something. And then my papa came over and put his arm on my back and said, "It's ok - you can tell us" So i squeaked out, " I need a lung transplant...."

There were blank faces.

Silence.

FUCK. THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE HEART ATTACKS LIKE MY MUM SAID!

I wanted to stab myself.

And then, my nana's face moved and she proclaimed, "THAT'S WONDERFUL!"

My papa said, "Is that all? That's great!" HOLY SHIT! I'm so happy they reacted that way! I explained to them that we didn't tell them sooner (tho i wanted to but somebody in my house didn't want to tell them *squint) b/c we didn't really know that much. Which was true. And is true. So needless to say the whole entire family knows about me needing a transplant now and my nana and papa proclaimed their devotional support to me and i love them so so so much i could squish both of them in a giant hug.

What else? I've been busy with midterms and blah blah. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in Canada and as a result we are headed up to Durham to eat at my cousin's place and i am tres excited! Something different! Usually we have Thanksgiving at my nana and papa's house and my mum's brother and wife and my cousins come. But this year we're going to my dad's side (we decided at my uncles funeral that we need to see eachother more than just when someone dies) so yeah...woo hoo! It's gonna be nice and hot too so that's exciting!

Today i have jumbles and jumbles and mountains of homework. I am currently waiting for my sister to finish doing her nails so we can go to the mall. I need sports bras since mine all have metal on them, and when i go for my transplant evaluation, if i need x-rays and CT scans and all that, i don't want to be taking my bra on and off so a sports will help, and it will also help after tx b/c regular ones will just hurt.

Look at me, i've gone and babbled about nothing. I am gonna go. Ta ta and HAPPY THANKSGIVING MY FELLOW CANADIANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blah

I feel like shart today. My lungs hate me, my body hates me, the bus hates me, and i hate them.

1) i woke up on time and was ready on time for school. Was about 10 feet from the bus standing on the curb when it pulls up, i flash my student card indicating i have every intention of boarding. The bus driver looked at me, and happily drove off. After i had rushed to the bus stop i was severely out of breath and wanting to die. As she drove off i was 99.999% close to crying, and just as i felt the tears trickling in my wee eyes, another bus strolled up and i promptly boarded. Still, after i had put forth so much energy just to make it to the bus on time, all i really wanted to do was turn around and go home.

2) Getting to class stole every ounce of energy i had today. My legs felt all tingly and rubbery like i could fall at any second. It is really hard to take even a tiny deep breath in - even the smallest of the small. Impossible...strangle-worthy.

3) I come home (luckily my mum picked me up) and my sister is on my comp. lately, despite the fact that she has her very own laptop, she insists on using mine! Not only that but she loves to go out of her way when i'm on it in the middle of something - or better yet, demand to use my printer even though she has her own. As a result, i am changing the password to my comp. SO EAT IT!

That's about it - i feel better after ranting. I hope i hear word about when my eval is scheduled.

Hope you all had a better day than moi!

Hugs,
Bree